Wish I could just hide in my closet!!!!

Jenny - posted on 12/08/2013 ( 1 mom has responded )

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To understand the above statement I will have to go back almost 5 years, May 1st 2009 we got a call that my father had committed suicide. It was an instant shock to the system and a nightmare everyday ever since that call. I was to be married 2 months later so this news dampened the day. I tried to stay positive despite the situation. We were married on July 2nd and I had up and more down days ever since. It just felt like the world was against me. 9 months after my fathers tragic death I had a miscarriage. It was news I was not expecting but news I had to take anyways. 3 moths after that I became pregnant with my now almost 3 year old son. I really felt that after his birth that I would get a break for awhile but what was I thinking not in this family. This past year I have had 3 consecutive miscarriages. It has ripped me apart and my husband. I don't know what to think and feel like I am being punished. I apologize all the time feeling a great load of guilt inside and outside of myself. Please do not say that God doesn't give us more than we can handle because I really don't believe that anymore. It hurts so bad I can't breathe. What is making it worse is my drug addict sister in law is pregnant with her second child with no complications. Everyone else around me just had their 2nd or 3rd child with no problems. WHY!!!!!! I am giving up on having anymore children and just saying fine I can't bare to lose another one. Now granted people this is only the last 5 years. If I continued to explain my past you would understand why I cant do this anymore and just need to know that God is still there cause it really doesn't seem like He is. Hope has become non existent. I just feel pain or some numb feeling all over. It's just too much, I am currently healing from a D&C I had last Thursday so now the Holidays are something that has become tainted. I am trying I really am I just don't think I can take much ,more. Pleas HELP!!!!

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Jule - posted on 12/08/2013

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Oh luv, you poor thing you have really been through the wringer! Sometimes life just doesn't seem fair. I went through a similar situation (not with the dad thing) but while I was trying to conceive, my husband and I went through 8 years of ivf to get our twin girls, all the while a friend decided she would get addicted to probably many drugs, she first fell pregnant just after my husband and I were told we would have to do ivf to have children, she decided she would have an abortion which crushed me, so she continued to drink and drug away, then found out she was too far for an abortion, but could have it done in hospital for a fee, which of course she asked to borrow off me. Of course I said no and had to distance myself from her, during the 8 year course of ivf this friend went on to have 5 children, and only kept 2. I couldn't see the reason for this but now I do, I appreciate my children a lot more than she does and all of her children have problems now due to the drug abuse. I was 35 by the time I had my twins, so of course most of my friends all had finished their families, you will look back on this in years to come and understand why. Keep positive and I wish you all the luck in the world!

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