18 year old and curfews

Liz - posted on 02/19/2013 ( 5 moms have responded )

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I have an 18 year old who graduated last summer. We struggled with a curfew for her. She didnt want one since she was dating a 22 yr old who did not have one. We set the time for 1am. When that happend she decided she was going to move out. The night before she was to move out she realized she didnt have the money to do so, and she claimed she was not ready to move out. She said she could live with the 1 am curfew. She pays for all her expenses except her cell phone. But covers her own food, gas insurance and car payment. She works about 15 hrs or more a week. She is a pretty good kid. My questions is my husband hates that she is never home, and she only comes home every night at 1 am. He thinks that is terrible. On the weekends she leaves on friday night and usually spends friday and saturday night at a friends house and comes home monday morning at 1am. He wants to tell her she doesnt need to be gone that much and we are not in high school anymore having weekend sleep overs and she can come home on the weekends. Is that right or what are your thoughts.

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Shawnn - posted on 02/19/2013

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well, here's the deal: She's 18. She's ready to move out, and as soon as she gets enough together, she will move out, and then your husband will really be complaining.

Sounds like she's doing well for herself, if she's working and covering her expenses. Except if I were you, I'd quit paying that cell bill...you're not the one using the cell!

With my 18 YO, we did struggle with the whole "our house/rules" vs "our kid is technically an adult now". We compromised. I cannot control my son's actions. I have to have faith in my parenting to know that he'll make the correct decisions for himself. That being realized, we only ask that our son keep us in the loop. If he's going to stay out with his friends all night, fine, just drop us a text to let us know not to worry. If he thinks we may be planning on him for dinner, he lets us know if he won't make it.

I don't demand that he spend X number of hours at our house, nor that he not be gone "all the time". That is not realistic! He's an adult, and he's got his own commitments and appointments. He pays all of his own bills, car insurance, phone, and extras. He also pays his own medical, eye and dental expenses. In addition, he either buys food for the house, or contributes to the budget weekly.

My recommendation is that you remind your husband, no, "we" are not in high school any more, and "we" need to remember that our daughter is an adult. If you aren't charging her room/board, then she should be contributing to the house in other ways, but ultimately, if he puts that "quit acting the way you are and spend more time at home" foot down, she'll say "ok, I'm out"...and then he won't have ANY say.

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I agree with what Shawnn said. I had mostly the same rules with my parents, I had to let them know when I was leaving the state call when I got the the hotel I was staying at and call when we were on our way home. If I was going to be later than 10 or 11 send a text or call so my mom wouldn't stay up all night. They mostly requested that I be home before my dad went to work in the morning (he usually left at 5) there were a couple times where I got home and he was in the shower. In the winter they would also require me to have a tow truck number and a possible place to stay that wasn't with my boyfriend (now husband) if the weather was to bad for me to make it home and to call (regardless of the time) and let them know if I wasn't able to drive home so they didn't worry.

I also need to mention that I lived in a dorm for one year (18-19) and started working with Amway at 19 son I would go on business trips for that, that's why I would be out so late some nights or even be out of state.

Shawnn - posted on 02/20/2013

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I think that this transition time, when they're 18, and we KNOW that they are "adult" as far as age goes, is probably the toughest struggle I've faced as a parent. We all expect our kids to do certain things at certain ages, and we all have had some sort of advice to deal with different stages of their maturation.

But, THIS stage??? No one ever told me that it would be so difficult! We've struggled with the whole thing. He's 18. We need to remember that we DID raise him well, and he does make good decisions. But, on the other hand, he's my baby! And I still want to be his protector, and the one that he looks to for advice...but not be so overbearing that he can't stand to be around.

The main reason I gave the advice to back off is that I've been there. I did the ultimatum thing, and my kid spent a week couch surfing until we could meet and see eye to eye on some things. He's back, and we're on an even keel for now. He knows he doesn't have the means to fully support himself yet, but within the next 4 months he will probably move out, as his buddy will have finished his mandatory stay in the Freshman dorms at Uni, and they'll share an apartment. I'm gearing up to not be the basket case mom when they move...

Dove - posted on 02/19/2013

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Listen to Shawnn.... my oldest is 11 and I'm having enough trouble with that. lol

Dove - posted on 02/19/2013

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On the one hand... she is an adult and should be treated as such. On the other hand... she is still living at home (assuming rent free?). You list several expenses that she covers, but don't mention rent or utilities in that so she is getting a good deal.

Basically... your house, your rules (even for an adult) and if she doesn't like it she can move out. That being said... perhaps you and your husband sitting down together to discuss what you want this arrangement to look like and where either of you are or are not willing to bend.... and then sitting down with your daughter to work out the agreement as adults... and as a family would be a good idea. If you want her home for some family time... talk about that. Maybe one night every 2 weeks could be designated as time you all do something together?

I hope you all can come to an agreement that is workable for your family!

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