Whether to keep the baby and how to make things work???

Julia - posted on 08/08/2015 ( 6 moms have responded )

6

0

1

I'm in a bad situation. I've been engaged to my fiancé since Christmas and throughout our relationship we've had sporadic fights about every 2 to 3 weeks or every week that are really debilitating for both of us and take us days to recover from. My fiancé drinks a lot sometimes and becomes mean and critical when he does, to the point that I become scared when he drinks at all. He takes offence to this and this only fuels his anger. I became pregnant about 3 months ago and am about 14 weeks along. Our life together is not good, but when we're not fighting I'm not miserable and generally feel ok. When we fight, he tells me that he's unhappy with me most of the time and it really hurts me. He has health issues, owns a house I'm really uncomfortable living in because it's messy and dirty, but is responsible in terms of work and financial responsibilities. We fight fairly constantly. I still don't know whether to keep the baby…it's so far along…and I've been raised Christian and am so scared to go through with an abortion. I can't support the baby easily on my own, but do have some financial support from family. My Mom tells me I have to make things work with him for the sake of the baby. I don't want my life to be ruined because I got pregnant, but everything seems to awful, I just don't know what to do. My fiancé makes my life seem to dismal because he's gloomy and has so many problems he doesn't deal with. He wants me to keep the baby and would even father it on his own. I've told most of the people I know that I'm pregnant and feel like there's no way out or happy way to deal with this situation. What should I do?

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 08/08/2015

13,264

21

2015

It sounds like he has alcohol issues, and until he recognizes that, and gets treatment for that addiction, he's not going to get any better about the drinking and the rages that go with it. Those are truly symptoms of alcoholism, and he can be a danger to you, your pregnancy and your child.
Your mother's recommendation is unrealistic, and we all know that.
My recommendation is that you ask him to go for substance abuse counseling as well as both of you going to a relationship therapist. If he's willing to do so, then continue to work with him, and have him help you decide about this child. If he is not willing to do so...there's your sign. Get out now. When the child is born, if you choose to keep the child, get paternity established, and file for full custody and support, but request that visitation be supervised due to his alcohol abuse. I would also recommend, if you do split but keep the child, that you either get supervised child exchange, or a mediator to be the go between with the child, also to minimize potential abuse towards you down the road.
Being Christian doesn't mean you have to stay in a relationship that is detrimental to your health. Our Lord understands and supports that. If your mother doesn't...well, it's harsh, but that's her problem. She's not the one dealing with an alcoholic asshole and potential physical abuser. You are, and you need to do what it takes to make sure you stay safe, and protect the child you are carrying.

6 Comments

View replies by

Sarah - posted on 08/09/2015

9,473

0

22

One statement you made really jumped out to me:
" Our life together is not good, but when we're not fighting I'm not miserable and generally feel ok."
This is no way to live! You should be overjoyed and feeling happy, safe and contented. No relationship is perfect but if the best you feel is "not miserable"? Move out.
Tell your mom you are doing the best thing for you and the baby. If you did decide to surrender the baby for adoption, he told you he'd choose to parent exclusively.
If you can't work hard together to improve your relationship, maybe you can work toward learning to co-parent effectively.

Julia - posted on 08/09/2015

6

0

1

Thanks Maya. What are your thoughts on the concern that he will be in my life forever if I keep the child and may actually ruin my life? Maybe that sounds extreme, but I know he won't be a distant father. He'll be wonderful to him/her and horrible to me.

Maya - posted on 08/09/2015

3

0

0

I dont mean to preach, but with my oldest i didnt know what to do... But he has been the best thing that ever happened to me. You need to remove yourself from that life with that man. And this baby is the blessing to get you moving...you can do it on your own. You dont want to have that child grow up feeling the way you feel. Does your mom know about the drinking?with or without the baby you need to get out now.. A baby doesnt save a relationship.

Julia - posted on 08/08/2015

6

0

1

Thank you very much Shawnn and Michelle, I really appreciate your input. I hope the answer of whether or not to keep the baby comes to me. It's upsetting and makes me feel ashamed to even be considering this. I know I need to walk away from the relationship with him which won't be easy either. Either way, it's the hardest decision of my life so far. Thanks for your input.

Michelle - posted on 08/08/2015

3,918

8

3246

I agree with Shawnn, see if he will get help but if he won't then leave.
You shouldn't stay with someone like that just because of your baby, your Mother is completely wrong on that one!!!!
Plenty of women do it on their own and survive, even thrive. You need to think about yourself and your baby first.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms