[deleted account] ( 3 moms have responded )
Dear circle of momers,
I am not a parent. I am writing this to try and understand a parent’s POV and, maybe get advice on what to do.
We are a family of three, me (I’m a girl, 22), my brother (19) and my mom. (Dad died in 2012) My mom works 9 hours a day and when she gets home, she cleans and cooks. I work on and off, & am a full time university student. I have a scholarship, so I should spend most of my time studying. My brother, goes to a community college. He doesn’t work, he says it disrupts his studies (yet I’ve never seen him study). He spends his time sleeping, at the gym (I mean, 4 hours a day, 6 days a week!), and at parties. He has so many friends, Mr. Popular, and most of them are in their mid to late twenties. (gym friends!)
My mom told us both that there was one thing she would not tolerate: Me bringing guys home, and him bringing girls. Which is why he spends most of his time out of the house. He comes home at 4-7 AM. Sometimes, he goes out at 3 AM! The first few times, my mother asked him, begged him not to go out at 3 AM… and he said that it was his life, and that was that. Then all the times he woke us up in the middle of the night when he got home, and my mom asked him where he was and he said “out” and that was that…
A few days ago, my mother came to me, almost in tears asking me to smell my brother’s jeans. I didn’t recognize the smell, but my mother was sure it was dangerous drugs. When we confronted him about it, he said that we disgusted him and was shocked that we didn’t trust him! And then he left home and didn’t come back for a day and a half. He takes my mom’s car all the time and leaves the tank empty. He spends her money, all the time. She pays for his school, and his gym.
I confronted my mother about him. I told her to kick him out, to tell him to go live with his precious friends and see how hard it is. She won’t do it. I don’t know why… and she got really upset with me when I said that!!!! She keeps complaining about him, she cries at night, she is stressed out and worried, so why on earth isn’t she doing something?
And when I try to do something, he gets angry. He’s a big guy, and he has a temper. He has threatened to hit me before, and I fear sometimes that he might someday really hurt me. When I tell him what he’s doing is wrong, he gets defensive and says things like“Why don’t you get a full time job and help out?” “Why don’t you move out, you’re almost 50!”
To top all of this, he is very controlling.He threatened to beat up my ex-boyfriend when he wouldn’t stop calling me, and he showed up at school with a couple of his friends to tell him that! He tells me If he ever sees me with a guy anywhere, he doesn’t know what he’s going to do!
My mother is not lenient at all, that’s the funny part. Or, the unfunny part… We're all adults, but I understand that she is still the parent. Which is why I respect her, and I actually want her to set rules. It's just that, the rules only apply to me and they are much stricter despite the fact that I'm 22. It's just sexist.Like she ripped me a new when I came home at 12 AM from a party, that she knew about a week before, because she didn't like the clothes I was wearing, smelling my breath, asking too many questions… things she should be doing to my brother, who does this ALL the time. FFS I’m still a virgin, because of her! I feel pathetic for wanting to make her happy, because I feel like she takes me for granted, and she doesn’t love me the same way that she loves him. Or that she’s taking her anger on me...
So, I guess what I want is a way out of this mess. I can’t turn my back on them. I want to help them, but my brother doesn’t want help. My mother, is delusional and tells me she’s given up. Once, she said that she would die one day and then he would HAVE to grow up. Is that really the best way to go about things? Is she just lazy, or is she scared of him? I can’t help anyone, and I feel like I’m just making things worse.
Any comment on this would be much appreciated. I’m feeling overwhelmed. Sometimes I wish my mom would marry a guy, maybe having a “father-figure” wouldn’t be such a bad thing for him.