11 year old caught lying and now sits in Juvie...

Pam - posted on 01/27/2012 ( 22 moms have responded )

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I made the hardest decision a mother could make. I called the cops on my unruly 11 year old child. I found out she had lied to me about her house key. For punishment, we took away her electronic devices. She handed over her kindal, cellphone, but refused to give the IPOD touch to her step father and me. My husband went to get it from her and she kicked him and I went to get it and she shoved me. Well step father, mom and child end up in a tugging match over the phone and she was a bit violent with us. Come to find out, she has been sexting a 15 year old boy and talking to older men on some application for texting. I called our local sheriff's Office to file a report and a juvenile complaint. Because of the Family Violence, she was taken to juvie for the weekend. I'm sad, but I have to stand my ground or this behavior will continue. I called her Father and told him what was going on and he is in complete agreement with me. I'm upset and blaming myself for this and not knowing. My daughter says she learned about this from friends at school and her step cousin. I just need advice and encouragement, because my parents think I have overeacted and that I should have kept this at home. The problem is, this isnt the first time I've caught her talking to boys inappropriately. Please give me words and strength to get through the weekend without her.

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Sherri - posted on 01/28/2012

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I think this was amazingly harsh for an 11yr old for lying and doing something she shouldn't have. I think seriously you went way to far and over the top.



Wouldn't taking away all electronics and not letting her out of your sight other than school have been a better option? then putting her in jail?



Also I feel that you have given her far too much adult responsibility by allowing her a cell phone, IPod and Kindle. Basically you have given her 100% unsupervised access to the internet and anybody else who is on it. I would be blaming myself well before I would be blaming an 11yr old without the maturity to be able to handle so much responsibility.

Amie - posted on 01/28/2012

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Words don't escape me, that's the problem I'm having. I have composed myself though.



I do remember what it was like to be a child. I'm not that old, I'm 30.



I was an honour role student.



I was heavily involved in sports and extracurriclars.



I was a peer supporter for our school.



I do remember the pull of the internet. I was 12 when it first started cropping up for the general public.



I do remember wanting to explore. I started dating at 12 but sex didn't factor into any of my decisions or exploring until I was 16.



I do remember how easy it is to get into trouble. I was a teenage mom. (If you do the math, I had my daughter when I was 18 - I was pregnant at 17. My daughter is turning 12 this summer.)





I was older, my parents taught me well, I knew the repercussions but all it took was once. Then I became a statistic. They did their best and now I'm doing my best.



I don't want this for my daughters, my son or anyone else's child. All I can do is guide my own well, teach them well and hope like fucking god they do not make the same decisions I did. That they grow into adults with an easier future than I had.



Thinking about sex as a pre-teen, having sex as a pre-teen, good lord even dating as a pre-teen is much more involved than my children need to be. They are children and I would like them to remain that way. As I said in my first post, ultimately when and who and where is up to them but I hope they make good decisions. I hope it's when they are much older.



So far, I'm reaching my hopes just fine.

Amie - posted on 01/28/2012

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I'm not even sure where to start. =/



I have an 11 year old. She does not act like this. Being a good kid takes a lot more than good grades and trying to please.



It's probably that attitude (trying to please), lack of boundaires/rules and not much follow through that ended up with this mess. It's not so easily corrected though.



The first time she was caught acting inappropriately, everything that she is able to communicate with boys and older men on should have been confiscated. Doesn't matter the temper tantrum she throws, gone. It isn't given back until she's shown she has grown up.(Which doesn't happen quickly, no matter how they try to trick a parent. This is something that takes months if not longer.) Not to mention a really really long talk on why it was inappropriate. She needs this hammered into her head, I'm not sure why it's not already.



She needs a firm hand (please don't read this as me condoning spanking or the like, I don't hit my children) and guidance. She needs a very active parent. She's probably in full swing of puberty and she might even have her period. I know mine does. I also know that now, more than ever, I need to be very involved in her life. I am, I know her friends, her friends parents, her teachers, her instructors and her officers at cadets. I talk to her regularly about everything. There is not a question she can't ask. I will answer it honestly and tell her the truth on why the rules are what they are. FB is the biggest contention with mine right now. She wants to have her own page but the rules of FB state she needs to be 13 years old - so she's going to wait until she's 13. She doesn't like it but she listens.



Mine also isn't interested in dating or boys. While we talk openly and honestly about it and about sex, she has no interest in anything other than being friends. This does not mean she hasn't had a crush on a boy. She has, a few times. It never lasted long because she got to know them past the cute fuzzy "Oh, you're cute" phase. She talks to me about these things and I try to guide her where I think is best. I've told her I want her to wait, I've told her why (for boys, dating and sex). I also told her that ultimately it's her decision but I hope that she takes my advice. That no matter where or when she has a question or concern to come to me. She always has.



To be brutally honest, I think your relationship with your daughter is very damaged. It can be fixed but it will take a lot of work. Right now, you need to focus on being her parent. She's not going to like it. She may even rebel some more but you need to still be there, being the parent. The police didn't need to be involved in this. That, I pretty much guarantee, is going to make things worse between the two of you. You can be her parent though and still be there for her. I'm not saying be her friend. I'm not my daughters friend, she knows this as she has friends. I am her mom and I am always here for her. To be open and honest with her, to guide her. Not her friend.



I do genuinely hope when your daughter gets home you sit down with her and have a very long talk. About everything that happened and that you set some very firm house rules with consequences that will be followed through on if they are broken. It won't be easy but I wish you luck.

Krista - posted on 01/28/2012

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Good lord, she's only eleven! What 11-year-old hasn't lied from time to time? Of course she deserved consequences for lying, but I really don't think you went about it in the right way.



You say she's a good kid, but that this is not the first time you've caught her talking to boys in an inappropriate fashion. Plus, she's only 11, but she has a Kindle, a cellphone and an iPod touch? And she had the temerity to get violent with you when you went to take her phone away?



It sounds to me as though you haven't really set any limits with her over the years instead of raising her with proper discipline, and when a situation arose that you couldn't control, instead of stepping up and parenting, you called the cops on her. And it'll be VERY interesting to see some of the neat new tricks she's going to learn while she's in juvie, from the other kids who are a) older than her and b) probably much more experienced when it comes to questionable behaviour.



You've got a LOT of repair work to do with her. First of all, I would suggest parenting classes, so that you learn some tools and tips to cope with challenges like this. Family Services would probably know of some. If you don't, then it's just going to get worse -- and what are you going to do...call the cops every time?

Amie - posted on 01/28/2012

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Kelina,



Your post horrified me and I hope I got it wrong. You talk about yourself at 11 years old (which leads me to believe you're not that old yourself) having ONLINE SEX. That is was safe and an outlet for you to explore.



It's not safe and while you may have had no repercussions from it, it doesn't mean the OP's girl won't. Technology is getting sophisticated, it's not hard (if a person so chose) to find out where a person is. Especially if you're a young teen messing around online with older MEN and they won't take your "fuck off, I'm not meeting you in RL" for an answer. Is it likely to happen? Odds are against it. Could it? Yes, it could. Especially to a girl who has already proven she lacks good judgment calls.



As Sherri also already mentioned, the new generations of techno toys are capable of being online.



To stop this behavior until her daughter has a firm grip on the who, what, where and why not - she doesn't need to have access to the internet. She's already proven she's not capable of acting appropriately while using it.



No 11 year old should be exploring sex in any case! It's ok to have questions, about themselves and the opposite sex. It's ok to want to explore their own bodies (behind closed doors, in private, in their own room). It's even ok to be curious about boys and their bodies. It is not ok, it is never ok, for a CHILD to explore sex - online or not - at such a young age. Especially when they barely understand themselves, nevermind others.



Your last sentence states children should be outside playing and I fully agree. However, everything preceding that does not reinforce that stance.

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Amie - posted on 01/30/2012

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Out of all that, this is what stuck out to me the most.



"no i involved the police because pictures were exchanged and thats child pornographia. I dont want an adult to get in trouble for this when she is the one who did it."



An adult who is accepting pictures from her and doesn't immediately inform you (or the police) is the one in the wrong. An adult knows better. An adult has the cognitive skill to fully understand the very serious repercussions from something of this nature. If that is why you filed the report then I hope to god they track this person down and he suffers some serious repercussions himself. That is no where near acceptable. And the excuse that a CHILD started it, is immature and lacking substance.



Our 11 year olds do not understand this fully. They can claim to but they don't. It's why every techno toy my 11 year old has is locked up tight and monitored. I trust her but I'm not an idiot. She's never given me reason to not trust her but I still keep close tabs on her, for all the reasons I've already spoken of on this thread.



I'd also start working with her on her sheep mentality. She doesn't need to be a follower to be liked. She doesn't need everyone's approval to like herself. I find that disturbing, from anyone, never mind a chld.

Sarah - posted on 01/30/2012

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Personally, I think that you have given your daughter way to much freedom. All these gadgets giving her access to adult situations are not appropriate for a child (11 is still a child). Let alone the fact that any man (or 15 year-old-boy) engaging in "sexts" with an 11 year old is breaking the law. This is contributing the the delinquency of a minor and sexual exploitation. I would report the boy/men involved. I would not allow her any of these devices until she was old enough to get a job to pay for them (even if it's 5 years away). I would take a parenting class to learn how to cope with an emotional pre-teen and get her into some counseling so that she can learn boundaries, acceptable and unacceptable behaviour, and coping skills (it's not okay to hit when you're angry). Good luck with your situation, I hope it improves for you all.

Pam - posted on 01/30/2012

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I'm going to day for the Hearing. For the comments of it staying at home.., no i involved the police because pictures were exchanged and thats child pornographia. I dont want an adult to get in trouble for this when she is the one who did it. As far as my parenting skills, I've been very close to my daughter and we even talk on a daily basis. We sit down every afternoon and talk about our days with one another. I gave her too much trust and so did her REAL father. He brought her the Ipod for Christmas and the Kindall isnt a fancy one with internet access. The cell phone allows only texting and calling thats it. So she did have limits. Peer pressure has been a big problem with her. She gives in rather than saying NO because she wants to fit in. I know WE( Dad, step Dad and I are going to set even stricter rules, and All trust is gone between us. Shes going to have to earn it back. Spanking her when she acted out on Friday night wouldnt have done anything but showed that when she becomes violent, I get violent with her. i was being a parent, I was taking her items from her for lying to me and thats when she got violent and animalistic with her parents. I think spending the weekend in juvie will correct her and let her know that hitting a parent or two isnt acceptable behavior and that their are cosequences to this kind of behavior outside the parental consequences. She had inappropriate pictures on the IPOD that could have gotten my husband , her Father, or I in trouble with the feds. So thats why I called the police to file a report. She admitted to hitting us and the Cop said she had to go to juvie for Battery family Violence.

Kelina - posted on 01/29/2012

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Then Amie you had a much different upbringing than I did. Despite the fact I didn't have sex until I was 17 It was on my mind from the time I was about 10. But I made good decisions. I wasn't able to do sports, by the time I was interested in them, my mom didn't know enough about me. Thinking about sex, having sex, dating, these are all things that should be left until our children are older. I'd love to think that I can lock my daughter in a closet and not let her date until she's 30. But the fact is that I can't. All I can do is be involved in her life and try to raise her with the rights values and beliefs and be there for her if she makes mistakes. And the facts are that stuff like this does happen. Kids are all different. If my daughters thinking about sex at such a young age I hope to God I know about it, and that I can be a good enough parent to know what to do and understand her. How the world should be and how the world is are rarely even remotely similar, let alone exactly the same. There are things out there that we can't control. All we can do is pray that we can deal with them properly if they ever come up in our lives.

Kelina - posted on 01/28/2012

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btw I'm 22. I know I'm young. But I think anyone who forgets what it felt like to be a child should have to go live it again. And I identify with this girl to an extent. whether she's like me or not, I don't really know, I only know what her mom has posted-that she gets straight a's, is a people pleaser, mom so didn't see this coming, and yet she has a wild side.

Kelina - posted on 01/28/2012

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I absolutely agree with you that technology isn't required to read. I still read the old fashioned way, I can't stand looking at a screen. And I've already admitted I have absolutely no idea what can and can't get on the internet, last I heard the kindles were only for reading books. If that's the case, why take it away? Does she have books in ehr house she enjoys? If not, what else is she going to do? From the sounds of things, you're more like me in that you enjoy the old fashioned way of doing things and aren't particularly into technology. But this girl had a kindle, a cell phone, and an i pod touch, which would say to me high technology family much like my dads was. I also agree with you that at 11 they shouldn't be exploring sex, but the fact is they do and they will and she is. We can't change that. I'm fully expecting my kids to be exploring sex at a young age. I know that everything I did is not safe. Teh fact that this girl is using ehr own phone and probably her own online account suggests to me she doesn't know the repercussions of it. Which would make me ask, where is she getting her information from? her friends? because we all know how well that goes. A partial version of it from school? I don't ever remember being educated in stuff like online predators at school, I got all my info from tv. What I was trying to say is that if she's doing this stuff it may not be because she's trying to get into trouble, but because she's trying to explore who she is, and more of her wild side without getting out in the real world and getting hurt. Going to parties, doing drugs, smoking, drinking etc. those are all real world things that can get you real world hurt. Physically raped, beaten, tortured, addicted and killed. Being stupid and turning online into real world gets those things too. But using a fake msn name, with a fake profile, with no pictures and talking to random guys to explore your wild side a bit? never giving out personal information? Just because she's doing somehting stupid that doesn't necessarily mean she IS stupid. Mom just has to figure out whats what and educate her daughter. and absolutely at 11 she should be outside playing! that doesn't mean she is. For all we know she could cloister herself in her room and her devices are her most significant means of outside contact. If she's anything like I was, outside of online I had friends who were just as goody two shoes as I was but online I could be anyone I wanted to be. That's what makes sexual predators so dangerous. And it was the only release i had because the real world was way too dangerous.

Amie - posted on 01/28/2012

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Oh and another thing.... taking away a Kindle (or the like) doesn' take away books! My children have loads of books, so do myself and my husband. We also own a tablet that we could load books onto but we don't.



We read our books. Technology isn't required to read.

Kelina - posted on 01/28/2012

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ok then take that away too lol shows how much technology we have in my house. We don't even own a microwave :)

Kelina - posted on 01/28/2012

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So my questions are these-1) how is she paying for teh cell phone? could you not just refuse to pay her bill? 2) is the 15 year old in your area? does hse even know him? what about the other men she's been texting, has she ever met them? 3) are you open with her about sex, it's reprecussions emotionally and physically? Do you know if she's actually likely to be sexually active? and 4) what did you do the first time you caught-for lack of a better word- her talking to boys inappropriately? I remember being 11. I was also a good student, and a parent pleaser. But I also wanted to explore. I was bit better at it than your daughter, i used my friends msn, and only ever at her house where her parents never bothered checking, just to give you the heads up. I did the same thing, random chats with guys i didn't know, but there was no way in hell I'd have ever met up with them. I was too smart for that, I knew what could happen. Honestly, what teen with cable doesn't these days? But online sex gave me opportunities to explore a different side of myself and was safe. i dn't know how open you are with your daughter but by the age of 9 I knew more about sex than my mom did with 3 kids and she'd never ever have talked to me about it. The baby conversation went something like, do you know how babies are made? well ya. how? I'd think after three kids you'd know that mom. She never bothered another attempt. I also understand why you called the cops, and that it escalated far beyond what you thought it would. Chances are you just wanted to scare her, let her know that mom wasn't going to tolerate that behaviour and there was nothing you could do once it had been set in motion. But the fact is you're now going to have to work your ass off to maintain the balance between being a mom and making things right. You don't want this ever to happen again. You want a good relationship with your daughter and you want her to be safe. taht's what every good parent wants. You may find out that this weekend has scared her straight, that she's never going to do anything like that again. But I know if it had been my mom, i'd have hated her even more and trusted her even less than I already did. That's a gap you're going to have to figure out how to bridge but my suggestion-let her explore. BE open. If she asks you for birth control, don't jump down her throat or ask why, support her, be open with her about sex and it's repercussions. And as you're trying to win back her trust, be prepared for tests. Show her you're her parent but you're also there for her no matter what. And don't give her back her devices except the kobo. Honestly I don't understand taking away her books. If she can't read, what else is she going to do? IF she gets back the others, she needs to earn them back not have them given back out of guilt. But personally, I don't think an 11 year old needs a cell phone or an i pod touch. She's still a kid. She should be out playing at the park, not going places she'll need a cell phone.

Charlie - posted on 01/28/2012

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Wow you really crossed a line with her there, there are so many things wrong with scenario that others have already addressed .



All I can say is I hope you can improve on your parenting technique and one day establish a better relationship with your daughter.



There seems to be lacking mutual respect and open communication.

Mabel - posted on 01/28/2012

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Oh and another thing to think about...if she has started her period already at her age you might want to consider the possibility of her getting pregnant while she is in juvie.Sorry to say Pam but,you messed that one up and made her whole kicking and shoving fit into a full blown I hate my mom phase. Kids don't forget easily.Good luck and start acting and being this girls mother.

Jodi - posted on 01/28/2012

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Yeah, but she's 11.....this is a parenting issue not a police issue.

Dana - posted on 01/28/2012

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Jodi, I imagine she called them for the shoving and kicking and the part about "she was a bit violent with us".





That being said....I probably wouldn't have called the police on her, but at the same time, I'm not in your position either. When she comes home I hope you are able to come to an agreement peacefully. Good luck.

Jodi - posted on 01/28/2012

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Why on earth would you land your 11 year old in juvie for a lie? If she does this all the time, I could understand your frustration, but if she does this all the time, why the HECK does she have all this technology and freedom anyway? She is ELEVEN. And you call the cops on her? Ugh.

Pam - posted on 01/27/2012

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BTW she is a straight A's student and very gifted and has always been a child that loves to please. I didnt see this coming at all!

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