Young Adults at Weddings and Miscommunication

Julie - posted on 03/25/2014 ( 6 moms have responded )

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I am one to follow etiquette, but feel perplexed on what has just occurred. Ten months ago it was mentioned that my niece was having a "Destination" wedding, but it was going to be small. A month later after finding out over 80 people from the groom's family were coming from overseas, the bride's mother said at an intimate dinner at a restaurant (14 people) that EVERYONE was invited. She asked if we were thinking of coming (with our 13 year old next to me). I said we were, but had to check about whether our daughter was attending sleep away camp or not (logistically if she went to camp, the drop off day would of been the same day as the wedding). I'm hosting a bridal shower (for over 35 people) and our daughter is not on the invitee list? This makes it extremely awkward, since we our hosting the bridal shower at OUR house, and the bride is inviting four Flower children (ages 6-11) to the event. Yes... that's 4 Flower Children! It isn't fair to tell our child (whom will be 14 then) to stay in her room and rude to tell her to find something to do since she heard herself "everyone is invited to the wedding". I am concerned about my daughter's hurt feelings and what to say to her. I understand weddings expenses can get out of control, but on the other hand... why have a destination wedding for 180 people? My daughter's feelings count more to me than etiquette at this point. What should I do (I certainly will not mention anything to the Bride's mother) ? Thanks.

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 03/26/2014

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Definitely understand the need to vent, Julie! Have you asked your daughter how she feels?

She may be more inclined to have a daddy/daughter time, rather than hang around adults. But, all in all, sounds like you're handling things well. It is so frustrating, though that sometimes our extended families don't realize the impact of their actions on the kids.

Julie - posted on 03/25/2014

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The bride's mother said "everyone was invited to the wedding (2 seats away from our daughter).

Yes my name is on the List of Attendees name with a hyphen "-Host".

I originally was on the fence about going since it's a 3 day affair at a 5 star resort, if my teen could not attend (she would be bored sitting around the hotel room). It's not like when she was younger when we hired a babysitter/kids club to do an activity or walk her around the grounds.

Thanks for responding, just needed a little venting! In the scheme of things (life in general) it's really not a big deal... just want to avoid making her feel 2nd rate. I guess I can say... "Oh, it really is going to be boring and I changed my mind... we're probably not also doing a fondue (Maid of Honor asked me to make it). I'll find a play or timed activity that her Dad just happened to get at the same time as the Shower... so no big deal... go with Dad!

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 03/25/2014

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If bride said 'everyone' was invited to wedding, that is the wedding portion. Bride provided a list of guests she wished at her shower, so I don't think its an oversight.

However, if you really think of it, she probably didn't 'invite' the flower girls...she probably put them on the list because their mothers are good friends of hers and they are in the wedding party as well. And, perhaps, bride felt that a 13 YO would not want to attend...after all, teens generally don't.

Ok, I do have to ask...you're hosting the party. Is YOUR name also on the list of invitees? If not, I'd say she assumed that both you and your daughter would be there, as you are hosting. Call brides' mother, tell her you were planning on having your 13 YO help out. If she's got a problem, she can tell you then, giving you plenty of time to back out of your hosting duties gracefully.

Personally, I don't 'do' destination weddings. If a person REALLY cared about their loved ones attending their wedding, they wouldn't make it a financial burden to do so. Also, I'm one of those that (when my kids were younger) if the kids couldn't go, we didn't go.

Julie - posted on 03/25/2014

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Both. I don't think it was an oversight, because the Shower Attendee List shows my Sister-in-law's (whom 's a cohost) 2 daughters (college age) separately on the list. I also just received the updated list with 3 additional names to add to the list and one to subtract, so the list has been gone over a second time. On top of it all I planned for my daughter to help with the shower... she was to help with the gift sandals on the covered porch when guests arrived (themed party) and play music on her Iphone. Also, while presents were being opened she was to set up the fondue. So it's really... what do I say to her? My husband had planned on playing the piano for the 1st half hour, so when I ask him to take my daughter somewhere he will feel put out. I will have to have the food he was picking up delivered as well. I really feel my sister (bride's mother) should of called me MONTHS ago to tell me she needed to cut down on the list and that she made an error on her part, then things would of been fine. She left it up to me to scour the list to find out!

Jodi - posted on 03/25/2014

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I'm confused. Are you saying your daughter is not on the wedding list or the list of the bridal shower? I would suggest that it was an oversight for the bridal shower and would be easily fixed.

Patricia - posted on 03/25/2014

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I would ask if it is ok for my daughter to attend it cuts down confusion and communication. The mother may presume she's coming because it's at your home.

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