Why do the moms always get the blame when they are the one doing the right thing???

Kaitlin - posted on 10/24/2013 ( 6 moms have responded )

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My daughter's father has always been in her life. She is almost six years old. He normally pawned her off to his parents but she always saw him. She would either go to his house or his parents house three days a week. Several months ago her father and I got into a fight. After this fight he decided he didn't want to see our daughter anymore. My daughter has continued to ask me why she cant see her dad or his parents and I have been telling her that they have been working a lot and they love and miss her so much.

Well.. this morning my daughter told me that she knew that was a lie and I didn't trust his family and would let her go see them. She started crying and got very mad at me. I have no idea what to say to her. I don't want her to know he doesn't want to see her right now because she would be absolutely crushed but I don't want to take the blame for this either. It broke my heart. What should I tell her?

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Queen Of My - posted on 10/24/2013

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That breaks my heart. I am so sorry for your girl.
Is calling his parents behind his back something you could do? Maybe if no one has to know, they can still see eachother. Possibly after seeing her again something will be triggered inside of them that will make them fight for the right thing!
Also, if possible, do it through e-mail so you have it in writing in case this douche bag changes his mind years down the road and tries to take you to court.

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Kaitlin - posted on 10/24/2013

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I have called his sister behind his back to relay a message to his parents who do not speak good English. They have always been a huge part of my daughters life and basically raised her three days a week. I also messaged his sister and told her what was going on and let her know they were more then welcome to see her but that her dad would not be happy if he found out just to warn her. She acted she would do anything in the world to see my daughter at first but then slowly stopped responding to my messages and phone calls.

Kaitlin - posted on 10/24/2013

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My poor baby is the one suffering here and I just know she would be CRUSHED if she knew the truth. Her dad also has a new baby that he lives with and his a constant in that childs life. So my daughter is left in the dust...

Kaitlin - posted on 10/24/2013

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I have let his family know they are more then welcome to see her anytime that they want since they have been a huge part of her life until now. However her dad has told them not to see her and not to answer my calls or respond to me and they will not stand up to him. Which also makes me upset.. My parents and I would do ANYTHING to see her and they wont even argue with him.... I am trying my best. I really do not want to be the reason my daughter grows up without a father but it comes to a point where I cannot be the one trying to keep him in her life. He needs to try now and he is not.

Chantel - posted on 10/24/2013

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I hope all goes well! If the grandparents still want to visit, queens advice seems good :) my mom held a grudge against my dads family, he didn't want to see me, but the rest of the family did. My dad finally put his big boy pants on when I was 9, but I missed out on so much with that family. I still feel like a black sheep. I sincerely hope they will still visit you girl, even if her dad won't! Best of luck.

Queen Of My - posted on 10/24/2013

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That is really difficult and first of all I want to compliment you on not trashing him to her and protecting her soul. There was a similar post recently from a mother asking how to tell her child that his father doesn't love him. Everyone freaked out and told her NEVER tell your child that because it will destroy them. Protect your child no matter how angry or hurt you are. It sounds like you have done that.
Unfortunately, you cant hide the truth forever. I would sit her down and in the most honest but delicate way possible, tell her what you can. Keep it appropriate for her age and don't tell her more than you have too.
Explain that you and her dad got into a fight and he is angry at you and that not all adults no how to fight fair. Tell her you want her to be able to see her dad and that every child has a right to love both we parents. Tell her it was never your intention for her to not see them, but you dont really know how to make things okay. Make sure she knows you love her more than anything and never want to see her sad and openly admit that you don't know what the right thing to do is. Invite her to call him or his parents and be ready for them to either welcome her back with open arms or completely disregard her. I am sure they will welcome her back. It is highly possible that they will trash talk you and try and mess with her head - which is completely not okay - but you have the upper hand being able to talk to her before and after.
Perhaps going to meet the grandparents in public with you there is the best way to start over again.
As hard as it is for you, I firmly believe it's best for your daughter if she has the continued opportunity to see them. If they want to stop having a relationship with her, it's best she finds out from them.
I feel bad for your baby, no child should feel that kind of pain. I feel bs for you too. - mothers usually do take the blame - but that is because we are designed to shelter and protect our children. ~hugs

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