10year old daughter disobident and disrespectful

LaWanda - posted on 10/23/2009 ( 31 moms have responded )

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Recently my 10year old daughter has been really difient and acting out alot. At first I thought I would let her vent considering some of the girls in her class were been really mean to her but that problem has been resolved. She's always been a strong willed child but now she's taking it to the extreem and doesn't think the same rules apply to her that her two younger siblings have. I love my child but sometimes she can be a real pill. Any suggestions would be helpful.

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Michelle - posted on 10/27/2009

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I have a 11 yr old and a 7 yr old. The teens truly start at 10. My daughter started throwing up her hands and saying "whatever!" She only did it to me once. I haven't spanked her since she was 3. I pushed her away from me and told her not to talk to me until she could be respectful. She tried to talk to me an hour later and I ignored her. She asked my husband what she had done wrong and he explained what respect was. I told her that no one should ever be disrespectful to another person. She went to school and told her peers that the hand signal was disrespectful and they should not do it again. It completely stopped. The girls didn't know! Anyway, she threw a 2 year old fit the other day and I had to get in her face again. I told her that was not allowed unless she wanted a bottle in place of supper on the table. LOL! Sis thought it was funny, so it worked.

Jacinta - posted on 10/29/2009

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I never had a problem at 10 she is now 15 teen and her mouth is out of control. The best advice is to walk away clam down and have a talk with them. But they are never to old for spanky and you have to remember that you are the boss they sometime forget and want act like they rule things and we are supossed to listen to them. It hard sometimes they act out from what they watch on TV or friends or it could be a way that they may need attention from you. I hope that help ,but it will get better.

Mary - posted on 10/24/2009

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My advise is the same as most - stay calm and don't get sucked into an argument. There is some good research concerning the difference between an authoritarian parent and an authoritative parent. An authoritarian makes the rules and doles out punishments. They hold all the power and their children know it. An authoritarian parent will talk out the rules and compromise with their kids, if possible. There is still the consequence for breaking rules but it is done with a more loving attitude. Even the difference in the words punishment and consequence reflects this difference in attitude. I also think that when things are calm asking your child what they think is a fair consequence for their actions often lets them feel empowered. As long as it is reasonable, try their consequence for a while. You don't want to make it into a power struggle, because then no one wins. But once a rule has been negotiated, you must stick to it. Never negotiate in the middle of turmoil because that is giving in, not negotiating. Good luck. I have gotten 3 daughters through this stage and it is exhausting. Remember to tell her you love her, especially during the most difficult times.

SONIA - posted on 10/27/2009

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dear, i'm facing the same situation, but the difference is that in my case it's a boy. He's just turned 10 and started thinking that he's big enough to take his own decisions. he's started argueing and has turned dis-respectful. what i've observed is that if children at this age are given everything they wish for,they get spoilt. so it's our duty to fulfill 3 out of 5 wishes of our child. still if they don't behave properly, then as others say, don't allow them enjoy their activities they enjoy the most for few days, and be firm on your decisions..........

Donna - posted on 10/25/2009

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You can be the parent, get respect and still be friends. The friends part is you spend time with them and you enjoy it. We as a family have one night a week to just get together to do something fun. We are all busy with so many directions. 2 kids in college, 1 in hs and 1 in jr high. Both my husband and I work in educational environments so observation is often a loud indicator of a child's real problem. Watch them and love them. Love them Love them Love them. It is too easy to let them assume you do...show that you do and praise them often. Catch them being good and dwell on the good things. You will be surprised how much more they will want to be good if it brings peace and love to the home. I am not saying there won't be difficult times but I have never heard anyone outside my home say my children were ever disrespectful or rude to anyone. So even if you have moments when they might want to sass you...stand firm as the parent and let the consequences follow. They have a more difficult time when their privileges are taken away but they get over the brief moments of pain knowing you love them unconditionally. One thing about talking to teens in particular - listen more than you talk and give advise when asked. They will come to you more often.

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Bjdmoody - posted on 10/14/2011

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My 10 year old - soon to be 11 is not so much acting out at home, it is at school. she is in a new classroom and new teacher this year (she is in a Montessori program where they have the same teacher for 3 years) We are in our 6th week of school and this is the 2nd time she has been suspended for a day this year. I am at whits end. She is fine at home, but something triggors it at school. My husband and I are meeting with the principal, teacher, counselor and our daughter next week. I don't even know what to say at this meeting. Seems like there is no praise for any of her good doings at school - something at this age she needs a lot of. I am just sick over this. She is not a bad kid - she got suspended for her attitude and disrespect.

Amber - posted on 10/28/2009

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Yeah, kids will test you at any age, but pre-teen years are hell. Consistency is the key. I never let her off the hook and let her know that back-talk, disrespect, and any other nonsense is not tolerated. I don't want good behavior, I expect it. Set boundaries and stick with them. Let her know that you will carry out whatever punishment you state you will. Kids need to know that there will be consequences regardless.

Darby - posted on 10/27/2009

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I know exactly how you feel. I have a 14-yr-old and it has only gotten worse since 10. I am a single mom who works 2 jobs and if she is ever mad or needs someone to blame it is me. I started restricting her but if I wasn't there to make it happen I wasn't able to follow through on that one. Next, I tried taking away privileges...that didn't work either. I finally got desperate and her counselor suggested calling our local juvenile probation department and I did and spoke with a lady and she made an appointment for my daughter and myself to discuss rights, laws, and rules. My daughter was starting to sneak out and the harder I tried the worse it got. Since this, I give her choices instead of saying yes or no and compromise depending on grades, attendance and behavior. She has done a complete 360 and thinks she is making her own rules because she makes the choice. She feels grown and is now learning, if she doesn't like the choices presented, that not making a choice is still choosing...it means she is choosing to do what I choose. Good Luck and you are in my prayers. I hope your experience isn't as extreme. Just remember she/he may hate you now only to respect you that much more later.

[deleted account]

I heard a lot of girls are becoming sarcastic and sassy because of those new shows - I-Carly and wizards of Waverly Place etc. Any chance she's picking up the attitude from these girls on TV?

RoxyAnne - posted on 10/25/2009

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Girl friend I understand-I think that it is something n the food-but here is what I do-I stop making promising that I would not follow through on-the punishments are sctually installments-I take things away and make her earn them make-she is 17 and acts as if this is her world-I have had to show her that she is in my world. She still trie sme from time to time but I do not let up or give in and YES it is hard but I have to stick to my guns.

Karyn - posted on 10/24/2009

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ok, judy l bush said it Much nicer than i did!! but essentially same thing. i do talk to and love on my children, but never scream/yell or beg them. we have Fantastic Teens! and the time to get that is in those tween and early teen years. nip it in the bud then, or pay the price later.

Karyn - posted on 10/24/2009

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wow. i just read all these responses. i have a 15 y/o boy and a 16 (almost 17) y/o daughter. Me Momma - Them CHILDREN. Momma GETS respect! Period!! my dtr went thru one yr she didn't like me (age 14 or so) but she Never Ever disrespected me! my son pushes my button more often with attitude, but Never Ever disrespects me! direspecting me is NONnegotiable! yes they are moody and they can take their attitudes to their rooms withOUT any toys/priviledges that I bought! i have a Tremendously open talking close relationship with my dtr, and after the same one year of pushing my buttons, my son and i are getting closer and closer, just like her and i have. i respect them, they respect me. i do Not tolerate/talk them out of/"reason with"/beg..... me Momma, them children... end of story.

Yolanda - posted on 10/24/2009

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I suggest that you sit her down and explain to her what will happen and what will be taken from her if she continue to act out.With my girls when they would act out i would take away radio,phone,tv,anything that they enjoy doing it was taken from them for a week or more depends on what was done.Try taken what she likes and you will she a change.

Judy L - posted on 10/24/2009

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Wow, I have read all the other comments some I agree with and others no comment!
I'm a seasoned mom, (older :-)) my children from my first marraige are in there early twenties.
However, I do have an 8yr old from this marriage of 12yrs. Set the tone with your children from the beginning let them know this is our home and everyone has to fellow rules and regulations. Whether it's at home, school or at your job we all have to do it like it or not. It's a part of life. You have to give respect to get respect. Talk with your kids in a respectful tone and they will recieve what your saying yell and they will stare right through you!!! We as parents are so busy trying to be our kids friend instead of their parent. Who really cares if they get made WHATEVER they will get over it. Don't get me wrong my family mean the world to me. However, if I didn't prepare them or raise them to be respectful to others, be honest, set life goals, honor thy mother/father, self respect, integrity, society would eat them alive. I would feel like I failed as a parent. The foundation is layed at home, kids have no balance in their lives. Parents please stay strong talk with your children, let them know daily you love them. Get to know their friends, go to their sporting events, lay on your daughters bed and talk about boys, just giggle, act like a young girl with your girls that's all they want. Good luck and enjoy!

Donna - posted on 10/24/2009

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I agree partially with Marie but as a mother of two teens 14 & 16 their problems aren't always hormonal. Sometimes it is the peer pressure stomping all over the parenting guidelines. You are still the parent and as an older mother of teens (I had my first child at 30) I can clearly see the differences of the things I dealt with as a teen and that of my own kids. Their pressures come from peers who have much more dysfunctional and broken families. My parents are still together after 60 years and I am married 22 years quite happily. Talk to your daughter or son on a regular basis at least once a week, go to lunch together, take a ride with the intent to talk, shop together, and watch to see if there are patterns in their behaviors. It might just be PMS but it could also be a multitude of other reasons. As an educator I never allow disrespect but many teachers do and that is also part of the problem.

Kristen - posted on 10/24/2009

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Your daughter could be going through puberty early. There are quite a few 10 yr olds that are expereining this. It is hormonal. And yes, when our kids go through this they do rebell. They are going through this earlier than us. Just try to remember what it was to be almost a pre teen. You are not really a little child anymore and you are not old enough to be a teen. I call them tweens because they are in between: developmentally, emotionally, and physically. It is a difficult age at times. Just be sure that you are consistant with discipline and that you don't react when frustrated or angery. If you get into an arugment, I would send her to her room for 5 or ten minutes and then discuss the consquences. Taking privilages works well. My sons dislike it and they are now teens. I did the same when they were in their tweens, and pre-teen years.



Best Wishes and Blessings

PATIENCE - posted on 10/24/2009

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My son will turn 10 in November, i thing it is the age. my son have also started talking and aguing all the time with me he sometimes makes me soo angree that my hand gos straght on him and all he says is mum your hand is too fast anyway we have to just be patient with them and pray for the best for them and also try to let them know when they go wrong. all mums more gress to your elbos.

[deleted account]

I have an 11 year old son and am having some of the same behaviors out of him. I let him vent off his frustrations but when it gets over the top I make him do pushups for every time he back talks, every time he does something he knows is not right. I have started with 20 at a time, and now he is starting to think before things start flying out of his mouth.

Gayle - posted on 10/24/2009

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Two more things ... The first ... Parents have to have a sense of humor raising children. Times are quite different from when we were children. They have been given rights that we had to earn (in other words, we had the rights our parents gave us). The second ... Children are "simple smart" ... the can play their parents (especially the Mom) like a fine tuned violin. They find out what works and they use it.

I raised 4 kids, the oldest is 31 and the youngest is 20. They were a handful and each was unique. AND I survived! You will, too. :) You have to remember YOU are the Mother and so does your child(ren). Hope it ALL works out for you and your family.

Tracy - posted on 10/24/2009

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I agree that this pre-teen thing seems to be hitting the girls much sooner then when we were coming up, however, this may not be PMS. I've raised other children that are now 19 and 22 and they never behaved that way. However, my 12 year old is a challenge. I think some of the behavoir comes from the children they're around at school all day. Sometimes our children see and hear other children behave a certain way and other parents or teachers are letting them get away with this behavoir. Always get to know some of your childs classmates and who her close friends are. Sometimes it helps to get to know the friends and watch them from a distance, this will help you see if this is behavoir she's picked up from someone else. You'll need to sit and calmly talk with your daughter about how she's been behaving, and what you will not tollerate from her. Constant reinforcement of the rules will help minimize the acting out and if you are not afraid to use other disciplinary actions that always calms them down. There's nothing like a little old fashioned discipline, it always works. Also, pay very close attention to when your daughter is acting out, sometimes our children are reaching out to us for some extra special attention when they have to share you with other siblings. Wishing you well with your daughter.

Patricia - posted on 10/24/2009

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Jesus! my brand 10 year old daughter has not yet started, but reading I am getting scared, hope I can handle it when it arrives, hope I can remember all your tips and feelings and be able to share them before getting nuts.

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Always stay, calm, cool and collected........sometimes kids when they go thru their stages love to get a rise out of their parents and see how far they can take you. When they see it does not faze you, it may mellow out. Always stand your ground--kind but firm.You may have to take some favorites away like going to the mall, visit friends---but only apply it the day she misbehaves and or if there is a special event taking place that week----she will have to miss it due to bad behavior. My almost ten year old has been having a big mouth ;-) the last 2 weeks......no allowance ;-) the one week, no T.V, the second week---could not watch his new favorite shows. So all of a sudden he is his old polite self again ;-)

Gayle - posted on 10/24/2009

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We all love our children, no matter what. We don't necessarily like the things they do. Have you tried talking to her, telling her this is unacceptable behavior? Set down the ground rules now, because it only gets worse if you don't. Tell her there will be consequences if she continues and give her a punishment that you can live with. Meaning that you won't feel you were too hard on her and give in to her please in a few days. I used to make my kids "write lines" ... 25, 50, 100, 200 times depending on the offense. When they had to write, "I will not be disrespectful a few times, they thought twice about being sassy.

Peg - posted on 10/24/2009

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you have got to set down rules and stick to them or she will think that she can do as shewants and as she gets older you will have bigger problems best way to deal with her is take away privilages when she wont behave and return them for good behaivour

Mary - posted on 10/24/2009

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I think I'm on the other side of this phase - finally. She has to abide by your rules, but they don't have to be the same as for her younger siblings. Now that she is older she may earn more priviledges (later bedtime on weekends, going places with friends). Connect her new priviledges with expectations (behavior, chores, respect) and revoke them when she doesn't hold up her end of the bargain. If she needs to vent, she should be directed to her room to have her tirade and then join civilization when she's finished. Stick with the discipline, you will be glad you did.

Eileen - posted on 10/24/2009

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Think of your preteen/early teenager as a two year old with a better vocabulary! I found clear boundaries along with negotiation has worked well, if they want to be treated as an adult they need to prove they can have a reasonable conversation and give and take a lot. There are moments when no will be no though and don't be scared to use it....remind yourself that you are loved....you just may not be liked for a while and that's ok....it's your job to keep them safe yet prepare them for the real world.

[deleted account]

hi there,i have a 13 year old and am having the same problem,but when i stop and think about it i think she is reflecting me,as i get short with her and i think she is imitating my behavior not that im saying that is what is happening here,but i thought that if i start to be calm and talk to her at a level that is not heated ..which is hard when they are answering back that it might make a difference..that i am still trying..good luck i know it is really hard at this age..:-)

Ursula - posted on 10/24/2009

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i have a 10 yr old daughter as well and she is exactly the same, really defiant, rude moody etc, i think its her age as when her sister was the same age she was like this, she is now 13 and a completely different child. i think its their hormones giving them mood swings and they dont know how to handle it and as they mature they can deal with with a little easier. i suggest trying not to be drawn into anything and just walk away if she tries to be confrontational, most of the time their behaviour is for attention and a reaction so if you give them nothing they have nothing to come back with. hope this helps.

Kristy - posted on 10/24/2009

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i have a 10yr old son and iam going through the same problem!! iam hoping that this stage will pass very fast or i will end up with no hair. iam at a loss for what to do with him as he is making my life and my other 2 younger kids life hell at the moment.

Kia - posted on 10/24/2009

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Talk to her. And the best time to talk to her is during a time when you are both calm and preferrably doing something fun together. Tell your daughter the changes you have recognized in her and also let her know that she is going through a lot of changes physically and emotionally. Keep reminding her especially when she is getting out of hand what type of attitude you expect from her. I also have a ten year old and was/is going through the same thing. I constantly remind her what I expect from her as far as her attitude and being respectful. It was very frustrating for me but after reading your question I realized that the constant reminders must've worked because her attitude is much better. There are always relapses but for the most part she is growing into a nice young (I don't want to say women because she's only 10) tween.

Marie - posted on 10/23/2009

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Welcome to the pre-teen stage mom, lol. It is okay. I am going through the same thing with my 10 and 1/2 year old right now. She thinks she can set her own rules, that she is the boss, and that no matter what I say she will still do whatever she wants. The thing you have to remember is what we put our mothers through. This is just a stage to becoming a young lady. Girls are starting their periods years earlier than we did back in school. The new average is 11. Go figure. You just need to teach her a key word when she feels that she is going to lose it and she hates the world. I taught mine to say PMS. We know what it means, but her sister and brother don't, so that it doesn't embarrass her. Relax and remember that you will miss this stage in a couple years as well. Take care and I hope that I helped some. :)

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