When should I tell my son about his Biological father.....

Tata - posted on 07/22/2015 ( 14 moms have responded )

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Well I got pregnant at 15 with my son.. I married my husband when I was 18.. well his biological father only came around once when my son was 18 months old and the way t about that made my husband not like him at all... Well my son just turned 8 and now his biological father has started messaging me asking how he is and such (husband isn't happy) Well I am wondering when and how is the best way to explain to my son whats going on and keep the peace in case his biological father wants to come around (again im having to keep in mind my husband absolutely cannot stand him and doesn't want him around our son)

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 07/22/2015

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Um...also, at this point, family counseling may be a good idea. Your husband has a big adjustment, and so do you and your son. Having some coping mechanisms is a good idea

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 07/22/2015

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Does not matter that he's not on the birth certificate. If a paternity test proves out, he's got the right to be a parent, regardless of past drug use. That episode was 6.5 YEARS ago, after all, and you don't know what's gone on since.
Your husband can be offended and upset all he wants, but he needs to man up, realize that he IS NOT the biological father of this child, and be supportive of the child's relationship with his biological father. It will only raise him in the child's eyes, anyway, if he's a man about the whole thing.
The child having a relationship with his biological father should not be perceived as a threat to any other relationship, either.
You need to face this situation maturely. You didn't choose to share the information when it would have been easiest, so it's going to be a bit of a struggle now, but you owe it to your child to foster this relationship. The child has the right to it, even if you don't wish it to happen.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 07/22/2015

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well, your husband doesn't have any say in whether or not the child's biological father can or cannot be involved in his life, nor do you have the right to determine that the child's biological father not be involved, so I recommend that you not only tell your son what is going on, but get paternity fully established, so that custody can be granted, and support and visitation figured out.
Whether or not you want support from the guy, he's still got every right to be a parent to the child that you and he co created together. I understand that you were very young, but that is a result of your very mature choice to have sex. You get to co parent with this person for the next 10 years, and you've gotten off easy...because you've not been doing so for the last 8.
Time to come clean, and be ready for the next step of visitation rights.

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Dove - posted on 07/22/2015

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I ditto the family counseling. Someone impartial to help guide ALL of you through this process would probably be extremely beneficial.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 07/22/2015

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Tam, you just need to start by getting an attorney, and have him file for a paternity test request, and proceed from there. Make sure you mention the past use, but also keep in mind, past use doesn't mean current use, and if he's clean & sober, that's excellent news.

Tata - posted on 07/22/2015

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Shawnn I completely understand that which is why im asking for advice on how to go about this?

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 07/22/2015

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You can request a drug test through your attorney as part of the proceedings. The paternity test is going to have to be done, anyway, right? So they can do both at once.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 07/22/2015

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Talking about it 'around him' and telling him straight up are two different things.

Tata - posted on 07/22/2015

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No I try my best to never speak bad about him in front of my son.. My main worry is that he is still into drugs and such and that my son doesn't understand (he as severe ADD and ADHD and it causes him not to be able to concentrate very well) I completely understand my husband is going to have to get over it but I also understand that my husband had been taking care of my son like he was his own since before he was 1 so I can see both sides of this.. Like I said are main concern is my son not understanding and how to o about it and seeing if he is still on drugs?

Dove - posted on 07/22/2015

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So he knows he has a dad and a biological father and that they are two different people? You didn't make it sound like that, so I wasn't aware. Does he hear the two of you bad mouthing the man and arguing about him as well?

If you are concerned about drugs you can bring that up in court.

Tata - posted on 07/22/2015

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Dove we have never hide it from him really we have talked about it around him just never accually sat him down and spoke to him about it.

Tata - posted on 07/22/2015

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let me add that when he did come around when my son was 18months he was on drugs really bad and was cussing my husband in front of a then baby/toddler and has until recently said that my son is not his. His name is not on the birth certificate he wanted nothing to do with him until about 4 days ago. My husband has helped me raise my son since he was 9 months old

let me add that when he did come around when my son was 18months he was on drugs really bad and was cussing my husband in front of a then baby/toddler and has until recently said that my son is not his. His name is not on the birth certificate he wanted nothing to do with him until about 4 days ago. My husband has helped me raise my son since he was 9 months old

Dove - posted on 07/22/2015

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8 years ago would have been best (raising your son w/ the truth from the beginning), so it's time to start now. He's old enough for some very basic sex ed, so just explain that there was one man that helped create him... and another man that's been helping raise him.

This isn't your husband's decision to make. It is about your child's RIGHT to know his biological father. It's been a long time, so it will be a hard and slow process... your son needs the support of ALL of his parents if this is going to happen in a way that is least upsetting to him.

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