Young step mum

Ayinalem - posted on 04/01/2015 ( 7 moms have responded )

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So long story short my partner has 2 children to his ex. A 3 year old and a one year old. I am not been dramatic when I say she is crazy.

My circle of friends say I should leave the relationship because it's too stressful etcetera but I don't want to. I love my partner very much and I love the children.

Ah the moment they are starting court proceedings for legalised access time.

But I just wondered if anyone had advice on how to cope with just been a step mum without any kids of my own.

Do I act as a friend to the kids? A parent? An authority figure or do I just keep my mouth shut all together?

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Raye - posted on 04/01/2015

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I am a step-mom, and I have no kids of my own. Let me tell you, you are not going to be equal when dealing with the kids. You can be equal partners in decision making regarding your relationship with your BF. But for raising the kids you won't be equal. Do not try to replace their mother. They have a mother. You can be a mother-figure, but there are some special times in kids lives that should be reserved for the natural parents to handle. Don't purposely take away any "firsts" from the real mom.

Michelle was right about not calling yourself a stepmum until you are married. I understand sometimes it's easier to use that term versus explaining your whole relationship, but as the girlfriend you have less role to play in the kids’ lives than as step-mom. As your BF's partner, your job is to try to develop a good relationship with the kids so they will accept you and respect you.

The real parents need to be the ones to work out the guidelines on how they want the children raised. You should support your boyfriend and try to help guide the kids according to his rules. They should know that you do have authority, if you need to assert it (if the father is not around), and they should respect you and mind you if you are watching them. If they are disrespectful, then tell them you won't tolerate that behavior and send them to their room or walk away, and then let their father know what was happening and discuss how to remedy the situation.

Even as a step-mom, I do not do much disciplining, I leave that to my husband and his ex to deal with. I have taken away things that the kids are fighting over and asked them to behave, pick up their socks, say "please", "thank you", excuse me", etc.. But any punishment in our house is the responsibility of their father.

As for dealing with the baby-mama-drama, I try to be nice to her face. I don't say bad things about her in front of the kids. I do let my husband know my feelings when I think she's out of line, but I tell him I trust him to deal with the situation the way he feels is best for the kids. Although I may not always agree, it’s not my place to contradict his parenting unless it’s something that could be harmful to the kids.

When things get too crazy, I remember "not my circus, not my monkeys" and try to just stay out of it. You should be invested in your BF and his kids’ lives, but it’s okay to step-back and take a breath if things are overwhelming. It's a big adjustment for anyone, and more so if you haven't spent much time around kids before.

Take things slow. Let the relationship grow naturally. Don't try to force the kids to like/love you. Try to be a role model and show by example what the right way to act should be. Be respectful of all people in your life and demand respect for yourself. Let your love for their father show them how a healthy, mature relationship can be so they will hopefully grow to have healthy relationships themselves with their love interests. Don't over-think it, just take each day as it comes.

Michelle - posted on 04/01/2015

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Sorry for being hard, I tend to write things as I think them and don't always read what I have written.
I do get to the point though.

Ayinalem - posted on 04/01/2015

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Hey Michelle,

That was really hard to read but really what I needed.

Thank you. :)

Michelle - posted on 04/01/2015

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Your position is to back up the Father in him disciplining them.
For starters, don't call yourself a stepmum until you are married because you're not. You are Dad's girlfriend.

Why did you have a termination when he has kids to someone else? If he doesn't want you to fall pregnant then he needs to take steps to prevent it, not make you have a termination. Sorry if that's not the case but from what you have said it looks like it.

Ayinalem - posted on 04/01/2015

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Oh I am trying. I am the one who taught him to say please and thank you and I want to try and feel like I am equal but I sadly had a termination with my partner which ( broke my heart)
Will it get easier?

Sabiba Ntiense - posted on 04/01/2015

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JUST BE YOURSELF.....PRETEND THEY' RE YOUR KIDS............GOOD LUCK!

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