Why do couples think they have to limit the number of children they have even before they have one?

Letitia - posted on 01/02/2010 ( 27 moms have responded )

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I speak from experience when I say that you should not limit the amount of children you have even before you have one. Why do people do this? I think most couples do this because it is what our society expects. I am not saying that each couple must try to populate the planet alone but there are many advantages to having large families. We must educate ourselves in the teaching of families. A family is the greatest gift given to a couple and to limit it before it begins is a great loss to parents and the child or children.

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Johnny - posted on 01/03/2010

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The original post is insane! Must be a troll. So in that spirit...

**Warning** I'm going to say something controversial and probably offensive to some:

People should not have more than 2 kids per family. One each, replacement numbers for mom and dad. Only 1 kid per family is just fine. Any more than that is polluting the earth. I'm not talking about whether or not people have enough money to pay for all these kids, or if they have enough love to go around. Most people I know with large families actually have very well disciplined, happy, and productive children, so I don't see it as a problem from a family dynamics perspective. I am simply looking at this from an environmental point of view. Our planet is at the point of over population and every child we add to the numbers is a burden on the planet's ability to provide for the human species. Most of our environmental problems, especially those that lead to drought, famine and wars could have been prevented if people did not have so many darn kids competing for the precious resources. Children are a gift to their parents, yes, but they are a burden to the planet and society. It doesn't matter what part of the planet you live on, each extra human is a greater burden for our ecosystem to bare, but no one bothers to think about the real future of these children when they are popping out all these "blessed" kids.

Mary - posted on 01/03/2010

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I don't think that most couples make this choice based on societal expectations, but rather on a myriad of factors. Finances are probably the biggest influence on this decision...responsible parents don't want to bring another child into their family if they are struggling to support the family they already have. Some couples also just know that they do not have the mental/emotional/physical reserves to raise more than 2 or 3 kids...and I do think it's wise to recognize your limits.

Yes, it used to the norm for families to have 6,7 or 8 kids....but that was before reliable birth control was readily available. Women didn't have all those kids because they WANTED to...it was because they didn't really have a good way to prevent it. The biggest reason that large families are a rarity these days is that women are a bit more empowered by advances in education, career choices, and an expectation of equality within their marriage. The truth is, while you may have desired and now revel in having a large family, it is not a desire or goal of many of your peers. Not implying either way is better, just that, if given the CHOICE, the majority of women do not want their only role in life to be that of wife and mother to 8 kids, and advances in birth control and societal expectations have made it possible for them to do whatever it is they feel called to do, be it in the professional arena or as a homemaker.

Christy - posted on 01/02/2010

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i think it's a good idea for couples to talk about how many kids they want to have. i personally only want one and it would not work between my partner and i if he wanted 3 or 4. i really don't think that society expects that at all, it's just a personal preference. i also think it's a good idea to have a limit when you are not in the best financial situation. i have a hard time making ends meet with 1 child and if i had wanted a large family i would be setting myself up for something i couldn't handle. to each their own, i say, but there's nothing wrong with having a limit in mind and BC methods to make sure you stay where you want to be.

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 02/28/2012

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Letitia, it's called PLANNING. Not limiting. Don't judge the rest of us because you want to continue to have baby after baby.



Only, hon, you need to figure one thing out. Which DO you want? You've stated firm opinions on both sides, and only tried to incite argument.



I agree, you do seem somewhat trollish.

Melanie - posted on 02/28/2012

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I agree with those who said it's a thing that must be spoken and decided together, whether you wish to settle a stric number first or take them as they come along.



When I started dating my husband, I didn't knew exacly the number I wanted, but I guessed roughly it was at least 2 and probably not more then 6. He aggreed on that, but we decided to start with one and see how it would go. So each time we had a kid, we waited until he was one (giving us time to adapt) and then we asked each other if we wanted an other one. Finances have been up and down, emotions too, in the last seven years since our first girl. At some point, I didn't knew if I would know when it would be the good time to stop. I was kind of afraid we would go one kid to far!



But then, I became pregnant with my forth last year, and as the months went by, I felt more and more this would be the last one. And now, with my 4 months old in my arms, I am so happy with the family I have! We have reached our own limit and are satisfied as a couple. I think that's the most important thing to keep in mind.

Krista - posted on 01/04/2010

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Do you even know what point you're trying to make? You say that people should not limit the amount of children they have before they have them. That was interpreted by pretty much everybody here to mean that you do not approve of people who decide ahead of time that they will only have a small family. Plus, you talk about there being so many advantages to having large families, and that it is a "great loss" to parents to plan a limit to the number of kids they'll have.

WE are arguing that it is SMART and RESPONSIBLE to look at your living situation and to talk to your spouse ahead of time, to figure out how many children you want, so that you don't wind up with misunderstandings. We are also arguing that it is irresponsible in the extreme to blithely decide to have a large family without planning out the practicalities first.

I'm just confused, because you don't think people should limit the number of kids they have before they start procreating, but then you turn around and say, "I'm not saying that people should pop out baby after baby with no plan." Um...yes. Yes you are. You may want to work on your communication skills, as your postings are very contradictory, and I'm not even sure that YOU know what you mean to say.

Sharon - posted on 01/04/2010

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What experience are you speaking from? I see ONE child in your avatar picture.



You've posted 5 times, started ONE post, and it was this one. troll troll troll.



What are you going to educate us on? The teaching of families? teach what? teach who? Why don't you travel to the slums, ghettos, barrios and trailer parks and preach this?



"A family is the greatest gift given to a couple and to limit it before it begins is a great loss to parents & the child or children."



uh huh, and um loss of home due to overwhelming medical bills? loss of a parent? Money is a horrible thing but face it - one has to have it to make it in this world. What does a child lose when he has never had something? There are aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins.... all are a part of a family. So just what are you preaching here?



You've contradicted yourself already and I'm curious to read your explanation.

Renee - posted on 01/04/2010

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Letitia - you can't say okay plan your family (which is what we did those of us who looked at our income, earnings, expenses, future savings potential) and made a decision on the number of children and then you insist that you have experience that allows you to talk about this and say but no don't pop out kid after kid without a plan. That doesn't make any sense. You're basically saying that those of us who did look at our situation objectively and decide on limiting our families you seem to have assumed that we're all able to actually afford more children when we've decided we can't because we don't want to live in poverty? Can you imagine how I felt when my husband and his six figure income walked out the door 3 years ago and left me and my two kids to sell our home and I am still under employed, meaning on the verge of government assistance. Give me a break.

Carolee - posted on 01/04/2010

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Quoting Letitia:

You are correct. Only a moron. I never said anything about popping out child after child with no plan. I never said anything about how many children anyone should have and I did not judge anyone for their comments. I see that it has sparked anger and bitterness. It was merely a comment to spark conversation.



Okay, then... how does one come up with a plan of how many kids to have without limiting themselves to a certain number of kids?

Kate CP - posted on 01/04/2010

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Quoting Letitia:

You are correct. Only a moron. I never said anything about popping out child after child with no plan. I never said anything about how many children anyone should have and I did not judge anyone for their comments. I see that it has sparked anger and bitterness. It was merely a comment to spark conversation.


You have to understand, Letitia, that this forum has seen TONS of threads regarding how many children one should have. There are two sides to this argument: One side says that you should have as many kids as you want no matter what. The other side says you should have as many kids as you can support without government support. This is a VERY touchy subject.

Kate CP - posted on 01/04/2010

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Quoting Letitia:

To those of you who say that kids are causing pollution, famine, etc., as I said, educate yourself. Governments are starving their people. We are capable of producing more food nowadays in less space. Where is you informaion coming from. Show your proof!


So...we should have more children and put more strain on the food supply because other countries don't have enough food and are starving their people? They starve their people because they don't have the money or resources to PROVIDE for their people. If we were truly capable of producing more food in less space, do you think people in 3rd world countries would be starving? There aren't enough vaccines to immunize the world against small pox and polio, diseases that have been eliminated from our society, because there are TOO MANY people on this Earth. The world IS populated already. It's not like it's our civic duty to have more children. In this day and age its just a choice. I honestly don't care how many children a family has as that's their own business. But people who are living on 15K a year with two children already SHOULD NOT be having more kids. That's just crazy! I think it's responsible and appropriate for people to discuss and determine how many children they want BEFORE they begin to procreate. It's important to be on the same terms as your partner. If my husband wanted 8 kids and I only want 1 we would have a serious problem. So, basically, if you have the financial and emotional means and WANT to have a large family, then go for it.  My personal rule is don't let them out-number you. :)



 

Letitia - posted on 01/04/2010

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You are correct. Only a moron. I never said anything about popping out child after child with no plan. I never said anything about how many children anyone should have and I did not judge anyone for their comments. I see that it has sparked anger and bitterness. It was merely a comment to spark conversation.

Sharon - posted on 01/04/2010

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This wasn't bold.



This was the biggest joke I have seen on this site yet, and most of us had a good time poking fun at it. Only a moron would think popping out child after child with no way to support them is a good idea.

Letitia - posted on 01/04/2010

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I have touched so many raw nreves. I appologize to those of you who think I am being judgemental. That was not my intention. I am not a rude person but I am bold enough to start a controversial conversation.

Letitia - posted on 01/04/2010

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To those of you who say that kids are causing pollution, famine, etc., as I said, educate yourself. Governments are starving their people. We are capable of producing more food nowadays in less space. Where is you informaion coming from. Show your proof!

Letitia - posted on 01/04/2010

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Of course I would want to bring up a controversial subject. Who would want to respond to anything else. I do not believe that people should just keep popping out babies, that would be irresponsible. I also do not believe you should be having them out of wedlock but that is another conversation. I find the responses interesting. It sounds as if you have to be uneducated if you want a large family and you would have to be weathly if you would like to have a large family. Mostly, it seems as if having more than 2 or 3 seems to be an inconvenience.

Krista - posted on 01/03/2010

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Quoting Letitia:

Why do couples think they have to limit the number of children they have even before they have one?

I speak from experience when I say that you should not limit the amount of children you have even before you have one. Why do people do this? I think most couples do this because it is what our society expects. I am not saying that each couple must try to populate the planet alone but there are many advantages to having large families. We must educate ourselves in the teaching of families. A family is the greatest gift given to a couple and to limit it before it begins is a great loss to parents and the child or children.


Well, thank goodness for that. 'Cause my husband would need one hell of a nap afterwards. 



All I can hope is that you're not rude enough to display that attitude in person -- most adults do not like having their judgment questioned, and you're basically saying that anybody who actually PLANS the size of their family (or heaven forbid, decides to not have kids at all) is wrong-headed and foolish. 

[deleted account]

I think I'll pop 1 out each year for the next 9 years, quit my job, and apply for government assistance. That way I don't limit my uterus!



LMAO! I also needed a good laugh! We limited our family to 1 child and this works for us! Why the hell do YOU care how many kids WE have? Go raise your own litter and leave mine alone :-)

Renee - posted on 01/03/2010

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I'm glad I can entertain you Krista. Seriously, I needed a laugh this morning to and this thread did it for me.

Krista - posted on 01/03/2010

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"Poverty wasn't interesting to us." ROFLMAO -- I am definitely borrowing that one! Awesome.

Renee - posted on 01/03/2010

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I can only speak for myself but my ex-husband and I knew that we would probably only have 1 or 2 because of several factors, one is money, we knew our income potential and we knew that we wanted me to stay home at least until they were both in school, then when my son was diagnosed with autism we knew we wouldn't have anymore children. Also we knew what kind of lifestyle we wanted and poverty wasn't interesting to us. And we wanted to be able to save for retirement too plus help with our kids college. I think alot of parents take a good hard look at their earning potential, the cost of living and make a sound decision to give their love, attention, energy and life to a certain number of children. We're not all interested in competing with the Duggars, as much as I admire them for their love of their children but that is not for many people. So in the end we had two and I'm perfectly happy with it and now that I'm a single divorced mother going back into the workforce I'm so glad I don't have more, there is no way I could do it. I love my children more than anything but I think it is short sighted to think that people limiting their procreation to just a couple or even one child is a bad thing.

Carolee - posted on 01/03/2010

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Because everybody knows that number can and probably will change multiple times. It has the possibility of changing with every child you have. Originally, I wanted 2 kids. Then, I had my son, and wanted no more. After a while I met a partner worth having, and now we're expecting #2, and tentatively want one more. Life is change, but you have to have a rough idea of what you want to happen.

Sharon - posted on 01/03/2010

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LOL that is insane reasoning.



Your idea is that people should just keep popping out kids no matter what their situation or tolerance level is?



This is a troll. A single post to her name and she picked one of the most controversial subjects to bring up. sure.

Holly - posted on 01/03/2010

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I dont't think anyone needs to limit the # of kids you have but I do think you MUST talk about it beforehand and come to some sort of consensus. You're agreement may be will have as many as we can (ie duggers) and that's ok as long as BOTH of you are on the same page. If couples don't talk about this and 1 wants a big family and the other a small and they don't talk about it, it can be a deal breaker later on in their marriage.

I know for my husband and I he wanted 6 and I wanted 4. We agreed on 4 and then said we talk about it again when that time came. We have 4 kids and won't be having anymore because I had some physical complications from pregnancy and neither he or I think my body can have any more without causing serious damage. He doesn't want to be single dad.

I think whatever you decide is great, but make sure you decide together BEFORE you start so that it doesn't become and big issue in your relationship!

Krista - posted on 01/03/2010

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It's only sensible to have a rough idea ahead of time as to what size family you want. And I don't think it really has much to do with society. Like someone belowthread said -- if you want one, and your husband wants 12, then that's something you've got to discuss and figure out before you start. And even just basic things, like when you build or buy a house; you kind of need to know how big your family is likely to be before you start looking at homes. And lastly, like everybody else here said, you need to look at finances. I'm sorry, but I'm not going to have more kids than I can afford just because some people think that large families are a great gift.

If you want a large family, then go forth and procreate, kiddo. But many of us find that there are more advantages to having a smaller family, so you can save your pity for people who actually warrant it.

Kristahiri - posted on 01/02/2010

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i think right now couples do it because of the economic situation. You also want to be in the same page with your partner with children. Is a very important topic that should be dicussed. There some people who might not want or cant afford to have a big family, and really want to experience parenthood. I dont think its a bad idea to limit the number of children specially if you have a hard time during pregnancy and labor.

Ashley - posted on 01/02/2010

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why is it such a bad thing??? many people decide how many kids they want because thats how they want to live their life. for as long as i can remember i always said i only ever wanted 2 kids. well i'm at 2 and i'm happy this way. we may have another child in the future but we may not. as of right now no we arent having anymore. before my sis had kids she said she wanted 4. well she's at 3 and they are having one more and thats where they are stopping. it's fine for you that you dont want to limit the children you want but others do and i'm one of them. i think it's a good thing to know how many children you want. there are advantages and disadvantages of large families. some ppl just dont have the money for large families. some women have harder pregnancies/deliveries. i happen to be one of them. i never said i wanted just 2 kids because it's what society expects...it's what i want and thats why many others do it too because it's what they want and they are happy with one or two children. i dont want any more than 3 at the very most.

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