Why won't my 13 year old daughter hang out with me?!

Mother Of Teenage - posted on 03/09/2013 ( 58 moms have responded )

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She would rather text her friends all day then to go shopping with me! I've tried EVERYTHING! But she can't spend a simple 2 minutes with me without throwing a fit about how I'm wasting her time or how I'm doing something wrong. I'm afraid her teenage ways have gotten to her already. HELP!

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Marian - posted on 03/17/2013

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Remember what it was like to be 13? You aren't really old enough to do anything fun. Little kids want to hang out with you and cramp your style. Older kids see right through you because you aren't in high school. And then there are those people called parents, GOSH! They are always asking you stupid questions, trying to spend time with you when all you want to do is text with your friends about that cute new boy in english. If only parents remembered that they are not cool, not allowed, and not funny, life would be so much better.
I was a 13 year old girl who didn't want much to do with my Mom until it was allowance time. I didn't want to be seen at the mall with her, because she was SOOOOO embarrassing. But then it was nice knowing that my Mom was always around in the background. I never felt scared or unsafe because my Mom was always around. She gave me enough space for me to feel mature, but not enough to get myself in trouble. She made sure I had good quality friends, made the rules clear and followed through, but most of all she reminded me that at home I didn't have to be anyone but myself. She made home my safe place, so when the world was beating me up because I was awkward I could come home and not have to worry about a thing.
You daughter is experiencing the joys of transitioning into a full fledged teenager. It's a very scary time, and home and family are an easy target for her anger and frustration because she knows that you have to love her no matter what. So make sure that she knows you love her no matter what. Don't over step into her world, but be around so she feels like she has back up. Let her come to you when she needs and wants to, she will. Give her a little respect and remind her that you expect the same in return. You are still the parent, don't ever let her forget that, but don't cram it down her throat. Best advice I can offer is just be there. Broken hearts and break ups with friends are on the horizon and she will need her rock of a Mom to comfort her when the world she so wants to rule, rules her. Patience, love and an occasional trip to the ice cream shop, when her friends aren't around, will go a long way. Best wishes!

Kristi - posted on 03/11/2013

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Good point, Linda. I know back in the day, if we spent too much time on the "real" telephone, my dad would just make us get off. There was no phone at dinner period. If we got caught on the phone after bedtime (9pm), we got our line taken out of our room for a week.

That's one thing to consider, take her cell for a couple hours a day. Engage in some quality time. You are the parent. She should not be controlling your behavior.

Maria - posted on 03/28/2013

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I understand the feelings.

I am a deaf mother, and I do understand why my daughter always texts/plays online games with her friends after I was around her age, I always came out to meet friends at some mountains, or at some spots where we usual hanged out. I had to come home before the sun came down. This is similar of what she is doing today, she wants to have conversations, some fun, silly chatty, help with some homework or make some gossips on her IPOD.

So, I allow her to enjoy the life with her friends in modern ways, like talking through phone, online, or whatever it works for her. But when it comes to dinner, or spend quality time with family, no IPOD please. The same for all of us, no phones at all, so we can be able to enjoy every moment together, watch movies, share some jokes and listen to my daughter's funny stories at her school.

She is 11, going to be 12. The only thing I allow her to go on talking as long as I know her password and I have rights to ask who she talks to.

If I want to spend time with her as a mother/daughter day, I do what she loves to do because that is the only way she will get excited and say YES MOMMY! If I do my way, and she will be like "Ehh.. can we do this other time?"

Tween. Teen. Are the same thing.

Today, tomorrow.. I will precious the moment of her being with me, wants to spend her time with me til she gets older, and maybe she will put me aside and say "Mommy, I ll see you later."

So, try to find what your daughter/son likes to do, so you get the quality time with them and make sure they agree not to let the phone be inferred. One hour, three hours, or a whole day, whatever u all agree to do so.

Remember, listen to whatever they want to say, and even they joke, laugh along with them, and go with the flow with your precious children.

:)

Ariana - posted on 03/24/2013

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I would say make a special 'Mom/daughter' night, where you do something together away from everyeone else, no texting time. If she whines or complains just ignore it like she's being the best ever and go on as if she's not saying anything. You could start with doing something that doesn't take a lot of work, like going out to the movies, and after a couple weeks try to do more interactive activities that involve both of you more often.

It's a vicious cycle, because she's trying to seperate from you and have her own life, but once she does that I'm going to bet you feel rejected and start to give up, which just weakens your connection.

The main points of going out on your 'special night' or w/e you want to call it, are
1. Do NOT talk about negative things involving your daughter. If she's doing something wrong, or making weird choices, leave that conversation for another time. If you badger at her she's not going to want to go with you.
2. Do ignore her claims she doesn't want to be there, or this is so lame, or you can't do blahblahblah. Smile and move on.
3. Try to have fun and be a good listener. If she tells you about a problem with a friend or teacher etc. try to listen and think before jumping in and giving advice. Maybe her friend is being terrible and you want to say 'well don't hang out with that awful girl' but even though she's venting she probably still likes them and dosn't want to hear it, she just wants to talk.

Anyway, that would be my solution. It's natural for your 13 year old to want to text her friends all day instead of talk to you, but that doesn't mean you need to have a total disconnect. Make the special time with her, no cell phones (for either of you) and only you and her.

That way you're making a certain time to hang out with her, but not forcing yourself into her space ALL the time. You have to have a balance of respecting boundaries, but staying connected.

Oh and what do you do if your daughter is throwing a fit? What exactly do you mean?

And for me personally I wouldn't allow a teenager of 13 to have their own phone to text their friends with. I know all the reasons people say teenagers need cell phones, but unless they have a car they really shouldn't be going anywhere that far without your knowledge that involves them needing a cell phone. That's just me personally.

Kaylee - posted on 03/21/2013

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Maybe she doesn't like shopping. You should ask her what kind of activities she likes to do, and do them with her. :)

58 Comments

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Jo - posted on 04/23/2013

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She won't hang out with you because she's thirteen. Why would she want to? Do you hang with your mother? Leave the kids to be kids because before long they will be mothers themselves. You had your teen years, these are hers. She will come back, trust me, I know from experience. Relax. Get a hobby.

Nicole - posted on 04/22/2013

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If you think that she is on her phone too much, pitch it. She is only 13 and she shouldn't be abusing the privilage to have a cell phone. I have a 15 year old stepdaughter so I kinda know how it is but fortunately she is a great kid but there are times when her face is glued to her cell phone. At one point her mom decided to check her phone and found a few texts that where she was calling her mom and her dad(my husband) vulgar names so she lost a few priviliges. I think its good for parents to monitor their childrens phones, computers, etc.

Anya - posted on 04/17/2013

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For all of us that were this teenager and now have teenagers...do you ever find yourself calling your parents to apologize? :)

Autumn - posted on 04/17/2013

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I agree with many others on here that this is quite a normal part of the teenage years. The only thing I would caution about is the use of cell phones, internet etc... Social networking is HUGE now and a lot of teenagers have way too much access to these things and end up putting themselves in not so good situations. I am sure that you are the one who is paying for her cell phone that she is texting on... make guidelines for her... set a specific time that she is allowed to use her phone/cell phone/lap top/computer/ps3... (there are many devices that have internet capabilities) and things that are easily portable, put them away at night where she has no access to them.

Other than that, I would say she is just acting like a normal teenage girl...allow her to have fun (obv. with limits) and always let her know that you are there for her ... Find out what she likes and try to do things that interest her, interests change over time and something she loved growing up could be something she doesn't like now...you never know.

Autumn - posted on 04/17/2013

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I agree with many others on here that this is quite a normal part of the teenage years. The only thing I would caution about is the use of cell phones, internet etc... Social networking is HUGE now and a lot of teenagers have way too much access to these things and end up putting themselves in not so good situations. I am sure that you are the one who is paying for her cell phone that she is texting on... make guidelines for her... set a specific time that she is allowed to use her phone/cell phone/lap top/computer/ps3... (there are many devices that have internet capabilities) and things that are easily portable, put them away at night where she has no access to them.

Other than that, I would say she is just acting like a normal teenage girl...allow her to have fun (obv. with limits) and always let her know that you are there for her ... Find out what she likes and try to do things that interest her, interests change over time and something she loved growing up could be something she doesn't like now...you never know.

Susan - posted on 04/16/2013

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I actually think this can be quite normal for a teenager. It is a phase they go through when they are trying to find their own identity and they find that through interactions with people such as friends and peers etc. Don;t you remember what it was like being that age, all you care about is boys and hobbies etc.

I was exactly like that as a teen, I wouldnt want to be seen with my parents it was totally uncool. Just a phase, unless you feel she is hiding something serious that she does not want you to know. I would rule that out first I guess. But I wouldnt take it personally, my neice does not like walking close to her mum when they go shopping. Teenagers!

Kim - posted on 04/16/2013

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Have you thought of taking her phone away, so she cannot text? Sounds silly, I'm sure. But texting is pretty addictive. We have two daughters, and we do not allow them to have cell phones or video games for that reason. It distracts from real life.

Jessica Leigh - posted on 04/16/2013

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It is nice that you want to spend time with her. I am 38 and I have a friend whose daughter is a teenager and my friend is a good mom. She cooks meals for her kids. She does swim with them in the summer, but she drinks. She goes to her friends to drink and she used to atleast just sit st her kitchen table with a beer. It takes away from her ability to give to her children is how I see it. Even if it is not about the time spent with her son and daughter the beer cost money that she could be putting towards her children.

Roxanne - posted on 04/13/2013

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Well i hate to repeat others,, but shes 13... I am a child of a large family, 6 girls and two boys. I am 33 now with a 3 year old son of my own. When I was 13 i would not be caught dead with my mom. But its the age. She is coming in to her own, she is 13, and well that should explain alot. its the rebeliouse time she wants to be free to do what she wants, and we still have to be parents and reign them in for their own protection. But todays kids are way more advanced in technology then we were. Theres not alot you can do, but definelty do not let her talk down to you or boss you around. Remember you are her mother first and for most. I also agree with the other moms.. we survived with out phones and computers and we grew up normal and our worlds did not crumble, but do use those items as punishment if the disrespect gets out of control. take away what she feels she cant live with out.. aka phone. Keep the respect. It is just a phase and she will grow out of it. Find something that you are both mutually interested in. For me at that age, it was singing. My mother and i both joined the church choir and it really helped our relationship at that time.

Gaby - posted on 04/10/2013

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My daughter who is now 21 went through a phase like this. It was heartbreaking. BUT most importantly is staying in a conversation with her. Honestly, I made my daughter spend time with me if she liked it or not. Out to a musical, dinner, etc. Mostly, she hung out with me at night and watched a movie or TV. I promise, she will come back to you. DON'T give up or give in to her teenage ways!!! And encourage her to have her friends at YOUR house.

Natalie - posted on 04/09/2013

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I am a mom of 6 - 3 boys and 3 girls. My youngest daughter is now 12 and still enjoys spending time with me. The other 2 went through it and it lasted a few years.
You are not going to change her, but you can endure this and come out on the other side.

Basic Reason: She is 13.
Biological Reason: Her hormones are beginning to blow up.
Her reason: You are not cool.

This is totally normal and very common. I know it is upsetting...but my advise is to not appear needy for her attention and do not try to manipulate her. It will backfire.

Give her some space, and do some stuff without her that makes you happy.

~Natalie

Lea - posted on 04/09/2013

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My oldest daughter is twelve, and she knows that if she ever starts acting as though computer and phone time etc. is her right, not her privilege, these things will be taken away. away. Phones and computers don't HAVE to be used. This is to make sure she doesn't take it for granted and act addicted to her mobile device. I also set limits on the amount of computer/game time she gets per day; 30 minutes on a school night, an hour on the weekends. Once her time is up, she will come hang out with me or play with her siblings instead. I think you should definitely try it, as it really leaves them no choice but to hang with you ;)

Holly - posted on 04/09/2013

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Nicole, do you really think bribing a teen is a good idea? My friends loved my mom,just because she was cool. We did spend the night thing up to middle school years, a group of 3 of us, and we took turns at each friends house... but my house was always a blast, just because we would stay up, watch movies, have popcorn, and the most hilarious thing we cleaned the CRAP out of my mom's kitchen, we polished her table, disinfected the counters, swept, mopped, dusted, we took the oven rack out and cleaned those, we cleaned out the refridgerator drawers and disinfected the shelves and drawers and trays.... THIS is what we did at the parties and, for some reason, my mom's house was the coolest.

Deepti - posted on 04/08/2013

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may be she needs some space and time to understand that ultimately it is her mother who is her best friend!

Nicole - posted on 04/08/2013

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I disagree with taking away phones ,laPtops,etc... I think that would just anger her more with you . I think you should let her plan a get together like a sleepover at your house with her friends . Then that night you can take them out to get snow ones or skating ( something she enjoys ) If you make a good impression on her friends they will brag and tell her that your the "best" etc... Your daughter will then think that you actually really fun to hang out with and spend quality time with you .

Carrie - posted on 04/03/2013

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Because she is 13 plain and simple. When my daughter was like this, ( she is now 15 1/2) I used humor when I could. This way her friends would think I was funny and play along and eventually she did too. Don't worry it will pass just always be ready for when she is ready.

Holly - posted on 04/03/2013

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set a time every week (or a few times) that phones/computers/tv are off limits and this is family time. tell her mondays and thursdays are family time. If there is something that she wants to do on one of those days she needs to make it up to you on another day.

say monday and thursday during the hours _ and _ are to be spent with you and there are no electronics during these times.

perhaps if she knows that this is what is coming ahead of time she wont be so ready to throw a fit about it. she has 5 other days during the week for her friends but these days are for you and your daughter.

JEAN - posted on 03/27/2013

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i went through this with both of my girls, just let her be, if she needs you for something then she will come to you, both of my girls are in their 20's now and both are in collage, they went through the same thing, some times they still do, they both still live with me and i am a single mom, she will come to you on her own, just be there for her. Don't take away her phone, or other things. she is not doing anything wrong it is a teen thing. just be thankful she is not into drugs or alcohol, or worse in jail, etc. If you put pressure on her she will rebel, and it may not be good.

Anya - posted on 03/24/2013

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Demand time with her, let her pick the time, place, etc. Limit phone texting-some what. Read all her text. She already doesn't like you so she is not going to be that much more upset. One day she will like you again...about the time she turns 18.

Pedro - posted on 03/23/2013

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It's cuz your her mom your not her friend and your just not cool anymore she will come back around later

Roxanne - posted on 03/21/2013

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Read "Why Do They Act This Way" by David Walsh - best book ever on raising a teenager!

Minna - posted on 03/19/2013

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My youngest was a horrible 13-14 year old. Took away his stuff, got in screaming fights with him, we did it all. Our last big one he started to yell' I hate you!' Well I flashed back on myself telling my mom that at 14, I had to burst out laughing. He didn't even get it out all the way because he cracked up too.
I finally let him go his own way. Made basic rules- no phones during meals or at bed time [sometimes had to confiscate], make decent grades, tell me where you are all the time, no disrespect [at least be smart enough to turn your back when you roll your eyes].
We actually went on a 5500 mile road trip through Canada with 2 teens and most of the way they had no cell service. They survived and admit they had a good time. Just grab the good times when you can.
Thing is , he's 15 now and much better., Maybe I stopped getting my feelings hurt, so we got out of the whole reaction thing-maybe he grew up a little.
Strange world. My husband and I were at a restaurant the other night and started noticing all the couples sitting next to each other and texting away! Hope they weren't on first dates! Minna

Nicole - posted on 03/18/2013

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Welcome to the "being parents of teenagers" club! When they get to their teenage years the last person or persons they want to be around are parents. My daughter will spend all her time in her room, talking to or texting friends when she is not watching TV or listening to music. And when she is not doing that she is either hanging at her friends house or they are at our house. We do not force her to hang out with us, she does get her space but not so much so that we are not clued in to her activities, but when need be we put our foot down. We encourage an open dialoque so she knows she can discuss any topic with us, and when she is ready she takes advantage of it. Sometimes those conversations lead to some of the most quality times spent together. Also we make it a necessity to meet and know all of our teenager's close friends parents and stay in close contact with them.

Just bare in mind that it is just a phase... remember when you were a teenager?

Samantha - posted on 03/17/2013

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Truth be told, she has entered that teenage attitude/ mood/ mentality thing, and take away the phone. I never had my parents to actually be parents to me but I did get to see how my friends where with their parents and when the parents wanted to at least spend time with them. The parent took the cell phone away and told them were going to spend the day together and in the end they did. Take the phone away, tell her to go in the car with you. Turn off her cell phone. Go out to eat, go to the mall, shop. spend quality time together. And finally at the end of the day or the next morning which ever you choose, give her the cell phone back and just tell her that all you wanted was just one day, that one day where you two are able to spend time like that, because not everyone in the world has their parents around. I am 22 years old and my parents aren't even around. They are too wrapped up in their significant other and have been all my life, and if I could have every for even a second had my mom or dad to that, I would have probably had a better or more positive outlook on them. But I just don't and that's very blunt fully saying it.

J M - posted on 03/17/2013

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To, Shawnn Lively - posted 2 days ago...



We Home schooled our child, best thing ever, always had firm routine, interaction with other children, had 2 yrs trampoline got gold where he excelled in , and 1 yr Gymnastics, had private tutoring as well but with lest 5 children at a time, more interaction with other children, was treated as a individual and respected, not just another number in a already over crowded system.

Also many suffer anxiety because schools children get bullied a lot in large schools that , don't have enough time or staff to patrol school areas when Adults are eating their own lunch and don't have the time to watch over them for 1 hr, while children go around bulling others.... Its wrong to bully in the work place, so way do some parents feel some kids have to tough it out? Why do parents feel just because you Home schooled their is something wrong with that?

If you take you child to a tudor after school, is that ok? of corse it is......


As long as Children are making the steps and grade and their needs are meet in all other ways, then so what. I mean I never stayed at home every day all coupe up. um chce stereo types really have no idea. I had proper routes, and stuck to them, then had time for Library visits, other interaction such as Sports week days, and week ends, all N O R M A L.

And I was able to get MORE of the RIGHT resources and support , than most schools can provide, and admitted they needed $ for Government help.... some case time is more than $ and Children are most precious resources, cannot wait until Schools get more, I mean we even had to pay for our own Teacher aid translator in a public school! because school said did not have..,, what for it, yes, no enough resources, um.

Thus its a personal choice that shod never be dissed, Homeschooling is a good stepping stone because you can mould a more positive character when they are still young, so they know they are not just one of a crowed and have a voice of their own.

Home school is fine, when you know what you are doing is working, and you are open to allow other professionals to help you as a unit, its brilliant.

Our son...... first language is not english, he got better score that English speakers that have been in the so called school system a lot longer than our son has been attending a school now why? because we placed Quality time and the right work, that worked for him and his needs, in to him, inspiring him to learn, but we were every careful what school to choose, as not all relationships between teachers and Pupils may work well for their benefit, as so many burnt out Teachers out their, also teaching at home gives the child flexibility of what they naturally enjoy learning, EG: we took our child to couple schools, was very bored as did not have simulating subject matters, No Music, no Art, reading and writing and maths yes basics, but even then, seemed more challenging for the Teacher! they don't teach sciences at school until teenagers, I mean why wait then?

But now our son, is just humming along nicely in a good school, and can think for himself, and does not feel pressured to follow the crowd, he knows he is a individual, but also works well in a team in all he does.

You don't have to been a rocket Scientist to teach a kinder garden child or Primary school age student.

All can choose whats best for their child. paid Teachers don't know all, but all do try to work for the best intrests.

J M - posted on 03/17/2013

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? um well how did she get a ph in the first place, and who pays for it, um. ANd um, she is 13, she is a typical teenager. other than shop, you don't say what else you do have in common? like the outdoors or anything stimulating ?

We have said to our 10 yr old, no way no ph until they can work properly 17 plus, and pay for it. Because before this age one should be abel to have such a relationship that you must be able to know where they are and trust them by 18 at lest, any way.

Just why do parents they 9 -15 yr olds needs a ph that cost the parents anyway?
We have a son, and wether we had a son or a daughter, we go out often fishing, a simply hobby, that lasts a life time together as family, that also can connect other friend of Children's m and their families. In door or out door Rock Climbing, camp out....

Just get up and do something and take her, as she is still a minor, that needs firmer direction.

Get more in common/ provide some alternatives than just speeding $ on things and phs, don't just complain, take the reigns back and DO something about it, you invite others and her friends, teach her better ways to send her time , Lead her by example.

Really who thinks going to the mall all that exciting anyway? you can do that any time.

Kim - posted on 03/17/2013

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The best way to stay close during the teen years is to be the driver to events or host her friends as often as possible. Also, don't ever allow her to be disrespectful. She doesn't have to be excited to be with you but she has to be respectful.

Nancy - posted on 03/16/2013

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My daughter didn't have a cell at that age.I didn't allow my kids to control the house.I raised them by myself and didn't try to be a friend to them as I was too busy being both parents. Take the phone away from her since I assume you pay the bill and bought the phone.Believe me, she won't die without it.It'll probably be pretty difficult at first, but you have to dig your heels in and not budge.You need to put a stop to this crap now before it gets any worse. I wish you luck .

Anne - posted on 03/16/2013

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Mom, you have allowed her too much control in the relationship; you are the parent. At thirteen, she may think she's ready to take charge of her life and relationships, but the truth is, she is still a child, needs you to set the ground rules, and needs you to be where "the buck stops." (And although that nasty attitude is common among teens because of hormonal, emotional, and intellectual changes, that doesn't make throwing a fit or being disrespectful acceptable behavior) Be the adult and LEAD her instead of chasing after her.
Since you are the adult, if you want to see things change for the better, you'll have to initiate the change. Be firm. Be prepared for resistance, too! She'll eventually appreciate your guidance, but it's not going to be easy getting started. You will need to decide which of her behaviors or interactions most need to change - just pick one or two to begin with but be SPECIFIC. Set reasonable expectations and decide how you plan to affect these changes. Then sit down with your daughter and explain clearly what changes are to take place, how she will know that she is successfully making the changes, and the results she can expect (long term) if she succeeds as well as the consequences for refusing to break from the undesirable behavior.
Since you mentioned it in your post (and because it is a potential source of control for your daughter) I strongly recommend establishing clear new guidelines for her phone use as one of the first changes. The conversation might go something like: "I have given you this phone for emergencies and so we can stay in contact throughout the day. I understand you enjoy texting your friends and that's fine...but from now on you may not use the phone to avoid me, you may not bring it to the breakfast or dinner table, it will not be answered if it is interrupting a conversation, and you will turn it off and not send or receive calls outside the hours of 7:00am and 8:00pm on week days, 7:00am and 9:00pm on weekends. Basically, I expect you to be courteous and respectful in your phone usage. Situations may come up where we need to bend the rules a bit. I can be flexible, but you must ask me first! If you begin consistently following these rules with a good attitude, which includes refraining from rolling your eyes at me or whining, then in a month or two we can talk about extending your weekend talk time by an hour or two. The more I see you being responsible and respectful with the phone, the more I will be inclined to make special exceptions or give you more freedoms with it. If I find that you are sneaking calls or texts or allowing the phone to interrupt meals or conversations you will get one warning about it. If it happens again I will take your phone away. If you begin demonstrating a defiant attitude about these rules, I will take your phone immediately. If your phone is taken from you, I will not even consider giving you another opportunity with it for two months. There will be no bribing, begging, or manipulating me. Understand this...the phone is not a right; it is a privilege that can be taken away. Show me that you are mature enough to handle it."

Niki - posted on 03/15/2013

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First thought, the phone needs to go. At the very least - hold it hostage in exchange for a better attitude. Ask her which movie she would like to go to - not if she wants to. Or what restaurant she would like to pick. A question without no as an answer. I am not sure if you are doing something wrong or not - but insist on spending some time together. Find what she likes - a pottery place, the mall, whatever. Make sure she understands this is not optional, you will be spending time with her, and the phone won't be making a return till her attitude recovers. Make sure your conversations count, and make sure you aren't trying to be her friend - you aren't and will never be.

Sharon - posted on 03/15/2013

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I let my children communicate freely with their friends and I don t worry wether they want to spend time with me.

Roxanne - posted on 03/15/2013

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Same thing, take it, lock it and put it in a chest. that's when they know "Hey she's not playing around". a little discipline is never bad. i hope i helped you




Love, roxanne

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 03/15/2013

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Terri Lynn~

Not judgmental, much, are you? Where are your sources stating this "fact" that homeschooled children are (quoting) " always close to parents and siblings"? Where are your studies and statistics? Oh, wait, I see, your "facts" are gained through your personal experience with YOUR kid, and others that you homeschool? If YOU are homeschooling the children of others, then how is that bringing them closer to THEIR parents? Just curious on that one.

You state that you "feel sorry for kids who aren't homeschooled". Well, honey, I feel sorry for kids who are, who miss out on the social and athletic opportunities offered by attending school with their peers. I feel sorrier for them when they enter mainstream education for college and are so frustrated by the demanding schedule and the exposure to thousands of other students that they often don’t finish their freshman semester because of stress. I feel sorry for the young lady who was highly educated as a homeschooled kid, but was so unaccustomed to social interaction that she was hospitalized for anxiety halfway through October, after having a breakdown in my office because she wasn’t living up to her parent’s overinflated expectations of her.

FYI, your statement of “Teens, both male and female, who are homeschooled are always close to parents and siblings.” Is not a fact, it’s an observation made on a very slim segment of the population. My kids are fully public schooled, they are more than close to us, their parents. They are openly affectionate, and seek to spend time with us on a daily basis. If we AREN’T doing things together, it’s odd.

Schooling does not make or break your relationship with your kids. Your parenting makes or breaks it.

Sharon - posted on 03/15/2013

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Surely this is normal behaviour, I have a twelve and a fourteen year old and we are ships that pass in the night. I am the cook the cleaner the taxi driver and the person who works and pays the bills. They love me and I love them but they are children, relax let them enjoy child hood and do their thing. Being a mother and loving your children includes letting them spread their wings as they learn to fly. Keep your eye on them, ensure they are safe, be non judgemental, support them but let them grow .... They ll come back to you if you let them go explore the world and don t fight to hold them back.

User - posted on 03/15/2013

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Take the devices away. You are the mom, she is the child. You are not her friend, you are the parent

User - posted on 03/15/2013

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That is your fault. You are the mom and you make the rules. Take the phone away and make her realize that there is a life outside of texting.

Marina - posted on 03/15/2013

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I'm getting the same thing. It comes in waves though, and I think if you keep trying to do the things she wants to do and treating her like the daughter you remember when she was little, you will have days when you will have fun together. The teenage years are HARD. I am on kid #2, and they are mean, they don't listen, and they try to do the opposite of what you suggest, but then they grow out of it and during the time they are in their phase of insanity, they will once in a while be nice and want to do something with you. It's just not that often until they are out of their teens (at least in my experience).

One last thing - remember that once you give her all her privileges to use whatever devices she wants as much as she wants, she will. Since she is only 13, its not unreasonable to take away her devices until she can be kind to her siblings. She might throw a tantrum, but it will subside and she will think twice about being mean as much. After a fight and my daughter returns back to normal, I often make her say something nice about her brother and vice versa. It somehow works because it lets them know what they like about the other.

Maria - posted on 03/15/2013

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My daughter is 13 and she rarely even looks up from her devices I offer movies shopping dinners out bike riding Broadway shows! anything to spend time with her! she has NO interest in anything other than mind craft and instagram she is God awful to her younger sister and even her older 23 yr old brother who always tries to give her a hug and offers to hang out with her. It is so sad she is putting so much stress on our entire family. Dont know what to do!!!

Loretta - posted on 03/15/2013

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I appreciate the enthusiasm for home-schooling because I homeschooled my daughters until they were in 7th and 8th grade. But it didn't cure our daughter-mother conflicts and it didn't stop them from wanting to be with their friends more than me from about 12 on. I agree with Angelena about including their friends with you on outings. I always had them invite a friend during their teen years--even when we were just going to the mall for school clothes. They had so much more fun. And the added bonus was hearing what they and their friends were talking about as we drove there and making sure the friends were trustworthy people!

Kristi - posted on 03/15/2013

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Terri Lynn--

Children do not have to be home schooled to have a close, healthy relationship with their parents. In fact, my daughter and I would kill each other if I home schooled her. We have an excellent relationship. We have not had an easy go of things, yet we have always stuck together and remained close.

She'll be 14 in a few months and she still tells me she loves me in front of her friends, she doesn't mind if I volunteer at her school or cheer and yell at her athletic events. We are honest with each other, we respect one another and we do things together.

Where I live, I am not the exception, I am the rule...as the saying goes. So you can save your do-gooder pity for somebody who is looking for another reason to blame their crappy situation on instead of accepting any responsibility of it for themselves.

And MotherofTeenageDaughter---none of this comment applies to you in any way. (Except that you don't have to home school to have a good relationship with your daughter)

Roxanne - posted on 03/14/2013

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Okay mommy first of all, i'm going to say what i would i would do to that little phone of hers straight up:Take it and put it in a chest, lock it in there and keep the key till she gets her act together. before you want her to spend time with you she needs to lose that smart attitude. your child shouldnt be throwin fits and having tantrums over a phone, and if that's the case then she has no buisness with a phone. second of all your daughter is too caught up in her phone. tell her to give it a rest and if she can't do that. then she needs to be G-R-O-U-N-D-E-D. i hope i helped :)

Terri Lynn - posted on 03/14/2013

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You're not homeschooling are you? I can always tell. Teens, both male and female, who are homeschooled are always close to parents and siblings. Your daughter is acting like a typical public school/private school kid. Schedule some time with her each week minus her cell phone and choose things you will both enjoy. I always feel sorry for those who don't homeschool. I run groups for homeschoolers and homeschool my own and I teach classes to homeschoolers from preschool to college and am amazed at the closeness of every family I have worked with for the past 25 years.

Teresa - posted on 03/14/2013

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Of course she doesn't want to hang out with you. It seems like you're trying to be more of a friend than a mother. Tell her you would like for the two of you to go shopping and spend some mother daughter time. You have to continue to be the mother though no matter what. I'm not saying be strict, allow her to have time with friends but not to much where the two of you aren't spending any time together. Monitor that texting also, so many of our kids are into things that us as parents don't even know about until the very last minute, trust me I know I see it regularly in my line of work .

Chelsea - posted on 03/14/2013

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You've got to understand something's about being a 13 year old girl in this day and age... Hanging out with mum is and will always be lame- if you act like a needy mum. Instead of trying to force her how about you suggest a shopping day for you both just the two of you? And then compromise by suggesting after shopping you'll drive her to her friends/give her money to go to a movie with friends/ suggest a sleepover at yours and go and hire movies together before her friends arrive...?
Put yourself in her situation- at this point in her life her friends are her world... And you trying everything to spend time with her does seem horrid because all she wants is her friends... In order to develop a relationship with your daughter at this critical stage you must in lack of a better description become her friend.
The last thing I wanted to do at 13 was hang out with my parents and it wasn't till much later in my life did I ever think how they must of felt about my constant rejection.
Find out what she likes and what she's into and instead of forcing her to hang out with you find something that you'll both try to enjoy together and become a friend (still a mum too but try to find a healthy balance)

Angelena - posted on 03/14/2013

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You are your daughter's mother not her best friend. She should have age appropriate friends to text, hang out with and bounce her ideas off of. Make certain those friends are suitable, safe and stable. As she matures she will need them as much as she needs you. There will come a time when she needs you more. After the teenage years. When she discovers that you really aren't as dumb as she thinks you are at the moment.
As for shopping trips. Invite one of the friends to tag along with you. Make a day of it, have lunch and learn to enjoy the company and silliness teenagers bring to your life. You will have a renewed sense of life in general and a whole new appreciation for what you put your own mother through. Good luck!

Loretta - posted on 03/14/2013

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I have two grown daughters and teenage daughters can be REALLY ROUGH on Mommies! I had to call my own mother more than once and apologize for some of my teenage moments when I realized on the mom end how really hurtful it can be. That said, it is important to remember that none of this is really about you, but about where she is developmentally and emotionally. And what you do about it should not really be about you either. If you take any action, it is because it is healthy for her to realize the value of relationships and the importance of respecting others. If you are trying to fulfill your own needs with your parent-child relationship right now, you will not only be very, very frustrated for a few years, you will probably drive your daughter further away because the last thing a teenager can handle when they are overwhelmed with navigating the almost-adult world they are in is feeling responsible for the well-being of their parents. I am speaking from experience and my two grown daughters (in their 20's) are beautiful, beautiful people now with the utmost respect and love for others--and we have a wonderfully close relationship. So hang in there--it does get better.

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