You're The Boss...but I am your Partner

Desperate Wife - posted on 01/03/2013 ( 2 moms have responded )

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Dear Fellow Moms, I am a 38 year old SAHM and a new wife who is new in NYC. Before this big life changing leap, I used to be a workaholic, whose life, friends, extracurricular activities all evolved in my workplace. When my husband and I decided to settle, I had to leave all that and adapt to the new culture, weather, lifestyle coming from a sunny country in Asia. Our only daughter a wonderful gift to us but my husband would pertain to her as an accident. We both didn't plan for my pregnancy and it was way too early for our relationship for a lot of drastic change. Abortion was never in my vocabulary. When I found out that I was pregnant, I instantly love the life I am bearing. My husband and I got officially got married 3 months after we got pregnant. I don't know if he married me because of my pregnancy but he never really wanted a kid, never wanted to be married, but amidst all that, he proposed to me with a ring and we tied the knot. I felt so lonely being away from home and just staying at home in those 9 months. Before our daughter was born, I was struggling with my husband's attitude about marriage since he has been single for decades of his life and am until now in total shock of the major changes that he had to make to be a family man. Twas a roller coaster ride and I say a traumatic one since the trust in the relationship was challenged at the early part of our marriage. We were newlyweds and I was a month before giving birth. My husband gave me a before the baby vacation in Montauk. It was all great until he went out to run and his mobile that he left in our hotel room alarmed. I had to turn off the alarm when I accidentally saw an open text trail. I guess, I was wrong to read it and my husband blamed me for crossing the boundary of privacy. I read the text message of my husband’s best friend (the guy who introduced and bridged the two of us) as he responded to my husband’s message bragging that a hot naked woman is grinding on top of his lap and he is getting a boner at it. My husband described the stripper’s looks, her race and her background as a modern dancer in a troupe and he told his best friend that he will come back to see her again the following night. This exchange was during his for the boys only twice a year baseball trip with his close friends who are also married and his brother. He told me that these trips are sacred tradition that they keep to catch up with his brother and close friends. No negotiation. So I have no way to say no to it. The fact that I know his buddies and their wives and he said that it is just all about baseball, I never thought that it would include a trip to a strip club or a fling date with a stripper. Perhaps my pride was stepped on, the pain of betrayal and my pregnancy hormones. Before our marriage, I had been fighting with past flings and prostitutes that continuously communicate with my husband behind my back. My husband told me that he is ready to settle and whatever he did in the past were his past as a single guy. When my husband returned from his run, I confronted him in tears, I cried while I pull his shirt asking why he would lie and do such a thing when we are about to have our family. What I found out had destroyed the trust I had in his words and I recalled how great he was when he lied straight to my face when he said they never went to a strip club. It also affected my friendship to his best friend. After knowing that I read his text message, since he would tend to tell me that I am just using a baseless accusation, my emotions were retaliated by curses of my husband and anger since I read his text message. My husband pushed me to the bed out of anger and when I stood up, he slapped me repeatedly and gripped my neck on the sofa. He was literally on top of my belly. He did not feel sorry. For him, I was wrong to read his cell phone and he retaliated because I was the first to touch him when I pulled his shirt while asking for his explanation. He even exaggerated our confrontation saying that I slapped him in the face that’s why he slapped me repeatedly, pushed me to the bed and tried to choke me. We drove to our house with silence. I was so lost on what I should do since I am pregnant and away from my family. I was crying in silence in the car, I can’t believe that my husband hurt me physically and didn’t even consider that I have a baby in my belly. I was also worried if my baby was ok since he is heavy and he put his weight on top of me. When we got home, I told him that I need to go back to my country. Since he didn’t really plan on having the baby, I expressed my decision to just raise the kid alone in my country since there was still that career waiting for me in a great company. I have been independent since I was in High school, I managed to support my brother in College before I left them in my country, I know I can raise our kid alone. He said, I must think and be practical. He said that it is his kid too, that NY has the best hospitals and his insurance will cover for my expenses when I give birth. He said at least give birth here and decide later. He said that I have all the right to walk away with what he did to me. He blamed me for what he did. Told me that he was an ex wrestler but he never laid hand on any woman in his life. I am the only one. My husband’s solution to the trust issue was to put a lock on his mobile phone. He said that I must respect his private life.

The first 2 months after our child’s birth was not a smooth ride. My husband doesn’t want us to move to the other room but he gets really mad whenever the baby cries. I doubted him and interrogated him about his whereabouts and it piss him off that I needed to ask him questions. He said that he is the king and the boss. He earns the bread, I should know my place and I should not be in his way. He always tell me that he will divorce me if I bother him. He said that I am not his mother. I told him that I am his wife. If he is not happy committing and he can’t live with having 1 woman to be intimate with and he wants to wander around with various women like what he used to, I told him to pursue divorce. He said, he will file for divorce when it is the right time. The second incident that he laid his hands on me was when my baby was already 10 months old. This time, when he slapped me in front of my baby because I shouted back when he shouted at me after accusing me of locking the gate that I never even knew had a lock, when he got home tipsy from late at night out with a friend, I immediately dialed 911. The police came. I was asked if I wanted him arrested, I told them to just ask him to leave the house and I also wrote a statement of what happened. This made my husband really mad at me and he tortured me by blocking my phone calls and being gone for almost 3 days. I still love him, being the only family I have here, it’s never easy to decide to divorce. Until now, he would punish me by not making love with me and calling me words whenever I ask him questions on his whereabouts or if he is still communicating with past women. He is a kind man when in a good mood. He would bring me to his company affairs and some of his international travels that would include the wives since he is a powerful man. I enjoy seeing new places and meeting people since I am a born traveler and I have been a youth ambassador to my country in my teenage years. What I feel sad about is when he treats me like an employee, he briefs me on what to do and who to talk with in a gathering or what to talk about. If I get too close to people or if a prominent figure would compliment my remarks, he would criticize me after the event and would tell me that I should never speak since I am not important. He makes me feel that talking to big people is something new to me and I should feel lucky to experience it, when deep inside me, I am not so astounded and I naturally treat people equally with respect, a royalty or a beggar, a king or a janitor. With my active political involvement in my youth, his world was so familiar and something that I grew up doing. It is lonely that behind my smiles, the image that I project, deep inside me is a desperate woman who only wanted a complete family and a faithful husband.

The name calling evolved to why I am Catholic, that Catholics are stupid and that debate ruined our first New Year’s eve as a family. I walked out and took my baby to the mall since I can’t stop debating when my Faith is being questioned. He told me that I am a looser and I have a provincial thinking. He referred to it as a person from Tennessee. He said I will never be a CEO like him since I am just a clerk from the third world. When I tried doing something interesting, and became a blues singer here in NYC, after our Bitter End gig, he said that my band and I are non-sense and he doesn’t like our songs. This recent New Year, we did not do anything because he doesn’t want to. HE said that he wanted to go to bars and party with people but he can’t do it because I get jealous. He would talk to waitresses like I am not there. The only missing part is when he gets the waitress’ number…and it will be a perfect pick up scenario. Our baby is witness for his filthy words, telling me I am a C-NT, a F*** and all other dirty words available in the English language. Being a non –native speaker though I can express myself in English, it is already a struggle to express my thoughts. He worst is when he never listen. HE asks me a question but he answers it. When we are ok and everything is great, he would point to an object and tell me something about it and then he would shift to another topic entirely different from the last. He would ask me to dress up to a holiday gathering for business and I would take effort to look amazing so he would be proud and still complete the chores at home and the prepping of the baby before I leave it to our friend who baby sits her, as soon as I get to our meeting place, he will be in an angry face and would ask me to wait for an hour. I ask him if I look Ok, he will say, it’s ordinary, old fashioned or it’s normal. Even when everyone in the event would tell me I look great. I am maintaining my slim body and I will go the extra mile to look pleasant each time he comes home. I am doing that so he would realize that he doesn’t need to shop around for women, that he has a beautiful family, an amazing wife to does the handy man and tech jobs of a man for him, who helps him when he needed, who massages him and cooks him a meal. I feel stupid, I know I am not but he looks at me that way because I am not working. He justifies his actions because he provides. I don’t know how long I can keep up with his views on a wife. He blames me on everything, he said he used to run everyday, go to a bar after work, mingle with his friends all the time, now he can’t do it. He said I keep him from seeing his family even when I am the one who tells him to check his mom who is in her 80s. He blames me if he is not number 1 in earnings among the partners of the firm. When in a good mood, he will say that I am a good mother and it is not easy to live with him. When we have a small argument, he would threat me with divorce and will tell me to pack my bags and leave immediately or he will destroy me. HE shut me down. I would just cry to my mom in skype. My mom wanted to talk to him to ask him to return me there if this is how he treated me. Since he shifts his mind to wanting to be single and wanting a family in a snap whenever he sees a divorced friend dating a new woman or whenever I ask him details about an overnight trip. He is a good provider. Although he never trust me with finances. He gives me a birthday money but would ask me where I used it. We never had a joint account or anything like that like other couples. I never planned my own wedding even my daughter’s first birthday. When I thought that was the woman’s role, he always want to be in control. Our marriage’s main theme is….my husband is the boss, to the point of a required presentation of pros and cons, comparative pricing analysis, features and benefits even when the baby would just need a stroller. I like that we live a simple life even when he earns a lot. But sometimes, It is hard that we had to wait for his mom to use the car before we can use it just because he doesn’t want one. Like him, I am practical too so I would buy an ebay used product and reconstruct it and it would appear fab. His circle thinks that I am so lucky to marry the ultimate successful bachelor that many of the women sight for and they revered. Because of our age gap, they think I am the typical Asian woman who engaged in a mail to order bride perspective. They didn’t know that he is the lucky one to have a resilient partner. Pardon for my long narrative. I want to know how I will correct my husband’s notion that he is supreme than me. I wanted us to be equal. I want respect. I respect him, I understand my role as a woman coming from a very patriarchal society. You would never see my husband wash the dishes, though he washes the clothes because he thinks I might waste the electricity and water if I do it and I might do it all the time. I wanted him to understand that a wife is half of him. A husband and wife are one. He said that I am just a small part of his life . I am not his life. Maybe that’s right. Maybe I am wrong to make my family my life.

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Michelle - posted on 01/03/2013

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I only read the 1st paragraph but I would leave. He's an abusive guy that doesn't deserve to be loved.

Also yes, a marriage is a partnership and we have moved out of the 50's where the women did everything. I honestly think you need to get out.

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