You can't divorce a husband and then say a boyfriend is selfish for not caring about your kids

Jeremy - posted on 04/29/2015 ( 7 moms have responded )

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If you really care about the mental and physical health of your children...you need to stay married. No it's not easy and you have problems you think are unsolvable. But %70 of America thinks they have unsolvable problems that require divorce. And they are all fixable problems. If you get a divorce from a good father then you are the selfish one, because you are not divorcing him for the kids. You are doing it for you. And YES that is a selfish reason. And when you get your new "boyfriend" he will NOT be the father you are now giving your children. And you have no right to expect any other man to replace a child's father just because YOU want to make a selfish choice.

I apologies for the forward nature of this but really, it's a huge choice. And a lot of America seems delusional about the consequences.

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Cutemommy - posted on 04/29/2015

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depends on how hard you are trying in the marriage once you have exhausted all your efforts than it is time to leave. Staying together for the kids sometimes hurts the kids more than leaving. Every situation is different and I do understand you logic. Divorce is becoming more common but the efforts need to be made before children and before marriage. You can't build a castle on quick sand. Many people are having children and feeling obligated to marry people that are not right for them. People need to consider their life before bringing children or another person into it.

Michelle - posted on 04/29/2015

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I don't agree with staying with someone when you are miserable. Yes, I agree that you should work at a marriage but sometimes there is no choice to leave.
My Grandmother's parents weren't happy in their marriage and she told me it was a very unhappy home to grow up in. They divorced when all the children left home.
I divorced my 1st husband and I won't go into all the details here but there was no way to repair my marriage. I have since married another man who treats me like every woman deserves to be treated. He loves my children from my 1st marriage just as much as our own. He hasn't replaced their Father though as we do shared care so they spend equal time in both houses. My husband would do anything for those children so saying that a boyfriend won't care for your children is completely wrong.
I am happier now than 10 years ago and the children know that. They love my husband as well.

Jodi - posted on 04/29/2015

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"If you really care about the mental and physical health of your children...you need to stay married."

That is total bullshit. A bad marriage, where parents are unhappy, or maybe there is abuse, is actually not healthy for your children. Some children fare better mentally and physically when their parents are apart. Do the research.

"And they are all fixable problems."

That is total bullshit. Not all problems are fixable.

"And when you get your new "boyfriend" he will NOT be the father you are now giving your children. And you have no right to expect any other man to replace a child's father just because YOU want to make a selfish choice."

You are absolutely right. HOWEVER, the title of your post talks about a boyfriend not "caring" about your kids. Personally I wouldn't be with someone who doesn't care about my kids, because that is an important part of any new relationship. Of course that person would never replace the father - the children would still have their father. Just not living under the same roof as their mother. But a new partner should care about the children. After all, even though not the father, they are still going to play a significant role in the children's lives.

Ev - posted on 04/29/2015

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I have to disagree with staying with the husband for the sake of the children. Children can pick up on the parent's moods without being told what that is. Tension can be felt by others or noticed in other ways. Tension can lead to health problems too. Not all problems in a marriage are fixable. Do you think its okay for people to stay in an abusive situation? Do you think its okay for people to force another to stay with them just because? Not all situations can be fixed. Not all fathers or mothers for that matter are good people. I was married for 12 years to one man and we had kids. One day he was the one that walked out with his belongings. Barely six months later we were divorced. Why? He never gave me anymore reason why than he was done with me and did not love me anymore. I could not force him to stay with me nor could I make him go get counseling. He had offered to do that before things got real bad but the way he put it to me was in a hateful manner. I had tried years before to get him to do the same thing but I was not about to put myself in a counseling session where he blamed me for all that went wrong in the marriage. He had done things too. But it was also not healthy for the children to see us at odds and feel it as well. I think you need to go back and rethink this through. Not all marriages can be saved.

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Ev - posted on 04/29/2015

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I did not enter an opinion on the "boyfriend not caring about the children" because that is not something I know about personally. My kids had step moms and I know how it went through them. But still I am not posting on that aspect of this post. I just wanted it known that not all marriages are fixed and everything is happy go lucky after that.

Raye - posted on 04/29/2015

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I will agree, though, that another man cannot "replace" the kids natural father. However, a step parent can be a loving contributor to the family. Sounds like you got a raw deal and you're angry. But all you can do now is make the best of the situation and try to be there for your kids as much as you can. Don't make waves with the ex, because that will end up hurting the kids too. Find your own happy.

Raye - posted on 04/29/2015

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What brought this all up? Were you trying to reply to someone else's post instead of creating a new conversation?

I have to disagree that you should stay in a relationship "for the sake of the kids" if you're unhappy. Yes, you should try to solve your problems and save the marriage if you can, but sometimes they are not fixable. Wouldn't it be better for the kids to see their parents happy being apart than be miserable being together?

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