when to draw the lineÉ

Shelby - posted on 07/12/2012 ( 2 moms have responded )

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I've been with my daughters father for 4 years now. And i feel like i am both parents most of the time. Im constantly doing the cleaning, cooking, driving, grocery shopping, entertaining my daughter etc. And the only time he wants to help is when im almost done, or when i finally get mad about him not helping. He feels like i should ask him to do things, but hes 24 years old, and a dad, when will he realize what he needs to do. Im the one that grew up instantlyy when i found out i was pregnant with my daughter. Dont get me wrong we do have our good days, but lately ive been feeling like were drifting apart. Ive tried asking him to help me more, we fight about his not helping me and its escalates from there. He says that i get mad about everything, even though he waits until i blow up to decide to change, then a few days later it going back to the same damn shit. I love my daughter more then anything, but i sometimes regret having her with her dad. Is that a normal feeling?
I never get ``me`` time at all, or when i try to go to one of my best friends place he gets mad about it because he ``hates`` her, like how unfair is that. and he wonders why i get mad about every little thing cause it builds up and builds up. I honestly dont know what to do anymore, I dont know if i keep giving him chances and hope he will change, but ive honestly given him sooooo many chances, and ulitmatums and everything. I feel like everyone ive tried talked to about this is sick of hearing the same thing, and wonder why im still him. We have our good days and they are good, but when things like this happen it drives me crazy, because i dont know what to do. so any advice would be wonderful thanks ladies.

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Kristi - posted on 07/12/2012

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Sorry for the book! Holy Lord, I'm generally a long poster but this is a new record for me! : 0

Kristi - posted on 07/12/2012

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Hi Shelby. First of all, hang out in here for awhile and you'll find lots of moms who regret who their baby's daddy is. I am one of them. My daughter is the air that I breathe. I would never trade her in for a chance to go back again. You have no idea the intense hatred I have for my first exhusband, not because he cheated or didn't do much to contribute to our family. (2 of his daughters lived with us also. I took all 3 girls when I left.) Anyways, it is totally understandable. My sister and her husband had decided to try and have a baby, she was just shy of 38 when they started trying. But her husband, although a great guy, not the greatest husband material and would be the perfect weekend dad, because he is fun and kids love him. However, she knows she couldn't rely on him for any kind of support. She has the same problems with him. He rarely helps out around the house and is pretty inconsiderate. My sister works about 60 hours a week at a prestigious venture capitalist company. He owns a fishing charter. Yes, he catches big fish everyday for living! But he hasn't had to really be a grown up. My sister still has to ask for his help, she has to spell out how she feels and thinks because he doesn't pay attention to what's going on in her life. The long and the short of it is, she went back on birth control without asking him because she didn't want to be a "single mother," while working 60 hours a week and doing all the cleaning, etc.

My sperm donor was a bum. He decided he was too young for "this" responsibility and he wanted to go to college, etc. So my mom had to gorw up fast, too. She and my DAD have been married 40 1/2 years. She still has to ask for his help and explain her feelings because he has no emotions. Not really NO emotions but he's a logical guy. If there is something that needs to be done, he says/does 1..2..and 3, it's done. He doesn't get it if you can't "just snap out of it." emotionally speaking. But he has been a provider, a girl's softball coach, a boy's soccer coach, you can always count on him and has made it possible for my mom to do whatever she needs to do to support us "kids." (41, 39, 32) Oh, and she has this good friend from HS and he cannot stand her and does not like my mom spending time with her. But, he just grits his teeth and fusses for a few minutes before she goes to visit. So, I guess it boils down to the fact that men are clueless at every age and we can't change them.

You guys are pretty young. It kind of sounds like you both feel trapped. My 2nd husband and I were great at first, we spent all our free time together (before we got married), did all sorts of stuff together, he loved my daughter right off the bat and I loved his son. At this point, my daughter was still spending time with her dad and his son lived with his mom. They were 4 and 18 months, respectively. We took custody of his son about 6 months later, then my daughter's terd took off again, so things changed pretty quickly. I was fine with it, I loved being a family and raising the kids, thought he did, too. I am also 7 years older than he is. We both have our faults and I have bipolar disease, so not always the easist person to deal with. But he knew all this going in. Things started to go downhill right after we bought our house, perfect timing. Little tifs turned into bigger tifs. The tifs become more frequent. Then I found out he had been cheating on me, with all sorts of girls/women. But, I believed I could not survive without him. I put up with it until he couldn't put up anything. It no longer mattered that I'd been raising our kids and keeping house, etc. 8 years later he decided he wasn't ready for "this." He wanted to be single and party and he definitely did not want want to be with older, fat, bipolar, white woman with 2 kids. So, eventually things came to pass and my daughter and I moved 1400 miles away to be with my family. I miss my son fiercely and now that we are not living under the same roof and he doesn't have to feel guilty anymore, we're best friends.

Sometimes not even the kids can keep you together, sometimes you work better together when you're apart. I don't know how my parents have made it over 40 years and my grandparents over 60 before my gram passed. But if you're both miserable more often than not, it might be time to part ways before you end up hating each other, because the one who will suffer most is your daughter. You have been and always will be her primary care giver. You have to decide what is best for the two of you. And sometimes that means you and she need to make a go of it on your own. It is sooo not easy. Even when we first left her dad, it was hard because you don't want to believe the father of your children is really an asshole. I didn't want to believe my 2nd husband was cheating but he was, I just too scared to let go. But we are rid of my daughter's dad, thank you Jesus. She isn't surrounded by emotional turmoil and negativity anymore. She is doing great now. She will be 13 soon. She hasn't been this happy since she was about 7.

But I did the same thing as you, stayed, fought, cried, tried harder, turned the other cheek a lot, complained to my friend and my mom. I don't know what to do. I love him (hubby # 2) and I want things to work but I couldn't take the emotional hell I was in. And back around we'd go. If you don't see any progress in his attitude and behavior after so long, it's time to let him go. If he is really trying to do better it might be worth working through. But, IMO, based on your post it doesn't sound promising. Life is way too short to be stressed and walking on eggshells because you can feel the next fight coming, and the tension is so thick you'd need butcher knife to cut through it. Your daughter deserves a calm, stable, loving environment. It is bettter for her to have 2 of those homes than 1 home together where no one gets along, there is arguing all the time (believe me, they know, no matter how hard you try to keep it from them. Babies can sense everything their parents are feeling.) and then she doesn't know who she can count on or who she's supposed to love "more," etc.

Everyone deserves happiness. If you keep looking for it in the same place and it's not there anymore, it's time to look for it elsewhere. But like I said, if he is making an honest effort to be a better partner I would vote stay and work it out. You know in your gut what the truth of the matter is. So listen to your gut and think with your head. Ultimately, no matter how many women respond, you have the final say. You have to accept the truth and work from there. I hope something in here helped, or at least gave you some comfort knowing you are not alone. I will be watching the posts and hoping the best for you all. Hang in there.

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