Wondering if I'm making the right choice for father to not be on birth certificate

Melissa - posted on 11/26/2013 ( 5 moms have responded )

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I am currently 37 weeks pregnant and my partner and I separated about a month ago .He always gave me trouble from not helping me during the pregnancy to denying that the child is his I decided to break it off due to the stress and unhealthy relationship we were having . I told him that I was going to put his last name and my last name on the certificate and he was fine with that and a couple weeks later he decided he didn't want his name on the certificate at all because he didn't want to have to give me money for the our child but still wanted rights to see him however and whenever he wanted which I wasn't up for . I was completely disgusted and agreed to not have his name on the certificate ...after he left he would text me from time to time asking me how am I doing and not too long ago he told me that I should name him this and keep his name on the certificate . I got really upset and told him I'm not playing this game with him , I just want to know what do you guys think about my situation I need help !

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Ariana - posted on 11/26/2013

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Yes, I would leave it to your Mom to tell him.

I'm not even saying oh no he shouldn't be involved at all, I just mean whatever decision is made has to be just that, a decision. It shouldn't be some last-second spur of the moment thing. He's going to feel guilty or sentimental at times and call you up and play games and that's no good for you or for your child. ESPECIALLY as the child gets older.

If he really does become interested and it's a lasting interest (not just a text or two or him complaining how he wants to be involved for a week and then drifting off) then you can certainly move forward with a plan of action. But like you said, playing games is just going to hurt everyone involved.

Good luck with your son and just always let him know his biodad not being around has nothing to do with him, and don't speak negatively in front of your child about his biodad (even if he is being a jerk) because part of him is part of your son.

I wish things were easier, but at least I don't have to deal with some of the same issues I've heard my other friends who are separated (or sometimes not!) dealing with the father/mother of the child. I'm the decision maker for my child, which is a lot of responsibility, but I also know that he's not being influenced by someone who is totally irresponsible and not very caring to anyone but himself. So good luck!

Ariana - posted on 11/26/2013

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No. Don't play games. If he wants to talk to you I would suggest telling him you expect him to be in therapy, or see you with some sort of councellor/mediator before speaking again.

I have a four year old and his biofather was never involved. He would call me up and try to 'play daddy' and talk about how he wanted to see my son. It turns out he would call me as soon as the mother of his older child and him were fighting (thus making her jealous and having her cry for him to come back).

I was lucky enough to keep myself from getting to drawn even though part of me really wanted to be around him or have him around my son.

Even now he continues to periodically speak with me and then drop off a week (or less) later. I told him he should make a plan, get himself together and see a therapist. And once I'd talked to him and his therapist we could make a plan for where to go from there. Of course he never did anything and is still exactly where he was when I went away four years ago.

I feel sad about it, but ultimately my child has enough going on without an inconsistent adult who can't make up his mind.

Don't put his name on the certificate, and try to unattach yourself from this guy emotionally. It's possible he WILL want to see the child or want to be involved but he can't just call you up at random and expect you to hop on board because he last second decided this. He might last second back out and there you are all upset again. I've been there. And it seems really really hard right now, but after this has happened for the 3rd, 5th 8th time you're going to be glad you stuck to your guns.

Don't be rude to him, be very respectful, but unattach yourself,, if you talk to him try to visualize what you would tell a friend to do/say in your situation.

Are you planning on having him see the child? Is he going to have visitation? If he wants to see the child he should be paying support as well. You really need to take a good look at where you and he are going with this before you decide one way or the other. If he's going to be uninvolved do not put him on the certificate.

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 11/26/2013

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Get paternity established, and court ordered support & visitation orders.

Do not try to withhold the child from their biological father.

Melissa - posted on 11/26/2013

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You are completely right and I thank you for sharing with me . Honestly I'm very fed up of being so kind to someone that treats me very badly and as for him having rights seeing his son I'm not all for that ..I was at the beginning but now thinking about it he will have a big impact on my son and it could be a very negative thing . He texted me again not too long ago saying do what I want he wants no problems and told me good luck I guess that's where it ends but I will also be prepared to hear from him again . I will in the other hand when my son is born let him know that he's healthy and great or tell my mom to send him that text

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