11 year old ignores me now. What's the best way to address?

Christina - posted on 12/07/2012 ( 9 moms have responded )

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My daughter is 11 and in middle school. Her thing to do now is not answer me or just shake her head slightly to answer a "yes" or "no" question. I simply say I deserve and answer, but she still does it when she is in trouble. So I decided to ignore her for 20 minutes this morning. She apologized but I disregarded her and continued doing what I was doing. She didn't like that. I took her phone away for the weekend and she is in her room after school. She did the same thing to her father when he drove her to the bus stop. She talks very very low when she actually does answer us.

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Kelly - posted on 12/08/2012

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@ Christina I don't blame you,when my son gets to be a teen if he ignores me I don't think I'd enjoy that at all! Thankful he is 15 months old so I still get a while before the lovely teen/pre teen attitude roles around! Lol



Also for the apology,did you ignore it because she does that a lot.like she will apologise and then be rude straight away and just throw around sorry to get her own way? If so I do understand my sister who is 12 (big age gap between us) always does this to my mum and it frustrates my mum to no end! She use to ignore the apology but recently she says to my sister "Thank you for apologising but you can't just expect to say sorry and have everyone forget about how rude you were to them" it really made my sister think and she's been quite a bit more respectful to everyone (she still thinks she knows everything and is rude here and there,aren't all kids that age?) but it really worked.



Good luck Hun! Xx

Jodi - posted on 12/08/2012

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Can I clarify? She apologised for her behaviour and you ignored her apology? Not sure this is a good idea. Her coming to you and apologising is a positive behaviour. Why would you ignore that?

Wanda - posted on 12/09/2012

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There seems to be a lack of communication going on when she thinks she can get away with just saying sorry.. as parents we have to sometimes repeat our reasons for doing certain things and for administering certain punishments..



an apology should always be accepted and never ignored, but at the same time make sure you clearly explain that a simple apology does not take away the fact that she behaved inappropriately and she has to learn how to be more respectful if she wishes to be respected as well..



Good luck with this as I know every child at this age goes through puberty differently and is learning how to find who they are as they grow older.. be strong, be firm, but most importantly be loving and consistent!!

Kelly - posted on 12/07/2012

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Keep doing what your doing they're all developing a attitude at this age.Take away her phone,computer,free time,take away her toys (if she still has toys) take away favourite tops or favourite body sprays make her do chores take away her allowance,take away all the things that give her joy until she starts to respect you.Good luck but these next few years are going to suck news she's becoming a teen there's going to be attitude galore!

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To me it sounds like a self esteem issue. Talking low is a sign of not WANTING to be heard for fear of opposition or some other negative reaction. It could have happened only one time and that can stay with a child for a LONG time. (until they grow up usually--and that's about, what? 35? lol) It may not have happened at all but if she has low self esteem or is shy that could be a reason. In my experience and reading this doesn't sound like a "defiance" issue. Good luck!

Jodi - posted on 12/09/2012

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I can understand, in that case, why you ignored her apology too. If they are hollow apologies, then she may as well not apologise, and she does need to understand that. Hopefully that has sent a message to her. Good luck!

Christina - posted on 12/09/2012

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Maybe I should have accepted the apology, but I had it with her just looking at me like she wants to kill me while ignoring my questions. I have never ignored her before, and when I ignored that apology I finally hit something that woke her up.

Christina - posted on 12/09/2012

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She apologizes because she wants her phone back. Not because she is really sorry. Every time she apologizes she asks to be off punishment. My answer is always "no", and then come her yelling at me and talking back to me because she feels as though as long as she verbalizes that she is sorry there is no need for punishment.

Christina - posted on 12/08/2012

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thank you. I am going to have to do this until she gets it. I hate being ignored.

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