When to tell 3yr old son my Husband adopted him-not Biological Father

Michele - posted on 02/13/2014 ( 4 moms have responded )

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My son just turned 3 and I contemplate when i have to tell him he is adopted. My husband (whom I had known 12yrs prior) has been in my son's life since before he was 4mths old. He has raised him as his own.
The Bio signed away his rights so my husband could adopt just after my son turned 2. Bio now sends Birthday and Christmas gifts and I have no idea how to explain to my son who is sending the gifts nor when to tell him the truth.

Bio's sister has contacted me and I plan to get them introduced as I understand my son deserves to know the other side. I don't think my son needs to know the ugly truth of his bio (he tried to strangle me when i was 7mths pregnant with my son and chose to sign away his rights before his wife or 3 daughters found out).
My Husband loves my son more than anything and in just a couple weeks the adoption will be finalized and both my son & my last name (finally) will change to my husband's. We have another son under 2yr and both of my boys look alike and if you didn't know already, you would never be able to tell my son and husband aren't blood.

I know I need to tell my son but how and when is the best time? Is having him conect to his Bio-Aunt an easier way to ease him into understanding? Bio kept my son a secret from grandparents, Aunts, cousins, and siblings. Any parent or kids from this situation have any suggestions for me?

BASICALLY...when and how do I tell my son biologically Daddy isn't kin? And any tips on how to handle the

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Sarah - posted on 02/13/2014

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I work in adoption and actually now is when you should be talking about it. You start off simple and as he gets older you add more to it. You do it age appropriately. So no you don't tell him about his bio dad strangling you. You start by telling him about how your son came into your hubby's life and how he wanted to be your sons dad.

Keeping it a secret or hiding it until he gets older makes your son feel ashamed of who he is and he then looks at you as lying to him. If you are open about it he knows you will always be truthful and he knows that he can always come to you with questions or concerns. Also keeping it a secret often times does not work because usually someone else ends up saying something before you do. This leading to your son trusting you even less.

There are many many books out there that talk about all kinds of adoption. Find some that are geared for 3 yr. olds. Read him the book and then talk about how it relates to him. Then keep the conversation open. Don't focus solely on the adoption, but do allow it to be part of every day conversation.

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Michele - posted on 02/13/2014

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Thank you Sarah, I think how you explained helps. I will look for books to help me ease him into it. I don't want my son to ever think he wasn't wanted or loved because the day I learned of him I was determined to give him all he needed so when my husband stepped into the roll as if my son was born to him, my husband has been wrapped around his little finger ever sense.

Michele - posted on 02/13/2014

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I planned on 10-12 when he would understand better, but a friend said that it is better if they grow up knowing as feelings won't be attached. I agree now is WAY too early, but now I wonder when is right? Kindergarten? or stick to 8-10? I am so confused and just want to make that truth easy on him as once he learns the deeper truth of his Bio, I am sure he will be angry.

MRS SADIA - posted on 02/13/2014

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I think this is not the right time....he is too young yet....let him grow up .. the age of 8 -10 is the best in my opinion

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