11 month old who won't sleep in her crib!!

Stephanie - posted on 12/23/2008

well, alot of people have given their opinion and some of them are pretty contradictory.... I too have had similar problems with my 2nd son whom is now 2. You see, it goes down to what works for you and how you are as a parent as well as taking into account your child's personality. I personally feel that allowing your child to cry it out at 11 months is somewhat cruel... if by then, they have that type of relationship with you of attending to her needs when she wants and needs it and then suddenly, you are no longer attending to those needs, well for an insecure child, it can be VERY VERY difficult. I think with the relationship you have with your daughter, do something sure but in a more progressive manner. An example is to follow the guidelines of the book called ....hmmm I can't remember I'm sorry but she says you must take baby steps into correcting a problem... for instance, at first you stay in the room and put her down everytime she gets up (no matter how many time it takes), after she stays down and falls asleep with you by her side, then next put her down and sit on a chair beside the crib, when that's done, move you chair farther and farther until you are no longer in the room. Yea, it night take a week or so because of her age but she will learn gradually how to comfort herself without making her feel that you are no longer responding to her screams of help! One last thought, I actually found out that part of the problem was the crib and the room (he was in a very tiny room with no windows) and put him upstairs in his playpen and voila, he was sleeping through the night!....So clostraphobia is somthing to consider as well!

Melissa - posted on 12/23/2008

I am equally appalled at the moms that continue to allow their children to sleep with you. I'm not talking about a tiny infant who is just a few months old. My nearly 11 month old went through the whole crying it out thing and he's just fine. I can tell that he trusts that mommy (and daddy) will be there for him. When the baby is this old, they are old enough to realize that you are setting a precedent that you are going to give into their every whim when it is inconvenient to say no. I'm sorry, but my children don't get a toy or treat every time we are in a store, nor do they throw fits when I say no.

Jeri-Lynn - posted on 12/21/2008

I just joined too, and I am apolled by all the moms that tell you to let her cry it out, that she has you wrapped around her finger, and so on. This is an infant we're talking about. I have a 13 month old who won't sleep through the night, and I bring her to bed with me when she wakes. I have fallen asleep myself in the rocking chair rocking her to sleep some nights. My 7 year old did so when he was younger too, as did my 3 year old who occasionally still climbs in bed with me. These are babies and they won't stay this small for long. My advice...cherish every minute, no matter how frustrating it may seem at times. One day...you're gonna miss it!

Trayce - posted on 12/21/2008

You might try putting something in the bed that smells like you. I put my pillowcase flat on the crib and laid my daughter on it and she sleep most of the night. She might like the smell of you. Maybe it might work.

Monica - posted on 12/21/2008

HI! So I'm new to this chat, but I also have a 11 month old. And she did the same thing. When I try to put her down she would just cry, she only wanted to be held..turns out she had 2 ear infections. And that is why she didn't want to lay down. And that she would only sleep if I was holding her up right. That and it is the time that they start to dream, that could have something to do with it. Just a thought :)

Amy - posted on 12/21/2008

Hi I recomended looking up the Ferber method last night... but I figured everyone would know that he has a revised method out there and that is what I meant...in the revised method he advises "progressive waiting" which will teach your child that you will be there for them no matter what but it is indeed time for bed. And if your child is almost a year old then there is no reason not to try it. But Ferber also stated that the best method is the one that works for you... ergo if you don't want to go through the pain of loosing a couple nights of sleep for the greater good of having a kid who is now easy to put to sleep, then by all means continue letting them sleep in your bed. But be aware that once you open that door is is very hard to close it again. My best friend has a six year old that still sleeps in her bed EVERY NIGHT!!!!!

Elizabeth - posted on 12/21/2008

Children who have boundries set for them aretypically more likely to trust their parents and feel loved. The three day rule seems to hold true for crying it out and most pediatricians agree that this can be started anywhere between three and six months. A stubborn will seems to develop between six and nine months. Since your child is 11 months old she may hold out her crying tantrum for longer, but she will be fine. By the way for tooth and bone pain motrin works better.

Tina - posted on 12/20/2008

Me again...as for losing trust in the parents Im not falling for that...my children are now 10 8 and 7 and I know for a fact that they love trust and respect their mom, because I always try to do the best I can and dont always give in to their every whim. They realize that I would not ever do anything to intentionally hurt them. and at the same time they know that temper tantrums and crying for what you want isnt going to work.

Tina - posted on 12/20/2008

Would you dare try a toddlers bed? or just a mattress on the floor and put a child gate at her door so she doesn't get out of the room...it sounds l little like she is used to being in bed with mom. Do you give her bottle to her in bed...because if so maybe she getting gas. I know you dont want the other children to wake but doesnt she go to bed before them..if not put her in before the other children and let her cry it out...she will cry and cough and carry on, but she will be just fine..its just a way of getting attention..I had to go through this with my son he was a wonderful sleeper untill he hit 18 mths...he screamed and cried and cough and everything he could ...but I let him cry it out and in three days it was over..Don't go in to her when she cries..its just telling her shes winning...the others may lose a few nights sleep but its better than you and her not getting enough...Good luck

Attached - posted on 12/20/2008

There is no risk in cosleeping with an 11 month old, unless you are a drunk or drug user and are a danger to your child most of the time anyway.

The rest of the world all cosleeps for years and the U.S. has an AWFUL infant mortality rate, worse than those in some third world countries, so obviously, cosleeping can't be that dangerous.

"giving in"...using such a phrase just shows what a different parenting "style" you and I have.

Nikki - posted on 12/20/2008

There are more risk in allowing your 11 month old to sleep in your bed than there are with letting her cry. If she were 2 or 3 months old I would say go to her, but at 11 months she needs to learn to calm herself. She will not lose trust in the adults in her life. You can set a time 15 minutes and go in to her room. The key is do not take her out of her crib. Ask her to lie down and perhaps sing one her one song or rub her back for a couple minutes. There are ways to show you care other than giving in and putting her in your bed.

Attached - posted on 12/20/2008

"Posted by Nikki MacLellan (a moment ago)

Let her cry it out. She might sound distressed, but she is okay. Right now she knows you will come get her and take her to your bed. She is winning. Be strong and let her cry. Part of the process is letting her learn to calm herself. My husband and I used the same routine for bedtime and nap time. "


Winning? It's a contest between you and your baby and someone wins and someone loses?

Obviously, the baby is losing if you think it's some kind of a contest. How does an 11 month year old stand a chance against an adult?

If a mother won't take care of her baby's needs, who else will?!?!?

Nikki - posted on 12/20/2008

Let her cry it out. She might sound distressed, but she is okay. Right now she knows you will come get her and take her to your bed. She is winning. Be strong and let her cry. Part of the process is letting her learn to calm herself. My husband and I used the same routine for bedtime and nap time.

Attached - posted on 12/20/2008

Ferber RECANTED his methods! He now agrees that crying it out is a bad idea, especially for newborns.

Crying it out is TORTURE for your baby. Do NOT make her go through that. She will learn, as babies in orphanages in foreign countries sometimes do, that crying does her no good and she will eventually stop crying, but not because she is "behaving", but because she no longer trusts the adults in her life to take care of her. It will cause all sorts of issues in life which many might not recognize, but which will definitely be there.


Listen to what Joyce wrote above, she's TOTALLY correct.

Also, there is scientific evidence that "crying it out" can cause damage to the brain, irreparable. It's SSOOO not worth it. Let your baby sleep in your bed and be happy, comforted and let her feel loved. Each baby is unique and obviously, this baby of yours really has a NEED to be with you all night long. Perhaps she has more nightmares than your other children, perhaps she is more easily scared, perhaps she has pain (like from reflux or something) and just being near you lets her deal with the discomfort more effectively...who knows? She is not old enough to tell you why, but she is clearly telling you THAT she wants and needs you to be near her at night. Why ignore her? How fair is that?
"Researchers at Yale University and Harvard Medical School found that intense stress early in life can alter the brain’s neurotransmitter systems and cause structural and functional changes in regions of the brain similar to those seen in adults with depression." from: http://www.askdrsears.com/html/10/handou...

There is much more information at that link; please do go and read it all before subjecting your daughter to another night of torture.

Rebekah - posted on 12/20/2008

my baby girl is almost 16 months old and she still sleeps in my bed. she has ever since she got sick when she was around 2 wks old. she started sleeping through the night about 2 months. there's no way i would let her cry until she got sick. like someone else said, they won't sleep in your bed forever, remember all kids are different.

Nancy - posted on 12/20/2008

Basically she now knows that if she cries hard enough you will come and get her. I went through this with my oldest son. If your daughter is walking, maybe try the transition to the toddler bed, sounds like she doesn't like the crib anyway. I broke my son of screaming in his crib in the middle of the night by moving him to a toddler bed. He would climb out of the bed and come to our room. Once he got there I would tell him that he had to go to his big boy bed and take him back. I did it 17 times the first night, until he got tired of it and finally stayed in his bed. It got to be less and less each night until he finally got tired of coming to our room. Hope this helps.

Cassie - posted on 12/20/2008

If she is sleeping with you sometimes anyway you may want to consider reading The Family Bed. I also agree with Joyce Ho, who posted below. Dr. Sear is an excellent person to turn to. He also has another book called Night time Parenting I believe is the title.

Joyce - posted on 12/20/2008

you might want to check out http://www.askdrsears.com/

Joyce - posted on 12/20/2008

FYI: My pediatrician is also a professor at McMaster University, which is the top medical school in Ontario

Joyce - posted on 12/20/2008

Honestly, I would do what works! My daughter NEVER slept in a crib. She is not only collic, but she is "high-need". She's 2.5 years old now and sleeps in her own bed in her own room. And guess what..she slept with me the WHOLE time. I'm probably the only here that doesn't agree with letting a child who's 11 months cry it out! It might be harder for you and something you might not want your child to get used, but at the end of the day, you gotta do what works for you. So if the two of you will get a better night's rest together in the same bed..I say do it. Your child is not going to sleep in your bed forever! I have to admit, it's a little challenging to get a child to sleep in their own bed, but you gotta do whatever works and give them incentive. You little one is still so young. I don't believe in letting your 11 month cry it out till she pukes. Personally, I've been told by my pediatrician NOT to do that! They aren't ready for discipline until the age of at least 12 months. It is not healthy to let your child cry until they throw up. Sorry, but a child cannot fend for themself at that age. Everyone is entitled to their opinion and i'm sure lots of people would disagree with me..but not alot of people have a child like mine either..so my best advice..do what works for you! Every child is different..just because one child slept in a crib, doesn't mean the other one will. And all the advice you get from others might not necessarily work either..good luck.

Melissa - posted on 12/20/2008

Exactly, you just let her cry it out no matter how long she cries or how upset she gets. And as far as moving the 7 yr. old out of the room, I wouldn't. My 2 yr. old that shares with my 11 mo. old was always a lighter sleeper and that pyschologist that advised us said not to move the 2nd child out of the room because they will also adjust. I was incredibly skeptical, but I kept an open mind and I am amazed that he really did sleep through brother crying. As adults, we seldom have our own space and getting kids used to sharing spaces and sleeping through disturbances prepares them for life. You are just preparing your girls for college dorm life! =)

Casey - posted on 12/20/2008

My childrens pediatrician told me to put my oldest in bed, and let her cry. He told me to let her throw up on herself if I needed to and do NOT go in the bedroom until she was asleep. I thought he was crazy. My mom insisted I try it, so I did. The first night she cried for about an hour and a half, while I sat outside the bedroom door crying also. The second night she cried for about an hour and the third night about a half an hour. After the third night she was soo easy to put to bed because she knew I was not going to come back in no matter how much she would cry. I just had my second child two years ago and I started doing this since she was about 4 months old. I have it soo easy putting her to bed. She just turned two today and has been in a big girl bed for about 6 months and once I put her to bed she never gets up. She may wine for about 4 or 5 minutes but she just goes right to bed. I would recommed trying this method. It may seem mean or impossible the first few nights but it gets easier and it's well worth the results.

Amy - posted on 12/20/2008

Kerri, Have you ever looked up the Ferber method? Because it really gives you more detailed instructions on how to constructively let her cry it out. It shouldn't take more than a couple of nights for her to figure out how to soothe herself but it really should work... I have recomended it to a couple of friends and it worked for them as well...

Kay - posted on 12/20/2008

It sounds mean, Kerri, but I wouldn't go in if I were you. It will only make her cry more when you do leave. At 11mos, she already has developed object permanence so she knows you still exist even if you are not there with her. She'll learn to calm herself, given the opportunity. This may sound totally asinine, but have you tried a "lovey" yet? I found out that mine needed a combination of the same music, purple bear, and 2 pacifiers (one in her mouth and one in a hand)) to go to sleep. She still struggles with sleeping in places other than her crib though.

Kerri - posted on 12/20/2008

Thankyou for your prompt responses! I do let her play in her crib during the day when I am putting laundry away or taking a shower so she does that just fine. I know she has me wrapped around her finger and I know I just need to let her cry and figure it out. She shares a room with her big sis who is 7 years old and a great sleeper so what I may do is have my 7 year old sleep in her brother's room until my little peanut figures that mommy is going to win the battle! I do have one more question though-should I at least go in and soothe her, not pick her up, but soothe her and then lengthen the times I go in? I never had to do this with my other two! Thanks for your help!!

Kay - posted on 12/20/2008

Your daughter sounds like a smart little cookie. She has You trained, doesn't she?! I agree that you'll have to let her cry it out a couple of nights, and be prepared, the smarter she is, the more stubborn she will be... meaning it may take a few nights of listening to the screaming before things calm down. 11mos she should be able to figure out how to put herself to sleep on her own. That is when I started putting my 17mo-old in time out and she is like a perfect little angel most of the time (with a few slip-ups). Hope that helps! and Merry Christmas!

Melissa - posted on 12/20/2008

She has learned that if she cries, you will come and pick her up and she has you trained! I was recently told by an expert that babies can sleep through the night by 2 months old. Our son, who was 10 months at the time, was doing nearly the same thing and not sleeping more than 30-45 minutes during the day at a time and only a few hours at night. We let him cry it out and I was thinking the same thing, that his coughing was going to make him throw up, but he was just fine. By night three, he was sleeping through the whole night and now takes usually 2 1 1/2 hour naps every day. He was usually sleeping in our bed as well and we moved the crib to his room that he shares with older brother (who is 2) and both have adjusted fantastically! We started this just a week before Thanksgiving and I'm finally sleeping more than 2 hours at a time!!

Leah - posted on 12/20/2008

Have you tried just letting her play in her crib and not necessarily making her sleep in it? Maybe if you give her some play time even with you in the room and make a game out of it she will begin to like going there. I am not an expert and I am a believer of letting her cry it out, but it sounds like you did that. I know that I have been told that if you give into to them once they know that you will do it again. Do you think that she knows that and puts on the front of not being able to breathe? I don't want to sound mean I just wonder. I hope that this little bit of info helps some. Like I say I am not an expert, but I hope that soon she will sleep in her crib for you. Have a Merry Christmas!!