Who is responsible for dropping of and picking up our kids on the

Julie - posted on 07/04/2012 ( 8 moms have responded )

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hi there.
I've never typed on here before as i've just signe up. I hope this is the right spot. My ex and i (seperated not divorced) now live in seperate homes. I still have the family home which has been up for sale for a year with no luck. The kids are with me 10 days and with their dad for 4. He has no car as we agreed with my long commute that i would take it over. which i did. He moved closer to where the kids attend daycare which is also where i work. He can walk them to daycare on his days and pick them up. He gets them on a saturday until that wednesday. What i'm curious is who is responsible for making sure they get to their dad on the saturday. We have a court agreement through family justice that states it's the saturday with no time (which i am trying ot add for it to be more specific) and it does not stated who is responsible for making sure the kids get to their dad. Since november i have done it since i've had the car. In recent weeks, my ex's parents have "lent" him a car that they had supposedly given us, but because they didn't put it in our name, they took it back when we seperated. Anyways. ...the car has returned to his apartment where he says he is only allowed to use it for emergencies for the kids and to go visit his parents who live four hours away. I believe this is garbage...and don't believe he is not using it for visiting his girlfriend etc. I have requested that since he now has access to a vehicle (and it is being kept at his place) that he come and pick up the kids. He says he will not as he is not allowed to use the car for this. I think this is ridiculous that he has this car and supposedly his parents won't let him use it for picking up his kids. I have sent him an email stating that while he has access to a car i expect him to pick up. He did two weeks ago as he was going out of town to visit his parents. I have emailed him about this upcoming weekend if they are being picked up to go away or if not we will need to make alternate arrangements for them to get to his place. My question. Is it my job to drop the kids off to their dad? or can i offer that we meet part way at a skytrain or tell him he need to pick up? I think it's only fair that he does his share but i don't know what i can and can't do..would appreciate some help! Thanks so much!

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Rebecca - posted on 09/14/2013

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Its a control thing and it is worth making a fuss over. You need to sort out custody if you can and be detailed in every little thing you want. Check out http://samvak.tripod.com theres a lot to look at that will explain some of his behaviour. My ex does this they do it because they know it drives you nuts and cant make any plans they are narcissists who like you to think about them. I have told my ex he has to pick them up and drop them off. I just bought new car seats and gave him the old ones so we dont have to hang around at pick up and drop offs. I have told him I still expect him to drop them off. They are supposed to be coming home today...am am expecting he will ask me to pick them up. Its not going to happen. Im not sure how ill deal with it as yet but I do know when i give an inch he takes a mile.
I get under $50 a month for 2 kids (and thats him paying extra for the 2500 he owes).I think he can afford the petrol. Most of the time he drops them early ...which i dont mind as i miss them...but i refuse to wait anymore for him to turn up and i usually dont tell the kids hes coming unless i know its 100%.
I have been told to refuse visits as he wont go to mediation...to force him to take me to court. Im not ready to do that yet but it will be inevitable. Lawyers advise me that me taking him to court is a waste of money as if he wont turn up to court theyll only recommend mediation again. Its been 3 years i recommend if you can ..to anyone...set the boundaries you are comfortable with as soon as you can after the break up. difficult partners just seem to get worse over time.
get support wherever you can...document everything!!! i use a calender its easier...dont be controlled. be firm if you have family to help ask. its for the kids happy mums make better parents.

Julie - posted on 07/07/2012

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since this post more bad stuff has happened. I asked him to meet me at the skytrain and he outright refused. Said i was being purposely uncooperative and would not meet us there. he said it was short notice and not acceptible. he is on a very direct five minute bus route to the skytrain and the skytrain goes right to where i said i would be..Very convenient. He refused. I told him i would be there at 10am to give him his opportunity to have the kids and he said not to waste the kids time. I told him i would be there nayways..he said not to bother. I went at 10am..bought a ticket to prove i was there and waited twenty minutes and bought another one to prove i was there that long. I had told him i'd wait fifteen mins. Then we had a fun trip on skytrain cause kids wanted to go and then we came home. He sent me an email saying i'm being uncooperative, passive aggressive and i've hurt his feelings as he feels this was my intent...it was my intent to ask for fairness and cooperation in meeting halfway.
He called tonight to talk to kids and my daughter said we were going to the beach tomorrow....on speaker phone he says that's a long way maybe you should bring them here. I told him i wasn't discussing it off speaker and in another room and hung up. He called back saying he liked the arrangement of me dropping off and didn't see it should change . i told him i was not his driver...He then called me a horrible person, and that i was being a cunt. he also told me i was a horrible mother and even worse wife and then hung up.....i've called family justice and i am waiting guidance on what to do....would appreciate any thoughts!! I want the kids to see their dad...but not just on his terms and with what works best for him....its what is for the kids....and i don't think he was expecting me to stand my ground on this...would love input please! Thanks!!

Julie - posted on 07/07/2012

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Hi there.. Thanks for your responses!
Amy i could do fridays for sure. We did for a while until i put the kids into swimming and then i took them swimming and to his place. Since he changed the plan and now i know he has a car, refuses to pay for swimming and said after saying he would pay for half of their summer swimming lessons, stated that he would not and that they couldn't go cause he planned for them to be out of town. I wouldn't have a problem with saturdays but in the fall i want them back in swimming and saturday mornings is the only day i can do it..because we are further apart from each other doing it where he is would make my kids have 11 hour days on those days which isn't reasonable and he has stated he won't come out here and take them on his saturdays....so i'd rather keep the saturdays for swimming if i can..especially if he refuses to take them.

Amy - posted on 07/05/2012

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Just out of curiosity could his time start Friday night then you wouldn't have to drive back out there on your day off.

Sharlene - posted on 07/04/2012

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I don't buy the car crap lol, like you said in your post ask him to meet you half way.

Jodi - posted on 07/04/2012

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I do see your point, because I have a similar issue with my ex at the moment, and to be honest, I'm not the one who moved. The only thing is, mine is a 2 1/2 hour round trip AND he doesn't pay child support, I have very little time with my work, university, etc, so it's difficult, whereas he has all the time in the world because he is unemployed. So I do understand where you are coming from. However, if it is the difference between my son seeing his dad and not seeing him at all, I'd probably take the bullet because that's what I do. I'll be pissed about it, but in the end, I won't make it a major blow up.



I only asked because sometimes it's not worth the fight. Are you able to talk to his parents and ask about the use of the car? Maybe then you could do a 50/50 deal with him. And is it super important if the timing is exact? I get that you feel he is being irresponsible by being late, but personally, unless that is putting people out with appointments or work or important things, I wouldn't argue over that one.



Now, none of my advice is to make you feel like it is all your responsibility, it isn't, but I would just advise that we have to pick our battles. And 18 years is a LONG time (I've been going around this round about for 13 years), so it is important to consider which things are important enough to us to battle.

Julie - posted on 07/04/2012

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its about 35 minutes each way....i would take turns no problem every second time. I guess it's the principle of the thing cause he never seems to have to take responsibility for anything...just feels it should be done for him. Last time i dropped them off he was still in the shower and came out in a towel. The time before that he was in the shower and just came out too. He's never ready when he knows we are coming and i find it very frustrating. When he picked up two weeks ago he came half hour late then i discovered our daughters car seat was installed incorrectly..only noticed when i when to give her a hug goodbye. So he just watched me do it and didn't even ask why it was wrong or how to do properly....by the time they left it was about 1040 and he was supposed to be there for 9..which is what we agreed. I don't want to make a stink of it, but i also want him to be responsible for some things too as i feel somewhat taken advantage of.

Jodi - posted on 07/04/2012

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How far and how much of a trip are we talking here? Is it really something to make a massive fuss over?

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