Why does my daughter blame me for her lousy father?

Anonymous - posted on 06/16/2012 ( 3 moms have responded )

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I was a single, teen mom growing up. My first was at 16, and my second at 19. Both fathers were drug addicts and were not active in my daughters' lives. At 24, I found my (now) husband and he quickly became a wonderful father figure for the girls. Since then, we have moved states and my daughters' no longer see their fathers. Recently, we have been having financial disagreements with them, and when it is brought up that I raised them both by myself with next to nothing, they think I am blaming them for it, and they say that it was "my decision" to raise them both single-handedly. They say my "candidates" for fathers was a poor choice, and they blame me for them not knowing their fathers. Is this really my fault?

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Amy - posted on 06/16/2012

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I'd probably stop reminding them how you've brought them up yourself with next to nothing, it could be making them feel like you don't want them and bringing it up isn't accomplishing much but causing them to put up their defenses.

Carol - posted on 06/16/2012

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My first was when I was 17 in East Bay in the suburbs, the right thing to do was get married or you secretly went to your "Aunt's "to go to some really accredited great school. That was in 1967, I was also invited to leave my. High School, ,abortions were illegal. My husband(16) lucky and was able to become an apprentice in a Union. We moved to Berkeley. He was working full time and was exhausted, but that didn't stop him from going out the boys.boys and and trying to compete with them in the "Summer of Love. Meanwhile I was doing my job, taking care of the baby, I wa so blown away that I had a "Real"" babydoll. ,I. Couldn' put away cause I was tired of playing. I had a girl at 19 He was always going out to sell marijuana, go to a party, trying always to take me with him, leave the kids at his parents being abusive and being a hippie mak forcing me to stop wearing make-up, not wear a bra stop shaving my legs and not fix up my hair with rollers etc. By luck after 4 1/2 yrs later. WHEN I Saw your question I thought of his next wife, she was always harping at me how. Couldn't make the kids, her mother truer to tell her how rotten he was she loved him so much. I don't think he was anything great, probably never payed child support so her mom was always ragging on him. Well when my kids asked where's. Daddy question, I just said he was really busy and how much he loved them, I didn't want them to feel bad about their father who also never paid child support. I was pretty sure they would figure out who he was. Its pretty sad, he never let them never did he express how he felt or appoligise before he died of addiction problems. So think back of how you expressed yourself when talking about him. Did you always refer to the fathers as no good, sick of his crap, or did either one of them hear you say nice things back when you were all together? I think you could figure out if your responsible or not. Why should that matter? TE THE it is and get them in touch with them and to have them reunite and retaliate to their Fathers personally and express how they wondered about and.if they wanted to be closer or did he even try. They should be trying to find the answers to themselves. Stop pointing fingers and get on with their lives. If you've had a good relationship before just show them you care, whatever you all can do to make everyone happier! Therapy?

Jodi - posted on 06/16/2012

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Why are you involving your daughters in financial disagreements? And you DO state that you moved states and as a result the girls can no longer see their fathers, so I can see how they might blame you. I don't know the full story, so I can't say whether it is your fault, but probably not if the fathers have also not made any effort to see them or contact them.

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