When my 8 yr old daughter goes to her fathers house, his wife wont let her call me if he's not around. Comforting, right? I am so tempted to comfront her about it but she is a little insecure and will make a huge deal out of it. He's really no help with the situation. Im considering just getting my daughter a cell phone for her to take there with her. What do u think?

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The insecurity seems on your side. Your daughter is too young for a cell phone. If you are concerned with what your daughter is doing at her dads talk to him about it and maybe schedule a once a day evening phonecall, but the point of her being there is to build a relationship with that family. Her dad has a perfect right to establish rules in his household. How would you feel if the situation was reversed and you were trying to build a relationship with a child? Everytime you told the child no she could get on the phone and whine to her"real" mum?

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Ok here's my take on the situation. I don't know the OP Amy but I'm going to assume (because of her concern here) that she doesn't prevent her daughter from calling her father if she wants to...am I right? So why should she be stopped from calling her mother when she is away from home? If stepmom can't get over her issues and learn to behave like a responsible adult, then I would say definitely to get the 8 year old a cell phone. Not one that she can use for texting or anything...just one of the emergency ones like others have mentioned. Before you get her a phone though, I would definitely try and reason with your daughter's father. Like someone else said, she's your daughter and if she wants to call you she should be able to. The only reason I would see it inappropriate for her to call you is if she is just simply wanting to "tell" on her step mom because maybe she won't let her do something or have something she wants. Your daughter does need to be following the rules a her dad & step mom's house but if she is just wanting to call you to talk to you or to say hello or to say I love you or tell you she stubbed her toe....there should be NO reason not to let her call.

Rebecca - posted on 06/01/2009

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Quoting Beverley:

I am sure that you & your daughter have a close relationship. But maybe you are the one that is sounding a little insecure? Is there any reason why your daughter needs to call you every time she is at her father's house? Maybe you do not trust his new girlfriend/wife or don't think much of her.
Your girl is growing, she is 8 & she needs to start having that little bit of independence & learning her own responsibilties & staying at her dad's house with her step mum means different responsibilities for her, but also creates her to have her own independence when she is away from you. It is good & important that children have their own little bit of space. Maybe you worry when she is not around, as to her saftey or whereabouts. It is normal to have concern over these issues, but we also need to let the child branch out & not feel so restrained & to trust them to trust themselves to make the right decisions about certain matters.
When she is at her father's house, maybe you should be trusting your ex that she is in a safe environment under her father's supervision & that she will see you when she comes home. If there is an emergency or anything important, then by all means she should call. But if not, then it really isn't necessary & maybe you should loosen your apron strings a little. Take the time when she isn't home, to do something that you like to do or to go out & spend time with someone special in your life.


I agree with you. Well put. 

Claire - posted on 05/27/2009

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I think the main problem here is everyone is thinking in terms of, this is your dads family and this your mums. Well I am a child of divorce, have two children of my own and have step children and the best thing you can do is all work as a family. ie there should be no time your daughter cannot call you, her father and so on. I have found if you all work together there can be no playing oneoff against the other, you just have to make sure that the childs best intrest is at the fore front of everyones mind. To say that by ringing your own mother is stopping the development of a relationship with your step mother is plain stupid. If she is to have a relationship with the child it is on the basis that this little girl has a mother and she will want to talk to her. A child should feel comfortable and safe at both houses and able to speak to her parents whenever she wants and if it seems she is ringing just to say my step mum said this and i dont like it then you just have to explain that she has to listen to what is being asked of her in the same way she would for any other adult. However if the step mum still continues to cause problems you need to have it out your daughter comes first not her pathetic insecurities. She has a responsability to your daughter now so she needs to grow up. If she doesnt after she has been given a chance to by all means get her a phone, all you are doing is puting your daughter first if your ex and his wife dont do that then you have every right to do whatever you can to correct it.

Lori - posted on 06/01/2009

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Having gone through a similar situation with my son and his father's wife, all I can say from experience is it SUCKS! There are several things you can and need to do to make this situation better. First, how long is your daughter at her father's for and, out of that time, how much of it is actually spent with her father? If she is on an every week schedule, don't worry about calling. She needs the time with her other parent regardless of how it pisses you off. And you, being the ever-vigilant, loving mother, need to encourage that relationship by not interfering by calling during his time. If you insist upon calling during your daughter's time with her father, regardless of whom she is with while she is there, you are sending a loud message to her that you do not trust him or his wife. She will learn that being at dad's is hurting you or making you angry and she will become resentful of you. Trust me. My son has been caught in the middle for 10 years. Kids are so in tune with what their parents are feeling towards one another that no matter what you say-it doesn't matter. They pick up on your facial expressions, body language, voice intonations, etc. Just sit back while your daughter is with her father and enjoy your own life. Your daughter knows who her mommy is (my mom had to tell me this for years before it sunk in) and she will love you more for allowing and encouraging her relationship with her father. You will have to fake it at first but after a while it will be more natural and you will see an improvement in your own relationship with your daughter. If she is gone for extended periods at her dad's, speak with him first before you get her a phone and see if he'll help foot the bill. Then, get one and set a once a week schedule for each of you to speak with your daughter in a quiet place where no one can listen in or interfere with the call. If she calls him while she's with you and vice versa, she will learn that mommy and daddy are supportive of her relationship with the other. It will be better for all of you. If his wife continues to interfere with your relationship with your daughter, bring it up to her father. If he does nothing about it then I recommend finding a parental alienation expert in your area and consult with them to find out your options. Hope this helps you. Good luck.

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Aletha - posted on 03/10/2011

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I tried that...they take her cell phone away the entire time she is there....

Karen - posted on 06/08/2009

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I got my kids a cell phone for when they are with there father. It works for us well. My daughter is also 8 and she dose fine with it. it also gives me peice of mind knowing she can call at any time she might need me for something.

HAZEL - posted on 06/08/2009

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I think firstly you should be nice and be matter of fact and light hearted in telling her and your ex how your daughter feels about it. Make them feel as if you are not angry, but now they know,,,that you know, if you know what i mean. You have given them the benifit of the doubt, Ask your daughter if she is happy there and if she gets on good with her step mum, and also ask her the reasons given for her not being able to call you. Your daughter is the most important thing here. I do not understand why your daughter is staying with her when her dad is not there. , it would make life a bit easier on you all if he was there on his daughters visits. Why would your ex partner be no help in the situation?, as he is her dad, and he should be thinking about his little girls happiness and security x Then if things dont work, definatley get a cell phone, . Or just stop her from going if she is not happy....Its hard to answer a question I suppose on not knowing how you all feel about each other x Good luck xx

Megan - posted on 06/01/2009

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There is something not right about that situation. You are her MOTHER and if she needs you she has the right to call you! Confront his wife and your ex and demand that your daughter has access to the phone if she needs it! And if that doesn't work give your daughter a cell phone. But in that case make sure it is for use only outside of school and limit to who and when she can talk on it. If some of the calls she makes seem unnecessary though.. discuss with your daughter when it is appropriate to call and when not. For example, if she calls nonstop to complain to you about this or that... those calls may be not necessary. But blatantly refusing to let her call you is wrong!

Shirley - posted on 06/01/2009

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I would ask them both to sit down with you and have a serious conversation about it... If that doesnt help then I would talk to her dad and figure out if you both can get her a phone or something so she can call you when she feels like it.

LaDonna - posted on 06/01/2009

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the person who needs to feel secure is your child. if she wants to call you to vent or complain or tell you how well her day is going then you should really make sure she has the availability to communicate with you. Its really hard sometimes for adults to put the childrens feelings ahead of their own her insecurities are not your problem nor should they adversely effect your child. I find in my own situation bedtime is the best time to set up a call so she can share her feelings of the day with you. Good luck and stay strong

Samantha - posted on 06/01/2009

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we had to do that with my nephew, get him a mobile phone because his mother wouldn't let him call his father, the phone was programed to only be able to call his fathers phone and he was told to not let his mother know he had a phone because she would have taken it off him. sometimes we have to give children mobile phones at a younger age than we would normally.

Beverley - posted on 06/01/2009

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I am sure that you & your daughter have a close relationship. But maybe you are the one that is sounding a little insecure? Is there any reason why your daughter needs to call you every time she is at her father's house? Maybe you do not trust his new girlfriend/wife or don't think much of her.

Your girl is growing, she is 8 & she needs to start having that little bit of independence & learning her own responsibilties & staying at her dad's house with her step mum means different responsibilities for her, but also creates her to have her own independence when she is away from you. It is good & important that children have their own little bit of space. Maybe you worry when she is not around, as to her saftey or whereabouts. It is normal to have concern over these issues, but we also need to let the child branch out & not feel so restrained & to trust them to trust themselves to make the right decisions about certain matters.

When she is at her father's house, maybe you should be trusting your ex that she is in a safe environment under her father's supervision & that she will see you when she comes home. If there is an emergency or anything important, then by all means she should call. But if not, then it really isn't necessary & maybe you should loosen your apron strings a little. Take the time when she isn't home, to do something that you like to do or to go out & spend time with someone special in your life.

Beverley - posted on 06/01/2009

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I am sure that you & your daughter have a close relationship. But maybe you are the one that is sounding a little insecure? Is there any reason why your daughter needs to call you every time she is at her father's house? Maybe you do not trust his new girlfriend/wife or don't think much of her.

Your girl is growing, she is 8 & she needs to start having that little bit of independence & learning her own responsibilties & staying at her dad's house with her step mum means different responsibilities for her, but also creates her to have her own independence when she is away from you. It is good & important that children have their own little bit of space. Maybe you worry when she is not around, as to her saftey or whereabouts. It is normal to have concern over these issues, but we also need to let the child branch out & not feel so restrained & to trust them to trust themselves to make the right decisions about certain matters.

When she is at her father's house, maybe you should be trusting your ex that she is in a safe environment under her father's supervision & that she will see you when she comes home. If there is an emergency or anything important, then by all means she should call. But if not, then it really isn't necessary & maybe you should loosen your apron strings a little. Take the time when she isn't home, to do something that you like to do or to go out & spend time with someone special in your life.

Lori - posted on 06/01/2009

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Having gone through a similar situation with my son and his father's wife, all I can say from experience is it SUCKS! There are several things you can and need to do to make this situation better. First, how long is your daughter at her father's for and, out of that time, how much of it is actually spent with her father? If she is on an every week schedule, don't worry about calling. She needs the time with her other parent regardless of how it pisses you off. And you, being the ever-vigilant, loving mother, need to encourage that relationship by not interfering by calling during his time. If you insist upon calling during your daughter's time with her father, regardless of whom she is with while she is there, you are sending a loud message to her that you do not trust him or his wife. She will learn that being at dad's is hurting you or making you angry and she will become resentful of you. Trust me. My son has been caught in the middle for 10 years. Kids are so in tune with what their parents are feeling towards one another that no matter what you say-it doesn't matter. They pick up on your facial expressions, body language, voice intonations, etc. Just sit back while your daughter is with her father and enjoy your own life. Your daughter knows who her mommy is (my mom had to tell me this for years before it sunk in) and she will love you more for allowing and encouraging her relationship with her father. You will have to fake it at first but after a while it will be more natural and you will see an improvement in your own relationship with your daughter. If she is gone for extended periods at her dad's, speak with him first before you get her a phone and see if he'll help foot the bill. Then, get one and set a once a week schedule for each of you to speak with your daughter in a quiet place where no one can listen in or interfere with the call. If she calls him while she's with you and vice versa, she will learn that mommy and daddy are supportive of her relationship with the other. It will be better for all of you. If his wife continues to interfere with your relationship with your daughter, bring it up to her father. If he does nothing about it then I recommend finding a parental alienation expert in your area and consult with them to find out your options. Hope this helps you. Good luck.

Crystal - posted on 06/01/2009

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a cell phone seems ok, but would the wife let her use it? could she say your daughter is not allowed to use it still? Unless you have an arrangement with the wife and let her know that you're giving your daughter a cell phone and to let her call you when ever she wants.

Have you any idea why she won't let her call when her dad's not around?

Chrissy - posted on 06/01/2009

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Who cares about her insecurities? It isn't about her it is about an 8 year old girl who has every right to get to her mom whenever she feels she needs to.

Cindee - posted on 06/01/2009

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you need to confront him, and if the situation is not resolved the nconfront her. she has no right to keep your daughter away from you even though its thru the phone. if your daughter wants to call you she has every right, if its long distance then the calls need to be limited or a time limit set. check your divorce papers and see what they say and if all else fails consult an attorney, just keep the kid out of it. hope all is well with you

Cindee - posted on 06/01/2009

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you need to confront him, and if the situation is not resolved the nconfront her. she has no right to keep your daughter away from you even though its thru the phone. if your daughter wants to call you she has every right, if its long distance then the calls need to be limited or a time limit set. check your divorce papers and see what they say and if all else fails consult an attorney, just keep the kid out of it. hope all is well with you

Quinetta - posted on 06/01/2009

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Quoting Rachael:

Who cares about her insecurities? SHe is your daughter and the step mother is not your concern. Talk to your ex and let his new wife know that if my daughter needs to call me then she is not to stop her.
That being said, you need to discuss appropriate reasons for your daughter to call you. Learning to respect all authority and behave is not just relegated to you. This woman is most likely someone that your daughter will have a relationship with and that needs to be built as much as possible.
Under no circumstances is a cell phone appropriate for an 8 year old kid. Besides that may look like you are going behind her back to talk to your daughter as opposed to dealing with the situation head on.



I completely agree!!!

Wendy - posted on 05/31/2009

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I had a similar problem when my four year used to go to her grandmother's. She would never call us. So I got her a cell phone, and I would call her. My daughter would answer and I could talk to her when I needed to or if she wanted to call me she could. Whatever you do remember that your daughter has to deal with her father and stepmother more than you do, and that maybe she should be a part of the decision process as she is already 8. She might be mature enough to help make a plan to decide what is best to make arrangements for you both to communicate better. Good luck with your situation.

Rebecca - posted on 05/31/2009

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Quoting Sarah:

I would suggest hearing both sides and trying to figure out the true issue. Lets face it, kids learn very early to lie and manipulate ,playing sides etc. You dont know what goes on there, your daughter could be playing sides , but then again, there could be an issue on the step mom side. I wouldnt suggest the cell phone thing until you've really thought this through and given your daughter and the stepmom a chance to have a calm rational ,adult conversation on the subject. And dont assume your 8yr old's not capable of playing you. You'd be surprised what our li'l angels are capable of. I am a stepmother and I am a mother as well, you gotta be objective and cant let your emotions control your judgement. I have been on both sides of situations similar to yours, and that sweet 9yr old stepdaughter has lied,manipulated ,stolen, but her mother had no clue what was going on. I kept a journal of every significant event , her mother just assumed I was the bad person in the situation, which I understood, she didnt know me and it was her child, however, it got to the point she tried taking my husband back to court and get real ugly in court , but we were blessed, the night before court she overheard her daughter bragging to her friend on the phone about the things she was doing. And everything is still not quite back to normal, but we're getting there. If its possible for you, a child therapist who specializes in children of divorce and blended family situations could be something to consider as well. Just some food for thought.


AGREE TOTALLY.  I'm a step-mom too and it's amazing that this group of mom's is jumping on board with what a child said. I never thought the mom was great in my situation. One time the boys did something major (cut up our back fence) and lied to their mom about doing it. Well it was obvious they did it. It was a perfect square. The mom said it broke that way! Well when the boys finally fessed up I made them call their mother and tell her they did it. She was furious. She didn't like being played at all. These boys don't pull a whole lot. They are pretty good kids. Right now my six year old is going through that terrible age--getting into trouble like crazy. They really are pretty easy. Early on we had to take the mom back to court things got so bad. It went in our favor. I think in the end both households have been happier. We don't get in each other's way and there's a lot more respect at both households for one another. You know the bottom line is I don't know anyone whose right 100% of the time. I've been wrong before so has she as well as the dad and step dad. It just seems like that's common sense. The mom starting out was easy, then difficult, now a breeze. It's all about mutual respect. And let's face it, if these mom's would stop and realize for 1/2 a second about how much easier we make things not worse. I can remember some times where my husband has made some extremely poor choices in regards to the kids. I'm there to actually balance those. All kids play adults and it's actually easier to believe that it's the step-mom doing something versus the dad. What kid wants to think that their parent does something wrong. 

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I have a friend whose 1st grader has a cell phone for simmilar reasons. Her Dad doesn't have a home phone.

As long as the child can handle the phone why not.

Sarah - posted on 05/31/2009

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I would suggest hearing both sides and trying to figure out the true issue. Lets face it, kids learn very early to lie and manipulate ,playing sides etc. You dont know what goes on there, your daughter could be playing sides , but then again, there could be an issue on the step mom side. I wouldnt suggest the cell phone thing until you've really thought this through and given your daughter and the stepmom a chance to have a calm rational ,adult conversation on the subject. And dont assume your 8yr old's not capable of playing you. You'd be surprised what our li'l angels are capable of. I am a stepmother and I am a mother as well, you gotta be objective and cant let your emotions control your judgement. I have been on both sides of situations similar to yours, and that sweet 9yr old stepdaughter has lied,manipulated ,stolen, but her mother had no clue what was going on. I kept a journal of every significant event , her mother just assumed I was the bad person in the situation, which I understood, she didnt know me and it was her child, however, it got to the point she tried taking my husband back to court and get real ugly in court , but we were blessed, the night before court she overheard her daughter bragging to her friend on the phone about the things she was doing. And everything is still not quite back to normal, but we're getting there. If its possible for you, a child therapist who specializes in children of divorce and blended family situations could be something to consider as well. Just some food for thought.

Laura - posted on 05/31/2009

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There are cell phones out there for kids now that you can pre program numbers, so the phone can only dial out and accept numbers that the parent has pre programmed(and 911)....I think this is a GREAT way to stay in contact with our kids without SHOVING them head first into this media crazed world....at 8yrs old its too much responsibility for them....there already having to grow up too fast. Anyways thats always an option for your daughter...it gets the job done without the confrontation...however I would tell your ex and his new gf at the same time.....that you have bought the phone for your daughter specifically so she can call u. Hope I was helpful.

Chanel - posted on 05/31/2009

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I would get her a cell phone. The kind of cell phone where only 4 numbers can be programmed into it. So she has your number and her fathers number and 911. Then she can't use it to just talk to anyone since it only dials the 4 programmed numbers.

Rebecca - posted on 05/31/2009

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Quoting Michelle:

A child under 12 years of age should not need a cell phone since they still need to be in adult care at all times. If the child needs to call you, then one of the adults can make their phones available to both you and your daughter for anytime you may need to call one another. However, isn't this dads time with his daughter? Doesn't he have the right to set his house rules? Let your daughter have fun without having to worry about mother while she is with dad and vice versa. Give your daughter persmission to have fun and blend in with his family.
If you think the child needs a cell phone so she can call you then I would suspect there is another problem that needs to be addressed with the father whether or not you are the one that wants to call and see how she is doing or if your daughter has expressed feelings on needing to talk with you. Ask youself if you need to let go of something? or has your daughter expressed good reasons to need to talk with you during her short weekend with dad. Either way you need to be communicating with dad for the best interest of your daughter. This shows your daughter you are trusting the situation and she will be relaxed and have persmission from the adults to just have fun and enjoy everyone in her life. If you and dad cannot communicate then find a nuetral party to provide this service to you. Adults transfer their own insercurities onto their children way too much.



I agree with you about passing insecurities onto your child. We had the same problem with the mom (I'm stepmom). We went back to court and this was one problem that was addressed with the judge. We won the battle but what it actually did was forced the mom to cut the purse strings. After awhile she learned to deal with it. I'm making it sound more harsh than what I really mean to because in the end she is now happier as well. She also remarried and had another child and my husband and I have a child and now it gives everyone time to enjoy the younger siblings while the children are visiting the other household. My husband had a real problem needing to talk to the kids every night and wanting to be able to do that while on vacation as well and the judge set him straight that it wasn't necessary to have access to phone calls while they are on vacation.

Michelle - posted on 05/31/2009

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A child under 12 years of age should not need a cell phone since they still need to be in adult care at all times. If the child needs to call you, then one of the adults can make their phones available to both you and your daughter for anytime you may need to call one another. However, isn't this dads time with his daughter? Doesn't he have the right to set his house rules? Let your daughter have fun without having to worry about mother while she is with dad and vice versa. Give your daughter persmission to have fun and blend in with his family.

If you think the child needs a cell phone so she can call you then I would suspect there is another problem that needs to be addressed with the father whether or not you are the one that wants to call and see how she is doing or if your daughter has expressed feelings on needing to talk with you. Ask youself if you need to let go of something? or has your daughter expressed good reasons to need to talk with you during her short weekend with dad. Either way you need to be communicating with dad for the best interest of your daughter. This shows your daughter you are trusting the situation and she will be relaxed and have persmission from the adults to just have fun and enjoy everyone in her life. If you and dad cannot communicate then find a nuetral party to provide this service to you. Adults transfer their own insercurities onto their children way too much.

Aroha - posted on 05/31/2009

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communication is the key here isnt it? Before you do anything, you will have to talk to your former partner first, and actually make sure that this is happening first,Its obvious by what youve said is that, the new wife has some insecurities..(dont know why, when then married....and did she think marriage would help her feel more insecure or less...hmmmmmm)so dont forget hes trying to please everyone,but at some point, someone will snap, and if you and ur former part...can-not have a descent adult too adult talk alot of issues including this one its never going to work,,,if you are able and everyone is able to put their feelings aside and talk about whats going on you will find things arent as bad as you think youve been told...im assuming if you decide to get the young lass a mobile , please make sure its a pre-paid...im a busy busy single mum of 8 children and I would be happy to have a chat to you about a mobile phone pre-pay pack for you, as i work from home , im my own boss, work when i feel up to it,im in the phone industry...and I like to focus on family/ies that need good manners and services and on occasions a happy and go lucky person to speak too than a r o b o t...so good luck with everything, and drop me a line if u need to no more...okay....

Shantel - posted on 05/31/2009

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Well the cell phone is ideal, however the situation should really be addressed. You should address this issue with her father so at least you can say that you tried to handle things the smart adult way...

Denise - posted on 05/30/2009

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WOW!!! What is she trying to hide that she doesn't allow her to call?? She has issues and you def have to confront the situation(Not) around your daughter and have a woman to woman conversation!! She must not have kids!!!!

Rebecca - posted on 05/30/2009

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I am a step mom. My husband doesn't handle anything and it's frustrating. I would think that the mom was married to this man for a good number of years that she knows what he's like and he isn't going to handle anything. The mom and I e-mail each other whatever we need to know. I'm lucky I'm dealing with a reasonable mom that would never just assume that I wouldn't let them do something. She would talk to me or my husband to find out what the real deal is. That's not to say in this case that the step-mom isn't being reasonable it could be exactly what's going on but the mom and I respect each other enough to at least give each other the benefit of the doubt. There could be a number of explanations. I do agree that a child should be able to call their mom and I've never said my step-kids couldn't. It could be bed time and it's already really late, etc. or the child could want to call and complain about discipline, etc. There could be many explanations or it may simply be an exaggeration by a child. I feel blessed to be dealing with the mom that I am. Just reading all of these responses helps me to know that at least all 4 parents (parents & step-parents) in my situation respect each other and understand that discipline is necessary at each house with or without a parent home. The mom I'm dealing with doesn't want her kids to misbehave and as a result has wanted her children to treat the step-dad and step-mom with respect. When my marriage isn't going great I do think about how I would feel having my ex-husband remarry. I know it would be hard to have another woman in the picture. For me it would be difficult to hear my child call another woman mom or any other form of the word but I've learned a lot from working with this mom on parenting and how to interact with the other house so I know it would be easier on me from that stand point than it appears to be with a good bit of the moms here.

Tiffany - posted on 05/30/2009

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I have a friend who did just that, she got her daughter a cell phone to call her when the child wanted to. Now as far as the ex's wife goes, if he's not going to handle it, then maybe there are some other things going on that he doesn't want to deal with either. That's what was going on with my friend. Her daughter finally opened up about alot of stuff going on and the mom confronted the wife. They came to some conclusions and my friend let the wife know how this was affecting her child and that made the wife see things in a different light. The issue has gotten alot better. Remeber she's more important than the ex's wife's insecurities.

Jessica - posted on 05/30/2009

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Your ex's wife has absolutely no right to come between you and your child wether he is there or not. If your daughter wants to talk to you then she needs to be allowed that. Having said that, you need to sit down with your ex and his wife and explain it to them calmly. I would also think that she owes you an explination as to why this is the case. As a mother who's ex JUST got married this past Sunday, I have already been thinking of running into issues like this in the future. Good luck...

Jessica - posted on 05/30/2009

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Your ex's wife has absolutely no right to come between you and your child wether he is there or not. If your daughter wants to talk to you then she needs to be allowed that. Having said that, you need to sit down with your ex and his wife and explain it to them calmly. I would also think that she owes you an explination as to why this is the case. As a mother who's ex JUST got married this past Sunday, I have already been thinking of running into issues like this in the future. Good luck...

Rebecca - posted on 05/30/2009

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Quoting Sheryl:

Be an adult about the situation and talk with both your ex and his wife. Being a mom and a step mom myself, I know that 8 year old can twist things in their favor. Of course your first reaction will always be to take the side of your child. But if you sit down as adults and discuss the situation, I'm sure you will come up with something. A cell phone for an 8 year old will not fix the problem, it will only create new ones. From personal experience, my daughter came up with all kinds of reasons that she needed a cell phone. But at 8 years old, there really isn't a good reason when she has 2 parents plus a step parent caring for her.


I agree with you Sheryl. What is so wrong with actually coming up with a solution together (all parents & step-parents). To think that kids don't make up stories is crazy. Right now my step-children behave better than my daughter. They rarely get into any trouble but it does happen. There has been an occasion where they lied to their mother about doing something at my house. She defended them. Then when I had proof that they did it, my punishment was to call their mom and tell her what they had done. She was furious. She wanted me to actually punish them. So, she punished them at her house. Both houses need to listen to one another and not jump to any conclusions before giving all of the adults the opportunity to say their side of the story.

Cari - posted on 05/30/2009

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you need to confront them because whether he is there or not your daughter has a legal right to call you. They can not stop your daughter from calling you at any time of the day or night. I am just reciently divorced and do know all about whether the kids can call or not. The new wife needs to get over her insecurities and just deal with it.

Cari - posted on 05/30/2009

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you need to confront them because whether he is there or not your daughter has a legal right to call you. They can not stop your daughter from calling you at any time of the day or night. I am just reciently divorced and do know all about whether the kids can call or not. The new wife needs to get over her insecurities and just deal with it.

Sheryl - posted on 05/30/2009

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Be an adult about the situation and talk with both your ex and his wife. Being a mom and a step mom myself, I know that 8 year old can twist things in their favor. Of course your first reaction will always be to take the side of your child. But if you sit down as adults and discuss the situation, I'm sure you will come up with something. A cell phone for an 8 year old will not fix the problem, it will only create new ones. From personal experience, my daughter came up with all kinds of reasons that she needed a cell phone. But at 8 years old, there really isn't a good reason when she has 2 parents plus a step parent caring for her.

[deleted account]

I had the same issue with my ex's new wife in the beginning. I sat down with my ex and his wife and explained Very clearly that...this was my ex's and my child not hers. When my children are with her she is JUST a caregiver. My ex and I make all of the decisions regarding our children and we as parents do not need her input. My children called home whenever they wanted. Sometimes kids just need to hear Mom's or Dads voice. It's just a phone call for goodness sake.

Rebecca - posted on 05/30/2009

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Quoting Jenny:




Quoting Tish:

my x knows the rules, and if he dont do his job as a dad and what i expect for my son whiles hes with him and his new wife to be, i will take it up with family court thru where you get support, its called parenting time hearings. Whomever hes with now, has absolutely no say in your childs welfare, like it or not, if you took him to court, even if they are married, shes not even allowed in the room. The x has to account for the new wife/gfs actions too. believe me, been there done that. you write rules you expect to be applied and accepted in thier home, you tell him if its not enforced to the letter, the concequence will be a parenting time hearing. you will get what you want. you have to be strong and decisive for you and your child, after all your the one that has the 24/7 position, you deal with all the concequences, they just ship em home. See what im saying, and maybe some would call me an itch for it, but guess what, i get what i want cause i dont let them roll over on me, my child, my rules or each other. so be strong, not for how you feel, but for the child, who prolly isnt comfortable sitting there w/o dad all day with another woman and then cant talk to thier mother, hell no. not happening. make him provide the cell phone! if they got net, make a private myspace type page and chat with them online too. no other womans deciding whats best for my kids. not w/o a fight. im the mother 24/7/365, bottom line.








Wow!!! That's harsh. I'm a step mom roo and I have just as much rights as the birth mom infact she had that same attitude towards me and when friend of the court got involved she had to concede on a lot of stuff and things went in favor of me and my husband so much so that her partner is not involved and the birth mom and my step daughter are involved. That much hostility is so hard for the kids. Exes need to put away their hostility for each other and do right by the kids. My dad tried to run my mom's life until the day she died and they were divorced when I was two. He made my mom's and my life hell because he wanted it his way all the time. Needless to say it took years for us to get a relationship again. I have one because of my kids. It's in their best interest for me to have a good relationship with people they have one with or have to come in contact with i.e. their siblinsgs mom. They see that even though I might not agree with everything she does i still respect her and treat her with the dignity she deserves ad if it wasn't for her I wouldn't have my sd in my life. PLease give us step mothers a chance to. Most of us want to be involed in a good way. But when the other half makes assumptions about us without even knowing us it's no wonder we seem to have insecuritys. Just because we didn't give birth to these children doesn't mean that we don't grow to love them every bit as much as if we had. Birth mothers don't have the monopoly on Loving them. We care too and want to work wit hyou to help raise these children right and teach them what they need before they go out into the world.







So I'm not the only one that found that offensive. I wrote a reply and thought better of it and deleted it. Just because I've stated my opinion many times and these people just don't get it. We agree about everything all of the time! It was harsh. I've experienced hostility between all 4 parents. There are a lot of generalizations here making the step mom out to be the devil. I'm incredibly offended for comments to be made that discipline in MY HOME isn't my concern. Talk about lose control of my household because there are one set of rules for one child yet my children have other rules. I can't run a household that way. Talk about unfair to all of the kids not only that when we went back to court the judge even told the mom that she can't tell us what to do at our house. Give me a break. If my household were to interfere with a step dad and mom it would be a different story. Both couples are remarried and none of us do that to one another. Let me see here if my step-child were to go off and hit my kid for no reason she/he wouldn't be disciplined. This is the type of thing that we are hearing on here and it is just not reasonable for a mother to let her kids run all over a step parent. I've never told my step children that they can't call home but these responses are coming off like MOMS can call the shots at dad's house. I do respect the mom. I have my own child and I understand that bond between a mom and her child. It is very different than a dad's to a child. However, that doesn't change how much that child loves her father or vice versa and children do grow to love step parents too. I have experienced the mom having no problem with her husband bringing the kids to school, etc. If mom's need help from time to time with their household why is there no understanding that happens at the other house too. Why is there more RESPECT for a caregiver at daycare than a step parent. I would say that is insecurities with moms. Believe me I know that I can be wrong sometimes so can dad BUT so can the other household. Open communication between the households is very important. My husband doesn't deal with anything. I do want him to do it but good luck getting that to happen. If it weren't for me the mom wouldn't know a lot of information that she needs to know. I take up for the mom all the time. My husband can be wrong and guess what I defend the mother when that happens. 4 parents put together can actually help at times. 

Cathy - posted on 05/30/2009

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I have Step children and they all have cell phones so their mom can reach them at all times, because she wont call the house.. Plus I think at that age you should beable to reach your daughter all the time. You are the natural parent and she is just the step-parent

Cathy - posted on 05/30/2009

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I have Step children and they all have cell phones so their mom can reach them at all times, because she wont call the house.. Plus I think at that age you should beable to reach your daughter all the time. You are the natural parent and she is just the step-parent

Justine - posted on 05/29/2009

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Personally, I would confront her with the topic regardless of her insecurities. This is about you and your relationship with your daughter whilst in her care. You have every right to speak to your daughter whenever you like. My ex-husband and I have an arrangement whereby whoever has the children, it is their responsibility to get them to call me before they go to bed EVERY night. I have remarried and he has a partner and both of them follow the same guidelines, even if we are both absent or away from the kids at the time they should be calling. The kids need consistency and she is not providing that. The only person she is hurting is your daughter.

Tonya - posted on 05/29/2009

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First of all! There is no way I would let my daughter go someplace that she can't call me. I don't care where it is. I understand that is her father, but he needs to set things straight. He needs to let his wife know that she can not come between you and your daughter. Since he is not going to do this then get her a cell phone to take with her. Good luck with this issue.

Nicole - posted on 05/29/2009

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She is your child... and that is the only person you need to worry about hurting. You have a right to talk to your daughter while she is away from home, and also your daughter should not be restricted from calling you if there is something she wants or needs to say. I wouldn't be allowing my child over there if their step-parent pulled that, my reason being, if she is not allowing your daughter to call, or recieve calls from you without her father present is there something going on that needs attention? And put your foot down in a firm but gentle way... you are her mother... tell them you can respect other house rules, but being denied phone access to your child is something that is just not tolerated by you. You don't deny them, why should they (of course meaning she) deny you?

Jenny - posted on 05/29/2009

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Quoting Tish:

my x knows the rules, and if he dont do his job as a dad and what i expect for my son whiles hes with him and his new wife to be, i will take it up with family court thru where you get support, its called parenting time hearings. Whomever hes with now, has absolutely no say in your childs welfare, like it or not, if you took him to court, even if they are married, shes not even allowed in the room. The x has to account for the new wife/gfs actions too. believe me, been there done that. you write rules you expect to be applied and accepted in thier home, you tell him if its not enforced to the letter, the concequence will be a parenting time hearing. you will get what you want. you have to be strong and decisive for you and your child, after all your the one that has the 24/7 position, you deal with all the concequences, they just ship em home. See what im saying, and maybe some would call me an itch for it, but guess what, i get what i want cause i dont let them roll over on me, my child, my rules or each other. so be strong, not for how you feel, but for the child, who prolly isnt comfortable sitting there w/o dad all day with another woman and then cant talk to thier mother, hell no. not happening. make him provide the cell phone! if they got net, make a private myspace type page and chat with them online too. no other womans deciding whats best for my kids. not w/o a fight. im the mother 24/7/365, bottom line.



Wow!!! That's harsh. I'm a step mom roo and I have just as much rights as the birth mom infact she had that same attitude towards me and when friend of the court got involved she had to concede on a lot of stuff and things went in favor of me and my husband so much so that her partner is not involved and the birth mom and my step daughter are involved. That much hostility is so hard for the kids. Exes need to put away their hostility for each other and do right by the kids. My dad tried to run my mom's life until the day she died and they were divorced when I was two. He made my mom's and my life hell because he wanted it his way all the time. Needless to say it took years for us to get a relationship again. I have one because of my kids. It's in their best interest for me to have a good relationship with people they have one with or have to come in contact with i.e. their siblinsgs mom. They see that even though I might not agree with everything she does i still respect her and treat her with the dignity she deserves ad if it wasn't for her I wouldn't have my sd in my life. PLease give us step mothers a chance to. Most of us want to be involed in a good way. But when the other half makes assumptions about us without even knowing us it's no wonder we seem to have insecuritys. Just because we didn't give birth to these children doesn't mean that we don't grow to love them every bit as much as if we had. Birth mothers don't have the monopoly on Loving them. We care too and want to work wit hyou to help raise these children right and teach them what they need before they go out into the world.

Maddy - posted on 05/29/2009

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your daughter should have every right to call you whenever she wants, without supervision... however if you don't want to be confrontational about it you can buy particular cell phones that are locked so they can only call specific numbers.. ie- you. maybe discuss this with her dad and using your feminine wiles turn it into HIS idea that she gets a cell so she can always contact HIM. unfortunately there's nopt a lot you can do about the wife...

Courtney - posted on 05/29/2009

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I am not a confrontational person, but when it come to MY kid and being able to talk to her I become a crazy person! Nothing should keep you from talking to YOUR child!! You should confront the step-mom...not in a threating way, but just point out to her that you don't appreciate what she is/isn't letting your daughter do! I mean, it's not like she is saying, "No T.V before bed" or something else trivial to your child, but she is preventing her from talking to you! That's bogus! If talking to her doesn't work, then talk to the ex! Again, don't make it threating, but men...and women for that matter...aren't mind readers. They aren't going to know that this bothers your, or your daughter unless someone says something. I hope I've helped!

Tish - posted on 05/29/2009

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my x knows the rules, and if he dont do his job as a dad and what i expect for my son whiles hes with him and his new wife to be, i will take it up with family court thru where you get support, its called parenting time hearings. Whomever hes with now, has absolutely no say in your childs welfare, like it or not, if you took him to court, even if they are married, shes not even allowed in the room. The x has to account for the new wife/gfs actions too. believe me, been there done that. you write rules you expect to be applied and accepted in thier home, you tell him if its not enforced to the letter, the concequence will be a parenting time hearing. you will get what you want. you have to be strong and decisive for you and your child, after all your the one that has the 24/7 position, you deal with all the concequences, they just ship em home. See what im saying, and maybe some would call me an itch for it, but guess what, i get what i want cause i dont let them roll over on me, my child, my rules or each other. so be strong, not for how you feel, but for the child, who prolly isnt comfortable sitting there w/o dad all day with another woman and then cant talk to thier mother, hell no. not happening. make him provide the cell phone! if they got net, make a private myspace type page and chat with them online too. no other womans deciding whats best for my kids. not w/o a fight. im the mother 24/7/365, bottom line.

Tish - posted on 05/29/2009

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my x knows the rules, and if he dont do his job as a dad and what i expect for my son whiles hes with him and his new wife to be, i will take it up with family court thru where you get support, its called parenting time hearings. Whomever hes with now, has absolutely no say in your childs welfare, like it or not, if you took him to court, even if they are married, shes not even allowed in the room. The x has to account for the new wife/gfs actions too. believe me, been there done that. you write rules you expect to be applied and accepted in thier home, you tell him if its not enforced to the letter, the concequence will be a parenting time hearing. you will get what you want. you have to be strong and decisive for you and your child, after all your the one that has the 24/7 position, you deal with all the concequences, they just ship em home. See what im saying, and maybe some would call me an itch for it, but guess what, i get what i want cause i dont let them roll over on me, my child, my rules or each other. so be strong, not for how you feel, but for the child, who prolly isnt comfortable sitting there w/o dad all day with another woman and then cant talk to thier mother, hell no. not happening. make him provide the cell phone! if they got net, make a private myspace type page and chat with them online too. no other womans deciding whats best for my kids. not w/o a fight. im the mother 24/7/365, bottom line.

Sarah - posted on 05/29/2009

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Being a step mum is really tricky, espcially to an older child, my Sd was 5 when I came into her life. We have been lucky to have a gret relationship between us and my husbandds ex. We let SD ring her mum whenever she feels like it, we have the number programmed in our phone for her, she can also text her from my husbands phone if she needs too. Now that we are a settled family she hardly does, it only seems to be if shes having an unsettled weekend or if shes not feeling well, sometimes she just needs to talk to her real mum and i'm fine with that. If I was in your situation i'd try talking to both Dad and the new wife and find out why shes not allowed to call, if that doesnt resolve the issue then there is nothing wrong with getting a cell. Id probalby approach it in the way that "i understand that you are tryingto bulid relationships with each other and between Sd and SM but i'm not comfortable with my daughter not being able to ring me when shes needs to"

Jacqueline - posted on 05/29/2009

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Have you tried to make friends with the step-mom? I am divorced and remarried as well as my ex-husband, too! It has been tough, but I have been through similar situations as you are going through. I would have a meeting with your ex-husband and his wife to calmly talk through what is going on. It could be that he doesn't even know it is happening! You never know what will happen with a little prayer and kind words! Yes even to an ex-husband! Hope that this will help! :)

Tamecka - posted on 05/29/2009

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I think that the idea of getting her a phone seems like a good idea. However, you need to let dad and stepmom know that you all have to work together to solve the little issues before they become too big and more important than the child, that is more important here! By her not letting your daugther call when he is not around, does sound a little kidish! She needs to grow up and be a woman and think about if she had a kid in that same case! How would she feel if someone told her kid that they can't call him to mommy?! A two minute call doesn't hurt anyone! Put a stop to the madness, because your daugther is more important!

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