Who Loves more - Bio or adopted or step, or step who adopted? WHY???

Donna - posted on 10/20/2012 ( 18 moms have responded )

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I've asked myself this question, researched this question and can't seem to find an answer. I ask because the consensus seems to be contrary to my views.



Here's the Q: Is there something about a biological mother that causes her to love a child more than, say, an adoptive mother, or a stepmother who has raised a child and then adopted that child (me), or a stepmother who plays a major role in a child's life? Do you think that biology creates a stronger bond? Why?

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Holly - posted on 10/23/2012

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oh wow, i don't think that I would say its safe to say that ANY of them couldn't love their child more than the other whether it is bio/step/adopted. It's not ok to say that. I know that My SO loves my children more than their father does... he abandoned them and never looked back. I know that some adoptive parents love their child so very much it's incredible... but i know i love my children so very much... but i honestly can't tell you that i love my children MORE than the lady i aforementioned who is the adoptive mother...

Denikka - posted on 10/23/2012

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I believe that every type of love, for each person, is different.

I don't believe you CAN quantify how MUCH you love someone. Who do you love more? your child or your spouse? your son or your daughter? your cat or your dog?



I love my spouse differently than I love my child. I love my son differently than I love my daughter. I can't say who I love more. It's like comparing apples to oranges.



I believe the same thing about bio/step/adopted parents. I think some people are less able to bond with a child who isn't biologically theirs. I think some people are unable to bond with children who ARE biologically theirs. In certain situations, a step parent can love a child much more than a bio parent.

Like in my situation. My bio mom is pretty much incapable of truly loving someone other than herself. My step mom however, although I've only even met her about half a dozen times, I KNOW she loves me much more than my mother ever could.

Each situation is different. I've heard of bio parents AND non bio parents doing horrific things to their children.



The science (as far as I'm aware) says that during the birthing process, certain chemicals are released that facilitate the bonding process. I don't think they create any kind of bond, although it's an experience that will only ever be shared between birth mom and baby. It just helps, in the moment, to jump start things, so to speak.

Anything after and beyond the moment of birth, is up to the individuals involved. Some people bond and love easier than others, on both sides of the parent/child spectrum. It really depends on the people, not on how their relationship came to be.

Don't forget that time also plays a factor in how bonded you get to a person. Biomoms and a lot of adopted parents tend to be there right from birth, while step parents tend to come along a bit later. So once again, different TYPE of bonding going on with a toddler, child, or teenager, than you would have with a newborn.

Marilu - posted on 10/23/2012

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Hello everyone,

Well for me, I believe that a bond if formed with the child by a parent who is there all the time and who is rasing the child. Bio or not, that bond is formed and it is just as special and as important. A parent is someone who shows the child that they are there and not going to leave them and is going to give them ALL the love that they need. A true parent is one is there for the good moments and the bad moments and that's all that I need to know. Bio/Step/Adopted parent is just a lable but a real parent is the one who is there "ALL THE TIME" and loves them and takes care of them and believes in there dreams and goals. For me love is more then words, its actions, its being there and holding there hand until they are ready to let it go, which sometimes never happes, lol.. I didn't hold my son when he born but I have been there ever since and he is my whole world and I knew our souls were connected from the first moment.. Pertecting him and loving him and doing what is best for him is only half of what I do for him as his mother. Children are a blessing and my son was a gift from God and I will always move heaven and earth to see him reach the stars and reach his goals

Ariana - posted on 10/20/2012

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I think that there is a bond that a mother has with her biological child that is different than a non-biological child. They've even shown that mothers who hold their children right after birth, compared to mothers who've had the baby separated from them (due to medical reasons) have different bonds; so I believe it can be based on chemical doings along with the fact that a biological mother sees herself in a child.



I think adopted parents can have just as special a bond as biological parents and can love the same. It may not be instantaneous like everyone assumes it should be. It is harder because you can't look at the baby and say 'he's got my eyes' etc. Which is the easiest way to identify with a baby right? Everyone comes up and says ohh what a cute baby, which of course looks like their parents.



For stepparents it's even harder and can definitely vary depending on the situation. Not in all cases but there are usually two biological parents in the picture and then along with that a step-parent. If the child is bonded with the biological parents (especially the one the same sex as the step-parent) the love is very different. The step-parent can certainly create a bond, and love the child, but I don't believe it is in the same way as an adopted or biological parent because there are to many competing forces. Some step-parents may not love the child the same way they do a biological child and some will, some children will never even like their step-parents depending on things. It really all depends on circumstance.



My main view is that who really cares? If someone is an adoptive parent or step-parent their love is not 'lesser than' a biological mothers. I do believe there are reasons a bio-moms tend to bond faster, and a bioparent will always be a part of who the child is, but an adoptive parent or step-parent can love and be loved by a child just the same. No ones role is diminshed, no one needs to 'love more' or be loved the most.



Every situation is different and every bond is created in a different way. As long as you love the child, and treat them with dignity and respect, it seems like a good situation.

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Raye - posted on 05/19/2016

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My step-son has told me I'm more like a mom to him than his real mom. If a bio-parent (mom or dad) is a shitty person, the bond with the step- or adopted parent that gives the child the love that their bio-parent doesn't can be the much stronger bond.

-EDIT-
My dad is an asshole, and I have come to terms with it. I will always love him to a degree because he's my dad, but I no longer feel compelled to have a relationship with him. My half-siblings that are also his kids, especially my half-sister, still crave his approval and involvement. And they continue to be disappointed. They had a step-dad that was also horrible, so maybe that fueled their needs for a father figure, while my mom never re-married and showed me her strength to not rely on someone else for happiness. I guess it's all about experiences.

Ev - posted on 05/18/2016

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Ruby, in your case and many others the bio mom's bond with the kids is very special and it is one not to be messed with. But I do not totally agree that just the bio mom can have a special bond with a child. Any woman who thinks of a child as her own but the child is not can have as close a bond as a bio mom can with a child. I agree the feelings are a bit different but it is the same sort of love--mother and child--each case in and of its own way. My kids and I had bonded long before they were born. And that bond grew over the years and even more so after their dad and I divorced. Custody was set and my time was limited with them but I made the most of it. I won't go into detail of the reasons why things were they way they ended up just to say that I did not want to keep fighting for custody. Years later, we are very close. So close it is a bond I could not have imagined having with anyone.

Ruby - posted on 05/18/2016

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I ran across this blog by accident.I will not be politaclly correct so im gonna tall you right now ...no bond can even be compared to the biological mothers and child. I was adopted myself and I love my Real mother and I always will .I love my adopted mother too and I always will but there is this bio mom and your blood running through her vains and if anyone dare speak ill of her I get upset. Its a different kind of love.
now I do realize there are some
horrible biological mothers out there
that would dont love anyone not e en
teir own flesh and blood child.
I don't know why these questions get asked? insecurities of a step/adopted mom I guess. Most mothers will not tolarte the thing a biolagical mother will. My brother was wild and in trouble a lot ...and I can tell you a lot and I can tell you who was there for him and who kicked him out of the house. we where adopted and we also got to see a real mother from time to time so we know our mom loved us a lot.

Julia - posted on 08/30/2013

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I see this post was related to a paper, what subject? Psychology, how did you do.

Julia - posted on 08/30/2013

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I know this is old, but...
There is some research out there that I've seen that showed that men had a more positive reaction and created stronger bonds with children who closer resembled them while women were more likely to respond positively to a child regardless of whether or not the child looked like them. I do think that in some adoptive situations, particularly when children are older when adopted, the family can face challenges that might negatively impact bonding. But I think with adoption as an infant the family usually wants that baby so much that an adoptive mom can certainly bond very closely and as closely as a bio mom. One major issue with bonding with step parents is they often come in at a later stage of a child's life. If you are familiar with some basic Psychological concepts family bonding is at the forefront at a very young age and as time passes peers and other relationships take on a bigger focus. So a step parent that comes in late in the game has missed those early years. That isn't to say that you can't love a step child deeply. After all you love your spouse (and hopefully some of your in laws😄) dearly and you likely met them as adults. But for a child there is bonding that happens in infancy that can't be replaced. Also a step parents relationship is predicated on the relationship with the parent. I know tons of people, myself included who the step parent and bio parent got divorced and the relationship with the step parent was terminated or at least greatly scaled back. Also there are other issues that effect the relationship such as animosity between bio and step parents that can certainly taint that relationship. So while I think based on both my own opinion and research and development theory I am familiar with I think that much can be over come in adoption that happens very early in life but older child adoption and step parents will never be quite the same thing. Of course there is always room for personality conflict in any two individuals and each family and relationship should be evaluated on its own terms. But as far as generalization there is some theory and research out there that would lead me to believe birth parents have the edge (particularly with fathers) followed by infant adoption, then later adoption and step parents come in last.

Ev - posted on 05/30/2013

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I believe that the attachment between a child and his or her mother is strong when there is a mutual connection and it does not have to be just from the Bio Mom. That attachment can form with anyone that is considered a major player in that child's life. A mom is someone who feels strongly about a child or children in her life and makes that connection from the first moment they meet. Its not something that just happens in the biology but also happens in the emotions as well. For example: I am a Bio Mom and my attachment to my kids was there from the moment I knew that I was expecting them. It was automatic so to speak. I loved that child from the moment I knew about them both. It has grown over the years and both now adult and near adult its still very strong. My daughter also grew attached to her brother when she found out he was coming. So strong in fact she became something of a second mom to him even. Its a strong bond to the point that I know them both so well that I can not explain it. And then again this example happens to me as well: I work with kids and it is a passion not just a job. These little ones that I work with become "mine" in a sense as well. My love goes that deep and knows no bounds. They have become like my own. I love them that much.

I do believe as well that there can be that one kind of connection between a bio mom and her children that can not be experienced by others. She carries this child or children for nine months and gives birth to them and feels a connection to them from the start. This type of bond can not be recreated but can be still experienced with step moms and adoptive moms. The only difference is the biological connection is not there.

I do not think a bio mom can love more than a non-bio mother. I think the bonds and connections made are unique to all in the picture. There are those bio moms that just do not connect to their children or other children at all. That is what I see.

Donna - posted on 10/23/2012

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Marilu, I say the same thing: My son is a gift from heaven!



I am writing a paper for a class (I've gone back to school) and claiming that an adopted mom, and sometimes a step, can love more than a bio mom. I thought i would have a stronger argument from bio moms, but it seems everyone agrees that the bond is dependent on the love the child gets. But if you can give me any insight or suggestions or experiences where women have claimed bio moms love more, please post. Thanks

Corinne - posted on 10/23/2012

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I am an adoptive mom. I don't have any bio children and I never will have any. I have a connection with my son that is beyond anything I can explain. I love him like I've never loved another person. Like someone above mentioned above, different from my spouse or anyone else. I believe that I love my son as much as I would if I had given birth to him. I know I'm not giving you the information you want, but I honestly believe that my bond with him is not any different than it would be had I given birth to him.



I believe that a person can have the same connection to their step children. Not every situation is the same and I'm not sure about how it is dealing with bio parents because I don't know my son's, but I'd love him the same either way.

Donna - posted on 10/22/2012

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Ariana,

I appreciate your response so much, and I guess that was what I was looking for; more reasons why a biological connection is stronger. You also raise a good point about step or adopted downplaying bio role. I admit it was easier for me to love because the bio mom had rejected the children. Had I had a loving mom in the picture, I don't know if I would have felt insecure and if that insecurity would have leaked into the relationship.



Another factor I believe is the makeup of the child. The fact that my son embraced me and my daughter- 16ish when we met - didn't, and the fact my daughter did and still does (now 26) all sorts of things to make my life and my marriage difficult, I believe that played/plays a major role in our relationships today. I am not at all close to my daughter - although I would save her life before mine and will be there in the event of a true hardship and help her when she is truly down. But she's a difficult young woman and, as we know, even bio moms can love their daughters and yet have a difficult time liking them. (But that feeling of love/not like doesn't really surface until they're adults.)



Can you think of any other ways that a bio mom has a stronger or more natural bond than a bio or step parent?

Ariana - posted on 10/21/2012

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I'm not saying love isn't love or that a adopted mother or stepmother or biological mother will not bond, or bond, with their child differently or the same. I brought the holding thing up because it was an actual study. The study didn't show that they didn't end up bonding, but that things progressed differently.



There will be some biological parents who have trouble bonding with their children right away due to various reasons. There are step-parents who never fully 'love' their step-children or bond with them. Then in your case there are step-parents/adoptive parents who bond very quickly.



I just mean that for someone to come on here and say 'of course a step-parent/adoptive parent loves the child and bonds just the same as a bioparent' (or any bioparent bonds the same for that matter) is a disservice to those who do NOT have those instantaneous feelings or do not bond immediately.



As I said before, I believe everyone will love or bond with every child in a different way. Biological bonds are usually easier, that doesn't mean an adoptive or step-parent doesn't bond with kids or that it can't be easy but there can be barriers between those scenarios (especially if it is an older child).



I don't think there is an easy answer, there are biological children who do not bond properly with their parents, and who bond very easily with adoptive/step-parents. Of course there are also children who bond with their biological parents (even some who aren't considered to be fit parents) very easily and not with their adoptive or step-parents. It isn't as easy as saying 'bio parents bond easier'. Every situation is different.



I believe every parent (bio/adoptive/step) is an important person in a childs life and each plays a different role. My issue is that some people who adopt or step-parent try to down-play the bioparents role because they feel upset that a child might have a bond with a bioparent, or a connection. I don't believe that a connection with a bioparent downgrades a connection with a adoptive or step-parent and that each person plays a different, yet important, role in a childs life.



I believe that being biologically linked to a child can play a major role in creating a strong bond, but isn't necessary or needed.

Donna - posted on 10/20/2012

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Bio moms, please join in and give me your reasoning why you may think the bio attachment may be a stronger bond. I want to fully tease out this question and understand - and i'm not sensitive, just really want your opinions.

Donna - posted on 10/20/2012

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Dove,



I was just saying the same thing. Love is love. I'm always surprised when bio moms have a certain blockage to believing you could love just as much without giving birth. I remember reading one time about astrological charts of adopted parents and bio parents and learning that the astrological charts of adopted parents overlapped with the child much more than the bio parent.

Dove - posted on 10/20/2012

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I don't have an answer to your question, but I wasn't able to hold any of my children right after birth and I guarantee you there is nothing in this world that could make me more bonded to them than I already am. I was bonded to them before I even knew they existed. Holding a child right after they are born might 'help' in the love/bonding process for sure, but it is not necessary and my bond to my children is no different than that of a woman who DID get to hold her baby immediately.

Donna - posted on 10/20/2012

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Ariana,



I see how holding the child right after birth creates a special bond. It's a moment in each person's life that occurs only once and it's shared like no other moment. I will have to research the degree and significance of the chemical aspect as far as loving deeper. I know the DNA is there.

As far as adopted moms, my opinion is - and I adopted my children once they were emancipated; I was stepmom first (with an absentee biomom) - I think in some ways the adopted mom offers a self-less kind of love; meaning reciprocation not expected. (For real now). I know when I started to raise my son (11 years old; now 21) always in the back of my mind was that I only have him for so much time; I can only do so much for him - and for me - that was love and nurturing, making him feel so secure that he could grow and be the boy he was. When my son turned 17 and the consent of the (absent) bio mother was no longer a factor, he wanted me to adopt him. He felt it was the right time for him because "I want to make sure no one will ever doubt it was my decision." So I'm blessed there. My daughter, on the other hand, was older (16) when we met, and is still a work in progress and at times I just want to throw in the towel. My children are both successful today, I'm happy to say.



As far as the instantaneous for adopted parents, I can tell you this. I met my son as I was geting out of a car. (I was meeting him for the first time that day) He was sitting on the porch as I was getting out of the car. He was squinting because the sun caught one eye and he put his hand up in a salute position so he could get a better look as I was walking up to him, and I remember how our eyes met, and I remember looking into his precious eyes, feeling something special, something significant happening in that very moment - as though the heavens had opened and my heart was being filled with love just pouring and pouring into me. Something registered in my soul. I was meeting my then boyfriend's children and I didn't know then that his son would some day be my son, but that's what happened. So I was first a girlfriend, then six months later a stepmom, and now, years later, i'm a mom. A circuitous mommy path, I know - but there are all kinds. And I never had any bio children.



Thanks again for you input.

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