Will my 23-year-old son ever come back to me?

Alissa - posted on 06/18/2012 ( 2 moms have responded )

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I was a good mother to my son. He is 23 now and hasn't spoken to me in over 2 years. It happened when I called him on how he was using me for money and being verbally abusive. I told him I couldn't allow him to continue to speak to me that way because it hurt too much and set a bad example for his younger siblings. He is the only one of my four children who is from my first husband. I also told him how hurt I had been over the way he had deserted us in favor of his bio father who had grossly neglected him his whole life until he was 16. I told him all of this in the kindest, most non-threatening way I could, but it destroyed my relationship with him. He wants nothing to do with me now. Has anyone ever been through this? Will it get better? Am I doomed to be estranged from my child forever? Please help. Thanks.

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my husband just turned 24 and has a similar relationship with his mother. certain things are different like she throws money at him to make up for things in the past but then recently said he only goes to her for money so he said fine then i wont talk to you anymore if thats how you feel kind of thing. it really isnt his mom's fault she reaches out to him often with calls emails and such. he is in the army so we are far from home so we dont get to see them ever. but its just pretty much because he is an independant person with the views that once you turn 18 and/or get married and such then you're supposed to move on with your life and get away from your parents. im sure this wasnt too helpful but i just wanted you to know that there are similar situations and in this one it isnt his mom's fault or anything that she's done its just how he thinks life should be now. so i wouldnt take it too much to heart because maybe he is just trying to become his own adult

Brittany - posted on 06/18/2012

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Have you tried to reach out to him recently? If not I would attempt to.. maybe ask him to coffee? Tell him your missing him ect. A couple of years can really change someone especially in that age range - Maybe he is embarrassed he's treated you so badly.. and thats why he hasn't reached out to you.

I wouldn't say you've lost him forever.. if the time isn't now, I would imagine it will eventually sort its self out - it may not be until he has his own children, or a really life changing event - but deep in his heart, he knows your the only mom he will ever have, and just because one day of words hurt him - doesn't mean he has forgotten the years of love you have given to him.

I was really hard on my father after my mother and him split up - I took sides with my mom, for alot of good reasons - but ultimatley after not speaking with my dad for 5, yeah thats right five years. I realized I was wrong. I could judge him as a person but could not ever say he was a 'bad' father to me. I really didn't put this together until I had my own child. In reality now, I am embarassed I was so hard on him and that I lost those years with him.

I'm sorry your having such a hard time with your son, be adament that you don't want to lose him forever and miss him dearly no matter how he's treated you or the things you have said. Those things are just a matter of opinion, not to be used against each other or challenge the love you have for one another.

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