Rossana - posted on 01/30/2015 ( 27 moms have responded )
I am under a lot of stress these days.
One thing in particular has put me in an awkward situation and that’s my daughter’s wedding.
I need some advice or helpful feedback.
I am divorced over ten years. My ex moved his girlfriend in to our home fairly quickly. And even though this women knows my children, has been part of there lives, she did not raise them, my girls never once referred to her as step mom. It was always dad's girlfriend. My daughter is now engaged and planning her wedding. I will help out if asked, give an opinion, go shopping if ask. But my daughter & her guy are doing most of the planning themselves. I'm proud of my daughter & love her so much.
I am trying to be helpful as much a possible but other than when I am asked, I do not get to involved
In the planning or decisions of her wedding day. . She has been good about including me whenever possible.
Her sister is also a big help to her.
A few months back I asked her if I could organize a small bridal shower for her.
I wanted her to have the shower, as I think it is like a rite of passage to the wedding.
She agreed, and so her sister &
I started to plan out this shower.
My daughter is young and has limited funds and me wanting to be the good mother, have been paying for most, if not all of the shower.
I have kept both girls informed on all the details and planning.
I have made sure that The bride was happy with the venue, the theme of the shower, the flavor of Cake , what games to play and the guest list. I decided to invite people from my side, her dads side and the grooms side of the family. A large expense for me.
I am living a little vicariously through my daughter and that being said, I wanted this to be a very nice event and figured it would be the only shower She would get before her big wedding day.
The problem is this. As I was planning out the guest list, I figured we would have roughly 60 to 70 women. 8 women per table blah blah blah….
No brainer, right.
Well the other day, my younger daughter makes a comment about her dad’s girlfriend sitting at the same table with myself, the grooms mother & my daughters, plus the other two girls in the bridal party. (Which happen to be the grooms daughters).
The bridal party is small so other than them & the mothers of the couple I was not expecting any one else to sit at our table.
I did not think about my ex’s girlfriend nor did I do it out of malice. I simple thought to myself that she would be seated at a table with her mother in-law & the
sisters in-law. This to mean seemed not only appropriate but a natural reasonable course of action. I have always been kind, considerate & friendly when I had to be towards my ex. Never any drama.
But this is my daughters bridal shower. A party that I am hosting, I am paying for and organizing. I am her one and only mother. And to be honest I do not want to have to share any time more than necessary with that women. To be honest, she seems like a nice enough person and I am happy my children like her & get along with her. But now for the first time ever, I am hearing the word step mother being through around and it is upsetting to me. My daughter seems to feel that this women should be seated with the mothers and that this is her place. I do not see how on god’s green earth she has earned this right.
Nor do I see how this issues has become so important to my daughter who also has told me that she does not want anyone talking or thinking that there is any problem between them. Well let me just say when I heard these words coming out of her mouth I was beside myself.
I know that the day of the wedding will be hard for me. A single person surrounded by happy couples. Everyone pair off, dancing, celebrating and me alone sitting at a table surrounded by very few family members & friends. I have come to know & expect that this is her day and my daughter will plan it as she sees fit. Very little input from me and even less of my involvement. The shower was my project my small contribution that I could have some control.
Not only has she taken this away from me but there is no way it can ever be fixed. I cannot pretend that her concerns regarding her father girlfriend were not front and centre. I cannot pretend that she is always more attached to that side of the family. I have come to realize that no amount of money, trips or love that I offer to this child will ever make her stop and think of me as a women, a person and her mother.
And finally, my daughters last concern for the shower was the type of table. Would it be a round table like the one our invited guest would sit at or she wanted to know if the table would be a long head table. When I asked why & asked which one she preferred, She quickly stated that the longer table would be better.
I was told how the round table was great for promoting conversation and interaction among the invite guest, but for her so called step mother it would be uncomfortable since I was going to be seated at the same table, my daughter thought it best to get the long head table style so we would not have to look at one another or talk. I was discussed, ashamed and totally pissed off at this whole conversation and the sheer fact that my daughter who I have done everything possible for could dismiss my feelings and understand that her place was not by her side. That honour belong to me and I would not give it up without a fight.
My reasoning is simply that I am her mother. I am hosting the shower. I am paying for the shower. And that I do not want to believe that all of a sudden this women has meant more to my daughter then she has ever lead me to believe.
I do not want to say no to her but this is my honest reaction. Plus, even if I say no way she will sit elsewhere, The damage has been done and I will never get that feeling of lost out of my head and heart.
I have to fight for every crumb of affection with my child. I get left overs and I am reminded often that I am not her # one in her books.
Am I wrong to feel the way I do? Is this arrangement wrong in anyone else’s eyes? What is your opinion on this matter. I would love the feedback and please be honest.
My last resort is to allow the girlfriend to sit at my daughters table but I will make other arrangements for myself. Or do I just cancel the shower all together?