Why does custody have to be a battle?

Ev - posted on 11/16/2015 ( 9 moms have responded )




I think its high time someone asked this question. I have read plenty of posts here as I am sure a lot of you others have about the mom wanting to cut dad out of a child's life for all sorts or reasons petty or not, think it is unfair that dad asks for joint custody, thinks its not right that dad has custody. and anything in between. I have never seen many come on here and say they let dad have custody for the sake of the kids because her situation was not one that could handle finances in regards to raising kids or for other important reasons that were really the best benefit of the kids. I divorced in 2002. My ex husband lost temporary custody for a few months and had to pay child support. He did not like it. So at the end of summer 2002, I agreed to let him be primary care resident for the kids in joint custody. I did not want to do it because the kids had been my world and I was the one that had done it all for them. But my lawyer pointed out that I had no funds or resources to fight him every turn around for custody of the kids and my grandmother had told me that they would be the ones to suffer the most. Grandma was of course right though she had been married to my grandfather for 53 years when he had passed on. So for the reason of their stable minds and peace in place for their sakes, I let them go. Was it easy? Hell no!!! It was the hardest thing I had ever done in my life. I was at my lowest point and at one time did not want to get out of bed or do anything but I could not give up because they depended on me. Now, you will think it nuts but for the next 12 years they would live with dad and see me on weekends, holidays and school vacations and other times as we agreed on them. It was not that I did not want to go and get custody, I had no funds for it. And he would have fought it. I just learned to make do with what I did have and worked on that. I cultivated a stronger bond with my kids. I made myself available to listen to them no matter if it was an issue at school, something great that happened, or the troubles with dad and step moms. I made myself learn to get up everyday to make it to the next time we were together. I did it for them for five years before I finally was past the hurt and pain. Nothing hurts a mom more than having to give up the one thing she loves the most....her kids. But it can be endured and conquered.

Now my question: Why does custody have to be a battle?


View replies by

Michelle - posted on 11/18/2015




Sahara: Both parents have the same rights, you both created a child together.
In response to you not knowing who the Father is, no one knows the exact date you conceived so if you have had sex with 2 different men in the space of a couple of weeks then either one could be the Father. Get a DNA test done once the baby is born.

Dove - posted on 11/17/2015




I would have gone for joint custody if it were possible, but it's not. To give up custody would have meant losing my kids completely (no weekends, no holidays, no nothing... as I would never be able to afford the $800 in airfare for each visit) and that would not have been in THEIR best interest. We went through court though and there wasn't much battle. We both asked for full custody... and it was granted to me as my ex had abandoned our kids.

I think we all try to do what is best for our kids... some people just have different ideas of what that is and some people are very misguided. 'I' didn't cut my ex out of their lives... he's doing that all on his own.

Saraha - posted on 11/17/2015




In a big situation six months pregnant and don't know who the father is this one guy thinks he is but I don't think so I conceived on the 25 of may and need help

Michelle - posted on 11/17/2015




I agree that it doesn't have to be a battle.
When I left my ex husband I had to leave my kids. I had no money (he made sure of that) and the only place I had to go was my Grandmother's. If I had taken a 3yo and 1yo there it would have been too stressful for her.
I finally got my own place and had to get a personal loan to start fresh again. My ex agreed to shared care and we have been doing it 50/50 for over 10 years now.
I am now having other problems when the boys are with him though. He's an alcoholic and he hit my 14yo on the weekend so I am trying to do the best for my children as well as get through to him that he needs help. I don't want to go to court as we have managed to stay out of the court system. Hopefully this is the wake up that he needs to get himself sorted out though.
I have never kept the children from him as he is their Father and they have a right to a relationship with him. I have always told the boys that we both love them and that we just couldn't live together. They have never been told the reasons I left and I don't know if I will ever tell them. It's not something children should find out about their Father.

MaryAnn - posted on 11/17/2015




I also didnt see this post because of all the voodoo, but I am responding in the car on the way back from the lawyer's office. I've been studying local family law for years, explaining to my husband his and his ex's rights and responsibilities, and the rights of my step daughter. The lawyer reiterated these, along with casting doubt on his honesty, and reassuring us that we cant afford this, neither can she, and especially not while serving the little girl's best interests. What has not happened is a frank discussion and open dialogue with his ex about the future of their shared child. Not once.
I think... What happens is that lawyers encourage mud slinging. I think it's easier to pay someone an obscene amount of money than it is to just let those feelings go and acknowledge that there are as many healthy ways to raise a child as there are parents. It becomes a cycle, with a powerful group profiting, and it becomes a part of our culture.

Jodi - posted on 11/17/2015




I guess I'm not responding because I don't understand it either. I had an ex who just continued to take me to court over every tiny little thing and even refusing to sign forms to enrol in high school, and then just not turn up to court. It was ridiculous. In the end, even the judge got sick of his bullshit and granted me full custody because of it, even though I never once went to court asking for that. The judge just handed it over unexpectedly because of my ex's antics. The only person getting hurt in all this is the child.....the battles and nitpicking need to stay out of it.

Also, I will admit, I never saw the post previously because of the 20 million voodoo spell posts and all the times I give up reading here because of them when I get to about page 12.

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