Young step mother needing advice

Amanda - posted on 04/04/2013 ( 2 moms have responded )

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Hi i am a step mother of a 5 year old little boy. I am having such an awful time trying to figure out what my role in his life should b. It is causing such a problem with my marriage and is really confusing him. His parents have not been together since he was born and he has always been shuffled around from grandparents houses to parents. I am having more of a problem with his biological mother. She says awful things to my husband about his parenting or to what she thinks is lack of parenting on his part. She is so mean abotu what she says. I know that she is saying things to my stepson about his father and I. She is constantly making things harder on us and my husband. We have a custody agreement and she hates it. She is always saying things like im taking you back to court over silly things. I dont know how to not let the awful things she does and says affect my husband or me. How do you put all this stuff out of your mind. I have tried and tried to be nice and civil but at this point im done trying. I dont want to hate her but i feel like im getting no where and we have 12 more years to go. We try so hard to do the best thing for his son in everyway. But he is starting to say such awful things to my husband and i. Like i dont love you, Your not ever gonna have any kids of your own, He screams at the top of his lungs when he is in trouble and loses his posessions as a result. Things that he has never done before. Im so sick of crying and my husband being so upset. I dont want him to stop coming but im so upset about it, it seems like its always on my mind. PLEASE HELP!

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Ev - posted on 04/04/2013

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The thing is though that he can not stop coming since there is a court ordered visitation. Who has primary care of him? Is it full or joint custody? And it sounds like its mediation time to set the record straight with his mom on how things should be between households. You do not have to put up with that behavior from him or his mother.

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Kristi - posted on 04/05/2013

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I agree with Evelyn. I've been a stepmom twice. The first time we had behavior issues as well and there was a great deal of parent bashing going on by both mom and dad. I also had some resentment going on towards mom because I felt she was irresponsible and THOUGHT she was a meth head, sex addict.....the irresponsible part was based on my own observations, the other part was what I had been told for quite some time.

We ended up going to family counseling. It really turned things around for "our" daughters and mom and me. My exhusband dropped out early when it became clear he was the source of the problems. The important thing was that the girls finally knew who was really on their side, who they could trust.

I learned that mom was not a meth head. She was kind of messed up, but so was I and we ended up becoming very good friends. The girls ended up doing ok.

The girls were a little older than your stepson. About 6 and 8 or 7 and 9. Our insurance covered everything but the $20 co-pay. Maybe that would work for your family. Even if mom refuses, family and individual for your stepson counseling may still prove to be productive.

He is in definite need of an objective third party who will not judge him or try to persuade him but will help work through his feelings and figure out the real root of his anger and fear and insecurity. I am in no way saying you judge him or bad mouth his mom but he is confused and he is being manipulated by his mother, at least, maybe even grandparents.

I am a firm believer in a good child/family therapist. My daughter also went to one on account of her fuktard of a father. Talk about manipulation! Her counselor was very kind and very helpful.

You need a place to vent also. Someone who will validate your feelings but not add fuel to the fire and keep or get you more worked up.

It would alleviate "complaining" to your hubby as much (even though we'd all be doing the same thing!) It would help prevent friends and/or family that you confide in from building resentment towards your hubby because in their mind they might think he should have more control over his son and he should not tolerate anyone disrespecting and upsetting you this much (as any friend or family member would justifiably do).

Anyways, this obviously just my opinion. I do hope for your family's sake, sanity and success you are able to find an effective, positive solution soon. Many blessings.

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