Will my disrespectful 20 year old son ever change and come around?

Vanessa - posted on 11/15/2013 ( no moms have responded yet )




I'm a single Mom over 40 with a 20 year old son that I adopted when he was 8, along with his older brother who was 9. Four months ago, I kicked my 20 yr. old out of my house for the 3rd time since he had turned 18. The first two times he was kicked out were for a few weeks at at time because of his disrespect to me and my home. He would become enraged when I kicked him out, because I was catching him off guard and he had to quickly find a place to go. Within a few weeks he would crawl back with apologies and promises to change his ways.

Since he turned 18 he has/had become so disrespectful to me. He is so full of hate, anger, resentment, rage, disrespect for all women, hates authority, hates his jobs, hates people in general, has nothing to do with his older brother, has a foul mouth and temper, nothing is ever his fault, has pushed/shoved me, and has destroyed property in my home when things don't go his way. He is demanding and controlling and a manipulator and uses others. I think he still has a lot of deep seated unresolved issues with his deceased birth mother and even with his birth father that had to abandon him and just still has adoption issues in general. But to me, this doesn't excuse his behavior. I had sent him to counseling through his younger years and offered him more counseling when he was 18, but he refused anymore help because he felt the psychologist and everyone was stupid. He used to be funny, loving, kind, friendly, respectful, a pleasure to be around, and had lots of friends. Not anymore. This all seemed to change when he met a 'not so nice'..'downright slutty' girl right after he finished high school. Maybe this was his "first love." She convinced him not to go to his college classes and therefore, he dropped out within a month. He said to me that he didn't care if I wasted my money on him, that it was not his problem. He said that I was the stupid one for paying for his classes. That girl kicked him to the curb shortly after and it made him angry toward everyone, especially me. I truly don't think he is on drugs, but he has had a complete behavior switch.

About a year ago, he met another girl and became, I think, even more disrespectful to me, using the 'f-word' and other foul-mouth language often. He would not adhere to house rules that he actually agreed to. They were all simple very do-able things, but he would indicate that he could do or say whatever he wanted to me because he was over 18. Well he could do this behavior outside my home, but not in my home and not to me. I had even went to some counseling sessions myself to get some advise on how to deal with him.. The psychologist said if he disobeys house rules and disrespects me again that he needs to go....I finally had given my son too many chances and told him to move out...that his disrespect had put him in this situation again. I told him to go find himself. I told him that I will always love him, but for now, I don't like him or who he has become. He had said he wanted to move out, so I gave him some boxes to help get him out quickly and without incident, but he became unglued again..trying to demand things from the house and threatening me if I didn't give him things, etc. Of course, I didn't give him those things. He didn't tell me where he was going and I didn't ask him. We haven't spoken to each other since he moved out (4 months). Recently I saw him getting out of his car in a mall parking lot as I pulled into the mall looking for parking...He then sends me threatening texts to say to stop following him...I am not following him, I was going shopping at the mall I usually go to. I think he has become paranoid that I might see him with this girlfriend or find out where he is living.... I actually was told by someone that he is living with this girl and her mother in their apartment. I have never met this girl or her mother, nor do I want to as I think he has already poisoned them about me. I think he is surrounding himself with those who agree with him and that he can manipulate....(ie. this girl and her mother).

I think he is a lost, angry soul. But in his mind, he probably thinks he is just fine. I pulled both of my sons out of a sad and bad situation to give them both lots of love, and provide a safe and happy home with plenty of opportunities. My older son is doing just fine.

I know I won't be letting my son move back in with me, because I am fearful that he might harm me or my house. But one day I would like to see that 'good version' of my son again. I miss that 'good version' of my son because he was really great. I think the longer he lives with that girl and her mother, the less likely this 'good version' will happen and the more distant he will become towards me and his brother, etc. Am I wrong? Because he has been so disrespectful to me, without any remorse or apologies, I can't be happy for him in anything he is doing now with his life, although I think he is having a hard time with holding down jobs and having enough money and maybe with his living arrangements. I have heard that the girl's mom is a ex-felon, so maybe he is getting a lot of bad advise too.

Will he ever come around? Will he ever change? How long is he going to be like this? Should I do anything? Or should I continue to do nothing? If I could, I would just want to shake shake shake him back into a decent human being. I pray everyday that he will change, but so far, my prayers haven't been answered. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms