10 year old daughter's attitude

Hope - posted on 08/09/2009 ( 11 moms have responded )

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I have a ten year old daughter who's attitude is really beginning to upset me more and more everyday. I need some suggestions of how to keep her from acting out and crying/whinning about every little thing. Help me please!

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Carrie - posted on 08/14/2009

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Ok I have a 12 year old and I thought that ages 10 and 11 would kill me. My daughter was wonderful young and she acted out big time with me at 10 and 11... she pushed her limits and saw what I would and would not take. I agree with the hormone idea. Because once she started her period EVERYTHING changed. She is my girl again. She would cry non stop and when I'd talk to her she honestly had no idea why, and she was so angry at everything. I journal helped, she could write out all her emotions and feelings and look back on it at other times. We've since looked back at that journal, and believe me I wish I didn't know things she wrote (it broke my heart), but it proved her hormones were just more than she could handle because she's apologized and we became stronger in the long run. I just had to lay down the law of what would and would not happen. I also used the "are you sure you want to talk to me like that"... it works

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This preteen age or girls is like going through HELL. I'm on my second of 3 girls going through this. I think it helps to sit her down and explain to her what is happening. Her hormones are in high gear, this is an awkward and stressful time of life and her emotions are going to be a wreck for a couple of years. Help her the way you would help a friend who has PMS, because basically, that's what is happening. Spend time with her, listen to her, offer her chocolate, tell her to go take a hot bath. You also have to explain to her (I just did this with my 12 yr old and also did it years ago with my 16 yr old) that she does not always KNOW how snotty and rude she sounds. They have all these emotions and hormones and I think often just don't realize how clearly that comes through in their attitude. Make a deal to have a catch phrase, something fun, that you can say to her when she is being PMSy. With my older daughter, I was able to point out a person in our family who was very irritable and snide all the time. I told my daughter that that was how she sounded when she was displaying her bad attitude. We started calling it her "Cousin Lucy voice". (Name changed to protect the guilty). Whenever I could hear my daughter gearing up with all that ugly attitude I would say to her, "Oops, you're using your Cousin Lucy voice". That relative was kind of a source of amusement anyway so that made it sort of a joke while still getting the point across. I was not yelling at her but I was letting her know in a way that she understood that her tone and attitude were not acceptable. Another thing that helps is making sure she has a place she can go and be alone where siblings will leave her alone. In our house that's a real challenge but I do find that it helps them to have some solitude to think things out and calm down. All that being said, until they start having periods and their hormones level off, I think this is just a phase that must be endured and there is a certain extent to which they can't help how bad they feel. Using these techniques has really helped us to keep things at a slightly better level of comfort for the child and still trains her that she must be respectful and kind no matter how bad she feels.

Wendy - posted on 08/14/2009

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Focus on the good stuff. Try to make sure you have some time just for her every day. Chat about your day and encourage her to talk about hers (don't push).

Think about how you want her to behave and focus on this. Ask her for what you want "I'd like you to speak calmly to me," instead of "Stop shouting at me."

Always ask for the behaviour you want from her NOT the behaviour you don't want.

Focus on what's good and tell her.

Take some time to give her some extra positive attention. When she is behaving in a way you do not like, simply tell her what you want and then move on. Don't give any attention to this unwanted behaviour.

I would also suggest that you look at your emotions around this issue. Are you staying calm? Work on staying calm around her, it will make a huge difference. Try writing out 10 things every day/hour that you love about her.



I hope this helps.



Wendy



http://sunshine-coaching.blogspot.com

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Analiza - posted on 08/21/2012

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i have also a problem with my ten year old daughter who's attitude is not normal for me...she always ignore me as her mother, she didn't respect me well...what she wants more is her grandmother whom she,s with since she is 3yrs. old ...she's only with me last year...i really don't know what to do because if I'll scolded her she will get mad and she keeps on telling me that what she wants is her grandmother not me.
Please help me what to do with my daughter...

Kathy - posted on 08/17/2009

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I have to agree with Tammy...I raised two girls and 10/11 were tough ages. We utilized alot of the same techniques .My husband and I also found it helped to identify the behavior before responding to it..."when you are done stamping your feet...we will talk about this.." My favorite was "whining doesn't work with me...please ask me in a voice that makes me want to help you". Its not a fun or easy time. They are at the crossroads where they still want to play with their toys, but its really not quite so cool to do it anymore. As a martial arts instructor I utilize this age group to help me with my younger students. It gives them a chance to "play" the games that they still find fun, but would not be appropriate to play in their "new" age group. If your daughter has the opportunity to be a mothers helper and occasionally "play" with some younger children, it might help her to bridge the gap until she is comfortable in her new body.

LynDee - posted on 08/15/2009

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My daughter is 10 and acting the same way. I spoke to the doctor about it and he told me that this is the time the change starts happening to them and that her hormones are changing. He also told me to hang in there, to be firm but also have some patience. He said her body is changing and it is not fun for her and could even be confussing for her. So I am hoping that she works through it and we can both survive the next couple of years. Hope this helps. Good luck.

Melinda - posted on 08/12/2009

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I agree with Sharon, too. My 10 year old daughter is at the same stage - it hasn't helped that I just started a new job that has a longer commute = more hours away from home. My hubby is unemplyed - so there was no choice for me, and I'm lucky to have the opportunity. However, him being home all the time is NO substitute for mom, and it is showing in her attitude.



I've made time each week for her and I to do things just the two of us - library, grocery shopping, whatever. It seems to be helping. I'm also all for Christina's advice of praising the positive every chance you get.



My favorite phrase is "if you want to be treated like you are 10, you have to act like you are 10". I also have another favorite - "do you really want to talk to me like that?" - not said as a threat, but with that "mom guilt" look that kids detest so much.... That one has been working pretty well so far.



I also agree with refusing to enter into any type of argument with her when she is acting wrong, it will only intensify the situation. It's hard, but I try really hard not to get into a "back and forth" with my girl.

Shae - posted on 08/11/2009

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Look up Love and Logic I took a free parenting class .IT WORKED WONDERS.It gives you a common sence approach on how to handle your children .Attitude is the main issue around my house.I have a 5 year old 13 year old and 14.......I applied what I learned and I seen a change.It was Godsent=) I totally agree with Sharon Grey

Christina - posted on 08/10/2009

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she's looking for attention. she's only 10. try to praise her when she does something right and reward positive behavior rather than always focusing on bad behavior. children want to be praised. reward charts are great and build confidence and teach responsibility. schedule a day once a week where you can do something special just the two of you. when children feel secure about their relationship with their parent they don't act out as much.

Sharon - posted on 08/09/2009

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Ignore it. Let her whine, let her cry but tell her when she's ready to talk maturely without sniveling and using "that" voice you'll be happy to help her figure out some answers.



My 7 yr old is doing the "whining/sniveling" thing and it irritates me to no end. I call it the drama queen stage. The whole family ignores her when she does it. After she settles down I'll go into whatever room she's sulking in and ask if everything is better. She'll often say yeah, she was just upset about such & such. I'll ask if she knows why she is alone? And she knows why. Its happening less & less.



good luck!

Rabecca - posted on 08/09/2009

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Have you tried a behavior chart. I like to make mine in bright bold colors and hang it where visiting people can see. Not only is there a reward/punishment thing going on, but a little bit of shame at that age doesnt hurt, no 10 year old wants family and friends to know that they are a cry baby at home. I also use the stay in your room where noone has to look at you method. That one tends to work the fastest short term. (but you cant check on her while shes crying.)

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