Why is my 18 year old daughter so hateful???

Rosa - posted on 03/16/2016 ( 4 moms have responded )

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New to this site so please bare with me.
Her father (who was very abusive mentally and physically) and I divorced in 2000. He was involved with her for a while then just kind of disappeared for a few years. He showed back up for about a year and took off again for 10 years. Shortly after her 18th birthday he got back in touch with her. That is just a run down on the past 18 years.
Well, her and I were best friends up until high school. She has become a rude, self centered, "it's all about me" kind of kid. I gave her everything and then some trying to compensate for her dad not being around. I remarried in 2005 to a guy who was "dad" to her. She treats him like a king and me like someone who is nothing more than a nuisance. She talks to me when it is convenient to her and/or when she wants something. Basically doing what her dad did. I've done everything the complete opposite of what my parents did (which was everything wrong). Good grief....I just don't know what to do!!! I don't want to go home, when I do I go to my room and shut the door.

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Raye - posted on 03/17/2016

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Rosa, in a way, it makes perfect sense that she's getting the attitude with you in particular. You have been there for her. You have shown her your love. Now, she feels comfortable enough with you to vent her frustrations... maybe in an unhealthy manner, but she's being more real with you. She still needs guidance and for you to have boundaries on what you will accept from her behavior. So, don't back down. She does need to learn how to cope with the stresses of life if she wants to be a successful, happy adult. But do understand that it's normal, and don't take it personally.

Rosa - posted on 03/17/2016

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Thank you so much for the advice ladies. I just can't seem to understand that the one person who has always been there for her, done everything for her and helped her through everything is the one being treated the worst. In my opinion she should treat her dad like this, not me. Hopefully she will grow out of it and like me again when she is in her mid 20's.

Raye - posted on 03/17/2016

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Well, she's 18 and legally an adult. You may need to start looking at her with fresh eyes. She's no longer a kid. While she lives at home, she should still have rules and treat people respectfully. But maybe some of those rules need to change a bit to accommodate her as an adult. Make a written agreement that are the terms for her to continue living at home. Have her sign it and stress to her that these rules must be followed or she WILL have to find a new place to live (and be ready to follow through on that). Her being an adult means adult consequences. Don't compensate for the past. That's over. It's time for her to start doing for herself. Don't stand for the disrespect, but do try to show her more respect for this new phase of her life.

Sarah - posted on 03/16/2016

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That sounds perfectly normal to me. Teens pull away from their parents as they negotiate their way to adulthood. As parents, out job is not to be their best buddy but to guide them, reign them in when they need it and help them pick themselves up when they screw up.

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