19 yr old daughter wants to visit boyfriend out of state.

Lisa - posted on 12/20/2012 ( 280 moms have responded )

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My 19 yr old daughter wants to visit her 19 yr old boyfriend out of state. They met when he came to visit, her school in the spring semester. They had brief, on and off contact until about 2 months ago, when they spent a lot of time on the phone and Skype. So when she asked me if she could visit him, I flat out told her no, and gave her a list of reasons that she can't go. The reasons included self-respect, length of time that she knows him, distance, appropriateness, and safety issues. She came back with, I'll be careful and I'm going. I pondered for a few hours then decided that if she was making an adult decision then when she walked out of the door, she was to leave my door keys in my hand. I called her dad and he added to my list and no answer as well. Since then (2 weeks ago) she has been working extra hours babysitting, and I barely have seen her. I thought she was angry and wanted to stay away from me. So she came in after work yesterday and started washing clothes and packing her suitcase.

I responded with fine if you are going I need to speak to his mother and dont forget to leave my keys. Now take into consideration that I have not met this kid but over the phone in 1 conversation, not met his mother, didn't check him out yet, because I thought it was over and they were going back to Skype. Instead of talking to his mom, I spoke to him and he says m'am to my knowledge I didn't know she was coming after you said you wanted your keys back, I don't know why she is packing...I'll talk to her, as though he has assumed the roll of dad.

My question is, was I wrong to tell her to give me the keys back if she went to visit him? I just feel that there can't be 2 adult females in the same household especially only one is responsible for everyone in the house.

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Jodi - posted on 12/20/2012

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Why can't she make an adult decision while she is still living in her home. She IS an adult. At what point are you going to allow her to make adult decisions? Why can't there be 2 adult females in one household? I personally think you are shooting yourself in the foot here. Stop treating her like a child.

Rochelle - posted on 12/20/2012

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Hey you guys who insist that at 19 it is none of her mother's business. If she is still living in her mother's home and her mother is still supporting her financially she is STILL a DEPENDENT. If the car belongs to mom, then she has the right to tell her to leave the keys. This is not unreasonable, ans if the daughter takes her car anyway then she can report it as stolen. You all do not seem to get that. Lisa has let her make an adult decision. But it is perfectly fine that she refused to support thaty decision by not letting her use her car to do it. And her concerns ARE legitimate. Do you realize that young women have disappeared (e.g. Natalee Hollaway) or been raped and killed by placing too much trust too soon in guys they barely know or have met on the internet. It IS a moral issue. Lisa, as hard as it is, I believe you are making the right decision. You can allow her to make adult decisions but you do not have to support or endorse her decisions. And as in making any adult decision she will have to live with the consequences of that decision. I have a 25 year old stepdaughter and have been through similare situations, so I am not just shooting from the hip here. I sincerely pray that there will not be any serious danger to your daughter or that she will think rationally and decide on a safer plan. Maybe I am old school but shouldn't he be the pursuer? In my mind the honorable thing a decent young man with pure intentions would do is to make the first move out of respect to her and come to her and her family.

Shawnn - posted on 12/20/2012

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Question 1: do YOU feel as if you have raised your daughter with the correct morals, standards, and tools to survive? If the answer is yes, then why are you worried?

Question 2: Who's financing the trip? Has she asked you to? If the answer to that is "She's paying for it", then back off.

She is an adult. If you don't feel that you can live in a house with 2 adult females, then you need to help her find her own place, but don't put her out in a petty fit just because she didn't listen to you making critical comments about her adult decision.

Dove - posted on 12/20/2012

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She's 19. She's an adult and as long as YOU aren't funding the trip... it's her choice to make.

What is going to happen if she gets there and finds out he's a big jerk and she made a bad choice.... and needs to come home, but you threw her out? Or... what is going to happen if she finds out he's her 'soul mate' and they get married and have children that you will never get to see because you couldn't respect her choice as an adult?

Those may be two extremes, but either one is possible to happen here. Why not just love and support HER choices as an adult after telling her your concerns with it and letting her know that you will always be there for her if she needs you?

Sarah - posted on 12/20/2012

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She's 19, she is old enough to make her own decisions. Its understandable that you are worried about her and don't want her to make the wrong decisions but she's never going to grow up if you keep treating her like a child, it may sound harsh but at 19 its really none of your business who she sees or where she goes. When I was 19 I moved 500miles away to live with my boyfriend and I sure as hell didn't ask anyones permission to do so. If you don't cut the apron strings now you are going to choke her with them. There is nothing wrong with two adult females living in one house

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Krista - posted on 05/19/2013

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I think you need to let her go out and experience the world. She may still be living with you, but she is 19. The fact that she approached you, shows her trust and faith in you. You know where she is going to be, and who she is going to see. It is time to trust her. If she was living on her own, you would not necessarily know everyone she was going out with or have met everyone she sees. Trust that you have raised her to have good judgement, and to take care of herself.

Eileen - posted on 02/04/2013

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YOU ARE WRONG FOR SAYING THAT THE DOOR SHOULD ALWAYS BE OPENED FOR YOUR KIDS NO MATTER WHAT

Sara - posted on 01/31/2013

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I think you were wrong. Have some faith in your daughter. She is an adult and yes she will make mistakes but giving ultimatums is the best way to have her walk out forever.Please learn to trust her. I know it is hard and I know you are thinking the worst possible scenarios in your mind.. but this is something she needs to do. Just remember- she will not always need your permission and there are a lot of bad things that can happen that you will have no control over. Let go of the reigns mom- you are going to have to at some point.

I read some of your concerns and if you are worried that your nineteen year old will have sex and get pregnant, then you are being naive. If you have had the sex talk without fear, provided condoms without judgement and maybe even birth control, you wouldn't be worried. She's nineteen, if you don't want her having sex... then lock her in a tower... because you can't keep her a virgin for life. Those are not your decisions to make regardless of where she lives. If you think that having her live in your house gives you full reign of her life, you will soon have no daughter in your life. Do not hold it against her that she is living with you or she will not come back.

Chorrinda - posted on 01/29/2013

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My number one issue here is that you ask for advice, then when you get it, and people do not agree with you, you are upset. This is probably exactly what you do with your daughter as well. My mom tried to suffocate me at 18. She was more extreme than you are about it, with a 7:00 p.m. not a.m. curfew. This lasted for about 2 weeks before I went and found a room mate. My mom no longer got any say in my decisions. We did not talk regularly because I did not want her judging my every decision. I hope you realize that this is what suffocation will cause.

Also, I saw you make a comment regarding them just wanting to have sex. It could be this trip is about a lot more than that. Maybe they want to spend time together, getting to know each other. Unless she came out and said, "I am going there to have sex." You are assuming this to be true, which shows that you have no faith in her ability to act as an adult. She sounds like she is a pretty smart girl.

I just moved to Dallas with my boyfriend and his family. He was relocated from Ohio for work, and we are currently looking for a home. While we are searching his family is nice enough to let us stay with them. I can assure you that we are not in my boyfriends parents house having sex. Life is about so much more than just sex. Our relationship is about more than that. When we want to have sex, we rent a room for the weekend or go to a bed and breakfast.

Michelle - posted on 01/29/2013

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Hmmmm. I think maybe this wasn't handled in the best way. Your daughter is 19. She is an adult. And while she lives under your roof, she needs to respect the rules of the home as you are the OWNER of the home. But you need to respect her as an adult as well. If you've taught her morals and values then you've done your job as a parent and you have to let go. She won't be perfect and she'll make some mistakes but she'll know right from wrong. If this is what she wants to do, then you should let her do it. But you can say he can't come and sleep over in your home. That's your house and your rules. Alienating her at this age is a really bad idea. If she doesn't feel that she can trust you and be open with you then she's not going to continue sharing things with you. She is an adult now. I hope that you recognize that before you lose her.

Annabel - posted on 01/29/2013

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At 19 she is an adult, so it really is up to her not you. Refuse to pay for the trip by all means but you need to let go, express your views when she asks for advice but remember now that is just that, advice. With this ability to make decisions comes the fact that they have to pay for them, so never feel you should have to pay for a trip you don't agree with, or have somebody to stay that you do not feel is appropriate in your house, but do remember she is an adult, and if you want to keep a good relationship and not have her go behind your back, you need to be honest with yourself.

Chelsea - posted on 01/28/2013

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Oh my God, she's 19. She's going to do what she wants, whether you agree or not. Better to be supportive than to fight over it.

Dana - posted on 01/28/2013

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As parents we will always do whats right for our children. Sometimes we need to remember not to do things out of anger. For my home : we have 5 Children 3 are adults now I have never kicked any of my children out nor taken away their keys. I always want my children to know they have a safe place to come to if they are in need.I think when our children grow up its hard to let them be their own person. As adults they don't want to treated as children. For me I ask where are you going, when will you be home and if its not to much to ask please call and let me know your okay.

Michelle - posted on 01/28/2013

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One question I have, how did you expect or want him to respond? It sounds like he was in a position in "damned if he did, damned if he didn't". He spoke to you with respect and tried to co-operate with you and your wishes. Would it have been better had he said "I'm not her keeper and if she still wants to come see me she is welcome, what do you expect me to do about it?".
I understand your fears however my gut reaction is this should be ultimately her decision and making a decision you don't agree with doesn't seem like grounds for kicking her out. Being disrespectful towards you or the home, yes. Not going to school and/or working and expecting a free ride yes. And at 19 I don't think she us being disrespectful by going despite your objections, I think she is just trying to live her life and make independent choices. If it is/was a mistake for her to go isn't it better she learned this lesson while still under your roof where you can more easily help her pick up the pieces and move forward?

Kelly - posted on 01/28/2013

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Is she your only child? Are you afraid for her to leave you? She is an adult, but you are giving her ultimatums that neither of you can back down from.

Kirsty - posted on 01/28/2013

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I would say at 19 she has the right to choice if she wants to go. Have you offered to have him come to you instead? I think asking for the keys is a risk of losing her.

Sammantha - posted on 01/27/2013

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It is understandable if you want your baby to forever be a baby. At the same time, as she grew up every day you knew that eventually she would 'fly the coup' she isnt leaving you forever at this moment, she just wants a chance to be the adult you raised her to be. you will have to let her go eventually, rather to see her boyfriend, or her going to collage, or her finding an apartment. and it will never get easier. eventually you will have to just take a deep breath, and let her go, all the while hoping that she is the respectable woman you raised her to be.

Cathy Fabre - posted on 01/27/2013

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My thoughs she is 19 and if she wants to go she is an adult on the other hand you are her mother she should respect your feelings you are just consured for her well being.My daughter is 26 and stays with me but in return for that she cooks cleans and works finns for her self.Maybe he needs to come visit her.

Melissa - posted on 01/27/2013

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She is an adult. I do think telling her that your basicly kicking her out if she goes to see him is a little extreme. As a mother I can see you are trying to protect your daughter but she is an adult, has talked to him for some time now and even spent time with him. Be glad she isn't going off to another state to meet a complete stranger that she's only exchanged a few emails with like some teens do.

Shirley - posted on 01/27/2013

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First let me say that she is an adult. And there can be two or more adult females in a household at one time. In my household there is myself and my husband (our house) and my mother (we have been her caregivers for 12 years). There have been times that my grown daughters have lived with us for short periods of times. Once a person becomes an adult (over the age of 18) you have to allow them to make decisions for themselves, you may not always agree with those decisions, but you have to allow them to make them.
When you talk about morals, you have to trust that she will either choose to keep those morals and just visit or throw those morals to the wind and do whatever she wants to do.
All we can do as parents is raise our children to the best of our ability, teach them morals and give them guidlines to live by. Once they reach their teen years they have to make decions to either go by what they have been taught or follow "peer pressure".
As for asking for your keys if she goes, all you do here is put a wall between you and your daughter that may take years to break down. That is telling her that you don't trust her and that if she really needs you that you won't be there for her. What is something does happen (what you are afraid of happening) and she needs you when she returns home? You have asked for your keys and now she has no one to turn to in her hour of need. Would you really want her to have to deal with this alone? Do you not want to be there for her? If everything goes good do you not want to be there to hear the good news? If she decided to move to where he lives and she just disappeared what would you do? You told her to give you her keys so she wouldn't think you cared enough to tell you she was moving out of state?
Think about what you are telling her.

Chelsea - posted on 01/27/2013

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This is my method : my home my rules. You provide her with all she wants/needs right? Have him come visit you guys and get to know him. Is he still living at home? I hated this rule when I was 19.and I rebeled against my parents for it. But now as a mother I understand. But like I said to my younger brothers and sister( my kids are to young ) as long as you live underneath mom and dad's brother you abide to their rules

Angela - posted on 01/27/2013

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I think that keeping a stranglehold on an individual's liberty to make their own choices at the age of 19 because they're not yet financially independent and living in their parent's home is not conducive to developing that person's maturity. It does NOTHING to foster their own independence and when they finally ARE out on their own, living in their own place they frequently have unrealistic expectations and naive approaches to life's challenges!

What happened to things like seasonal jobs? Where teenagers went away to work - away from parents, earned money and were provided with sleeping quarters etc? Don't kids do things like this nowadays? I went into a seasonal job at the age of 19 for 4½ months. It was at a UK Holiday Centre and staff were aged 18 up to retirement age, there were all kinds of jobs and it wasn't difficult to be recruited. It's not a complete taste of independence since they're often in a situation where everything is "found" (e.g. meals provided, laundry facilities etc ....) but it's a very useful step in growth & development. Some staff returned every season! It was especially popular with University students. Anyone who'd worked there a previous season was usually entitled to a role with supervisory status.

Taking my seasonal job at the age of 19 is one of the happiest memories I have over my lifetime (I'm now 54). It was before I married and had a family. I feel it taught me so many life skills and how to get along with people. Budgeting was not too difficult as staff received their wages weekly rather than monthly - and also in cash. It was also long before the days of the Internet and cell phone etc ... so contact with parents and friends back home was via letters and phone calls.

Don't people take these kind of jobs anymore?

DeserRai - posted on 01/27/2013

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@starr

Yes they met in person first when he visited her school in the spring and have been carrying a relationship via Skype since then. So they've know each other I'd say almost 10 months? I would think shed know this person by now. What's to say he doesn't live with his parents as well and they won't be in the same room? Oh well, I won't bother with this other than saying I do not agree with what you did but since that's not what you're after I won't elaborate.

Maureen - posted on 01/26/2013

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If she is sooooo mature and grown, then she should be living on her own. Since she is not, then I gather she is in school or working a menial job. She is obviously not mature enough to make good decisions. Forget the "how it looks" ....lol...that didn't work in the 1980's let alone now. The real issue is the ramifications of her visit. She could get pregnant, abused, stranded, or dead if she does off to visit a guy she hardly knows for an extended period of time. Talk to her about these possibilities. They are real and need to be addressed. Why not have him visit her? Then you can control the sleeping arrangements and alone time. I know it is a huge burden but it mat be the lesser of two evils. Honestly, she just needs to get a guy closer to home, or at least one that is willing to come she her. He should have enough common sense to have your fears and concerns addressed. If not then I question his upbringing.

Lanessa - posted on 01/26/2013

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She has to be responsible for herself if she wanna be grown let her but I dont think you should have takin the key she gonna see mama was right

Amy - posted on 01/26/2013

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I have a 19 year old son and its hard to let them make adult decessions. But they have to have a chance and yes they will make mistakes. I'm not sure if you mean leave the keys your talking car or house? Either do as I say and move out or your not taking the car? No she should not take your car and she should pay for the trip herself. That's part of bring an adult. If its leave the house keys and move out than your going to regret choicing the battle. My parents tried that and I moved out and showed them I could be an adult on my own and my mom even told me she was proud that I did after years went by.

Karen - posted on 01/25/2013

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@Angela Barker - I agree with you completely that predators come in both genders and of all ages, and you're right that some teens are more worldly than adults. In my daughter's case, in th first few hours they met, her told her she was smart, told her she was beautiful, and told her her loved her, all within hours of their first contact, and he had her convinced that they were going to run off and get married within the first 12 hours of him first messaging her. She was so desperate to be in love, and so quickly blinded by it.

Starr - posted on 01/25/2013

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I took it that she met him in person first and have been carrying on via Skype ever since.

Angela - posted on 01/25/2013

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@ Karen, remember that a female (or for that matter a male) of ANY age can be prey to someone from the Internet - in fact any of us can be prey to people we meet in person, in "real life". Age doesn't necessarily come into it. Anyone can be vulnerable. A younger person is admittedly more likely to be vulnerable, but there are a LOT of worldly-wise teenagers, many of whom are shrewder than adults - especially adults who have had very sheltered lives.

The Internet does offer a predatory person the opportunity to say whatever he/she wants about him/herself. They can use whatever photo they want as their profile picture.

I met my husband via the Internet - this was nearly 8 years ago. We're very happy.

Karen - posted on 01/24/2013

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As long as she lives in your house and is being supported by you, she needs to abide by your rules. Financially independent adults pay their own way and pay ALL of their ownb bills.
My caution would be to her. My daughter met up with a guy she met on the internet (also out of state) when she was almost 15. He made himself out to be the same age as her, but was really much older. She did not have permission to meet him, and there was a lot fo deception on her part...Long story short, he is now serving 130 years in prison in Georgia for just the crimes against her.
A friend who works in the missing person division of the Portland PD told me that they estimate that more than 80% of teens and young adult women who are listed as missing persons are lured by predators on the internet.
Be careful.

Starr - posted on 01/24/2013

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I do agree with house rules but she needs to feel free to live her life without mom meddling in every thing as well. She in entitled to a personal life and should be free to make her own choices. Going to see her boyfriend doesn't appear something that should require permission from mom at 19 unless she is wanting mom to pay for the trip. Then you could refuse to pay for it and tell her if she wants to go she needs to come up with the funds for it. This mom appears to be overly controlling, what affect does this have on mom or other occupants of the house besides just simply not agreeing, NONE. Mom just doesn't like it. She is not stealing, not doing drugs, who's business it who she sleeps with or Skype's with? Now if she was getting in to trouble and causing problems in the household, bringing in various men that would be different but it doesn't appear to be the case. If she was away at college, you'd have no idea what is going on, give her some privacy and freedom.

Cari - posted on 01/23/2013

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To some degree I agree... If she is under your roof she lives by you're rules. But by telling her that if she leaves to go see him them your kicking her out... I don't agree simply b/c she needs to know you'll be there through thick and thin, good times and bad. If she makes a bad decision she should know that you will be there for her even if your disappointed in her decision. Could you have offered another option? Like maybe having him come to visit so you could meet him. Then she would know that you were interested in her life and also wanted to be a part of it. Not just "two adult females in the same house" your not roommates. But I still go back to my first sentence, she's still living with you so she needs to live by your rules. I hope this was at least a little helpful!

Starr - posted on 01/23/2013

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Yes, you were wrong.

She is 19, it is untimely her decision now. You need to realize that she is not 16 anymore or you will completely lose her. Let her grow up and make her own decisions, be it right or wrong. The only thing you can do is express concern and be there for her if she falls . I don't see anything to terrible with what she is doing and certainly does not warrant being "kicked out" over. You sound very controlling and I would want to move out too. There is no reason you should be contacting his parents or even him for that matter at this point, geezz loosen up and stop meddling before it's too late.

Elizabeth - posted on 01/23/2013

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Wow Lisa you sound angry. It's too bad that you are washing your hands of your daughter because she did something you didn't like, something absolutely minuscule in the scheme of things that it barely registers as a blip on the radar. I know lots of 19 year olds who are either doing drugs, pregnant without the father in the picture, drinking and partying, stealing....you name it. Your daughter is in college, babysits to earn money and you didn't mention anything else that she has done that would make you doubt her. It's very sad that you lost faith in your daughter so quickly over something stupid. I know I will never do that to my two boys.....we'll disagree on many things, but they are my children. Even when they are 40 they will still be my children and I will love them the same way then as I do now. Unconditional love, the kind of love a parent SHOULD offer their children.

Christy - posted on 01/23/2013

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I went off to college at 17. My parents weren't there with me to know what I was doing, but they trusted me. It is absolutely unreasonable to expect a 19 year old woman to not visit her boyfriend. I really don't understand why there can't be two adult women in one household. That just sounds bizarre.

Minet - posted on 01/22/2013

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Your daughter is 19 years old. Legally she is an adult so treat her like one. If she's living at home make her pay rent. (unless you have an agreement about going to college, etc.) then she can make grown up decisions and make grown up mistakes. How long will you continue to live her life for her?

As for letting her go see a boy she's known for 2 months, you can only reiterate what you've taught her about self-respect and hope it sticks. The same thing happened to me when I was 20. My parents didn't object to me seeing a boy overnight because they knew they had taught me everything they could by then. I was an adult making an adult decision based on what I had been taught by my parents.

You may not like the decisions she makes and as a parent have the right to voice those dislikes, but in the end, she is her own person. You don't want to burn a bridge by kicking her out of your house. There can be two adults living harmoniously in a household. But one of them has to be you.

Cindy - posted on 01/22/2013

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I can personally relate to this situation but on your daughter's end of things. I am 26 years old, married and mother to a beautiful 8 month old girl. I met my husband when I was 17 over the internet and 9 years later we are still together and still in love. My parents were very strict on me, much like you and in return I became rebellious for a good portion of my high school years. When I told them that I had met a boy and online they laughed at me and thought it was ridiculous! but as soon as they realized I was being serious we "talked" about it. It wasn't easy for either of us but I was just happy that they were not saying "no" right away. They spoke to my now husband, they spoke to his parents and we agreed that I could see him but under their roof 1st and he would have to stay in a hotel with his father. After that 1st meeting, my parents loved him too and since then we were dating, visiting each other (yes they allowed me to go see him as well) for 6 years and oh did I mention I was from Canada and he was from the U.S.? Well we graduated high school went to college and then I was off to NY to marry and be with my husband.
I can understand your fear and need to protect your daughter as I am a mother as well, all we want is the very best for them but we have to realize that there will come the day when they will make their own choices and rightfully so. You cannot be their dictator or just their friend you have to find a happy medium. I'm not saying let them run wild and free haha! no way! but there comes an age like 19 where it's ok to show them a little respect and 'listen' to them. Hopefully you two can sit down and reach an agreement where you 'the mother' can still establish your role as such and she 'your 19 year old grown up daughter' can also get some say and both parties are content.
Just FYI do not kick her out that is not parenting that's giving up!

Victoria - posted on 01/22/2013

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Keep praying for her though! It's painful, but when it comes to the point where children can now make their own decisions that's when we pray! Including calling to remembrance the prayers we've been making for them all these years; even before they were born! My eldest is about to turn 13 and the youngest 6, but I've watched my mother struggle with the decisions of my 30+ yr old siblings and I just keep telling her. 'It's their call now! They'll live with their decisions, good or bad and if you want to do something about it, get on your knees; it's all you have left to do.' Deep down, I'm also hoping that when my time comes to back up a little (or a lot) that I'll remember my own words - in spite of the pains I may feel when I perceive they haven't made the right judgement call.

Lisa - posted on 01/21/2013

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Apparently chivalry went out with the jerri curl...lol..I give up...I've moved on...she made her bed...honestly I wish it was in her on house...oh well...I'm sure she has something else up her sleeve...smh

Victoria - posted on 01/21/2013

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Anyone who wants to make their own decisions in my house, can as well pay their own bills and pay me rent too! Now, why won't the boy in question come over and visit? Why her? What happened to good old-fashioned chivalry anyway?

Chellore - posted on 01/21/2013

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I think you are being far too agressive. She is over the age of 18, she works *babysitting* and goes to school. Because she wants to go visit a boy, that makes her irresponsible? I think it's time to cut the apron strings, mom.

Katrina - posted on 01/19/2013

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Hi Lisa,
I'm not going to bother replying about your daughter's trip as it's obviously over by now, given the date of the OP.

However, I wanted to comment on your "2 adult females in the same household" comment... I live in the UK, and over here (generally, obviously there are exceptions), when a child is working and still living at home, he/she pays towards the bills, even if it isn't very much. Maybe you should consider speaking to her about doing this, as it may make you feel less "trodden on" if that makes sense x

Angela - posted on 01/19/2013

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You know, there have been a few comments about who pays for what ..... These have implied that Mom pays for everything! Not so fast ladies, Mom doesn't necessarily pay for everything!

But - she PROBABLY does! Do you want to know why? Because parents make it too easy - or to look at it another way - they make it too hard for a young person to grow up. The kid who is enterprising and resourceful, wanting to work and earn as much as possible in their spare time, is restricted by Mom & Dad. Financial independence means they don't NEED Mom & Dad. So Mom & Dad discourage it!

Some of the wealthiest, most productive and resourceful adults I know started out as kids who WORKED and EARNED from an early age! I don't mean they neglected their schooling, I mean they developed a work ethic at a young age and spent a lot of their spare time finding things to do that would make them a bit of money. If it was a choice between begging $2 from parents to go to some children's activity or earn $5 from someone else for chopping wood, then they'd do the work and earn the cash! Too many parents won't allow this though - but they're always keen for the kid to do unpaid or low-paid work for THEM!!

As ye reap, so shall ye sow ......

Sunbo Amanda - posted on 01/19/2013

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Lisa, I'm totally with you on your decision. Harsh as it may sound but reports have shown so many innocent lives being killed by "so called lovers" . In your daughter's situation it's even with a total stranger she hardly knows.

I think , you really need to sit her down and talk some sense into her head. Let her know how much you care about her n how mu h it will destroy you if she ever gets hurt. Fair enough , some might say she's an adult but for som one to wAnt to go meet a lad she clearly doesn't know too well makes me believe are thinking process is still like that of a child.

While you still have your daughter around, it's nice you are trying to protect her. A lot of girls fall in love blindly and live to regret it all der lives. I am presently living with mine and wish I had listened to my mum. However, I will urge you to " secretly" leave the door opened in case your daughter may try to tip toe back after she's been scared. I'm presently a psychotherapist and I have listened to clients with similar issues. More often than not they get battered. All the best Lisa.

Debbie - posted on 01/19/2013

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Wrong or right ,your Daughter is your Daughter . Love her and worry about her as every Mother should .

Christina - posted on 01/18/2013

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Lisa-I know your post is from December but I wanted to share some insight hopefully on your situation. When I lived with my mom I also worked too. My mom was old fashion as well, in a sense like yours. See the sad part is me and my mom constantly fought as well. I had moved out of her house at 18 years old and that move resulted in a 4 1/2 hour drive away from her.

I moved back in with her after 6 or more months of being away and she insisted on me paying rent. I was 19 at the time with a pretty decent job and I kept my own hours while I was paying rent. She didn't tell me I couldn't go anywhere. Sadly I was the only one she charged rent from. My other two brothers didn't have to pay rent when they moved back in with her. Point is, if you restrict your daughter from doing the things she wants to do, she could very well possibly hold it against you.

She is an Adult. Let her make her own decisions. Don't take the keys away because she wants to go visit a boy. You should be there for her because maybe this boy could be "the one". Or maybe he's a butt head. Either or, if you are not there for her, she won't feel right having you in her life. I don't speak to my mom anymore. My mom was very non-supportive of me and whenever I made a mistake she was sure to rub that in my face.

Supportive behavior is key to a relationship with your daughter. If you love her, be there when she makes mistakes and when she doesn't. I wish my mom had been there for me instead of acting like I was the black sheep of the family. To end this comment, my mom has completely missed out on my 4 1/2 year old daughters life because I don't want her around all that drama and lies. Thankfully my MIL is an awesome grandma so my daughter isn't missing much.

Angie - posted on 01/15/2013

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Did she go? If not the more we as parents say no the more the do. Its crazy how that works that way. If she wants to go visit him have a trusted adult go with her and stay in a hotel, meet him at a public place with the adult and have the adult get a feel for him.

Nicole - posted on 01/15/2013

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Well she is 19 which marked her an adult. Yes she is still living at home however it is better to have a good relationship and know that she will keep in touch and let you know she made it safely and will call and check in rather than leave mad and not call you at all.

LaShawn - posted on 01/15/2013

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I think it's time for your daughter to be on her own. To be free to make mistakes in her own household so you can resume your roll as a supportive loving parent to an adult child from a distance. Yes, you made the right decision. Now there can be several outcomes~ are you prepared for her to come running back home ready to live by your rules when she realizes he wont sacrifice his living situation for her? Or is his family prepared for her to live with them because babysitting money will only get you so far? Give your daughter some tuff questions to answer. What are your plans once you get to his city? Does his parents want you to live with him? What will she do when her money runs out? Give her something to really think about. Better yet have a skype meeting and ask them both those questions. Either they'll have their stuff together or the situation will unravel during the conversation. Either way tuff love, concern and the realities of life will inspire them to grow up.

Elizabeth - posted on 01/14/2013

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At age 19, she is legally an adult and needs to be allowed to make her own decisions and learn from her own mistakes! I do not think threatening with the keys is a wise choice, because, after all, she is still your daughter and you want her to feel like she can come back home, even if this all blows up in her face.

BERNICE - posted on 01/14/2013

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I feel you were right she wants to be an adult and make these decisions, she doesn't need to live in your home as a child!

Maria - posted on 01/14/2013

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This reminds me of when i was growing up and i would say, so and so can stay up late and watch tv on a school night and my mother would reply thats nice but i am not so and so's mother and its time for bed . I didnt like sometimes the rules nor appreciated the advice but i get it now and i thank God for the morals my mother instilled...i wish i would have listened more...there is soo much we dont yet know @ 18, 19 . We do our best as parents and we shouldnt call someone else's method a crock.

Maria - posted on 01/14/2013

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I hope things turned out sincè your last post....being a parent is a tricky thing...finding a Balance and letting God guide us is key.it may work out for some but for many it doesnt ...going to visit someone you barely know out of state to stay with him sounds like a big gamble. i agréé with your décision in not letting her go. Ofcorse, she may not like
It and still go but you voiced your concerns and now she could live with her décision,...i learned the hard way that it would have been good to have listened to a few people , specially my mother. She is blessed to have you and you her, i declare this was just a learning expérience and that you are closer than ever. You have many beautiful roads ahead...family is so important.

Quentera - posted on 01/14/2013

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she's an adult, let her make her own decisions. because if not she's just gonna rebel.

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