18 yr old daughter moved out, just wants to party with 'friends' everyday

Cindy - posted on 07/28/2010 ( 4 moms have responded )

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Help please! She went to 1 yr at WIT, did okay, came home for the summer, works landscaping, but decided to move out, to live from friends apt to friends apt and is smoking marijuana, and drinking everynight. She wants to live on her own and just have fun. No school, just party. After 1 wk she was arrested for drug possession. We told her we would bring her to court as she has no car. Picked her up at 730am and she couldn't even walk a straight line, she was so high and smelled of alcohol. She got to court and they gave her PTI. I tried to talk to her again about living home and going to a school, any school, and she refuses and says she is fine and at 18 she just wants to be a kid and have fun, not decide what career to start at 19 and work for the rest of her life. I tried to step back for the past 3 weeks, but I want her to know we love her and there is a home here for her. She continues to be rebellious and insists she is doing fine living on her own. What are we to do? Just sit back and watch her self destruct? Get addicted? We feel helpless. If she was not in that state for court date, perhaps we would believe she can do it on her own...but how do you help or offer help or love so that the right decisions will be made?

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[deleted account]

Is she doing more then marijuana or will be open to other drugs if they come her way? If not then advise her the best you can without attacking her and leave it at that. Repeat advice when needed without attacking her. She could be going through a growing period that many people do but not all parents know about. Here are some tools to keep in mind encase you might need them.

1. Confront factually, but with love, care and concern.
Bring a written list of data to the intervention that describes in detail the evidence that your loved one is using drugs. Confront him/her with content, not argument.

2. Remember that you are talking to the drugs, not the person.
Any time someone is addicted to drugs, the substance takes over their reasoning and problem solving, and creates all types of paranoia and anger.

3. Create a crisis for the troubled person. Remember that arguments are a comfort zone for a person on drugs because it allows him/her to stay in denial. Bring it to a head by giving him/her a choice to get treatment, or face the undesirable alternative, such as jail, having no contact with family, etc. This is for addiction and any extreme drugs being used.

4. Focus only on chemically-related issues.
Keep it focused on the fact that the addict has a disease for which he/she needs professional help. Be specific about when, where and with whom a chemically-related incident happened. Stay on point without emotions or distractions. It's not about yelling, screaming, or your opinions. It's about facts.

5. Get a commitment to go to treatment or be prepared to break contact.
You have to be prepared for the hard decision of letting that person go if treatment is refused. It doesn't just affect the addict, it takes a toll on the entire family.

6. Have a firm, immediate plan.
You don't want to waste time after you get a commitment. If the person agrees to get help, have a treatment center set up to admit him/her immediately. If the person does not agree to get treatment, know in advance how you will respond.

Good luck to you and your hopes for your daughter.

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4 Comments

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Stifler's - posted on 07/29/2010

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That's terrible :( If it was me I don't think anything my parents did would have helped. My sister is a bit of a dickhead like this only she was 16 and decided to run away and tell people my parents abused her when they did not. I'm convinced that my sister needed a kick in the arse from my parents. In the end she got a good boyfriend and has probably stopped sleeping around. But I would have kicked her in the arse and refused to give her money or drive her anywhere.

Donna - posted on 07/29/2010

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FIrst of all, if your daughter thinks she does not have a problem with drug/alcohol abuse, you will have a serious problem trying to convince her otherwise, the best thing a parent can do as much as it hurts is to make sure she is safe, my parents did that for me but could not MAKE me change my ways. I got help when I was ready...it is crucial to NOT interfere at this point as she may turn on you completely...

The other thing...are you enabling her to get high or drunk? Meaning, are you giving her money for rent, bills, etc? She will lie and say she needs money for food, clothing, books, class, etc....if her addiction becomes worst... Are you paying for anything for her? If that is the case, then cut her off. DO not give her money for anything as she will just use it to party and get worse. As for showing up in court inebriated, she is lucky the judge did not throw her butt in jail.

IF she wants anything, get it yourself such as get her the groceries, get the books, pay for the classes and always ask her where its available, why its needed and how much is the cost... She'll catch on and be very mad and say : you don't trust me, just tell her the truth, no we don't and say do you need the stuff or not? She'll eventually resign and agree to YOUR terms but it will take time so don't despair...
Donna

THOUGH LOVE IS THE ANSWER WITH ADDICTS.

[deleted account]

Where I live in most places 18 is the legal age so if you lived here I don't think there would be much you could do about it except talk to her some more. When I was younger I went through the same thing. I was depressed and didn't care about anything or anyone, including myself. I would fight with my mom non stop which would usually result in her telling me I could leave or me just leaving. This went on for a few years but when I was 16, because I was still a minor my mom got a court order saying I had to go to a detox program in a different town. Once I got there I realized how quickly my life was going downhill and I ended up moving to a different province to live with family. Now, it's been a few years, I have a beautiful son and me and my mom get along MUCH better. I have the occassional drink but as for drugs I haven't and won't touch them again. First of all, I would suggest seeing if there is any underlying situation for your daughter. Could she possibly be depressed? Maybe something happened while she was at school that you might not know about. Try opening the lines of communication with her and whatever you do, try not to sound judgemental. I understand you being mad at her and disappointed in the way she's acting but if there is more than just a "partying" problem she might need someone to talk to. She might not want to talk to you, and in that case there is nothing you can do. Just make sure she knows she can if she needs to and although some people might disagree with this I believe you need to be a friend right now. I just say that from experience because whenever my mom would try and lecture me it only pushed me farther away. The second thing I would suggest is asking her to get help. She might agree, she might not you never know. The third thing is depending on how things work where you live and what the legal age is, maybe you could do what my mom did. Check into what programs are available out there and if there is something you could make her go to. If nothing works, I really don't know what else to suggest except letting her do what she's going to do. Now that I'm a mom, I understand how terrifying that would probably be but if she is legal where you live there might not be anything you can do. She knows you love her, she just sounds kind of confused right now. Good luck, I hope everything goes well for you guys.

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