Worried that my relationship will change one we get child back

UnknownAlex - posted on 06/26/2015 ( 8 moms have responded )

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Background: my long-term boyfriend and i live in a house that his dad owns (his friend just moved into our basement), and the rest of his family live in a house in front of ours.

Issue: My step-son is soon going to be living with us (well he's moving in the house up front with his bio-mom -she'll be moving in there once SS gets here-) and as happy as I am that he's coming, as each minute passes I start to get worried.
Worried that, as my SO said, he'll be spending a lot of time up in the front house.

I already get annoyed that we don't have the time we used to together (I've been pretty moody lately because of this). Don't get me wrong! I understand that his friend wanted a place to stay (which I agreed to thinking things would be different), and I'm all for him getting to spend as much time with his son as he can (my SS who is not three has been away since a few months before he turned one). I don't know how I'm going to handle having his friend, his friend's girl, his ex, and his son always there.

It's not like I didn't expect this when we got together, but I though his son would always be there, and we could build or relationship with SS, now, I'm just scared because everything is going to change so drastically so fast.

I'm not really asking a question I know, I just hate venting to my family and to my SO (he already knows this is hard for me), I just don't want to feel so alone. No-one I know faces the problem I do so even if they understand I think there's a limit that I may not have here.

Please, tell me if you're going/ have been through something similar, how did you handle your feelings?

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UnknownAlex - posted on 06/30/2015

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Two separate houses on the same property (child you be staying in the house with his mother).
It really is a hard thing. I constantly feel guilty about feeling a bit jealous over his child., and I'm already a little uncomfortable with the mom moving up front as is. I want him to be able to have time alone to bond with his kid, but the only time she ever gives them that time is when she's in the shower. Him and I recently discussed how important it is for him to get some father-son time in (because of our different family backgrounds he didn't see the benefit of it at first). I've been thinking about a counselor and brought it up yesterday while him and I were in the car, he had mentioned he had been thinking about a counselor, but this was about 2 years ago. He isn't sure if he still wants to.
Maybe you're right and I SHOULD think about one for myself, I've always only thought about one for him,
Thanks.

Sarah - posted on 06/28/2015

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Ok, to be clear, you live a house owned by your BF father. Mom and child will be moving into same house, but living in a separate area?
You are moody because you don't have the time you used to have together, and the child is not even here yet? I have not gone through what you describe but I will tell you in most cases a parent will chose to spend time with his child over a girlfriend. So prepare yourself for that feeling. i am not saying you can't make it work, but you can't expect to come first. You should not be first, unless you are his wife. Jealousy is a tough emotion to beat. He may want to spend time with the child's mother as well; are you prepared for that. i don't mean romantically but they are bound together by the life they created and will need to consult each other routinely, if not daily, about his well being. My advice is to seek a relationship therapist who can help you build some skills to handle your emotions when said child and his mother move in. It may seem like a great idea, but what if mom wants dad back? You just don't know. Good Luck

UnknownAlex - posted on 06/28/2015

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Sarah, oh no no, I'm sorry for the confusion. SS lives with the BM's mother in another state right now so it's not easy to go visit.
the parents think it'd be best if they lived close to eachother (apparently living on the same property is best) so that he doesn't need to be thrown around, he can go right out to the backyard and there daddy is.

Sarah - posted on 06/28/2015

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Regardless of address, front house, upstairs apt, downstairs apt, why is there no visitation policy in place? If you lived in separate counties or states, you'd have a visitation agreement. Boy goes here MWF and here every other weekend. The flip flop of parents moving around is only to going confuse the child.

UnknownAlex - posted on 06/28/2015

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Beth, I have absolutely NO intention of leaving. I'm completely committed to him for better or worse and leaving when things get tough has never been an option for me.
he and I both know that we are not going to split just because things get a bit hard.
Just because we aren't married on paper don't mean we aren't married in heart.

I do see how things really are, and of course I have the best things for myself in mind, and the best thing for me is this family, even with the stress of it all.

Thanks for your input hun =)

Beth Ann - posted on 06/26/2015

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Sounds like an episode of Jerry Springer. I guess you're there because you love this guy and I think you have to make ONE big decision. Either this guy is worth all the heartache and hassle ahead or he's not. You're not married --- so that's actually a good thing. Means you can bail at any time if things get too complicated. Pay attention to your own feelings and if it's getting too difficult, consider finding your own place and distancing yourself from the circus. You're right to be concerned -- it doesn't sound like a situation where your relationship with your boyfriend will prosper. Sometimes it's really hard to see reality -- especially when it bites --- but pretending things are nice when they're not is NOT helpful in the long run. Try to see things as they really and also try to committ to yourself -- to do the best thing always for yourself, for your future, your sanity and your happiness.

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