Young bonus mom in need of advice

Kara - posted on 10/31/2015 ( 9 moms have responded )

3

0

1

I am a young bonus mom of 21. I currently do not have any children with my boyfriend expect his 2 year old daughter. Bio mom and I have been on okay terms with each other except recently when my bonus daughter stared calling me MommyK (my first name). We never taught her this my boyfriend and his family always call me by my first name and refer to me by my first name with her. I will admit it was an honoring feeling for her to call me this. We talked about it and was unsure of where she came up with it. It was our weekend again and she was still calling me mommyK . She went home and the next weekend we had her, bio mom confronted my boyfriend saying it is inappropriate for her to be calling me mommyk. My boyfriend explained that we only call me by my first name and she decided to call me mommyk on her own. Bio mom was beyond mad at this point and said she does not allow it at her house. During our weekend with her I was in the kitchen cooking and she approaches me and says "mommy, can I call you that ?" so I say "yes, you can call me whatever you want." she says "okay mommyk." When my boyfriend took her home that weekend bio mom said that we are not disciplining properly and handed my boyfriend a book and rudely stated "you should read this or go to parenting meetings, to learn to discipline our daughter properly." My boyfriend didnt take the book. I understand we should be on the same grounds for disciplining but she was pretty rude about it. I've read about other bonus moms reaching out to the bio mom. Is it my time to shoot an email asking about rules they have at home? So we can all be on the same grounds or its this a no no no.!?

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Jodi - posted on 10/31/2015

3,562

36

3907

I'm a bit confused as to how she thinks you aren't disciplining correctly when this post is merely about what the child calls you.

Anyway, no, you shouldn't be emailing bio mum about anything. It's not your place. That is dad's place. And if it is only about what the child calls you, there is a different way to handle it.

Perhaps, given bio mum's wishes, when the child asks if she can call you mommy, you can just explain that you aren't really her mommy and she probably should call you Kara. I get that you think it should be up to the child (I do too), BUT if it is going to cause conflict, you need to handle that differently. If you continue to reinforce the message that she can call you mommyk, her mother will continue to be upset with you and it could create a hostile co-parenting environment. There is no harm in gently correcting her. There IS harm in her mother going off her head over what she calls you. So I would suggest going the path that is least harmful to the child.

9 Comments

View replies by

MaryAnn - posted on 11/01/2015

347

0

17

I would be extremely careful about reaching out. It should always be a genuine, sincere attempt to bond as a child's family... And should NOT be done when she clearly has no intention of bonding like that with you.
She has no authority to make rules at your home. Your home is your home, and while it is also the child's home, it is the childs home with dad.
It would be wonderful if they had the same rules and the same discipline... But really, they do not need to. Children are smart and can easily understand that different places have different rules, different people have different expectations of them. The fact that she handed him a book suggests that she doesnt respect either of you as parents... And that's her issue. Not your boyfriends, and certainly not yours. Your boyfriend needs to make his own decision about it. He can attend meetings or he could decide whats going on is working.

Dove - posted on 10/31/2015

12,120

0

1353

Sorry Sarah... I have to disagree w/ you there. My stepnephew was 2.5 when my brother got involved w/ his mother and from the DAY my nephew met my brother he started calling him Daddy Chris... and no one could figure out where he came up w/ it from.

Sarah - posted on 10/31/2015

9,604

0

22

I am sorry but I still don't buy it,, if you are always Kara, and not MommyKara, she would not say it on her own. The rest of it is for your boyfriend and her mother to wok out. If you don't want to be called MommyKara, then flat out tell her my name is Kara, and don't answer her otherwise. She is 2, even if she is pushing 3, she is not at the developmental level to combine the names; someone did it for her. Who? i have no idea and I am not making accusations, but you cannot put it on the child.
Where do you suppose she learned it? If your position is: "I figured she learned it somewhere I just don't know where because between the two of us I am alway referred to as "Kara". not "mommy" or "mommy Kara"."

Kara - posted on 10/31/2015

3

0

1

I figured she learned it somewhere I just don't know where because between the two of us I am alway referred to as "Kara". not "mommy" or "mommy Kara".
I wasn't sure if I should talk directly with bio mom to see what ground rules are at her house or talk to my boyfriend to talk to her regarding be ground rules.
I can politely correct her I don't mind that. I have just been trying to no step on any toes and now feels like I am!

Michelle - posted on 10/31/2015

4,199

8

3246

I agree with the others, especially Sarah. She is 2, she's heard someone call you that.
In regards to the discipline, that's for your BF to sort out the ground rules. He needs to be on the same page as the Mother. She already has a bit of a beef with you so anymore involvement from you will just upset her more.

Sarah - posted on 10/31/2015

9,604

0

22

I agree as well. However, looking at this from a strictly developmental view: No way did this 2 yo come up with this on her own. Unless she heard MommyK, she'd not repeat it. If you want it to stop, then call yourself Kara, have dad, grandma etc call you Kara. If you don't care, then call yourself and have your BF call you whatever as well. The child will follow suit. She is 2 not 5. She did not make this leap on her own.

Dove - posted on 10/31/2015

12,120

0

1353

I agree w/ Jodi on all points. If you KNOW it bothers the mom then you should not be supporting the daughter calling you that whether you see it as no big deal (it really isn't, but that's not the point) or not. Don't make a big deal about it, but do gently correct and remind her because you want things to be as easy on the child as possible.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms