Would you let your S/O to hit your kids?

Bri - posted on 08/19/2011 ( 202 moms have responded )

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watching steve wilkos today and i can't believe how many ignorant people are willingly to spank a child but their significant others innocent children!!!! The main discipline should be for both biological parents, when two bio's arent together and they have a S/O, I dont believe Step parents should spank/discipline (physical) their steps or the S/O's children



What do you think

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Nancy - posted on 08/20/2011

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If a person is willing to take on the responsibility of raising a child and being responsible for that child, they have the right to discipline as well as praise that child. Being a step father or stepmom has nothing to do with it...discipline is from love of the child so that they will grow up into a well rounded adult.

Jodi - posted on 08/22/2011

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In a perfect world, Sherri, you are correct. But it isn't a perfect world. Do you trust your ex?



I don't smack my kids, which is why I say whatever my ex's values are, she can't touch my son. In fact, I'd flip if my ex did to, because he was abusive to me, and I won't tolerate him doing the same to his son. Why on earth would I trust him to delegate any form of spanking to his GF just because he believes in it?



That's why I absolutely agree with you Emma, that unless BOTH bio parents are on the same page with physical discipline, neither of them should implement it in their homes. There are way too many grey areas. Try something else. There are plenty of non-violent options.

Jodi - posted on 08/22/2011

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See, again, Diane, you are assuming there is no difference between spanking and discipline. No-one is suggesting the step parent can't discipline. The dispute is in the spanking. Discipline CAN be administered without hitting a child. So no-one is suggesting falling back and waiting for the bio parent to DISCIPLINE. Just learn how to do it without spanking. It IS possible you know......

It really scares me the number of people who think they should be able to spank their step children (or any child for that matter) because they lack the ability or inclination to consider the alternatives and instead may well risk the custody of their step children in their home.

Krista - posted on 08/22/2011

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What I'M alarmed at are the parents who think that no spanking = no discipline, because it makes me think that they must spank for every single little damn thing, if they have so little respect for alternative forms of discipline.

Jodi - posted on 08/21/2011

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And I REALLY hate it when people use the Bible as an excuse to hit their kids or step kids. You spank because you choose to, not because the Bible told you to. Moving on......

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Jenni - posted on 08/23/2011

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Well considering 90% of parents use spanking, I doubt that's the case. Disrespectful or out of control children are more likely due to the increase in single parent homes and issues with unavailable parents.

Jesica - posted on 08/23/2011

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My husband is a police officer also and has no problem spanking our children if they deserve it. Right in the police department if need be. Spanking is legal in texas and should b left up to the parent to chose. As long as they follow the rules and only use their hand. I think people need to remember, we all miss the days of well behaved kids and respect...maybe taking away parental rights are the reason we have a problem today.

Jesica - posted on 08/23/2011

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I would like to make a comment for the Texas Parent. If you are married to the child's father you have the same rights as the Biological parents. I am a step mother in Texas to 3 children ( I also have 3 of my own) and I have the same rights as the Mothers. I actually have more rights when it comes to my Stepson because we have custody with his mother having visitation. I also can dicipline all of my children without permission from the other parents. I do discipline my step-son without his mother's permission BUT I have been raising him since he was 17 months old and he Maybe sees her 4 days a month. If I followed her rules, he would weigh 200 lbs. at 10 years old, would have no rules or structure and would do nothing but watch TV all day. It all depends on the family and what is best for the child. I am Pro-spanking by the way. With your hand, on the bottom & yes Texas is a corpral punishment state. I was spanked and I turned out great. My kids will turn out great too....they already are.

Steph - posted on 08/23/2011

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Whether a step parent is classed as a guardian must be area-dependant. I live in the uk and my partner has never adopted my children but is regarded as their guardian, he has the right to make medical decisions, and deal with schools etc. And so he should, he has been part of our lives since my elder children were babies, and is father to our 2 youngers kids. My ex husband plays no part in my children's lives (he is allowed no contact due to being a paedophile) so IMO he has earned the right to discipline the children of our family as much as any other parent. Whoever suggested divorced parents should not remarry is insane, yes I am a mum, but I am also a person and have the right to a life. I am marrying my partner in a few weeks, we have been together for 7 years, nearly 8, and for my kids to be raised in a happy loving committed family can only be a good thing for them. For us all.

TealRose - posted on 08/23/2011

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No, I wouldn't be letting ANYONE hit my kids... including me .. as I think it is an appalling thing to do. You and I and the criminal and his dog are all protected from being hit, but not a defenceless child? CRAZY is all I can say. There are far better ways to raise a child too. Apart from that .. children ARE people .. and shouldn't be being HIT !

Jodi - posted on 08/23/2011

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Jennifer, I never realised it either. Another reason I am glad I live where I live, to be honest. There are many, many reasons I am thankful not to live in the US. And that is not having a go at the CITIZENS of the US, just the policy.

Laurene - posted on 08/23/2011

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I totally agree! I don't feel anyone should hit a child, especially someone elses! Children are given to us to cherish not abuse!

Jenni - posted on 08/23/2011

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Until this conversation, I had assumed it was the same throughout North America (as well as many other countries) that it was illegal for a step parent to spank a child and could be considered assault. I had no idea that it was ok in the US without permission of both bios. Guess you learn something new everyday? :/



And it wasn't until a few months ago that I learned there is still corporal punishments in schools in many states of the USA. I thought corporal punishment in schools was abolished everywhere back in my mother's day (the 60's- 70s). I guess I've been niave.

Michelle - posted on 08/23/2011

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Well, we live in Texas, and while steps may not be able to make SOME decisions...when it comes to things like this, it's not illegal per se for them to physically discipline a child in their family. Esp considering the schools, who are neither parent, or step parent, do still use corporal punishment in lots of areas.
I always found that quite to the schools advantage, too...they didn't let me contribute to my stepdaughter's education via conferences, but it was quite okay for me to be called to pick her up when she was sick, or had one of her many infestations of head lice and they couldn't reach her mother. The last time they called me, I was at work...and I said, "Sorry, can't do it. I'm at work 30 miles away...besides, I'm only her stepmother anyway, and ya'll have made it very clear that what I say and do has no significance or bearing or power where you're concerned. So, why are you even calling me?" Her mother had to leave her job (only 5 miles from the school) to pick her up, and let me tell you, she called my husband to gripe about having to leave work, because of ME refusing to pick up THEIR daughter. And that's just ONE incident. (See? I told you not to get me started! :-) )

Jenni - posted on 08/23/2011

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A step parent is considered a non-guardian unless they've adopted the child. In some areas it's illegal and considered assault to spank a child that is not your own. So it's the legality that can be an issue if the other bio parent doesn't agree with that form of discipline. But like I said, if both bios agree (or one isn't in the picture) on spanking then there shouldn't be any problem with it.



But I think I may have misread your post. So there might have been some confusion on my part.

Michelle - posted on 08/23/2011

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Well, the title of the thread is "Would you let your S/O to hit your kids? " not a 'non-guardian'. So, yeah, I think the issue is JUST that.
And yeah, the length of time a step has been around should be taken into consideration. My hubs and I had been married for over six years before he spanked my daughter. He was heavy handed with his own..but respected mine and my ex's wishes that he not do that with our daughter without our permission.
And about my stepdaughter...she's all grown up now, so it's water under the bridge...but while we did try to discipline her without spanking, it didn't work. Don't even get me started on that kid. She's 22 now, and not so bad..but still....

Jenni - posted on 08/23/2011

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I don't think it's an issue of not trusting your SO to discipline your children. The issue is allowing a non-guardian to 'spank' your child. As long as both BIO parents are in agreement on what form of discipline is being used. It shouldn't be an issue. Or if a bio isn't in the picture.

Also how long the step parent has been in the children's lives and their relationship with the children should be taken into consideration.

But it is possible to discipline the non-bio child without spanking them.

Michelle - posted on 08/23/2011

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I didn't physically discipline my stepdaughter, although I had permission from both my hubs and his ex to do so. I just didn't feel it was right--but it was MY decision.
My husband doesn't have carte blanche to hit my kid. He DOES have the right to discipline her, though. He has spanked her only once--and it was the last spanking she ever got-- and it was WITH both my and my ex's permission. He's been her step since she was two years old, and is much as a father to her as my ex--if not more so. My ex is the 'fun dad'...it's her step that is there 24/7 to nurse her through illnesses, crushes, broken hearts..the normal highs and lows of every day life.
Is he the exception? I don't think so...I see the same in my brother in law and my niece. I think if women would let up on the control and let their husbands have a little more say in the way the kids are disciplined, that bond would be there with most stepdads. If you chose a decent one, that is. I mean, if you don't respect your S/O enough to trust him or her with your kid, how can you expect your kid to respect them at all...and why in the hell did you marry them in the first place?

[deleted account]

i think that it depends on the situation. i wouldn't feel comfortable spanking another person's child, but if all parties are in agreement over it then i don't see a problem if they want to.

Jesica - posted on 08/23/2011

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It depends on the situation. If the step-parent is one of the main parental figures in the house, they hould have the same rightsas the Bio parent. By having a different set of rules for each parent, you are teaching your child that they can do what they want when you are not around because your spouse cannot punish them. I have 3 step- children ages 10, 14, and 20...I have 3 biological children ages 9,12, and 13. We have been raising them (with the other parents) since the youngest were 9 months and 17 months old. ALL of the parents have the same rules and we all back each other up when it comes to groundngs, rules, ETC.

Krista - posted on 08/23/2011

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Sherri's right. In all state statutes, it's legal for a person acting in loco parentis to use corporal punishment.

Hell, in Washington State, it's still legal to SHAKE children, as long as they're older than 3.

Barf.

Sherri - posted on 08/23/2011

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In the US it is not. I know here at least if the parent that is living with the s/o gives permission it is absolutely fine. Not both parents just the one they are associated with.

Jenni - posted on 08/23/2011

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@Sherri, I'm not sure about the laws in the US or by state. But in Canada it is illegal and considered assault for a non-guardian to spank a child.



Now of course, proving it in a court of law would be difficult. But yes, it is admissable in court along with any other situation that would be deemed harmful or dangerous. Providing proof however, tends to be difficult. Short of them leaving marks on the child, or the child being old enough to speak for themselves. Or involving CAS.

Sherri - posted on 08/23/2011

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Well doing daycare I have dealt with many many divorced parents some that have an amazing relationship and others that didn't speak. Plus my sister and cousin that were ugly custody and divorce battles.

The one thing they all had in common however, is they all knew they never had a say as to what occurred in each others homes on those days. Whether they agreed or not and a lot of times they didn't agree what so ever, but they didn't have a leg to stand on. Dad's riding on motorcycles with there young ones with no helmet, in the car with no car seat. They couldn't say a word and unless it could be proven in court there was nothing they could do. One parent spanking another not and vehemently opposing it. It didn't matter the courts said no parent can dictate what happens in the other home as unless it was life threatening the courts wouldn't even hear the case.

This is how I know that if one parent spanks and allows their new wife/husband to spank as well it is irrelevant that the other parent doesn't approve. They can not dictate what happens in the ex's home. My friends husband took my friend to court and the husband was scolded in court and forced to apologize for wasting the courts time.

So although I have personally not experienced it. I have witnessed it, sadly more times then I can count.

Jodi - posted on 08/23/2011

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@ Sherri....so you really can't answer the OP with any level of understanding then, can you? Only from your ideal world of where all exes get along with each other, both WANT a relationship with the child, AND they agree in parenting. It's ideal, but rare.

And my apologies Sherri, I was pretty sure at one point you had mentioned that you were already pregnant with your oldest when you met your current husband. My bad.

Sherri - posted on 08/23/2011

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@Jodi I can't answer that "do I trust my ex?" as I don't have an ex. My husband is the father to all of my children.

Jay - posted on 08/23/2011

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No matter what way you are related to a child I don't think you should ever hit them!!
It has been proven to make children more violent and forget what the punishment was for as the focus on the fact that they have been hit by someone so much bigger and stronger than they are. It makes kids feel that when they are bigger they can hit people who are smaller than they are! Don't believe in it, never will x

Julie - posted on 08/23/2011

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I totally agree with u i am separated i met someone and he had no time atall for my oldest out of three girls at first i Dident relise as i Dident think it was possible for an adult to hate a child and am sure he always Tryed getting her in trouble he would have loved to scelp her i think i could see it in him so i got rid as there own father Dident hit. i dont think scelping and hitting are different and dont beleve it works ether protect our children.

Amanda - posted on 08/22/2011

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There are lots of things I wouldn't trust anyone else to handle where my son is concerned. I don't trust my ex or all his choices which is why he is an ex. Like I said earlier Baby Grace's dad trusted that his ex and her choices too and Baby Grace paid for that trust.

Sherri - posted on 08/22/2011

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No but you should be expected to trust your ex and your ex's decisions as to what goes on in his house while your children are there.

Stifler's - posted on 08/22/2011

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That's what I mean. Why have a discipline style that only certain people can participate in and others can't. If you can't trust someone else to smack your children then why would you smack them yourself.

Jodi - posted on 08/22/2011

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Emma, I didn't choose my ex's girlfriend, should I be expected to trust her?

Stifler's - posted on 08/22/2011

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I don't really understand the concept of being with someone you can't trust to discipline your kids. Or having a discipline style that only certain people can participate in despite living under the same roof. But carry on.

Amanda - posted on 08/22/2011

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@ Emma no one has said a step parent can't discipline the children. What has been said is they don't have a right to hit a child which is not biologically theirs.

Jodi - posted on 08/22/2011

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I don't either Emma, but maybe they are just answering the OP, which is specifically asking about physical discipline, when they say no it isn't ok.

Stifler's - posted on 08/22/2011

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I don't understand all you people saying your partner can't discipline the kids if he's not their bio parent. So if you're not home and one of the kids is doing naughty stuff he can't send them to time out or say anything to them about it? Or do you only consider smacking them the discipline?

Nellie - posted on 08/22/2011

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Spanking is one thing that I don't approve of, but if the S/O is helping to support them, then he has the right to help discipline them.

Lotte - posted on 08/22/2011

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my boyfriend and i agreed that with our own child due in december we would limit spanking to one and one only as we both understand how easily discipline can fly out of control.
as for my own kids he knows it's not his place and he's never threatened to spank them or spanked them behind my back. I don't think I'd let him either...at any point. th'ey're just not his kids. I also watch him like a hawk for how he talks to them, what I'm comfortable with and I do be careful not to undermine him or 'chime in' my two cents when i'ts not necessary. if he saw first and he's already voicing his concern, i feel its too overwhelming for the kids for us both to be on their backs. in short we take turns and we give eachother feedback, but he knows they are mine. I don't keep a close mind to his opinion though, but I do keep my position as their mother, and he the supporting role. we do our best to communicate our concerns around the kids and I look to him for support, and it seems we're already doing the same for our own baby. I was worried when before I was pregnant he said I am the man I should be the disciplinarian but then we had that 'one spank' conversation and I was happy he involved me in the discussion. I've simply never had a man actually wanting to be involved in the discipline aspect before.

Amanda - posted on 08/22/2011

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@Jeanie Green I don't agree that people should not get remarried until their kids are grown. there are people who separate and divorce with small babies why should they have to wait 18 years to be married.

Meriona - posted on 08/22/2011

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I definitely agree, having had an extremely mean stepfather who not only beat my mother, but also us kids. I got it with a razor strap and horsewhip for things that weren't even my fault. I would never let anyone other than my husband or myself spank my kids and they grew up to be wonderful Christian parents, though they did spank their kids growing up which is different than beating.

[deleted account]

I totally agree, Jodi... and I'm NOT anti-spanking. ;)



Since I have full legal and physical custody of my kids... I have a feeling I could make a court issue of it if my ex or his wife ever spanked my kids (and I certainly would). When my kids are w/ them (only a few times/year)... the kids had BETTER treat their father and stepmother w/ some respect, but you DON'T have to spank to accomplish respect and you DON'T have to spank in order to dscipline or punish.



Even though I am not anti-spanking.... I would not now marry anyone who felt they would have the right or need to spank one of my kids. There are other ways to handle situations. If a kid is only spanked on rare occasion.... they won't walk all over a parental figure JUST because that parental figure can't spank them. I would assume that you would only run into that problem if spanking is your first line of 'defense' and if that's the case.... you've got a lot more potential for all kinds of issues.

Diane - posted on 08/22/2011

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Hum, what is a s/o or step to do? Fall back on the wait tell your Mom or Dad get home?

Cidalia - posted on 08/22/2011

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Children don't need to be spanked, they need to be loved. And the only to disipline thechild is the biological parent. How would the boyfriend/girlfriend like to be hit by a stranger?

Krista - posted on 08/22/2011

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Kristi, not necessarily. As in my post below, my mom did the disciplining, but we knew that my step-dad backed her 100%. So while he didn't DO the disciplining, we knew that if we stepped out of line, he would act as her proxy. So we never tried to play him like that.

Krista - posted on 08/22/2011

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Christy, I think you have a good point. In my household, my mom was the disciplinarian. My stepdad sat back and let her have that role, and would only say something if we were being disrespectful to her. Mind you, we also knew that he backed her up 100% on discipline and that there was no point trying to play them off against each other. So it was silent, but it was still consistent, if you know what I mean. It wasn't a case of her being the hardass and him being the pushover.

In cases where it's a stepmother and bio-father, that can be tougher, from what I've seen. The stepmom does usually wind up having to involve herself in the day-to-day "Clean your room!"-style discipline. So in those cases, it really is crucial that both parents are on the same page. I've seen too many situations where the dad and stepmom agree on discipline, the stepmom meters out the discipline, and the dad backtracks and undermines her, setting up a situation where you've got the kids and the dad against the stepmom.

It's not easy, that's for certain. Which is why I think that spanking should be utterly off the table for blended families. There's just too much potential for misunderstandings and things being used against the stepparent.

Kristi - posted on 08/22/2011

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I think if you don't give a s/o (as long as we're speaking of long term s/o, not someone who's only been in the picture less than a year or so) the ability to discipline then that gives the kid a nice outlet to do what they please because they aren't going to be reprimanded for it.

Christy - posted on 08/22/2011

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I just know that my husband was raised by his mom and stepdad. His mom was the disciplinarian. That is their personalities anyway, his stepdad is really easy going, laid back. My mother-in-law always said that she felt like Hattie the Witch and he was Mr. Goodbar. But it worked out well for them because they love him as much as their bio dad that they only saw on vacations and holidays. They love their mom, definitely, but I think that she took the role of disciplining the kids and let him be a friend helped their relationship. A lot of kids resent the step because they miss and are mad at the bio that's not there, but take it out on the one that is there. He told them that he didn't want to take their dad's place, he wasn't their dad, but he wanted to be their friend and it worked for them. I know that my husband wanted his parents to get back together until he was an adult, he says he always had that hope and he tried to hate his step b/c he was in the way. The fact that he never even raised his voice and was always patient with them made it hard for them to not like him and give him a chance. Like I said, that is just his personality anyway, but I definitely think that it made the relationship work. I think it would be harder for a stepmom, because a stepdad, generally speaking (stereotypically speaking) doesn't spend as much time with the kids as a stepmom. My father-in-law worked a lot and so when he was home he wanted to have fun and get along. He wasn't the one in charge of homework, chores, etc.

Karen - posted on 08/22/2011

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corporeal punishment IS the bio parents place, but ev1 should b on the same page. we NEVER spsnked out of anger, and always were very clear w/our daughter about why she was getting spanked. shes an adult now, but can count on 1 hand how many times we spanked her

Christy - posted on 08/22/2011

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Definitely! I wouldn't spank someone else's child if I was babysitting. When it's not your child, you don't have that right. I know that it's hard in step families, but that is just going to make it harder, cause more resentment. I choose not to spank my children, my husband and I agree on this, but if we weren't together and some other adult (or one of their aunts or grandparents or anyone watching my children) does not have the right to make that decision. The bio parent should deal with punishment. They can discuss rules and all agree on them and what the consequences are. And I don't think that kids should be able to do whatever they want, but the bio parent should be the disciplinarian. And if the bio parent is not really involved, then they should be or let the other parent have the child. No one loves your kid like you do and descipline needs to be balanced with love or it's just abuse.

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