When is the right time to get married

Lawanda - posted on 12/19/2009 ( 14 moms have responded )

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My fiance and i been together for 3yrs but we have known each other since HighSchool which i graduated in1995 he proposed to me 2yrs ago we live together every time i think about setting a date i change my mind i love him and everything but sometimes his temper and his family get the best of me should i allow these issues to get to me or not.

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Sharon - posted on 12/19/2009

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Go see a marriage counselor. They'll help you pin point the important things!!

Karen - posted on 12/25/2009

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Beloved, The first thing I would suggest is; attitude noway Hosea. My first marrige, husband had an attitude because my baby daddy came to pick up his child. I let my husband know from the starting gate that I have 2 baby daddies. I also let baby daddies know; respect my house and my husband. speak to him when u come in. My husband's mother and father told him not to marry me bcuz of my kids. I left it up to him to fix that. Do not get married if you guys are having issues now. they will continue. Experience has taught me to look deep before u take that leap. You are a beautiful sister and you will find someone else. stay friends but not husband and wife. (side note) I saved myself from being a battered wife. Much love and Luck to you. PRAY ABOUT IT!!!!!!!

Amy - posted on 12/21/2009

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Many people actually suggest to get couples counseling before getting married. My brother in law wished he had the counseling before he got married because he feels he may not have gotten married then (It ended in divorce). If he's reluctant to go, just say that it's part of the process, and find someone to marry you that requires it.

Krista - posted on 12/20/2009

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Quoting Sharon:

Go see a marriage counselor. They'll help you pin point the important things!!


Exactly. I'm sure the two of you are very different people from who you were in high school, but you might still be seeing each other through that particular filter, leading to unrealistic expectations of who the other person is. 



And the temper is definitely something that needs to be addressed in counselling. They'll help you verbalize what it is about his temper that bothers you (Is it an aversion to the noise? A fear that he'll turn violent?) 



If you're not sure how to bring it up to him, you don't have to say that it's because you're unsure (although I'm sure he knows you're unsure, where no date has been set yet.) Just say that  you want to make sure that when you do get married, that you're starting off on the right foot, and one way to do that is to get premarital counselling to ensure that you obtain better tools to use when communicating with each other. 

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14 Comments

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Roseanna - posted on 06/19/2011

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You love him, you live with him, you're already experiencing what it is like to be married. Tempers and family annoyances are part of the package in any marriage. If he is showing a tendency to be violent or you feel scared, then there is an issue. If it is he has a temper spat, every now and then and obviously note down the reasons why he does have his spats, we are all human and we all have our temper tantrums at various times.
You may need to work on strategies to help him on these outbursts, which will strengthen your relationship, sometimes humour in these situations works wonders!!

Giselle - posted on 01/06/2010

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I don't blame you for changing your mind if he has a temper. I was married once and divorced because of my husbands temper.

Beth - posted on 12/26/2009

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Loving someone does not mean you have to marry that person. You've been together a very long time but maybe you don't firmly believe he is the person you really want to settle your life with. The relationship is long, it is comfortable, but you are holding you back from that final step. The question should not be when is the right time to get married, but is he who you want to marry. If he is who you see yourself living the rest of this life with than yesterday was the right time, but if there are reservations than maybe never. Think about the last two decades and ask yourself what has improved and changed, what has remained the same, and what has gotten worse. Then ask yourself in all of that what fulfills your needs in a relationship. If you realize that you are unwilling to walk away after all these years for a small amount of hiccups in your relationship than plan that wedding short order. Decide today and get married in a week. You will change your mind again if you "plan it out".

D. L. - posted on 12/26/2009

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Dear Lawanda: Karen and several of the other sisters have given you very good tips. And, what Karen said about battered wife, is RIGHT on the mark! Temper today, violence tomorrow, if it isn't controlled with practice. Any temper tantrum or yelling is the same as any other form of bullying or abusive treatment. It is not acceptable behavior for anyone to practice and no one should be subjected to that treatment. Many men are within reasonable actions [as in only yell a little when their temper flares], but once they think you are 'stuck' into a relationship, the temper intensifies and violence begins. Neither you nor your children need to be treated badly. DO SEEK COUNSELLING...family relationship, pre-marital and post-relationship [if the relationship ends, so you don't find yourself seeking the same type of abusive partner, again]. As the other sisters wrote to you, only YOU can make the final decision, but put all the tools in your toolbox that you can get your hands on...pastor, counselor, etc before you make any decisions. For you physical and mental health and the safety and security of you and your children, make the decision after you have heard all the professional's suggestions. YOU DESERVE the BEST in life! I believe you already know the answer...you just have fears of making the wrong decision. It is OK to be cautious. If you can't agree with your partner/he with you on something this early in your relationship...it will only be more difficult later on. People change and grow apart in ideas and ideals for what life should be. As Karen also suggested...and a couple of the other sisters, if you are a praying person, PRAY for guidance. Seek out pastoral counsel in addition to family relationship counseling. When is the right time to get married, even though you have already been ‘marital partners in residence’? When you are both mature enough to agree on what life course you will be taking. When you can speak openly and honestly with one another, without having a temper tantrum and agreeing to disagree when an issue cannot be immediately resolved, you will both have reached maturity to be a married couple. All the best to you for reaching a decision that will keep you happy for years to come! BE safe and BE blessed! Denise L. Clair.

Rosie - posted on 12/25/2009

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if you are having questions than obviously you shouldn't marry him right now. not to say that if you worked on the issues in your relationship with some premarital counseling that things wouldn't change, but if you have questions now i believe that it's not the right time. some things you can't change, like his family, but alot of people have crazy families themselves and just learn different ways to deal with them. the temper thing is something that needs to be looked at, nobody deserves to be yelled at or have things thrown around the house, u should think that u deserve better than that and not settle unless he is willing to go into counseling together. hope all works out for you!!

Mercedes - posted on 12/21/2009

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I met my husband in highschool to and we married shortly after graduation 13 years l8tr we have 7 kids. If you are like me than being married is more than just a piece of paper. In God's eyes it's a holy union and shows favor upon those men who take a wife. No one's perfect, at least here on earth. I wasn't best friends with my in-laws but I just remembered their his family not mine so as long as theres mutual respect than that's fine. Get on your knees and let God lead your relationship he'll never steer you wrong

Crystal - posted on 12/21/2009

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Depends how bad his temper and family are... for better or worse right are you willing to keep dealing with it for the rest of your life or are you having second thoughts and maybe want to change your life? Sounds to me like your already married the only thing missing is the piece of paper... so guess it really would be not when is the right time but do you think it is right to marry him!

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there is never a good , right time to get married. If you love him then go for it, to many things can happen to either one of you and regret is awful. I have been married 18 years and yes familys get in the way,but, if you love him why wait.

Hanan - posted on 12/19/2009

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well i think the only person who can answer such a question is u.......... but u say u love him and u know each other since 1995. i think go for it honey. as for his family and his temper every relationship in the world has problems even if u left him u will have different problems with a different person...........problems never end but u have to be smart and get over them . wish u all the luck and happiness in the world....

Dianne - posted on 12/19/2009

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I would hate to say you are right or wrong as we must all make these type of judgement calls based on our knowledge of the situation and our feelings, but I found that I only had to cast eyes on the man I married 21 years ago to know that I would marry him and be with him forever. He always says the same thing. Dont get me wrong - we get on each others nerves at times and his family drive me scatty but marrying him is not sometrhing that I consciously made a choice about. It was like breathing - it was just essential to my life and I could not survive without it! I could not imagine settling for less.

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