Will someone please tell me how to handle teenage girls???
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Sara - posted on 05/06/2013
I had a feeling my 16 year old daughter has having sex. I hacked into her phone and come to find out she has been having plenty of oral sex sending m
Naked pic to her boyfriend and planning to have sex on prom night and who knows what else. She is totally caught. She has been lying and manipulating me for weeks. OMG I haven't said anything to her yet. But I can't even look at her. We are so close, but I am devastated that she doesn't have more respect for herself. I don't know what I should other than make a GYN appt to get her on the pill.
I have 2 teenage girls and they are such a joy. So many moms have asked me the same question you posted. I know you've had to work hard with your teen girls when they were small, but now the problems they face are a little different. Teach, teach, teach them the importance of good choices. I have always told my girls that their are consequences to every choice--good and bad. You take responsibility for each choice you make and you have to endure the consequences to them as well.
Treat them with the respect you demand they have for you. On some school trips, I and my daughters have been appalled at the way moms spoke to their daughters and the daughters to their moms. Be respectful and make sure they are respectful back.
Make sure they know of the importance of God being in their life. I couldn't do anything right without that. I tell my girls that that is so imporant because when they no longer have you to catch them when they fall, God will always be there for them and He has the answers to their every problem and need.
Spend time out with your girls and talk to them. You will be surprised the questions they will ask you. My girls really like the stories of how I met their father and the problems I worked through when I was a teen. Enjoy them and be firm. Make no mean no and expect them to obey the rules and have hard consequences when they don't. I try to apply everything they do to when they will be adults. If they don't do a job right at home, how would that have effected them if they had done that on their job as an adult? Many times when I approach an issue with them in this manner, it makes them feel more adult like and they understand you're not just harping on them, you're trying to prepare them for adult life. That's what the teenage faze is all about. It's amazing to me how fast the high school years fly by. My oldest graduates this year and then she's off to college. I will miss her greatly, but can't wait to see how she spreads her wings a little bit.
I'm long winded, but don't miss out on enjoying the teen years. To me, it's the best ones so far!
Debby - posted on 12/30/2008
Oh my! I'm just getting to that stage! My daughter turned 12 in September, but she already looks 14-15. She started the mood swings, answering back, the pulling of faces, and screaming slamming doors, etc,etc,etc months ago! I find she gets worse if you argue with her. If you have a partner or husband with you, agree between yourselves some rules, and stick to them. Work out punishments or sanctions, and most importantly rewards. Above all, and this is really important and the most difficult - don't argue back with her!! They love it when you argue and shout back - plus this shows them that they might feel more in control if they shouted. Just try and keep calm, and stick to your rules. Try saying "I'll deal with your behaviour later when I've thought about it" - and do that. I can't advise about smoking, drugs, or alcohol. Ella knows that I will allow her to have a little wine with her meal on a Sunday once she turns 15/16. I take her to the school drugs talks - which are really interesting - and she knows the dangers. We also talk about it very openly. We have discussions about smoking too - she knows the dangers of this.
I don't think there is a manual out there to advise you. Sanctions/punishments I use: stoppage of pocket money, taking her mobile phone away for a day, no laptop or internet use for a day - or until she does what I've asked her to do (usually pick her dirty clothes off the floor), and I have grounded her and stopped her from going to clubs. I have never like smacking her - it only makes her worse and louder!! (She also has the phone number for Childline!!!)
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Patricia - posted on 01/01/2009
have six daughters. made alot of mistakes. what i have found is that if we see them struggling let's say with looks. we ask them for help for ourselves. we take the pressure off them to feel worse than they already do and give them the floor for conversation.
Teresa - posted on 12/30/2008
I have girls that are 11 and 13 going on 17. Its horrible. Their father passed away a couple years ago, and it is so hard trying to be mom and dad. I have a boyfriend and he is very good with them. But you know the whole thing "your not my father" bit. They try to push there luck. I recently have had problems with my oldest daughter with the whole boys situation. I wanted to pull my hair out. The most I can say as far as managing. Is take what they love away. The computers, phones, staying over at friends, skating, what ever it takes to let them know that your in control not them.
I have a 16 year old girl. These are the things I've learned. Pray a lot! Pick your battles. Let the punishment fit the crime. Find out what her love language is and show her that kind of love. Listen to everything they want to talk about. It may not interest you, but they'll talk if you listen.The more you listen without judgemental comments, the more they'll tell you about all areas of their lives. Make time to do things one on one with them. My daughter and I are great friends, but she knows that I am the authority that God has placed in her life.
Anne - posted on 12/30/2008
Hi Katie, I was thinking of asking the same question today. I don't know exacttly your situation, but I have an issue with my daughter, which is mostly an attitude problem. My daughter always answers, but it is hardly ever without a sigh. She has a very negative attitude at some point everyday, but then we can have some good laughs too. I think the hardest part beeing a teenage mom is the frustration of finding out what mood they are in. But one thing I do a lot, is reflecting and looking back at my own teenage years, and try to do what I would have wanted my mom to do in certain situations.
Brenda - posted on 12/30/2008
You have to figure out what is worth the fight. If it is not physically hurting her, she is not bleeding, etc. it may not be worth fighting about. I get on my teenage daughter about her attitude more than anything else. The bedroom mess drives my husband nuts but to me she is the one that has to live in it and it is not worth the fight with her to get it cleaned up.
Rhonda - posted on 12/30/2008
Katie what specifically are you wanting help with. I have 4 girls ranging from 17 - 21 and there are so many different dynamics and situations that can be in one child let alone a family. Each one of my daughters have different personalities and we really deal with them differently. We have the same rules for all but the response is always different(mine and theirs). Hope this helps.
Coming from a Teenage BRAT, keep your boundaries. Know what you will tolerate, and try to bite your tongue with the rest! Teens want to be able to rant, take it with a grain of salt, and only give your opinion if it's asked for! Otherwise, you might get the wrath of the rant!!! Remember to a teen, EVERYTHING is life and death. LOL!
Have a family dinner rule or a breakfast rule for eg. Everyone should eat together for one meal. Even if they don't talk to you or grunt! They are still there! Or, alternatively, one day of the week is family day. Spend time with them. They may not show it, but they will appreciate it later! Hope this helps! Good luck!
Cindy - posted on 12/29/2008
Mother of 4 daughters here... 19, 18, 15 and a year and a half. There is no clear way to handle teenagers in general, but with having all girls, I have learned that they are very drama driven. I have done well with giving them their space and privacy, yet always keeping a sneaky eye when I can. My daughter refer to me as the FBI Agent, because somehow I always "know" things. If I discover something via a forgotten note in the jeans when I wash them, I never use it against them..I just keep the information handy for future use ( like do I let them hang out w/certain kids who may not be the best according to the note). I was given some GREAT advice by a woman who has the most amazing relationship with her daughters, and that was to allow them to ALWAYS have the friends over at your own house. Even if you are exhausted and the last thing you want is a bunch of loud kids creating havoc.. still allow them... because it is better to have ALL of the kids in your home and you know they are doing vs. your daughter somewhere else and having no idea. Your home may become the regular hangout for the group of messy teens, but you will always know where your child is and what they are doing. I have done this, and it has worked out wonderfully!! BEST OF LUCK!!!!
Lisa - posted on 12/29/2008
It's harder for them now even more than for us growing up. Be very open and available to talk. I have to be open and honest with my 3 girls for them to share with me. It's hard to tell them about my mistakes. We always want more for our girls than they want for themselves. I don't have all the answers or have I always made the right decisions, just love them.
Kathy - posted on 12/29/2008
Be their friend, Give them space, dont go through their stuff, treat them like You would want to be treated at that age, Dont be nosy, unless You have GOOD reason, Tell them You love them often, My girls are 30 and 24 . we had spats here and there but really nothing major, one thing I hated was the stomping down the hallway and slamming of the bedroom door, my oldest tried that twice and on the third time the door came off for 3 months, she hated that, my youngest learnt from that, she never slamed her door,hah
Swanieta - posted on 12/29/2008
Hello, I am a mom of 10 children, of which at the moment 2 are teenage girls, 13, and 16, the older one 21 has gone thru it all and I still have a 5 and 3 year old girls coming, the other 5 are boys, 18, 17, 14, 11, and 8. So I am living with all the stages. The way that they act as toddlers will be an example of how they will be in their teenage years. Usually just let them rant it out at you, I know this is hard to listen too and not respond, but then they will come back later and say how sorry they were for doing that to you. Teenage boys can be just a difficult as girls but theirs usually start a year to two years later than girls. As far as reading everything that they are posting then your teenager gets the feeling that you do not trust them at all anymore. God Bless in this trying stage of life.
Rachel - posted on 12/29/2008
Good luck with that. We had a 16 year old foster daughter and when we caught her smoking in her room (our 2 year old was in the next room with a respiratory infection) and tried to discipline her, she decided to move out. It's hard, and I wish you the all the best.
Kerri - posted on 12/29/2008
Teenage girls are a chore for any mother. They have raging hormones(not the same as boys usually) are a bag of shear emotion and drama most times and are completely and totally unreasonable. Sound like yours? Anyways, my daughter has a room with a lock on it. When we get into a yelling match the rule has always been go to your area and come back up when you are willing to talk. Trying to talk them in a rant is a lose, lose situation. Don't let them corner you and never give in. My daughter is 16 and besides the normal teenage garbage, she was diagnosed with severe PMS and has to take hormones. Trust me when I tell you you will get through it. My 18 year old son was a chore but nothing compared to my daughter. Sometimes you have to learn when to pick your battles. Good luck.
Melissa - posted on 12/29/2008
I don't have a teenage daughter but I do have a teenage son. I admittedly don't usually like to share my thoughts on this age child - it usually comes back to haunt me LOL :)
I meddle in his business ALOT! I check up on his stories with other parents, I try to stay a step ahead of him at all times. I use the attitude, "if it smells like a skunk, it's a skunk" mentality. My husband & I were talking about this last night, we both remember wishing our parents had been more involved in discipline. I have went as far as taking the door off his room letting him know privacy is a privledge. I frequently take the cellphone & read all the messages (occasionally I text his friends like I was him) and I don't give him warning or any time to delete the messages - Surprise checks in the middle of the day! I only allow him to have a MySpace or Facebook page if I know the password & I check it regularly. If I don't like what I see I have him delete it & then we discuss why & I tell him consequences regardless of how scary it may be for every action he takes. A friend of mine whom is a councelor once told me, discipline but do it for short intervals of no more than 10 days long, because if longer they have no concept of time & give up trying to earn back priveldges which makes behavior fail rather than prosper. I'm sorry, I am just rattling on, but I sure hope it helps.
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