Will I be a single mom forever??

Tabby - posted on 09/06/2013 ( 7 moms have responded )

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I was molested and raped when I was a very young age by someone close to my family, and it continued through my teenage years by my mom's boyfriends and adult hood by my step father. I have been a single mom now for almost 3yrs and I feel no closer to being in a relationship. I was with my kids dad for almost 12yrs and finally left after years of cheating, absolutely no help with household or the kids even though we both worked, and mental abuse of everything being my fault, even things that were out of my control. I have "dated" but never brought a man around my kids, my kids have no idea I have even spoke with another man besides their dad. The first sign a man wants more than just casual dates (movies, dinner etc) I run. I feel I do not trust any man with my heart, or my children. I feel like I'm just destined to be alone or am I being over protective of myself and my children? It's even lead into friendships, I can't keep a friend because I lose trust in them quickly (the first sign of disrespect) and I don't let my kids go to their friends houses, they come here so I can keep an eye on them and know exactly whats going on. Its just me and girls and I beat into them I'm the only one they can ever trust. Feeling a little embarrassed now that its all typed out, but I desperately need thoughts of people from "the outside"

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Mardi - posted on 09/06/2013

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You will get there honey.

I suggest you go the counselling, there are deep issues you need to delve into, so as not to repeat past mistakes (without learning the lesson at least).

I could nearly be reading my life story here, its uncanny to see it all written out like that.
Doesn't sound like your ready to date again yet, well get serious with someone at least,

I divorced while my 3 kids were still young. The difference was, I made sure my kids knew I dated, they saw me get ready to go out, or I would tell them while they were at dads, that was ok, mum had a date, so wouldn't be bored etc. I didn't want them to think I fell fir the first guy that showed and interest in me. I wanted to show my girls they had a right to date and be just as picky and choosy in the men as the men were about women. They still remember several of the men they met during that stage, all nice guys, but not the right guys for me. I got into trouble for not keeping a few they liked, but that was ok too, cause I told them, they probably wont keep the ones mummy likes best either......lol

I have now been with my partner for 11yrs, but I finally found one I trusted enough to keep around. Dont be in a rush to settle. Work on you being happy, helping your girls being happy, and things will pan out eventually.
Hey, being mum today is hard work.

Kim - posted on 09/06/2013

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Counseling would be a great relief to you, I think. Trust is hard to build after experiencing such tragedies, and the paranoia can be crippling (I know that first hand.) Don't wait to get help, you don't want your daughters being unable to have healthy relationships. Put yourself out there when you date, just in a safe place where you could get helped if need be. I know it is tough :) but you deserve to have someone who treats you right.

I also have this thing when I meet other people and feel like we could be friends, I feel like they secretly hate me and are only being nice to my face. I have to work past it, and it is hard, but I can sometimes make a good friend in the process!

Mardi - posted on 09/11/2013

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Dont get me wrong Taby my kids only met a handful of the men I actually dated, only the good ones who I thought might be around for a while. But then throw 3 small kids into the equation and often they were too selfish to be 'family men'.

Often my kids would only meet someone if they were being babysat from home, but most of my dating happened while they were at their fathers for access weekends.
Seeing how the men acted and reacted to kids was usually a huge telletale sign on if they would last.

The key is to take your time, do it slowly, trust your insticts and go with the flow. You will know if you meet the right guy. But heres a big hit, you will meet more interesting people if you do things and become an intersting person yourself.

As for getting/giving forgiveness, thats only something you can do for yourself, give yourself permission to be forgiven and to offer your children a better life through your own childhood experiences.

Cindy - posted on 09/06/2013

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Hi Tabby,

Therapy could really help you. Maybe you've kept things bottled up for too long and that's why it's scaring you to date or allow your daughters to trust anyone.

If your daughters are old enough perhaps the first steps to healing your wounds is to sit down with them and have a conversation. You dont have to go into details just enough to say "this happened to me and im worried that if your not careful it can happen to you" but telling them that they cannot trust anyone cannot be too healthy.

In order to let someone into your life, and you will, you have to forgive. Forgive yourself first because somewhere deep inside I know you must blame yourself for all the things that have happened to you. You never asked for this to happen, ok. Then forgive those who have wronged you. Dont be afraid to forgive or allow yourself the vulnerability of letting others into your life.

Please see a therapist. Your perfect someone is out there but until you find yourself and come to terms with your past you will not be able to trust anyone.

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Cindy - posted on 09/11/2013

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Ive had problems with my mother and men as well, though not as intense as those youve had to endure. My mother had me young and it wasn't until she separated from my father that she started to really live. Unfortunately I did see her going out with men and sometimes had to pretend I was her sister so they wouldnt think she had too many kids, I had a younger brother at the time. I have always had a strong will and have never been afraid to express my feelings about anything or anyone so we had issues with 2 men she ended up dating and eventually living with. 1 tried to hit me because at 15 I wouldn't wash the dishes when told. Safe to say he didnt last in our home. It wasn't until her last boyfriend who shes been with for 9 years that she chose him over me. At 17 she allowed him to kick me out and rold everyone that I was a bad kid and left. Safe to sayI had no pplace to live and my relatives didnt want a trouble maker in their home. It wasn't until many years later that people saw my mothers true colors and after constantly being banned from her home and my siblings that we finally found some common ground.

I stopped hating her because in the end we're all human, none of us are perfect. In 8 years im still working on trusting her and forgiving her a little more. None of us knows the correct way to lead our lives or raise our children. But I try to look past that and everyday I remind myself that it can only hurt me and not her if I don't forgive her and walk away from our past. Because thats all it is the past. Its of course what shapes us into the people we are today but all we can do is learn from their mistakes.

Telling your daughters that you are dating is not a bad thing, but bringing every guy home would send the wrong message. In that I feel I agree. But you cant expect them never to trust someone, just teach them never to make the mistakes you or your mother have made. Help them be strong and independent. I hope you can be stronger too, because to endure all you have endured you already are strong you just need to direct your strength in a positive direction. Id say seek out help before you start to date further, might be skipping a few steps.

Tabby - posted on 09/11/2013

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Thank you guys so much. Mardi, I never thought about dating that way. I've only been afraid to let my kids see different men coming in and out of our lives like i've seen many other single moms and dads do. But letting them see me be picky to choose the right man, is a good thought :)
Cindy I definitely need to forgive, yes myself and others. Thats one of the hardest things for me because, my mom chose all those men over me, even as a child. I feel if I can't trust the one woman in the world who I'm suppose to trust with my life, who can trust and there in-lies my problems with forgiveness because I can not forgive her.
Kim, counseling is definitely something I'm going to do. I started it a couple years ago, but before things got even worse. it was definitely helping though.
Erika I cried when I read your comment lol. I'm praying to God for things other than a husband, I feel I'd be selfish to pray for myself like that when there is so many other things that need prayed on. And yes, I kinda expect to just find superman lol. I'm tired of being lonely, but i'm the one causing it for the most part.
You guys are so inspiring. I really appreciate your time and effort you took to respond back to me. Its a little easier talking to strangers lol. I'm taking everyone of your thoughts into perspective and pray I have the strength and courage to act upon it.

Erika - posted on 09/06/2013

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Hi Tabby! First of all let me tell you that you're a strong woman! I know many girls who always put their needs before their kids! And I see that you are so into your kids life's which is a good thing! I'm not going through the same but I would like to help! I think you should pray to god for your husband, make a list of how you want him! Only you and god would know and obviously god wouldn't send you someone who will treat you or your kids wrong! Do you know what you want on a man? Or do you just go out on dates expecting superman to get your attention right away? Now remember nobody's perfect so some guys might make mistakes like grab your hand or maybe try to kiss you on the first date,but as long as he's not trying to abuse you then maybe you should give it a second try :) don't be afraid of knowing what happiness really is when you find your soul mate! I tell you because I prayed for my husband making that list and he came a year later :) and I'm only 21 years old happily married! I hope I helped!

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