13 1/2 year old daughter - first boyfriend, broken heart

Lori - posted on 02/01/2012 ( 112 moms have responded )

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I have a 13 1/2 year old daughter who just had her first boyfriend. She liked him very much and I think he felt the same, but he ended up breaking up with her for another girl that he cheated on her with. My daughter is sad and can't seem to get over it. Neither can I quite frankly. They still talk once in awhile, and we think he still has feelings for my daughter. She tried to date another boy who is her ex's friend, but the ex put a stop to it. She has lost her self esteem. She has used the words that she is worthless and has told her ex she just wasn't good enough for him. Any advice? I hate to see my beautiful girl like this.

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Kay - posted on 02/01/2012

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My mom had a great tradition for my sisters and me.



We called it a 'pig party'. We loaded up on snacks, put on some man hating music, and invited those closest to us. Two rules: one, no males allowed--not even the dog, and two, no one was to call the ex by name. He was officially the pig.



I know what some ladies are thinking--was she crazy to encourage emotional eating? But that really was never the point. Instead of crying ourselves to sleep, we discussed our pain with people that we trusted, in a place where we felt safe. We always focused on what was good about the heartbroken--reinforced her self-esteem by reminding her that she was wonderful and it was his loss.



At the end of the ritual, Mom would give the heartbroken a single red rose, and she always used the same speech--"This rose is from the One. He is so sorry that he can't be here to comfort you, but he wants you to know that he thinks you are beautiful, wonderful, smart, and generally amazing. He says this rose does not do any of that justice, but it will have to do until he can be here himself."



When my fiancé gave me a dozen red roses the first time, I cried, and he was so confused! He did not understand what he had done wrong. Of course, that is because he hadn't done anything--I was just reminded of every rose Mom had given me growing up, and it just added a whole new depth to his expression of affection.



Good luck. I hope she perks up soon!

Sarah - posted on 02/01/2012

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I'd not let her date until she's more mature to handle it. 13? I think it's a bit young to date personally. Maybe if she's having a hard time coping, take her to a counselor.

Kay - posted on 02/02/2012

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I sincerely hope the moderators will allow this. If not, I am sorry and please delete it. :)



Ladies, this mom did not ask for our opinions on what age her daughter should date. Obviously, that ship has sailed. She asked us for advice on how she can help her daughter.



I know what you are saying. "I gave her advice--my advice was not to let her daughter date so young." and honestly, if it were a mom asking what a good age for her daughter to date is, I would be rating such posts as "helpful", "encouraging", "nice", and maybe an occasional "funny".



But that really is not the topic here, and what we are effectively doing is alienating a member of our community by our posts, and I don't think any of us really want to do that.



Not only that, but "dating" could be as simple as has been described--hanging out at school (which she could do with or without her Mom's knowledge, and personally as a mother, I would want her to know it was okay to talk with me about it), holding hands. Maybe going to the mall with groups of friends. All of which are activities that are not, in and of themselves, emotionally damaging and traumatizing.



You ladies are wonderful. I love the advice and depth of experience I find on COM. I love the companionship. Not to mention, y'all keep me ceaselessly entertained during conference calls like this one! I just hate to see a thread get so off track.



If I might be so bold as to suggest some redirection: Why don't we take the age out? Instead, what would you ladies do to cheer up your daughter (of any age) after her first heartbreak?



Thanks for reading, and I apologize for the lengthy post!



Kay

Pamela - posted on 02/02/2012

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How does a 13 year old cheat? They are way too young to handle intimacy, too young to make life choices for mates.....of course they broke up! - they are thirteen. Life, their attention spans, and their hearts are nothing more than fluttering little butterflys. Keep her close to home and under a watchful eye or your butterfly will get hurt.

We taught our children that dating was for findng a mate. If you weren't old enough to get married, you weren't old enough to be dating.

Simona - posted on 02/02/2012

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13 and a half is way too young to have a seriously boyfriend, guy friends fine but seriously what about girl friends and sleep overs and shopping trips. I may sound old but why do kids these days want to grow up faster than they need to. As a parent I would never allow my child to start dating so young, my step daughter's mother lets her do it I completely disagree with it.

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Melissa - posted on 09/20/2012

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I'm not sure about the breaking up thing but even if you dont think 13 yr olds should be dating why would you say these things to this woman? She is asking for help whats done is done. My daughter is 12, she has had a boyfriend for 5 1/2 months now. I take all kinds of crap about it, but to tell you the truth, she has so much more in common with him than any girls she knows. They are always supervised and know they can both come to me about anything! As far as the ex goes, I would advise her to stay away from dating guys that he is friends with at least for now. And let her know that you understand her feelings are real( at least to her) and that there is no one in the world that is better than she is. Tell her she needs to find that guy who makes her realize that. And that there is no doubt that he is out there. If you talk bad about the ex its only going to make her want him more!!!!! It seems like a lot of these moms have forgotten what that first love felt like! And age has nothing to do with it!!!!!! Good Luck to your sweet little girl!!!

Kimberly - posted on 09/17/2012

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All u parents out there that say "oh, well I wont LET my child date or have a boyfriend until..." Please! You are clueless & as naive as your child. I have a barely 14 yr old I forbade from dating. All's she did was lie & date behind my back. Leaving her worse off. Because now she's on her own & can't come to me & I can't guide her through this rough road. So before u judge or get on your soap boxes. Never say never!! The older they get, the less control you have. Its terrifying out there ladies. I was always so damn careful & strict with my daughter. Who she hung with, where she was allowed to go, which parents I trusted to keep my rules while my child was @ there house. I trusted only 1 intimately. Other Moms talk a good game how they have everything under control & keep close tabs. Don't believe it ladies. I followed thru & found all but 1 Mom actually watch her child closely like I did. U know what?! Despite all this & the endless information, private GOOD QUALITY sex talks, close.monitoring. She STILL went against everything she declared had sex anyways! Its easy to say what you will do. Especially when their younger & you still feel that control still in your hands. I am extremely close with my daughter. She should have the esteem of a goddess after all me & her Dad have said & done consistently. Turns out. One single event that took her self esteem was all it took for her to go against her values & convictions. She used her body as a bargaining chip to keep her boyfriend. Not so special huh?! Sorry. I stumbled on this & I just discovered this 2 days ago. I'm searching the net how to get thru to her & where I failed. Idk what I could of done different. Another word of advise. Don't get lax if u allow your kid on FB! Private page or not. I wish I never gave in to it. Wish even more I checked it last month. I might of prevented my precious beautiful child from making such a horrific choice & from telling the world (her entire HS) in such crass words, what she did with this boy. He broke up with her 2 weeks later fyi. After reading their posts. He not only used her for sex. But what's worse, she let him by saying she would do things with him probably shortly after, IF she was his girlfriend. She set herself up 100%. & doesn't even realize what she did. Watch her, gaurd & protect her heart. I wanted her to make love her 1st time & BE in love. Much later too! She always said "Girls who have sex @ my age are sluts! I'm waiting til 18 @ least & I'll only do it if we r together a year." Idk where she lost that conviction or how the hell she thought she was remotely ready. But here we are. My worse nightmare as a Mom. I had suspended her account on FB a month be4. I trusted she would abide by my wishes. I got lax & didn't listen to my gut. Keep them close ladies. Don't mourn the loss of their innocence like me & be riddled with "if only I.." I in theory did most everything right. Yet, here's my baby with a broken heart, no esteem & she doesn't even realize the corner she's put herself in. She told EVERYONE @ school. She's a freshman. I'm waiting for the consequences of that to unfold next. She has no idea what I unfortunately KNOW is coming her way next. Us Moms need to look out for our own AND the kids you are intrusted with by other parents. If you aren't willing to do this. Then don't tell parents u will & not have your kids have sleepovers or play dates even. Don't just talk the talk. Step up & walk the walk! Stakes r WAY TO HIGH to do anything less.

User - posted on 03/11/2012

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I am sorry but this child should be thinking about school, not a boy. You need to redirect her focus into school work. No Dating too darn young.

Jennifer - posted on 03/06/2012

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First off.. YOU ARE AN AMAZING MOM TO BE THERE FOR YOUR DAUGHTER LIKE THIS!!! That is GOLD! Second: HAve you though of together joining some activities (mom and daughter).. As a 30 something looking back it sound like alot of relationships I was in.. which now that I see.. your daughter was not treated well. She needs to know what its like to be treated better. I think this is an open door for you to get close to her, share your own life experiences and hold her while she cries.. paint your nails together or whatever you both like to do.. this is when a girl needs her mom the most. That boy is not okay. To cheat her and then try to sbabtoge a new reltaionship.. take her to some classes that deal with emotional abuse and control.. and then together take a kick boxing course.. builds self esteem and a good body!!! My heart goes out to her but DONT let it become a pattern for her.. Step in and use this time to get close to her. If I were this boys' mother.. I would be ashamed.

Carrie - posted on 03/06/2012

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As a mother of three girls and a leader of teenagers for 15 years, I just have to ask, where is dad in all of this? Teenage girls need their dads from the beginning in dealing with all of these things (see Kevin Lehman's What a Difference a Daddy Makes - good book). I got this book for my husband for his first father's day and it really made a mark.



Dad should be the one taking her out on dates and telling her that she is an amazing jewel that a boy would be blessed to know. He should be treating her so well that any boy can hardly measure up so that she is not so easily impressed. HE should tell her that she is beautiful, smart, and worthy of admiration, not cheating. She needs to know that if a boy is not smart enough to treat her right, then he is not worthy of her. This is a practice and message that cannot start at too young of an age for our girls.

Holly - posted on 02/29/2012

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I have a 17 1/2 year old that is going through this right now. She is seeing a counselor about this and other things. Her counselor has told her that dating in high school is practicing until you meet the right one. She is still heartbroken and feels that she isn't good enough. This is so hard as a mom to deal with. You can't fix them, you can love them and remind them that they are beautiful. My heart goes out to this mom, a broken heart at any age is hard to deal with. What a great tradition the poster earlier has with her girls, I wish I had something like this for my girl.

Kristi - posted on 02/29/2012

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13 is too young to date. There are so many pressures out there now and letting her date only adds to it. I was 14 when I had my first boyfriend, even though my parents didn't really like it. He was actually only allowed to come to our house and they let him drive me to a school concert one time. I was way too young. You also said he cheated on her. I'm not sure what that means at 13 but these days kids are sexually active much sooner so I hope that's not what you mean. Encourage her and let her know she is not worthless. There will be many boys that break her heart and she will probably break a few herself.

Jes - posted on 02/24/2012

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OMG I can't imagine that situation...I don't know what to say but this article interests me. I wish to read other mom's advice soon :)

Lina - posted on 02/20/2012

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i am sorry but i think that she is to young to b dating!!!! i have 2 girls one is 9 and the other almost 12!!! she knows that we do not allow for her to have a date...we always tell her...does he has a car? can he pick u up? so if he doesn'T HOW OR WHERE r u going to date him? besides save yourself some tears...because right now more than likely would b a very short relationship. so why do u want to do that to yourself? you would have lots of opportunities to date...and to find someone worth of you. We talk very clear about everything....and even when we know she would loves to b like everybody else in her school.....she does make the right choices, and understand what we r trying to tell her.....comunication is the key...but also they need to know that is rules for everything...even dating...and the time would come...the right time.

Tina - posted on 02/16/2012

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My daughter turns 14 tomorrow and has had the same issue(and me). She is having very real and hard feelings right now, that she is dealing with.(but can sound very scary to a caring mom) however this will(!) build her positive character-in the end. But for now we support her feelings by only listening to her crys' and answering only, with what she needs to hear. with this experience she will be weary of relationships and know what she'll want in a person when she is old enough to have a long term commitment. Best of wishes to us all

Lisebo - posted on 02/07/2012

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I don't think she should be dating at her age bt you need to sit down with her and tell that he is not worth it, there are many boys out there.

Alexandra - posted on 02/07/2012

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i think you should continue supporting your daughter. and I think distractions work best: take her to museums, cook together, have a game night, lots of good stuff that can keep her mind away from all this. maybe she is not emotionally ready to be with someone in these terms. give it time, it will pass.

Megan - posted on 02/06/2012

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Okay, NO ONE can tell you your daughter can't date. If you feel that she is responsible enough to be in a relationship that is your business. I am 27, my first "boyfriend" was in 4th grade. People need to realize that "cheating" and "dating" at that age does NOT mean sex. I dated the same boy (SAM) from 4th grade on and off through the 8th grade. And cheating at that age could just mean he kissed someone else, or started spending a lot of time with a different girl.

I can honestly say that SAM was my first love. And every time we broke up it hurt like hell. All I wanted was to get back together with him. We always kept in touch. In high school he was my BEST friend. He always looked out for me. When stuff got rough with my family he was there for me. I can remember holding him while he cried over some other girl breaking his heart our Sophomore year. Other posters are saying "dating is only to find a life partner" and as much as I agree with that. You can't dismiss her feelings. SAM and I talked about getting married after high school. I never even kissed him. My husband planned on marrying his high school sweet heart too. It just hardly ever works out like that.

Right now, your daughter needs to be reminded that no matter what she's got her whole life a head of her. And she needs someone to hold her and tell her it will get better. To this day I still occasionally talk to SAM. I've been happily married for almost four years, and we have a beautiful little girl. He is engaged to a great woman and they plan to get married this summer.

As parents it is our job to protect our children but no matter how old they get we can't protect them from this. We just need to rely on the experiences we've had and guide them through these hurt-filled times.

Jessica - posted on 02/05/2012

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I remember having a broken heart many times while growing up. My parents would let me have my greiving period for a week or so, then remind me that there are many other boys in the world and I shouldn't settle down too soon.

I also remember having a neighbor girls, little sisters, best friend end up pregnant at 12 years old. She realized her mistake too late (no I am not saying babies are a mistake, just the situation) and gave birth to twins two months before her 13th birthday. This girl had never had sex ed and her parents were not open with her about sexual activity or what could happen without precautions.

I would hate to be a teenaged girl at this time with all the pressures of sex from the media, tv, magazines, etc. Just protect her and talk to her about the important things in life-like looking out for yourself.

Good luck!

Pamela - posted on 02/04/2012

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Self esteem issues run rampant in the teens. I have no idea what your belief system is but if you understand about your chakra centers you can have your daughter do I quick chakra healing which if done everyday will not only boost her self esteem, but will increase her energy period.



Go to:http://www.chakrahealing.com, have her take the 3 min. chakra test (It's free) and go from there. You will receive an email with the results of the test immediately and you can go from there.



In fact, I suggest that each member in the family take the test! You may be surprised at what you find out about yourselves.

Korissa - posted on 02/04/2012

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I am not going to read the comments to see what any one else has said on this subject because I am actually appalled AT YOU! WHAT ARE YOU THINKING LETTING A 13 YR OLD CARRY ON A RELATIONSHIP LIKE THAT?! Cheating? Are they having sex already too? 13yr old children should still be playing with dolls and most aren't even ready for PG-13 movies! The point of dating is to find a life partner. Letting them do it too early can cause a slew of problems in their adult lives! You say she has no self esteem anymore. Well DUH! She didn't even know who she was yet! And now an adolescent boy has helped shape who she will be and how she will feel about herself. If she feels like she has to base he self worth of a little boy who hasn't hit puberty yet then she is obviously not mature enough to date. OBVIOUSLY!

Ella - posted on 02/04/2012

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School is her most important job in life right now. Socialization is important, so engage her in after school groups like track, dance, karate, etc......she is not old enough for relationship stuff beyond cell phone calls /texting periodically....steer her toward a career....ella

Kendra - posted on 02/04/2012

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At the end of the day, it's YOUR daughter and you must do what you feel is best! I pray all goes well and she "bounces back" stronger than ever!

Much love!

Yurena - posted on 02/04/2012

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It does happen but not in all families. High expectations at home translate on better outcome in my experience. It is not a question of being lenient cos 'they are going to do it anyway'.

Kendra - posted on 02/04/2012

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MOTHERS, I say......We are our children's (girls & boys) protectors/ advocates! It is not 1940, when 13& 14yr olds were "courting," married by 14 or 15, & starting a family of their own by 15! My GRANDparents (paternal & maternal) were married w/ children by 16 & stayed married until they died! This is the yr of 2012, where our children choose alternate lifestyles, commit suicide, disrespect themselves & others, and party! What is going on! Again, I say, MOTHERS! We must protect and guide our children! A "little" God gies a "long" way! Your decision was made when you allowed your 13 1/2yr old daughter to date and YOU need to make her understand that grown-up actions come w/ grown up re-actions/ consequences! You and your daughter's father need to explain the ramifications of "dating" to her and make sure she feels comfortable enough to come to you! This is the real world and, to a teenager, sometimes the emotional heartbreak from a relationship is the end of the world!

Much love!

Lori - posted on 02/04/2012

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for those who have asked cheating on her, yes - 13 and 14 year olds are kissing, petting, etc. It even happens in schools.

Sherita - posted on 02/04/2012

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I agree to young to date, needs more focus on school and school activities. Now a days its alot goin on in the world and what has been exposed to the children is sexuality. U never know what might happen when ur daughter is not around and she is with a boyfriend. Eventhough the kids been taught about the sex thing u never know it just might happen. But talk with her let her know that she is beautiful and worth to be loved.

Sally - posted on 02/03/2012

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Oh, this is the first of many....time heals, til she finds another.....13?! Get her busy w/ other stuff, get her 'out there', sports, activities, volunteering, get her mind off it....there's more & Better out there!! Because YOU can't get it off UR mind maybe that has a bearing on Her NOT too....C' Mon Mom.....Also, don't let her EX dictate WHO she can date!! We're Girls, but Damit don't let the Men Rule!!

Janet - posted on 02/03/2012

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Thankfully, from the time my kids were tiny I told them they couldn't date until 16. They didn't. They aren't ready at 13. If you allowed, supported, then she thought it was okay. It's not. They aren't ready. He "cheated"? What? Are you serious? Get her involved in an activity she loves, fill her time with things she loves to do. Girls get so wrapped up in boys they lose themselves. Let her build who she is so when she starts to date she doesn't put the boy first - she continues to flourish in her own acitivities and spends time with her 'boyfriend' when she has time. You are all crazy. Roses? Counselor. Parent your child. Period. Set limits. 13 is too young. If you set limits and give consequences consistently, you protect your kids from unneccessary emotional heartache. Pull in the reins NOW. Let her know that YOU erred, she wasn't ready (as no girl is at 13) for a boyfriend. Have you not read the research? Parents who allow their daughters to date at a young age (12 or 13) have a much higher rate of daughters who are engaging in sex (yes...SEX) before they are 16. Our kids EXPECT us to set the limits. Do it now. Geesh.

Tamala - posted on 02/03/2012

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My 12 year old son had a girlfriend last year and the same thing happened to him! I have told him now that he doesn't need a girlfriend until he is 16 and to concentrate on his school work. He can have as many female friends as he likes but no "girl friends". He had his first year at high school last year and was asked out by a few girls but simply told them no! Even if you feel like the bad mother I think the excuse that they are not allowed to have a boy/girlfriend gives them an easy out!! They are so young and there will be plenty of time for relationships later on. Just let them enjoy being themselves and making new friends. Goodluck.

Diane - posted on 02/03/2012

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I would just like to ad that there is a huge difference between boys & girls. My 10 yr old son has had a "gf" for 2 years already. Although this year it started getting a little more serious...there were Xmas presents exchanged etc and she tries to kiss him constantly. He really isn't there yet but all his friends envy him so he feels cool. Girls feelings are totally different he tried to break up with her once and she hysterically cried. I don't read to much into it cause they really never see each other etc it's just puppy love! Like I said in my last post it's about the relationship you build with your children. My son talks to me I read all the texts & the same goes for my 13 1/2 yr old daughter. She trusts me & I trust her but above all I am her mother not her friend. Another. Thing that's important is how the mom & dad treat each other. Girls & boys both learn good/ bad lessons from how their parents treat each other.

Diane - posted on 02/03/2012

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I would just like to ad that there is a huge difference between boys & girls. My 10 yr old son has had a "gf" for 2 years already. Although this year it started getting a little more serious...there were Xmas presents exchanged etc and she tries to kiss him constantly. He really isn't there yet but all his friends envy him so he feels cool. Girls feelings are totally different he tried to break up with her once and she hysterically cried. I don't read to much into it cause they really never see each other etc it's just puppy love! Like I said in my last post it's about the relationship you build with your children. My son talks to me I read all the texts & the same goes for my 13 1/2 yr old daughter. She trusts me & I trust her but above all I am her mother not her friend. Another. Thing that's important is how the mom & dad treat each other. Girls & boys both learn good/ bad lessons from how their parents treat each other.

Lori - posted on 02/03/2012

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Thank you for your kind words and advice. I know a lot of people are saying 13 is too young, but I would rather have her tell me everything (which she does), than go behind my back and date.

Amy - posted on 02/03/2012

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I am sorry to hear about your daughter's first heartbreak, as a mom that must be gutwrenching to watch. I have a son, just turned 9, and no daughters so obviously I can't comment with firsthand experience as a parent.



However, I do remember being 13. At that age "going out" meant talking on the phone and maybe seeing the kid at a dance. We never went anywhere and there was no actual relationship. My concerns for your daughter are her lack of self esteem and that she may not learn what a healthy relationship is from this boy.



He cheated on her and it sounds like he's trying to have control over her even after they have broken up. That's not healthy and she needs to know that. she also needs to know, as almost everyone else has said, that her self worth does not come from anyone else, be it a boyfriend or a friend. She has to put value on herself or nobody else is going to.



Goodluck, and a night of ben and jerry's and sixteen candles might help. Always worked for me :-)

Heather - posted on 02/03/2012

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I have 2 girls (3rd and 6th grader) and they are not allowed to date till they are 16. We have talked about this and my girls are fine with it. They don't spend all their time in their rooms talking about this boy and that. They focus on themselves and friends. They go to school, get good grades, participate in school activities, band, church, and sports. I feel that they are already going to have enough time dealing with girl drama they don't need to be bogged down with the boyfriend drama at the same time. Girls are lacking self esteem at this age and need to develop that before they are even close to dating.

Jamie - posted on 02/03/2012

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I agree with Tania. Unless you plan n being at your child's side ALL the time, they will find a way to do what they what. Having an open communication is so key in this day and age. Not that you may agree with what some of their decisions are, but at least you know what's "really" going on in their life. It is better to educate as much as possible so they know the facts before making decisions. I was almost 17 before I started dating, and I had to hide it from my dad for awhile. My mom always knew where I was at, not saying that it made it right, but it was hard growing up in a abusive/alcoholic family. Dating is just another milestone in life. There is concern that he interfered with her new relationship?? Was he a controlling kid? Please don't let confusion set in with him wanting to be with her when he might just want to control her. This is a mistake many grown adults do as well. I'm sure she will have her heart hurt by her own friends over the next couple years as well, definately a trying time for children in the middle/high school age group.

Clare - posted on 02/03/2012

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Call me old-fashioned but i can't help thinking 13 1/2 is a little young .... something caught my attention on the tube the other day. A couple of teenagers were cuddling-up and kissing in the seats opposite whilst the girl’s mum sat next to them. I know she was the girl’s mum because they looked like twins born 30 years apart. They seemed to be in L......

click to read on and please tell us what you think

http://childalert.co.uk/streetsmartkids/...

Tania - posted on 02/03/2012

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have to disagree with everyone on here saying 13 is to young to date. What will happen when you forbid it is that your child will still date anyways. Only you wont know about it! Unless you snoop through their belongings (ie diary) or eavesdrop. I have 4 kids 17,14,12 and 9. We tried the whole "no you cant date until you are older" and guess what? It didnt stop them! Now we are more relaxed on the rules and they are actually talking to us about feelings, thoughts and relationships. When it isnt forbidden ground the kids dont even make that big of a deal about it. My 17 year old went through a phase from 14-15 with dating and decided for himself he wasnt ready! My 14 yo daughter now has her first "boyfriend" which consists of talking on the phone, facebook and hanging out at school! How do I know this? Because she feels safe enough to come to me and discuss it. I met my husband at 14 and dated him secretly behind my parents back for 2 years because I wasnt allowed to date until 16! Didnt stop me :)

As for advice, it sounds like you are doing everything right by talking to your daughter. She knows that you are there for her and will appreciate that. I do like the "pig party" just be careful not to place too much negative thoughts on the poor boy. Your daughter needs to understand that it didnt work out not hate the poor kid!

BethAnn - posted on 02/03/2012

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I guess I am out of it, because my 12 year will not be allowed to have a boyfriend at that age...Aren't we pushing our kids to grow up a little young? Every girl I knew in high school who had boyfriends that young, either ended up pregnant or have been divorced and or in bad relationships. Girls that age are still trying to figure out who they are as a person, it is not the time to be fixated that much on a boy.... Check out the Secret Keeper Girl website for some great and valuable info on teen girls, on dating and self esteem issues. I have found great info there. Also Nicole o'dell has written some terrific books for teen girls and their parents. Nancy Rue is another terrific auther. They also have facebook and websites...She needs to find the value in herself- not a boy. She is only 13....Way too young...

Sheila - posted on 02/03/2012

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Well if she has a father in her life you should speak to him about having a talk with her. If she doesn't have a father in her life maybe an uncle or a male cousin someone who is and can be a father figure for her during this difficult time. If you attend church maybe the pastor could speak to her. She needs to be affirmed as a young girl that she is who she is and that no man or in this case young boy not wanting to be in her life makes her any less of who she is. Although she is very young to have to be going through this you guys can and will find the balance in it. If you are a mother who prays and believes in it pray for her ans well as with her. And watch God turn this situation around

Jamie - posted on 02/03/2012

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I have to disagree with some mothers. 13 might be too young t date to a certain degree, but if we are just talking hanging out at the mall our your parents home (with supervision) then there is nothing to worry about. As far as saying she is not mature enough, sadly some teenagers are more mature than some adults. So, I don't think it's fair to assume that she's not mature. Life is not all roses and sunshine. And unfortunately it's the heartbreaks and sometimes wrong decisions that teach us to be mature. Yes, it is frustrating to see your child upset, but as long as you are supportive and uplifting what more can you do.

Lora - posted on 02/03/2012

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13 1/2 is way to young to date! I have 5 children and the rule has always been 16 or older to date. At 13 children are not mentally mature enough to know what dating really is about. They are going through a lot of physical changes of their own, the last thing that they need to worry about is what a boy/girl thinks about them. You mentioned in your post that you, also, are having a hard time getting over their break up-what in the world?! Yes, as parents we get involved in our children's lives but I would have been thankful that it ended. As for her 'ex' still having feelings for her and being able to influence others that want to date her, you should be very concerned. This is the type of young man that can cause serious problems for your daughter. This young man is trying to control her and sounds like he was and is doing a pretty good job of it. As for what do you tell her to make her feel better-keep letting her know what an amazing young lady that she is. Point out all of her good qualities and remind her that no one is perfect.

Yurena - posted on 02/03/2012

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Kay (must we address each other by name? you seem to prefer it so),

Age, most of us think, does play an important part on how she perceives and grieves this relationship and herself. I teach secondary, have seen quite a few hundreds 11-18yo. Many of them dated at that age, they were not ready. Let's skip the blind naive eye, dating is just the 'preparation stage' for something else than just seeing each other on a regular basis. I know, kids confided, some of the pretty boys were charming young girls around to get in their knickers, this happens, it happended before, happens now and will happen in the future, it does not help if we do not put some limits, not saying here lock her up, just teach her how reality out there is like and look after herself, love and respect herself. I believe this is an age for friendship and crushes but not to be in each other pockets, exclusivity, jealousy and manipulation. I used to live with another teacher, one day she got home and told me that one 14 year old at her school had had a baby in the toilet that day, supposedly no one knew she was pregnant. One of my students had been proposed by the boyfriedn that had just dumped her to go off to uni on the 'we are single' and continue being 'together' when he got back during breaks. She was about to be 18, gorgeous and brilliant and still needed advice, she was actually considering it. We have an issue now in the UK with young school girls being pimped by their boyfriends to their friends and older men. This is just to illustrate it is not all innocent and cute like in the 80s movies; l suggest to let them live their puberty naturally and not encourage them to attach themselves to others that are not ready either to handle serious relationships.

But again, it's all advise well meant and Lori can take it or leave it. Very simple. I feel the lecturing about what we can advice or not in each individual post unnecessary to be honest, as long as we are respectful. I would really like to hear Lori's point of view and how is her daughter doing too, I hope she can soon feel better. xxx

Stefanie - posted on 02/03/2012

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13 is too young IMO. Few people are mature enough at this age. 16 is a good starting age (if the individual shows enough maturity). Don't rush childhood...it goes by too fast as it is...

Alfreda - posted on 02/03/2012

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For the parents harping on the age, I totally agree that is off topic and besides the point. Anyway, I would rather my daughter is talking to me than dating behind my back. It sounds like you and your daughter have a great relationship since she is confiding in you rather than bottling these feelings up. That is great. If you are overly restrictive, she may have dated this boy anyway, and then not confided and thus would feel worse about herself.



I wonder though, why this boy has so much control over her still now that they are broken up. It sounds like you are both waiting for this boy to come back to her. I think maybe she needs to tell him to let her go, because he is preventing her from healing by holding on. It is like he doesn't want to date her, but he doesn't want anybody else to have her either. He needs to give her space and leave her alone. It is fine to be friends after, but there needs to be a healing period.



I love the pig party idea. Something to help her let go.



Really all you can do is be there for her. Keep her confiding in you. Support her, tell her how lovable she is and help her see her good qualities. I know she will pass it off as you are my mom and you have to love me, but some of it will penetrate.



Find ways to keep her busy. If there is something that she is particularly good at such as sport or creative arts, this is a great outlet as she will get positive attention from people other than her mother. Make sure her father treats you with respect if he is around so she has a positive male role model. Make sure your self esteem is good, because she will learn from you.



Make sure she spends a lot of time having fun with her girlfriends.



For those asking what does it mean to cheat when you are 13, when I was 13 if a boy kissed another girl, or dated another girl holding hands and such or going to dinner, this was considered cheating. It was the intention not sex. If he was crushing on another girl. Stop being so judgmental people. This mom is doing a wonderful job supporting her daughter and obviously loves her very much.

Mandy - posted on 02/03/2012

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I would explain to her that is is all part of the process of meeting her husband and is preparing her to be a good wife. It hurts now yes, but explain to her that he just wasn't the one who was intended for her because there is someone better in the future who she will cross paths with and point out that it may not even be the next or the next, but all are stepping stones to the right one!

Ethel - posted on 02/02/2012

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Lori, my daughter, 14, is going through the same emotions and she does not have a boyfriend. It is normal at their age. The best thing that happened to my daughter was that a younger co-worker of mine stopped by, one that my daughter admires, and told my daughter how pretty she was. When she objected, the friend told her how she felt the same at her age, and someone taught her to love herself. She looked in the mirror everyday and told herself that she loves herself. Look for the things she likes about herself. One by one, she will find them. It takes time. Somehow, when I told her those things, it didn't register. But from this beautiful outsider, it made a difference. It's too bad we don't all learn to love and respect ourselves first before having a relationship. I dated waaaayyyyy to many boys searching for mister right. But I was patient and never gave up. At 27, when I found him, I was ready and we loved, respected and appreciated each other, and we still do. She must know that life will go on and every "bad" thing that happens, happens to make her stronger, not to break her ! Every day, give her a big hug, tell her you love her and and listen to her. Sometimes that's all we need. Good luck my friend.

Amanda - posted on 02/02/2012

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I feel bad for your daughter but what do you mean cheated on her....? What are 13yro kids doing that can be considered cheating...?

Susana - posted on 02/02/2012

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It sounds to me like she doesn't respect and love herself enough so she's gone outside of herself to find it. That really is what should be addressed first and foremost. Help her, every day, to come up with and remember the reasons why she is worthy of love and how amazing she already is as an individual. Help her understand that whomever she chooses to date next should feel HONORED and PRIVILEGED to have her companionship and attention, not the other way around. Help her understand how powerful and dynamic she could be if she just chose to be.

Dianna - posted on 02/02/2012

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Get her to stop talking to him - he put a stop to her new relationship? He still has feelings for her??



Teach her self respect. He has cheated on her, interfered in her new relationship and is now stringing her along and making her feel worthless!



She needs to step back from boys and look at herself and decide what she deserves!!! You need to build up her self esteem. Find activities she enjoys, encourage her to spend time with good friends and even get counselling if needed!!

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