Who is on second marriage and have problems with their step children?

Karen - posted on 01/16/2010 ( 12 moms have responded )

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Does your husband side with them all the time and if so how do you stay married and in love?

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Nava - posted on 01/18/2010

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HI,

I've not been married as long as you so I hope i'm not giving you the wrong advice. Unfortunately it seems that when the kids were young you and your husband should have talked more about roles and boundries in your new exstended family.

Reading your story thoroughly. I think you are miss reading your husbands motives and making assumptions about the outcomes ie: they will not learn to be independant. My guess is that every time your husband and his kids have that ride to work together it's a short moment of quality time together.

"But he also asks for rides to places and or asks dad to p/u something and dad does, we only live 4 city blocks from his job but if dad is not working he asks him to take him and pick him up and even if dad is out somewhere else but local he will stop what he is doing and pick him up but if dad is at work he gets himself to and from work."

-They've been through a loss and he is trying to play mother and father to them because to put it bluntly you are not their mother and they will never be able to feel the motherly love they need from you.They're probably looking for opportunities to connect just with their father.I think personally that this is exactly what a nurturing father should be doing at any age, families are supposed to be there for one another. You'd do it for a friend....You don't have to show tough love to prove a point and refuse him a ride MAKE him become independant it's not you job. I think the more you accept them needing their father for themselves sometimes and even encourage it. With me, many times if i think there is a need i leave the room if i feel my step son and father need talk time together and i encourage my husband to take his son places together. Thank goodness my stepson likes me so much he doesn't want to go any where without me!

"They had no manners, table or regular along with a good hygiene so I was the one to teach."

Fathers genarally are no good at this they were with him alone for two years. This does not mean he was a bad father.

"Big problem now is the 24 yr old will not come over so my husband goes to see her every Sunday for 4-5 hours, she has no license and when she doesn't want to take public transportation she calls him and he runs."

This is not your problem to solve (except that she needs to feel like coming home again)you just have to be caring towards her. I think it is fantastic that your husband does this. Let your husband deal with it.

"He tells me that he is going off to college in the fall and wont be back so we need to treasure the time we have left with him and I said I agree but I cant not correct him or stop being his parent or walk on egg shells because he is moving away in 8-9 months, how is that helping the child to be more independent and less dependent on him or us?"

- Your husband is right! You are not his parent. The child is independant....he's going to college!!!!!

Looking at this from an outsider I see that you are married to an exceptionally good father! You can still have a fantiastic marrage if you focus on being caring and making a good bond with his kids. I think what teaching how to be dependant vs independant means something very different to you than your husband and you may not neccessarily be right.

If your husband sees how much you care and bond with his kids he will care for you and your opinions more.I think you need a little more selfinsight. I would tell you not to make any comments to them about how they are leading their lives at all. and just start to take an interest in them as people, make things they like to eat, ask them about their work etc you will see with time that they will want to spend time with you and ask for advice even.

I hope this helps

Karen F - posted on 09/13/2012

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I have 2Adult dghtr's with kids who are very close to my husband, grandkids included. His 2 grown dghtr's live 800 miles

and 3000 miles away with no childten. There's is so much tension between his girls and me, that I am ready to give up . It's not just the distance. He thimks I should "just keep tring, as I have been for 3yrs, frankly I am tired of it. She is 28 and married.m my hsbdn keeps wanting me to give her one more chance. Frankly, I am tired of her disrespect for me and feel like he needs to try to fix it? HEPL! Overall, he is a good guy.

Thanks

Nava - posted on 01/16/2010

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Your husband will probably listen better if you don't discuss prblems infront of the kid. I have a step son 11, if I find his behaviour disagreeable I discuss it with my husband in private, we make a plan of action, then we are consistant how we respond to the child until the next issue.

Cori - posted on 01/16/2010

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when i was younger my mom and dad divorced and my dad remarried, my mom was dating/living with a guy.

i hated it, my dad always took his new wives side and she came into our house and tried to change everything to the way that SHE does it.. it drove me crazy and i hated it, and i resented her and my father for it and even more so my father for never listening to me or taking my side.

my mom was always on her boyfriends side too. if he said jump she said how high.. he was mean to my sister and i and then tried to buy our love with expensive gifts like new snowboarding gear, season tickets to the mountain, tv's and anything else that he thought we wanted.... all we really wanted was our mom to listen to us.

my mom and her boyfriend eventually broke up and my dad is still married to his wife and they have a 7 year old little boy... i love my little brother but i didnt talk to my dad for almost 4 years after i moved out of his house, he hurt me to much by not ever listening to me or being on my side when his wife would get in the way, she changed him into someone that even to this day i dont recognize as my dad that i had growing up. i do allow him in my life now because i want my son to know all of his family, and to love everyone in his family, but to be honest with you i dont even recognize him as my dad sometimes because he allowed himself to change so much for his new wife.

all in all, i just want you to see it from the childrens side... mom and dad getting a divorce is hard enough, then having mom or dad get remarried, everything changes.. i wish my parents would have taken my side more often instead of trying to please their partners, and then maybe i could allow myself to love my dads wife..

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Danni - posted on 03/29/2015

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I am on my second marriage at the age of 54. I was divorced for 17 years and then I finally met this wonderful man. We have been married for 1 1/2 years and it has been the most stressful time of my life. My 23 year old step son moved in with us after he got kicked out of college. Since that time he got 2 DUI's, did jail time and has been struggling to keep a full time job. My husband sold his home and moved into my house. I'm an executive and I work long hours as does my husband. My husband had a business trip and had to leave on Thursday. I'm home with my step son and he was out with friends on Saturday night. I sent him a text message asking him if he was coming home. If he tells me he's not coming home, I turn the house alarm on which has been a habit for 17 years of living alone. I also sleep with a gun beside me when I'm alone. I fell asleep on the sofa and at 1am I hear the house alarm go off. I wake up to see my step son in the kitchen and in the corner of my eye I see someone wearing a hood going up the stairs. I yelled, who is that! My step son replied, oh, that's my friend Brody (male). Now I never met this kid Brody however I know they work together. I am furious my step son brought a stranger (to me) in my house without asking or a heads up. One would think Brody would have stopped and introduced himself to me. My step son continues to have bad judgment and nearly got his friend shot. I told my husband that it's time for step son to get his own place. I think a little tough love is in order.

Emily - posted on 12/13/2012

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I NEED HELP REALLY BAD ...tHIS IS MY 3 MARRIAGE AND WE BOTH HAVE GROWN KID .bUT HIS OLDEST DAUGHTER HE TELLS HER EVERYTHING .SHE ALSO GOOD FRIEND WITH HIS EX AND THE DAUGHTER LOVES TELLING PEOPLE BUSINESS I TRY MY BEST TO LIKE HER BUT IT'S SO HARD SHE USES HIM FOR MONEYS AND CARS SHE HAS 2 KIDS AND DOESN'T WORK OR GO TO SCHOOL AND LIVES WITH HER BOYFRIEND .SHE NEEDS TO KNOW WHAT WE'RE DOING AND WHERE WE GO ALL THE TIME I FIND THAT AS WHO IS THE PARENT HERE .SHE ALWAYS TRYING TO FIND OUT STUFF ABOUT ME AND I DRIVES ME CRAZY . I'M AT A LOSS RIGHT NOW , WE AREN'T SPEAKING TO EACH OTHER HIS DAUGHTER CAN DO NO WRONG IN HIS EYES LIKE SHE WANT TO CONTROL OUR RELATIONSHIP . I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO MANY MORE .NONE OF HIS FAMILY LIKE HIS KIDS NOT EVEN HIS OWN MOTHER THE GRANDMOTHER NONE OF HIS FAMILY MAMBERS .WHAT DO I DO ???? PLEASE HELP ME !

Jill - posted on 01/21/2010

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I know from the step childs point of view its not easy. My step mom would do the same thing with her kids. I could do the same thing as them but i would be punished and they wouldnt . But heres what i think, and if you dont agree thats fine. As a married person myself with a baby i think the father, your husband, has been with these kids longer than he has with you, correct? he has a certain way of dealing with them and because HE is their father they dont want you to get in the way of what they want. (this is what it is like in most cases, it wasnt in mine, i had an evil stepmom. ) I think what you need to do is sit down and have a talk with your husband and tell him this is how i feel and this is what i wanto do, for instance...

"I am really concerned about this, we are married and we should be a team, i dont feel like we are participating together on this, I feel like you and the kids outnumber me. they think they can get away with stuff because we dont disipline them together. We are as one and we need to think as one."

It seems to me that maybe he and you have differences about raising? or how to deal with your children. I would say talk to him and maybe bring up couples therapy. they can help you on a professional level figure out how to communicate.

Also on a personal note....i have a feeling you should read this book its called " The five love languages" by gary chapman. it has helped me a lot and i really enjoyed reading it. hope this helps. good luck and ps. Love those kids... they need it.

Nava - posted on 01/20/2010

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Seems like your husband DOES NOT HAVE THE SKILLS (YET) to know how to balance his relationship with the kids and his relationship with you (this balancing act is usually done by naturally skilled women!). With him it's either /or. Quite typical with men, as they can only focus on one thing at a time ! He probably doesn't realize how much he isolates you. My theory is life is too short to go unhappy when it can be resolved (some people have illnesses that cannot be helped). Go get help and advice together. There is potential happiness waiting for you, your marriage and your family.

Be strong Nava.

Karen - posted on 01/19/2010

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Nava,
Thanks for your input and I suppose you have to be in shoes to see it all. I have lived with the kids being first the past 14 years. What they say to their dad goes, no matter what or how I feel about it and no matter if it's the truth or not. They make plans without me all the time except the past year because the 19 year old is not talking to the 24 year old. Yes their father is in the middle. I have become closer with the 19 year old and he tells me his feelings about his sister and that he sees her using him and he doesn't like it and tells him too. But I still get crap from him when he doesn't like what I ask of him. I feel that my husband should speak up when he agrees and not just when he doesn't. The child feels dad has his back and doesn't have mine so he asks and asks and asks. He also see the attention his sister gets and wants the same except we live with him and he can see and speak to his dad everyday but he doesn't or doesn't as much. I try to let it all go and pick my battles but when I am left alone lot either by being physically alone or my husband sleeping because he is tired during the week but when the weekend comes he does for them but for me he is too tired, then I am concerned.

Karen - posted on 01/18/2010

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That is true but he is 19 years old and we have been married for 14 years and my husband has never spoken to me about me or them in private. Whenever speak to the child/young adult my husband says nothing but gives me the look that can kill, like how dare I speak to his child like a mom or an adult in charge about something the child had done wrong or was doing wrong. He tells me that he is going off to college in the fall and wont be back so we need to treasure the time we have left with him and I said I agree but I cant not correct him or stop being his parent or walk on egg shells because he is moving away in 8-9 months, how is that helping the child to be more independent and less dependent on him or us? All I can say is my husband doesnt agree with me and we continue to have heavy discussions or should I say we dont talk sometimes for hours.

Karen - posted on 01/16/2010

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My husband was a widower when we met & the kids were 5 and 10. They did have their dad for 2 years before I came into the picture. The problem I believe started when they were not used to someone other than their dad to tell them what to do. They had no manners, table or regular along with a good hygiene so I was the one to teach. I did have a son who was 11 and was a widow also so it was tough for both families but I assume we thought we would be good for each others kids. Well they are now 19, 24 and 27. The 24 yr old girl moved out at 19, the 19 year old is still home and my sons is 27, married and has 2 kids. Big problem now is the 24 yr old will not come over so my husband goes to see her every Sunday for 4-5 hours, she has no license and when she doesn't want to take public transportation she calls him and he runs. The 19 yr old is a good kid but does nothing around here unless his dad asks, not when I ask. He works part-time and since we never asked the others for rent we don't ask him but he pays us if the electric is higher due to his electric heater. But he also asks for rides to places and or asks dad to p/u something and dad does, we only live 4 city blocks from his job but if dad is not working he asks him to take him and pick him up and even if dad is out somewhere else but local he will stop what he is doing and pick him up but if dad is at work he gets himself to and from work. I say they need to do more for themselves since they are now adults and want to be treated like adults. Today the 19yr old got made because he asked his dad to mail something for him and I asked my he couldn't go to the mailbox and he asked me why do I care and what is the big deal and walked away talking under his breathe so I why cant we talk instead of you walking away and he closed the door and went into the shower so now dad is made at me.

Viola - posted on 01/16/2010

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well i have a 9 y/o stepdaughter i have been in her life for the last 4 yrs. one of the biggest reason we get along is because i have let her know that i am not here to take the place of her mom, and that i will always be here for her if she wants to talk to me...and that its ok she don't have to call me mom, but if she wants to thats ok too.. at times my husband will side with her but most often we will sit down and work it out as a family

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