Why won't he ask me to marry him!?!?!?

Amber - posted on 02/26/2010 ( 30 moms have responded )

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We have been together for 5 years, we have a 2 year old and one on the way, we have our little family in our nice little apartment.. its just like we are married but we arent!! why wont he ask me!? he says "im just lazy" and "because it would be the same as it is now". he doesnt understand it matters ALOT to me and EVERYONE around me! people look down on me because I have a kid and im not married!! its rediculas. i don't understand why he doesn't want to. He obviously doesn't have commitment issues because he lives with me and he wanted another baby and everything! uuugh. I'm sick of waiting.

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Tah - posted on 03/04/2010

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because the milk is free honey, why buy the cow...then when he has milked you he can go find another cow and he will prob marry her because she won't accept anything less...now i am answering this without reading any other post so i may read them after and post again. but i speak form experience. here we go



I was with my daughters father for almost 7 years he cancelled 5 weddings and let me tell you i never once pressured him to marry me because if i have to do that then your not who i want because you obviously don't want me. When it got close he would always say, hey i'm not ready for various reasons, all stupid, ut ok, whatever guy. So the last time he canceled the wedding(he was waiting on a trasfer back to our home state so he could avoid a pay cut with his company and we could afford the wedding which was a few months away, the transfer was 2 weeks away), I simply told him ,look, when you get on the plane back take as much of your stuff with you as you can because i am not looking like a fool anymore for you, and let me tell you, that same month i met who is now my husband, i was smarter also, i had my townhouse he has his apt, i was in my last year of nursing school and working and I told him, i am not living with or having anymore children with any boyfriends or fiancees (same thing, with maybe a ring)..so he knew from bat, you may spend the night..if i want or vice versa but you won't milk me.



If you are living together, and your doing the laundry and cooking, and raisng the kids and all the other things, why does he have to marry you..he has a instant wife, without the title or real responsibility of it and he can trade you in without having to go through any paperwork, i know it sounds harsh but it is what it is. Now if you tell him you two need to live apart, and he needs to get his own apt and pay you child support and you 2 can date but you want things he is not willing to give so you need to move on, that may work , but i caution you, you don't want him to say well ok, i'll get hitched then, you want him to want to marry and spend the rest of his life with you.



You want someone who can't imagine their life without you in it. and if he is not that person than ditch him and I promise there is someone out there who it won't take 5 years for him to know you are the one, it took my husband 6 months of emails and phone calls and 5 months of us dating in person and next thing i know we're married he's loving my 2 children as if they are his and you can't tell him any different and we have 1 together......

Sarah - posted on 03/01/2010

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simple.....he has everything he wants, why should he get married? Sorry but as I always heard it he's got the milk, no need to buy the cow,lol.

Gwen - posted on 03/04/2010

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Maybe it's just me, but why do so many people make the decision to start a family and have children BEFORE they decide whether they are on the same page about the future of the relationship. I guess I'd want to know BEFORE I had 2 children w/ someone if he planned on being around forever, wanted to get married, etc. Obviously, there are no guarantees, but it seems we are putting the cart in front of the horse.



It's just my opinion, not meant to offend anyone.

Ana - posted on 07/30/2012

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Also, here is the advice I give my lil sister:

Dating is dating, be clear as that.

Act like a wife when you become one.

Don't let men keep you in their back pocket...you belong to no one..and you are hanging out because you want to..

If after a 90 days evaluate the relationship, is it getting better or worse, if worse, end it before someone gets pregnant or something stuptid happens..

If the relationship gets better, start to do different things to determine if this person is good for your life, take him around family, travel together, etc..test his crazy to see if it only comes out when he leaves the city with you..etc...

Ana - posted on 07/30/2012

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Ahh.. Amber my dear.. he's getting everyting marriage has to offer him without saying I DO.

So why should he marry you? *I think he should anyways..

So now that you are in this pickel we need to help you to get out..

If there a legal reason he hasn't asked you?
Is there a religious reason he hasn't asked you?
Is there a career reason he hasn't asked you?
Is there a family reason he hasn't asked you?

So after you go through the list, if you keep things going between you all the way they have been, you will be the life long girlfriend!

You have to demand marriage..No more sex, no special favors, start to treat him like you have been feeling, like a boyfriend/girlfriend...

For example.. if you usually do something for him that a wife would, don't do it anymore..act like you are preparing your life for the man who wants to make you his wife..keep yourself up, stay social.. he'll start to notice.. I know your pregnant, so wait till after delivery.. but a man needs a challenge.. and you are no longer a challenge for him.. he has you..what more is there to do..

Give him more to do..make him chase you.. and only give in when you get the ring and when you get the ring, please make the wedding date like right after..at that point you both win..

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Susan - posted on 09/05/2012

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He hasn't asked because he's not ready yet. That's OK ...time will pass married or not and loving each other happens married or not. The kids happy and healty are you happy and healthy is he? Let him make the decision to step up and don't push him there. It needs to be something you both want.



Allowing him that doesn't make you less of a partner or mother and the people who you feel are looking down on you because you have a kid and are not married. Shame on them not you. The kids won't suffer any adverse reaction to having a mom not married to their dad. Why does he say your lazy or was it he's lazy? either way having trouble managing all their is to do is normal....You know everyone does, right. You'll both learn to do it. It's not easy. Indulge yourself and your guy and don't let time confine you let it shape you. You can become what you want to be and so can he, if your lucky you'll learn to do it togeather.

Tracy - posted on 03/04/2010

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It was bad choice on my end. But not being married would have allowed me to walk out without being tied to him in a legal aspect. He was able to drag it out for a while.



It's all ok now. We are cordial and mostly functional co-parents. I don't intend on allowing the laws into my personal affairs again.

Tah - posted on 03/04/2010

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@Tracy i am sorry that happened to you, but i have friends with boyfriends that do that same thing, even if you werent married, he prob would have eventually done those things, and it will probably affect how you approach future relationships,

Tah - posted on 03/04/2010

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yes...i mean it doesn't affect the legality of the marriage...next time i'll try to be very literal...

Tracy - posted on 03/04/2010

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That piece of paper translated to slave ownership to my ex. It meant he could treat me as badly as he wanted, lie to me, verbally beat me down, steal money from the joint account and pu tit up his nose, and I had to take it because of that paper. Yes, I'm bitter about what he put my kids and I through.



Paper doesn't equal commitment. I feel more commitment, more married now with my bf than I did with my ex. We're together because we WANT to be. And all it would take is one of saying that we're done. I'm respected, loved, cherished and nurtured by him, and he gives the same to my kids. Words are meaningless to me, actions are what I need.

Jenny - posted on 03/04/2010

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"i don't think marriage is just a piece of paper " "i can tear that marriage cert into a million pieces..but still be married"



You are contradicting yourself. Or do you mean at this point in time tearing up the paper would not affect the legality of the marraige?



My relationship has the same rights and responsibilities as marriages have been described. It has always been about the commitment, not the paper. It just seems for many women they need the paper to prove the commitment.

Tah - posted on 03/04/2010

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i don't think marriage is just a piece of paper and i didn't go into my marriage thinking, well divorce is expensive, i went thinking it's not an option and so did he he. we paid 30 bucks for a license and got married the same day..inexpensive..lol...i love being married to my best friend, i love not hearing that i can't get info on the cable bill when he is out to sea because i am just his girlfriend and they can't cancel the hbo and give me showtime without his ok..lol...i love being under his insurance, and if he had to be under mine he could, i love knowing that he was commited enough to me to marry me.



I love that he thought enough of me to actually buy the cow. we made the vows before God to love and cherish, honor and obey and to do these things until death do us part and that means someting to me...i can tear that marriage cert into a million pieces..but still be married, so its def. more than that to us..i know there are people who feel that way, and thats fine. I just love being the wife...works for me.

Tracy - posted on 03/04/2010

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Frankly I wished I'd skipped the married part, the divorce cost more than the ceremony with the judge. I'd have been able to walk out with my kids without the court costs

Jenny - posted on 03/04/2010

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It comes across to me like what you really want is for him to say plainly that this family is forever. It's time to sit down and tell each other what you truly want. Why is marraige important to you as opposed to being together for the rest of your lives?



I've been with my partner for 10 years and we have a 7 year old and a 2 year old. We will never marry. It's expensive, divorce is expensive and it IS just a piece of paper. We have looked each other in the eye and told each other this is forever. We KNOW that in our day to day lives. No government or religious ceremony will change how commited we are to our family and to each other. I'll be honest and say I'd really like to be given a sparkly ring though lol.



So what is it that you are really wanting or feel is lacking in your current situation?

[deleted account]

Hi Amber,

first of all what means marriage to you??? it is just to have a ring on you finger and that nobody looks down on you? Or everybody of my friends is married and not me?
I know how you feel, cuz i was ther too....I have one 3 year old and one 2 years old and still not married, We have been for 4 years together and live together we love each other very much and talked about marriage too..... and i'm still waiting and waiting. He says he will marry me when the right time comes.
We complate two marriage courses it helps to understand what marriage means....Do i want to have a commitment and covenant marriage or just a contract.
I stopped to push him to merry me and sad to myself i'm not going to have headaches because of this there are more importend things in my life, and the best thing is i put my trust in God and pray about it. Then more i push him to marry me he won't do it. So my sista we need to be patient.....and pray and God will answer our prayers in his own time.
I think you should maybe visit some counselings with your loved one like for instance marriage preperation it would help both of you. No more exuses " i'm just lazy" He needs to understand what marriage is all about and he don't have to be scared or get cold feets .Marriage is a wunderful thing not a prison...Get yourself a book to read, i recomand " Love and Respect" by Dr. Ermerson Eggerichs. and check out online http://www.laughyourway.com/ by Mark Gungor he is great. Well, i hope i could help you a lil bit and you not the only one who is not marriend with kids... it will happend one day and it will be beautyful! God bless you !

Amanda - posted on 03/01/2010

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You could at least suggest to him getting you a ring and being engaged for the time being, and not really ever setting a wedding date. That way it shows he's showing he's committed, it will mean alot to you, and you have a symbol of your relationship on your hand and something to look forward to.

he could also just be scared that your relationship might change once you tie the knot. theres honestly more horror stories about marriage than there is success ones, so maybe he loves you so much, he just doesnt want anything to change.

Or he COULD honestly be scared of commitment. i live with my b/f and we got pregnant on purpose, and we're about to buy a house together. yet i have no ring on my finger either..? Men's logic doesnt always make sense

User - posted on 03/01/2010

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i dont think its wrong at all. i dont think its "just a piece of paper" its a comittment.

Chastyzer - posted on 03/01/2010

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I have been with my boyfriend for 9 years. We have 2 children, a 7 yr old boy and a 6 yr old boy. We have been engaged for 4 yrs. I was just like you meaning that I just wanted him to ask me. So he did on our 5 year (anniversary). That was enough for me for a while, but now 4 years later I am wanting to get married. He says that we will someday and that marriage is just a piece of paper. We do have a committed relationship and we are best friends, but sometimes a girl just wants a little more. Is that so wrong? I hope it works out for you.

[deleted account]

It sounds like you are begging to be married! Sorry if that is not your intent, but it is how I perceive it. As a couple, you really need to sit down and make a pros & cons list of marriage. As an unmarried couple, he can easily walk away from the relationship no strings attached. As a married couple, it is more than just a piece of paper. Throw in a couple of kids and life does get complicated. You really need to have an honest conversation about the root of the problems why your boyfriend really does not see marriage in the future. If he makes the statement "You are lazy" write down very specifics of what that means. Then, come to some resolutions as to how that can change. Hey, I'll admit I get lazy too, we all do. But what does your boyfriend mean when he says that. Best of luck to you!

Jaimie - posted on 02/26/2010

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i asked my husband to marry me...

i asked him if would have ever asked and he said yeah eventually.. but its the scariest thing a guy has to do.

so if you know this is the man you want to spend the rest of your life waking upto.
having arround to drive you nuts etc

bite the bullet and ask him.
nothing wrong with that!!
why does it always have to be the man..

Sheree - posted on 02/26/2010

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My now husband was scared to ask me incase i said no. We had also been together 5 years at the time, and I thought enough was enough, so I asked him!!! As it was it took him 7 months before he officially asked me out, so may of taken 10-15 years to ask about marriage, lol. He even said in his speech at the reception that if i hadnt asked he probably still wouldnt of, as he was scared of the answer being no. I know its a bit out of the ordinary but i thought it was great and so did my hubby, he told me it took all the pressure off, especially cause everyone was always asking when were going to get engaged as we had been together so long. I have though said that if we ever renew our vows (which we both eventually want to) he has to ask me to do it :)

Jennifer - posted on 02/26/2010

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im in the same situation as you i have been on and off with my boyfriend for 6 years and we have been together for 2 years and we have a 2 month old together. I have asked him and he said that he likes the way we are and that he doesnt need to get married to have wut we have right now. Also he stated that ppl get divoreced all the time, and its a waste of money to get married when u might down the line get a divorced(his parents are divoreced) so maybe thats a problem as well. I am content now im just waiting for the question not in a hurry

Candis - posted on 02/26/2010

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marriage doesn't have to be expensive! my "wedding" cost a grand total of $75! we invited our families to our home and had a Judge come out to do the ceremony. it was very sweet and it was all we really needed! maybe he's afraid of the actual wedding...just a thought.

[deleted account]

Amber I understand the need to be asked. He is not a mind reader (we always want men to do or say things, and get upset when they don't ,haha ) Have you explained it to him like that? Have you tried to say "Sweetie we have been together for 5 years, and I need to know that you want to be with me forever?" Maybe you guys can compromise..he can ask you (or you ask him) and have a prolonged engagement? (I was engaged for over 3 years lol...and i LOVED it cause when you are engaged there is something to look forward to...once you are married, and the honeymoon is over, thats kinda it.) That way you get your promise, you can have some awesome engagement parties and when he is ready you will tie the knot?

[deleted account]

Maybe you could ask him....? Is he worried about the cost of it all if you've already got one baby and another on the way? At the end of the day, marriage is just an expensive piece of paper! ;o)

Krista - posted on 02/26/2010

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Guys tend to be very content with the status quo. The way he sees it is that everything is working great, so why mess with success? I would ask him: does he just not see a need to get married, or is there something about getting married that he doesn't like? If he just doesn't see a need, then you need to explain to him calmly that this is something that is really important to you, that you know it won't change the relationship but that you want to celebrate and confirm the commitment that you have towards each other -- that this is something you always imagined yourself doing with the man you love and that it makes you sad to think of never doing that, and that to you, getting married is the ultimate way to express your commitment to each other and to your children. I wouldn't bring up what other people say -- they're irrelevant to the discussion.



If there is something about being married that concerns him, then that's something you two need to discuss.



And if he agrees, then be prepared to compromise on the wedding. If he sees no real need to get married, he's probably not going to want a big showy wedding -- so be prepared for that.

Amber - posted on 02/26/2010

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Thank you, thats very helpful. Well, I mostly just want him to ask me so I know he wants to marry me. It would show me that he wants to be with me for ever.. I just want to know he wants me forever but i feel like he just doesnt care. ugh im confused... If a guy loves a girl, and wants to spend the rest of his life with her, he should ask right?

[deleted account]

I am just curious why you want to get married? you mention that you are looked down upon because you are not married and have children.



What will it change? you love each other right? I have seen so many of my female friends get married because "it was the right thing to do." or because they wanted the status. To me these are not the right reasons.



If you love him, wait. he says he is lazy...well marriage is A LOT of planning for the wedding..also he is right it will be the same as it is now.



A lot of men that I know who are married have told me that once they got married they felt somewhat trapped...he might be scared.



On the other hand, you mention this means A LOT to you, don't keep nagging him but try to explain to him WHY it matters to you. (saying you are looked down on, is not a reason to get married) and if he says he is lazy and it will all be the same then you can say "you can be lazy, I will do the planning, and If it will just be the same and you know it means a lot to me then there is no reason for us not to get married."

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