14 yr old daughter...crying and upset as she is being excluded by classmates

Shelly - posted on 04/07/2013 ( 5 moms have responded )

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My daughter broke down crying tonight, she is in a class and some friends have being ignoring her and making her feel isolated. She feels lonely during class time but thank god she meets up with other girls [who treat her well] at break times but they are in a different class than her. She told me that she feels lonely and sad during school lessons as she has nobody to walk around with from class to class. I, as a mom, feel helpless and I know these girls in class use her and drop her when they feel like it. Should I move her to another class so she will be with her true friends or should I leave her in her class and help her to overcome this problem by getting her to stand up for herself to these girls who appear to be treating her badly? My husband thinks I am over reacting to such a small problem but I think it must be very hard for my daughter to sit in a room for 7 hrs in school and feel alone ...and if i move her now halfway through a school yr ..would it be worse for her with her school work? Help, I am lost and don't know what to do. I would value any opinion out there!!!!

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Liz - posted on 04/07/2013

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I had exactly the same problem when I was that age. My own classmates bullied me relentlessly, never physically, but always emotionally. My three best friends were in a different class. Eventually, I found emotional strength and made it clear to the girls who wished to torment me that they didn't have any real power over me at all. I laughed at them when they tried. They gave up. I got on with my life and it taught me a valuable lesson about not being a doormat. To be honest, if my mother had intervened in any way, I'd have been mortified.

I think you'll find that many, many people - both boys and girls - have experienced something similar. It's one of those almost clichéd stories from high school. Really, your daughter needs to find her own strength and her own tactics for dealing with this. Of course you can and should support her, but that is with your love, reassurance and building up of her self-esteem, not in switching classes. For all you know, she might develop the same problem in a new class, especially after moving into it halfway through the school year.

Kristi - posted on 04/08/2013

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High five, Liz! You got moxy, baby! ; )

Shelly--

At this point, I agree with Liz. Teaching or empowering your daughter to work her way through this will give her life skills that will only help her as she continues to grow up. We moved from a big city, private, Christian school with 10 kids/class where income, name brands, bullying did not apply to a small, extremely wealthy, might as well be private school where all of those things did apply at the end of April, 2 years ago. My daughter was in 5th grade.

It was a nightmare. Her teacher was a grouchy bitch because it was nearing the end of the year and she was fed up with "tweens." Apparently, this teacher was "awarded" with more boys because she was most strict, which is why she was burned out the worst. Not only that, but Aeropostale is about the biggest name brand I can afford, which was totally fine with my daughter, she's not really into that. Unfortunately, these new girls were. They called her ghetto because Aeropostale is the poor people's version of Abercrombie & Fitch. Other things she never would tell me. Thank God for our neighbor, she is friends with a woman who has a daughter the same age as my daughter. My neighbor hooked the girls up and they became fast friends. They weren't in the same class but fortunately, she did get to sit with her at lunch. Just like Liz, my daughter powered through and ended up having a great year in 6th grade. She did end up with her one friend along with a different group of kids than from 5th grade and excellent teachers.

Just like Liz, and just like my girl, your girl is going to find her inner voice and the strength to walk right past the nimrods without a second thought. Try to encourage her involvement with her other friends. Make sure they keep a strong connection and also maintain some contact over summer break, if possible.

My daughter is in middle school now so she has friends in different classes all the time. She has friends from playing different sports that she might only see at lunch and at practice but is still good friends. Those relationships make it easy for her to not want/need/wonder about the attention/time from the "popular" girls. I'm not sure how that works these days because when I ask who are the popular kids she points out about 7 or 8 kids. I'm like, you have more teammates than that in one sport, that doesn't include your close, close friends. How is your group, which is quite large (not that she is the one it is circled around, just the kids that are in it run in other circles, too, just like she does) not popular but 8 kids are? IDK, I'm old school and it was all about the personalities and the numbers at my school. WOW! That was a total tangent! Lol

My original point there was, to keep her active and involved with the girls she is friends with now because having those positive, fun relationships help get her through the 7 hours of misery. If she has something to look forward to when she gets out of there, it won't seem so bad. Invite her friends over for studying and snacks or on the weekends, etc. As I mentioned, my daughter is involved in sports and that has been a huge resource for friends and for her self esteem. I don't know if your daughter likes sports or not but joining any kind of club like that is helpful.

Keep talking to her. Let her know you're there. Again, as Liz said, most teens don't want their parents to step in but just knowing that you would if they asked, gives them a little extra boost of confidence. Hang in there! xo

Shelly - posted on 04/08/2013

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Thanks liz for r advice, i appreciate it and i think i will just step back a bit and just be there for her through reassurance and support. I will keep u posted and hopefully she will have an ok day at school today.

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Shelly - posted on 09/04/2013

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hi...its been a while since i posted but i need advice again about my 14 yr old daughter. she commenced third yr of secondary school last week and she was full of energy after spending a fun summer with her friends (her 3 best friends are in a seperate class to her ). she came home after her first day and was crying and upset as she explained that she approached a few classmates in the corridor and she was completely ignored by them throughout the day and she asked me to ask the school if she could move into another class where her best friends are. i made an appointment with the school and spoke to her yr head about how my daughter confidence and self esteem is at an all time low and .explained the situation. She responded by ..1;that she could not change class due to the class numbers becoming unbalanced. 2;that my daughter could sit down with the girls that are excluding her and mediate a resolution. ( my daughter flatly refused to this suggestion as she feels too emotional to deal with them and all she wants is to be with her other friends).She feels so alone in a class of 29 students who act as though she does not exist or interesting to talk to. i am at a loss what to do but am angry at the school and the girls who treat her so badly....she is a sweet girl who is to nice and maybe too gullible. what should i do ,,my sister advised me to appeal the schools decision on changing classes as my daughter will be affected by this ordeal throughout the school year and will have a long term effect on her confidence and self esteem. But i do not know what to do ....need help????

Shelly - posted on 04/08/2013

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well kristi, my daughter was friends with 3 girls in her class but since around feb.. they have started to talk over her when she was speaking, laughing and sniggering at each other when she was telling them something. Also, they seem to forget about her as if she didnt exist. So she was left standing alone but at times her so called friends would come back and talk to her when they felt like it and then the whole process would start over again.
So when she told me ...i advised her to go and sit with her other friends [from another class] at lunch time. Which seemed to work but with just after 2 weeks off at easter [ she met her friends a few times over the hols] ...she felt overwhelmed at the thought of not having them during class time [ only at lunch] and facing the other girls in her class. So i am worried that her self esteem and confidence will go down hill fast and i have noticed it is affecting her view of school and her lack of motivation for school work [ she loved school and did her homework without any problems]. So i worry that she is sitting in class [as i type] worrying more about these nasty girls than learning her work. Girls , as i well know, can be very nasty but it took me years to build up her confidence and i do not want it to be chipped away by these worries.
Wow ,,,i am nattering on like the new time . But , i will see how she is today after school and i agree with you kristi, that i will encourage more time with her true friends at her house and get her more involved in some activities outside school.
thanks again... will keep u posted.

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