Would u categorize me a bad woman :( ?????

Nadi - posted on 09/02/2013 ( 1 mom has responded )




Hi, I am a 42 year old with 2 boys aged 12 and 10 in a unappreciated marriage. I have always done things right, never messed up my youth and married the man my parents introduced. I have been involved in an emotional affair with a guy half my age (21) for the last 2.5 years. Realizing what I am doing is wrong I have tried to chase him away with every possible excuse and had scolded him in even in total filth. But he is not budging... I have asked him several times, why he wants to be with me. He keeps saying that I have never known what love is and he wants to show the depth of the meaning of love to me. He is still an under grad overseas and we have even kept a long distance relationship going. Now he wants me to move out and come with him, finding work in his country of residence until he is capable to support.... I love him deeply and has felt needed, loved, appreciated and everything possible a woman feels when in love. I care and love my children deeply but they have a great father and is sure they will be well looked after. I feel used and that I have sacrificed a lot in life and now want to do something I like to do.... This guy is very smart and is sure to do well in life (and is on a full scholarship at university). I have asked him whether he would lose interest in me when I am old.... He says that you got to wait and see. Thus far he understands that I am old and have seen me with greying hair and is not concerned one bit about it. Even with others, he is a very popular, helpful and capable individual.... What should I do? I love him so much but is scared to take the step to move out because if it fails I have no coming back....


Rebekah - posted on 09/03/2013




I don't think its helpful to label yourself as a "bad" woman... but through your post, I can see your conscience is bugging you about this. I think you already know that pursuing this has numerous red flags. The biggest flag should be the impact on your children.
If you leave your marriage, it should be for reasons having to do with the marriage being unhealthy and/or irreparable.... NOT for the reason to hook up with someone else. If you choose to leave, you should be prepared to be independent (financially and otherwise), because there are no guarantees with this other guy.
Affairs can be like a mirage... they appear to be something that they're not. Who knows...maybe you are soul mates... but you've had this relationship on the sly and haven't had a chance to experience a real functioning relationship, where you spend sufficient time together, get to know each other's families (your kids!), spend holidays together, see each other at your worst. How much is fantasy, and how much is reality? I'm sure those feelings you have just draw you into it further, but feelings can't always be trusted. "Love" is not just a feeling, it is an action. He is asking you to leave your children? And not just leave, but go to another country? He is asking you to find work out there...is he wanting you to support him? Is that the loving thing to ask you to do?
I would seriously question his motives... and your own. He was barely a legal adult when this started. This is my opinion, of course, but as you noted, the age difference is significant. You are both in very different life stages, and that won't go away.
You had an arranged marriage, yes? Your culture is different than mine, so I'm not familiar with how "love" evolves in those arrangements or how marital issues are worked out, but what would happen if you invested the time back into your relationship with your husband?
Sorry if this sounds harsh, but in my opinion, I think you have an obligation to your children. They are still young and need their mother. Motherhood IS a sacrifice, and you aren't done yet. Yes, you deserve happiness too... but I think you should find ways to work on that within yourself and in your marriage first, and not look for it from someone outside your marriage who is trying to undermine it. Good luck to you... I'm sure its been an emotional rollercoaster.

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