where do I stand with fiancé and his baby's mom

Courtneyrae85 - posted on 08/07/2015 ( 10 moms have responded )

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Ok this isn't your ideal situation I will try to make a short version of it... My bf and I broke up after a year of dating. We split up for 3 mos during which time I still went to him w/ problems & stayed in touch w/ him but we didn't hang out only texted now & then. we started dating again & 2 weeks later found he got a girl pregnant while we were broken up. They did not date only hung out a few times and drank together. I was devastated & was flooded w/ emotions! They discussed adoption but in the end she decided to keep the baby. I reacted horribly and immaturely and emailed her I never threatened her or anything like that but said a few nasty things i let my emotions get the best of me. Not even 5 min after hitting send I emailed & apologized she didn't accept my apology which was understandable I did what I could to make it right. Ieft her alone til 4 mos later when she had her ultrasound & I simply emailed congratulating her on it being a girl she still responded nastily & i left it at that. About 6 mos along she decided to meet up w/ me so we could move past everything and get to know each other. We had coffee and talked things went well we starting texting each other about the baby & later we all her, her parents, my fiancé his parents & myself went to supper together. Now all of sudden my fiancé is going to meet his baby for the first time & she has turned on me again and wants me to have nothing to do with it just out of the blue after all the talks we had! she says he can only see the baby at her parents or his parents house while she is there and I cannot come. I feel very upset and left out considering how things played out. Maybe I feel more upset b/c I am not the other woman or the new girlfriend she's the other woman in this situation. Why do u think she is out casting me after all the meetings and conversations we had to move forward in a positive way for the child? How would you feel if you were me? I have helped me fiancé come to terms with this I have been supportive 100% I have helped him pick out & buy everything he will need for a baby, have asked about every doctors app., lawyer meeting etc. etc. I am a single mom myself and never had problems with my sons stepmom we've always got along great. My fiancé and this other girl have never had children.

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Aarika - posted on 08/08/2015

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You DO need a relationship with her, in my opinion. You've had a child you know how your emotions flow, I would say she's possibly jealous you got what she thought she would get when she turned up pregnant, lots of girls do. Plus with your 1st child you don't know how to talk your emotions out because you don't knw how your feeling. Also, in my opinion, theirs someone in her ear telling her what to do and not to do. I'm guessing it's the mom...Lol I listen to mine with my first when I was 20 cuz I truly didn't knw what to do. I think when she finds another bf and is happy with someone again she will come around. I think you should continue trying to talk to her, that's how we forgive others. Continue talking until their comfortable again. Now, the most important, that child is NOT ur step child to everyone else. You are not the child's soon to be or are their step mother. You need to make it perfectly clear to her she's the mother you will never try to replace her, you're not going to even let them call u momma lol. Silly maybe but that was my #1 problem, I could never seem to get past that #1 thing, no matter how hard I tried, I always came back to it, & it would kill me inside. U should try a letter to her about the not being the "step mom", maybe that's all she's waiting for? Who knows! But now my oldest son is 13 not 1 anymore and his dad is married and we have an ok relationship, she's jus kinda odd but I like her way better than him, me and her talk not me & him, and to everyone on my end I say, that's his step mom. She loves him & is good to him, & that's what's the most important in the end.

Raye - posted on 08/10/2015

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Oh, Courtney... It's going to be a long road ahead. First let me say I think your attitude about your ex's relationship is fantastic. I am a step-mom (no bio-kids), and it is really hard to manage having all the responsibilities of being a mother with the little recognition that comes with it. It's great when someone can recognize that a step parent does love and want what's best for their step kid(s). But my experience has been different. The BM will be sticky sweet to my face, and not so nice behind my back.

Recently my SD wanted a sleepover with a friend, but her dad was on the phone so she "asked" me (in that she said she had this great idea that they should have a sleepover) and I said no (because we were leaving for vacation the following day). So she went over and told her friend that they couldn't have a sleepover. No drama, situation handled.... right? Wrong! Her mom showed up later, and the friend said something about "we wanted a sleepover but Stella's mom said no". OMG! You would have thought the world ended. BM leaned over that child pointing her finger and said "I'M Stella's MOM, THAT (pointing at me) is her STEP-mom." The poor girl looked horror stricken. Let me establish that Bio-mom was the one that ended their marriage, my husband has primary custody, and the kids call me by my name, never mom. We've been together almost 2 years, but Bio-mom is still so insecure that she had to scold that little 8 y/o girl.

Me and Bio-mom have always gotten along face-to-face, but I really can't stand her. She's a huge flake and she consistently disappoints the kids. But I suck it up and smile and am nice to her every time I see her. Sometimes you have to be the bigger person and not let the other person get under your skin. What happens with her is not my circus, and although I love the kids, they're not my monkeys. So a lot of times, I have to just step-back, bite my tongue, and let the bio-parents deal with things the best they can.

Michelle - posted on 08/08/2015

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Courtney, I have a successful co parenting relationship with my ex, myself and my husband as well. It doesn't mean that everyone will though. My ex's girlfriend doesn't like to talk to me but hey, that's her problem. I don't need to discuss my children with her.
My husband and ex get along great and have from day 1. Even my ex had said we should have a baby as we would make a gorgeous one. It all depends on the individual and you can't make her accept the situation.
My advice is to let your Fiance build his relationship with his child and get visitation established. She may come around in time and realize her fears are unfounded.

Jodi - posted on 08/08/2015

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She can't just dictate when and where he sees the baby - he has rights. He can talk to a lawyer and set up a visitation schedule through the courts and she will have no say in it.

With regard to how she feels about you, that's something you can't control and you are really just going to have to put up with. Continue to remain civil and polite and support your fiance; that's really all you CAN do.

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Jodi - posted on 08/08/2015

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I've never even met my ex's new wife.....just saying. I have no need to. To be fair, my son is much older, but really, you don't need to be buddies. As long as your fiance and his ex can co-parent in the best interests of the child, you don't need to be involved.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 08/08/2015

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Courtney, you're right, a lot of your feelings may stem from the successful co parenting relationship that you do have with your ex, and in a perfect world, EVERYONE would see that in the long run it is better for the child. I'm glad that you do have a successful relationship with your ex in regards to your child.
However, (as we all know) not everyone can do that. This woman (note, I didn't say that EITHER of you were the 'other' woman, because that term doesn't apply), however, feels threatened by you for whatever reason. Perhaps your boyfriend is someone she's been 'after' and thought that the baby would cement that, or perhaps she's just a woman who can't wrap her head around what would be best, emotionally, for the child, but at this point, you can't force the relationship.
I do understand that you want to be involved, but you may not be able to be. Once you're married, and your boyfriend becomes your husband, he could then ask for amendments to court orders, and ask that you be allowed to be included, especially as the child gets older, and visitation goes from a couple of hours or 1/2 day in the presence of mom to overnights at dad's, etc. At this point, though, even though you may be engaged, you're still the girlfriend, not the wife, and as such, don't have a whole lot that you can do, other than be supportive of your boyfriend and the child's needs.

ETA: PS: Kudos on that successful co parenting relationship with your ex! That is awesome that you have all come together for your son.

Courtneyrae85 - posted on 08/08/2015

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Aarika H. Thank you for your response! I have definitely reassured her that I am not going to step in and try to take her role as a mother. I would never do that or even let their child call me Mom or anything like that. I am a mom myself and I would never do that to another mother. I told her and my fiancé I will love the child and help out whenever needed and I'll be there for the baby but I would not over step my boundaries. I told my fiancé also that whenever he has the baby I would be there to help him considering he's new to all this but I wouldn't be doing everything for him I would just be there to show him and support him b/c it's his child not mine and I didn't want to make the mother feel like I was trying to take her baby from her. Thank you so much for your advice! It's just a really hard situation to cope with when you find the man you love and want to marry and b/c of small stuff we broke up for awhile only to get back together and get that kind of news! It was heartbreaking especially considering he knows how much I want more kids and I wanted him to experience all those firsts with me, someone he loved and cared about not some girl he barely knew! And to be on the sidelines watching it all has been hard. In the end I made my decision on love if I really loved him I would stand by him thru thick and thin right? But I knew it wouldn't be easy nothing ever is.

Courtneyrae85 - posted on 08/08/2015

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I am supportive of my FIANCÉ building a relationship with his child. Obviously I am a mother my son is 11 years old and his dad and I haven't been together for 10 years. My son has had another woman in his life since age 3. I know how it can be co-parenting. I never had a problem with her being in my sons life it's just another person to love and care for him and I don't see a problem in that! If someone is willing to step in when they don't have to then I get them major props it's not easy to do that. I guess maybe that's why my feelings are hurt so much because I had it so easy with my sons father and his new girlfriend now wife and we all got along great for my son and he just had that many more people to love him. The problem here is that I am going to be part of my finances child's life from now until forever so I don't understand why the mother wants to make it difficult when in the end I'm always going to be here. My fiancé and I live together he's a huge part of my life and my sons life and we would both like it if I could be a part of his child's life too. And maybe I shouldn't of used the term other woman but I am not the other woman here either that's for sure. I don't know how you would feel if you were in my shoes but I have been with my fiancé for 2 years minus the 3 mos we split and in those 2 years we lived together all but those 3 mos. his child's mother knew him for one month they did not date they hung out 3x while partying and slept together twice. So I don't know what you would really consider their relationship honestly he doesn't know much about her I probably know more than him from the conversations her and I had. So maybe you don't think she's the other woman but I definitely shouldn't have to feel like the other woman either considering the circumstances at hand.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 08/08/2015

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First of all, she is not the 'other' woman in this situation, because you and your boyfriend were separated at the time of conception, so don't even go there. She is the mother of your boyfriend's child, and she doesn't have to let you be in on the relationship at this point. It is about the child's father bonding with the child, not the child's father's girlfriend not getting her feelings hurt.
You have absolutely no place in that relationship between her, the child, and your boyfriend, and to push the issue would be presumptive and rude.
What you NEED to do, is let your boyfriend have his relationship with his child, under whatever terms the court dictates. If, at this point, it is visitation at either her or his parents home, then that is what it is.
Would it be better for the child if all of the adults in its life could get along and behave as adults? Yes, it would, but this is the real world. For some reason people cannot seem to behave as adults when it comes to children, and the custody/support/visitation of those children.

Michelle - posted on 08/08/2015

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I agree with Jodi, your partner has to go to court and get custody, visitation and child support sorted out NOW.
In regards to you having a friendship with her, you don't need one. Remain civil but you don't need to be best friends.

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