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MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Barb - posted on 11/15/2011

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I'm sorry, maybe i've just read one too many posts that only give the information they want to get the answers to justify doing something. I have not read in ONE of your posts, Love, how he is a bad father to the child? I've read several times how he's left you for another woman, how that hurt you and caused you anxiety. I've read that he accuses you of violent acts against him and says you are stalking him.

In all your posts there is an toke of "he's hurt me, how can i hurt him back" and you are getting the answers you want. But this will not make you happy in the long run because this really isn't about you. This is about the unborn child and their rights as a human being. Who are you to take someone's father away?

You are only responsibly for your relationship with your son; and his father is responsible for his relationship with his son. If you don't want him interfering in your relationship, don't interfere in his. He has an absolute right, once this child is born and becomes a person, to be in his life whether you like it or not, because, again, it is NOT about you, it is about what is best for the child, that little human being.

I have to say, i'm more than a little surprised at the quick and flippant way so many people suggest tips and tricks to remove a parent from a child and have to wonder if they would appreciate someone giving their child's other parent such great tips of how to take the child away from them.

You chose him, you chose to have sex with him. And everything was hunky dory until he started sleeping with another woman.

This thread has the whole appearance of vindication and revenge. And that is truly sad for the little human that is going to be born in March.

User - posted on 11/15/2011

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I have to disagree with a lot of the comments. When the child is old enough he will resent the POWERS that were taken from him to be the judge of whether he wants to know his father. Agreed that the visits should be supervised. A baby isn't a baby FOREVER. They become volitile teenagers and REBEL about almost everything. Do not cut him out of your child's life just because you want him out of yours.

Leah - posted on 11/08/2011

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Look Nita, there are a whole lot of different opinions and tons of advice going around on here. Here is what needs to happen in my opinion. Get the HELL away from this man. Stop thinking that he may "grow up" and want to take responsibility for your son's life. Even if he does, down the road, then deal with that then. Today is what is important to you now. Get yourself some help. It is out there. Do not have anymore contact with your son's father. Can you do that? Because I believe that is the key. Do not list him as the father on the birth certificate, do not return his calls, do not let him lure you into the drama. If you really want what is best for you and your child (and believe me, if you aren't ok, your baby won't be ok), start taking care of Nita! You have got to get some help, legal and emotional. Pregnancy, having a newborn baby, raising children...it is hard for all of us. I don't have the same life as you BUT I still needed help when my children were born. This help DOES NOT have to come from the father. Get your life in order as much as possible before your son is born and try to be kind to yourself. You do not have to prove to us that you aren't crazy. Bi-polar, or any mental health issues are not crazy. The only thing in the world you have to prove is to YOURSELF that you are going to be the best mommy you can possibly be, no matter what. That is it. Set your mind to that goal, and leave that man alone! The rest will happen.
My prayers are with you.

Rachael - posted on 11/08/2011

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if you decide to put him on the birth certificate he will have parental rights and you will be able to claim child support but he will be able to involve a solicitor to gain visitation.
my advice is not to put him on the certificate i wish i didnt with my daughter, i can survive without the £20 a month child support i get from the father. but it is your decision. good luck x

LaMonica - posted on 11/08/2011

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I will have to say MOVE as far away as possible from him. And as long as he does not sign the birth certificate he will have to exstablish paterinty in order for the courts to even think abt letting him see your baby....Good luck with everything

This conversation has been closed to further comments

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Barb - posted on 11/16/2011

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Here, maybe this will help. Take a picture of the baby's father, scan it through one of those printers that makes a 3D image of it. Attach strings and then pull when you want your son to have the father you want him to have.

Carla - posted on 11/16/2011

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Thank you, I was honestly trying to help but after the 10 email and reading the responces from everyone else there was nothing more to say. I told her to just focus on her self and the baby growing inside her what the father does is out of her control. She wants him there but doesn't want him to sign the birth cert, then told me she told him that if he didn't make up his mind she would list the father as a sperm donor. Not that you can actually do that but after that I began to realize I wasn't going to reason with her and that any advice was falling on deaf ears.

Mariah - posted on 11/16/2011

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Wow, I just read what Carla posted after making my first post. I too work for a law firm and I have dealt with these types of people before. It is beyond aggravating when people keep asking the same question expecting to get a different answer because the one they got isn't what they want to hear.

Good luck Love, I can tell you are going to need a lot of it.

Mariah - posted on 11/16/2011

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You need to do a couple of things.

1. File a police report detailing any harassing or threatening calls or interactions. Compile as much physical evidence as possible including voice-mails, letters, and statements from witnesses.

2. File for a protective order to keep him away from you. Ask the officer who takes your report how to do this.

3. Consult with a family law attorney to figure out what your rights are and how to get the custody set up you are looking for [no visitation / he pays child support].

Then go on with your life and forget about the dumb-ass.

Cherie - posted on 11/16/2011

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Love, don't stress yourself about whether the baby's daddy will be there or not. Now is the time to take care of you and baby. If you want to know about legal custody, etc call your local legal aid and ask for information or get online and check fathers rights laws. Get the drama out of your life and don't worry what he will or will not do. If you aren't in physical danger focus on yourself and that little person you are growing inside. The rest will take care of itself.

Carla - posted on 11/16/2011

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No need to get an attitude, I was just telling u the only reason ur ex had rights was because u allowed it. If u read the last 8 pages of loves posts maybe u would c where I'm coming from not to mention the 25 emails she sent me. It has nothing to do with u responding to her I'm just saying ur wasting ur breath. Read from the beginning maybe u will understand. I don't feel I deserved ur attack.

Amanda - posted on 11/16/2011

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Carla, who is to say that by the time the baby is born that she won't change her mind and allow him to be there? If he is there he has the option, if she allows him to, to sign the papers for the birth certificate. I didn't realize I wasn't allowed to post anymore. Carla, I will let you handle all the answers from now on.

Carla - posted on 11/16/2011

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Amanda, ur ex had rights because u allowed him to be on the birth cert. I have answered Loves many many questions via email, she doesn't listen. I work for a law firm I told her everything she can do legally. The fact is she wants this guy around, she wants him to be there for but wants to be able to control the father. He doesn't want her or the baby from what she has told me. So this conversation is moot, if he decides down the line he does then he will go through courts all of which she has no control over. She has asked the same question to 25 different ppl when she already has all the legal answers. It's attention and waiting to get the answer she wants.

Amanda - posted on 11/16/2011

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Love, I was right where you are right now. I got pregnant at 18. My ex told me to burn the ultrasound and get rid of the baby. I refused to. He ended up being there for the birth of the baby, he signed the papers for his name to be on the birth certificate, but then he took off 2 weeks after the birth. I took him for custody 2 months after she was born and child support 4 months after she was born. Keep an open mind. I know hormones are playing a big role in what's going on right now. You are hurt, but you have to realize he is thinking with his d!#k right now. That doesn't mean he will be a bad father just because he isn't with you. Eventually he will pull his head out of his ass. It might be before the baby is born, it might be years after the baby is born. Either way he has a right to see the baby. And in Pa, even if the father laid a hand on you, he still has rights to see the baby. I found that out first hand.

Love - posted on 11/16/2011

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love dont mean for him it means for my son i no longer whant your advise thank u YALL NEED Jesus

Carla - posted on 11/16/2011

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I think love just isn't getting the answers she wants to hear, I work for a law firm and gave her the advice any lawyer would. What is mandated by law. In PA if he isn't on the birth cert then he has no rights, he will need to file with the court for a paternity test after that comes back he can then file for custody, visitation or what ever he wants. He can do all this with out paying one cent for his baby. Love can not put his name on there, he needs to do it and sign a waiver agreeing to it at the hospital if that happens he will automatically have rights to his son, while she will still need to file for support and full custody. From what I can tell none of this matters because what love wants is to control the father, this baby is a pawn and is only a means to that end. If the father wants nothing to do with u or the baby there isn't much u can do about that. What ever he may have done to u is of no reflection as to how he will be with he son. Horrible husbands can still be good dads. Take the next 3 months and decide what type of mom you want to be. I would consider some parenting classes and a therapist.

Carla - posted on 11/16/2011

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Just dont have any further contact with him. If his name isn't on the birth certificate he has no rights.

User - posted on 11/16/2011

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Surely I can't be the only one who thinks LOVE is too ignorant to raise a child. Give it up.

Barb - posted on 11/16/2011

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You can't set conditions on the father you want him to be, you have to accept the father that he is. Saying your child comes first and making your child come first are two different things. Putting your child first would mean you try to give him every opportunity available to him. Not just telling his father that the baby has to come first. If he chooses to put his child first, than great for him, but you can't force a relationship there and say it's all or nothing and close that door.. that is NOT putting your child first, that's doing what makes it easiest for you.

Amanda - posted on 11/16/2011

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I know everyone is saying not to contact him or anything, but in the state of Pa (where I live) someone has to file for custody or else he can come and pick up your son and take him for a 'visit' and you can't do anything about it. My daughter's father wanted nothing to do with her for the first 11 years of her life. He paid child support but he also had partial custody, technically, but he never acted on it. Now he is an active part of her life and she doesn't want him in her life. According to the courts she has no choice until she is 18. Because I listed him on her birth certificate unless my husband adopts her, her actual father can't relinquish his rights. I would list his name on the birth certificate. I would leave the door open for him to be in the baby's life. If he doesn't act on it, his loss. Good luck.

Kyleigh - posted on 11/15/2011

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our state has a new thing where if you arent married he has to pay for paternity test for all 3, if you are married its easy to say your the father. but if you have decide if you arent married who will have full custody before you leave the hospital

Stefanie - posted on 11/15/2011

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Child support and visitation are two separate things. You can file for child support without feeling obligated to allow visitation of the child especially if he doesn't want to be involved with the child. If he claims he wants visitation because he's paying child support let him take his a** to court and file for visitation rights.

Love - posted on 11/15/2011

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he said she said is childish he needs to grow up and relize he has a child now but i dont kno how long it will take when our child is comeing soon

Love - posted on 11/15/2011

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evan tho i shuldnt haft to tell him that but i feel like haft to remind him but lets if it work cuz i havent seen any sign yet but still waiting for a hows the baby doing or anything about the baby

Love - posted on 11/15/2011

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ok let me make this more clear i as a mother want my son to have both parents in my chlids life BUT the father of my son chose to want to make a child and not have no responsibility there for i ask for good advise to go to court and risk on haveing a chance for the father to be a father on his own no ones keeping the child from the father name one person that did good with a bad father my mom nvr kept me from my dad i had to see for my self to know he was a disapointment and thrue my whole child hood i blame my self for my dad not wanting me i was better off with my mother now im grown up and learn from what i went true and other single moms you nvr want to see a bad parent to your child why would you want that for your child so like i said if the father wants to be in my sons life willing to be a real dad no ones stoping him but him self and for the last time i put my son first not me not the father the child always comes first i evan told the father of my child that ok.

Love - posted on 11/15/2011

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i didnt say i whant to live off the father and i do have self respect this just all happend to fast i was on trak with the baby, but now i haft to change direction do you know what its like to be a young singe parent you haft to start off crawling till you can walk again i haft to find a career that makes time for me and my son i haft to find good child cear i haft to do every single thing my self with a child i just whant to be ready to handle it all thats like the whole world in my hands by my self i now have a home for me and my son.and thats a start

Elaine - posted on 11/15/2011

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If you want child support, then you have to give visitation rights. I think you need to think through your life and decide what kind of a future you want- a job and self-respect or living off the father of your child, with more to come.

Love - posted on 11/15/2011

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im no longer stressin just need good advise to keep my son stress free intill hes in college

Vickylynn - posted on 11/15/2011

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if he really doesnt want to do anything with your baby,don't.you can still file for full custody and get child support til your baby is 18.you can get a straining order for him...your pregnant and you shouldn't be stressing cuz it will cost you and your baby pain.

Susan - posted on 11/15/2011

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child support and visitation are to seperate things, even if he does not pay he will still have rights to see his child. your best bet is to have him sign his parental rights away. once that is done he can not change his mind period. Also make sure that when you have this baby you give him your last name period.

Ronda - posted on 11/15/2011

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First off, I want to say that no matter what happens, you DESERVE child support for the child!! He should pay for the upbringing of his child.
I went through the same thing. My ex left me and the kids for someone else. Even though I was very tempted to cut him out of the kids' lives because he did not seem to care anyway, I did not. As the years went by I would take them to visit him and I tried everything possible to make it so my kids felt loved, not for his sake, but for theirs I took them to visit him.
He did not respond in any way and now my kids do not want much to do with their father, but I am blame free. I do not have any guilt about the way I handled the situation.
You know, your kids have two parent and they always love both parents, even if one is a disappointment. Kids also feel like they are a part of the parent....so if you choose to say something bad about the other parent, your in danger of your child taking on that identity as well because kids identify with their parents. I hope you "allow" him to see the child even if he doesn't "want" to...trust me, it makes things easier for you in the end.

Hannah - posted on 11/15/2011

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You have to contact your lawyer, but seriously, if you want him to pay child support he should be a loud to see his son.plus it is best for your son to have his father in his life.

Ashli - posted on 11/15/2011

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My sister went through this, she just cut him out of her life, she didn't even bother going through all the child support stuff because that would give him more rights as a father she just simply tells everyone that she made a mistake and doesn't know who the father is

Tasha - posted on 11/14/2011

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I'd like to know the same thing only my son is almost two and his father is in and out of his life which confuses him all the more. so I'm looking in to this topic

Love - posted on 11/14/2011

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yes he was we was liveing to gether while i was going back and forth every time i had to handle apoinments and my mo had told me is not healthy to keep going back and forth so i check my self into a shelter but then he broke up with me and i found out he left me for another women that same day he told her hell take cear of her child like it was his but he dont evan want to take cear of his unborn son and he put me out and he made his parents turn agents me by makeing a huge scene and telling them all kind of twisted lies just to keep me away and he the one that say he want to have our son he the one who say he wants to marry me he was happy when he found out and now he wants to back out im 19 and hes 27 i haft to have full responsibilty and he has freedom he can do what ever he wants while i haft to take cear of our child by my self for the first time its going to be hard going to school for two years and try finding good afordable child cear but if most single mothers can do it i can do it also just going to be a whole lot of drama with the father he left me for a suger mama instead of working on geting his own place and his licens and car he wuld try to use the child as pawn

Julie - posted on 11/14/2011

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Find your States "Child Support Enforcement Bureau" and get going now. He will have to pay - or lose his driver's license or end up in jail. It is sad to have to take legal action but he was there when that child was conceived, right?

Sandra - posted on 11/14/2011

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First of all, stop ALL Contact with him. Contact legal aid or an attorney for definite counseling. I live in Colorado and you can not list him on the birth certificate. But, he can sue you to get him listed but he would need to prove his position through DNA. None of this is cheap or easy. As for now, you can also get a restraining order but those are not necessarily effective. Best thing for you is to get an attorney and stop all contact. Move away if you can to get a fresh start elsewhere. But see that attorney.

Lisa - posted on 11/14/2011

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dont put him on the birth certificate and get a lawyer. Contact legal aid in ur area if you need financial help.

[deleted account]

Your son will NOT suffer (at least not much) if you forget about what kind of man you want his father to be and just accept what kind of man he IS... and then you take steps to fill that void in your child's life... whatever it takes.



Sitting there wishing his father would do what's right by him is a waste of time. Trust me. I spent almost the first year of my son's life doing just that... all it accomplished was to cause me more hurt and anger. I had to realize that the man I thought I knew... didn't exist and there was nothing I could do to make him be the man I THOUGHT he was. Instead I just have to accept that he will always suck (maybe he won't someday, but I'm not holding my breath) and just make sure that his suckiness has as little impact on my children as possible. They know and LOVE their Daddy and I'd never even think to take that away from them, but he only sees them 2-3 times/year and calls once every 1-5ish weeks. That's just life for them and it's normal. The daily void of a missing father is filled w/ their grandpa and many 'uncles' who have been more than willing to stand in the gap that their father has left.



Good luck w/ it all!

Love - posted on 11/14/2011

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i prey that he comes to his sences and put awy his selfish ways and relize what god has gaven us is a gift and we should have joy and take cear of our son. also relize that not evey one has a father so y shukd my son haft to suffer

Susan - posted on 11/14/2011

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while he is thinking and saying he wants nothing to do with said child then have him sign his rights away. If he is as bad as you say then he can't get involved with your child once this is done but you have to go through a lawyer or at least a lagal aid. Also No child support comes with this dicission but if you are looking at the best interest of the child and he is a bad person then you want no contact with him at all and this should not bother you.

Cynthia (Cindy) - posted on 11/14/2011

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He has no rights to the child until paternity is legally established. This means that he has to sign the birth certificate or has to go through the courts to establish paternity. Check with a lawyer to be sure. Getting child support can be a lengthy process - especially if you are trying to establish paternity at the same time. And child support does not automatically include visitation. If he is physically and/or emotionally abusive hopefully you have reported this when it happened so it is on record. If he decides to try to get visitation some day you will have police reports proving the abuse (or at least that you reported it WHEN IT HAPPENED). Don't wait until you are in a courtroom to tell a judge how you were abused if you have never reported it to the authorities. You will end up looking like a vindictive witch trying to use your child as a pawn in a custody battle, rather than a thoughtful, concerned parent trying to protect her child.

Pamela - posted on 11/14/2011

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Contact your nearest Free Clinic, Planned Parenthood, or other community center that helps pregnant mothers and people with children. You can also contact Legal Aid if they have an office in your area to see if you financially qualify for their assistance.

Questions about legal custody must be answered by someone with legal expertise, not a friend or relative, or even Moms in this circle who do not have a law degree and are not registered with a state bar to practice law.

Cherilyn - posted on 11/14/2011

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Thank you Ms. Nita. Hope you are feeling better today. Seems like you're stressing again. Don't forget..Whether some of this advice sounds good or unfortunately bad remember this..like my Mother used to say, "You may not like what I'm telling you & it may hurt. But I'm telling you this because we love you." We care. I hope some of this ends up being a blessing to you. Check out Catherine Martinez's post. She's right on the money & it works this way in most states. Big hugs girl! Stop stressing, at home, on here, you got work to do. Next time you log in & post I look forward to hearing how you have been taking steps in making progress w/all of this. I'm excited about you & your baby's future. No looking back, what's to come is better than what's been!

Heather - posted on 11/14/2011

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What you are asking is unrealistic. If he pays child support, nothing in the eyes of the law is sufficient enough to keep a father out of their childs life, unless he has a criminal record or been in a mental institute. Even at that, you will need a great lawyer in which will cost so much more than what you will recieve in child support. In the united states, they are strong on fathers rights. Tell him you got an abortion and dissapear lol im kidding, but not. If you need financial support the us offers so much for single mothers! But in my opinion... Every child deserves a father, give him a chance. He may change once he realizes how beautiful his baby is and what a blessing he created.

Gretchen - posted on 11/14/2011

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If you don't want the father in the child's life, you shouldn't seek to get child support. I would get an attorney to sort all of this out but just remember that you have to answer to your child when they want to know why you kept them from their dad. He may say he wants nothing to do with the baby now, but that can all change by the time it's born.

Stephanie - posted on 11/14/2011

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I would contact legal aid of some sort. And always call the police when you receive any kind of threats etc that way it is documented and you can possibly have a restraining order put into place.

Love - posted on 11/14/2011

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no its not me im a women i didnt cause non of this and no im not playing no role but a mother he chose to cheat on me and tell me he dont whant nothing to do with our child there shouldnt be no reason for a grown ass man to act like a child and besides i beleave you onley read half of the story so thiank u but no thank you have a nice day

Elizabeth - posted on 11/14/2011

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if you are unmarried just dont put him on the birth certificate. Be honest with him now, tell him you know he wants nothing to do with the baby and tell him this is his chance to walk away to avoid the baggage and child support. Dont act like you have the power here (because no one really does) because if you tell him you're taking away any rights he may have as a dad and he will still have to pay support, that will just piss him off and make matters worse for you and baby.

Ashley - posted on 11/14/2011

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I dont exactly know how the laws work but with my friend she filed child support against her childs father and also asked for no visitiaion,,,she got the child support but not the no visitaion. The courts see it as if they are paying for that child, they have a right to see it wheather they say they dont or not via a recording. people can always change their minds after the baby is born. First thing is thou dont have him sign away his rights cuz then you will get nothing from him..and as for the birth cirtificate i dont know what to do with that. some places make you pay for the dna and changing the b/c some places make the father. thats a desiosn youll have to make later.with no physical proof, youll have a tough time proving anything ie: hes abusive towards you or you to him in his statement..good luck

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