4 Months Pregnant & Just Got Dumped. What do I do?

Abigail - posted on 06/24/2010

If it took you a while to try to get pregnant again and now 4 years later you have one then thats a miracle....look at it this way its worth the effort because a child will always be your strength in any complicated situation....as for the father he should be more considerate. Talk with him CALMLY. I know pregnant with the mood swings its hard but if you try to pressure him he won't cooperate...if he still thinks your selfish (which is pretty stupid because all you care about is the wellbeing of your child how is that being selfish?) I would totally put him up for child support...it could probably ruin your relationship with him...but the important thing is that you will be okay with the people who REALLY matter which are your kids!

Alicia - posted on 06/24/2010

child support hehehe... maybe he'll stop sticking his thing in everyone. And there is nothing wrong with receiving food stamps to support the healthy growth of your children. Start looking for good day care for your new little one and put the idea of giving up the child out of your mind. If God didn't think you could handle it, he wouldn't have presented you with this challenge! Head up tall,k ?

April - posted on 06/24/2010

...or Limburger on the engine block!

REBECCA - posted on 06/24/2010

I THINK YOU SHOULD KEEP THE BABY BEC. YOU DO WANT IT. AND TAKE HIS ASS TO COURT.

Dori - posted on 06/24/2010

I agree with Jodi, if you want the baby, keep it and take his butt to court for support... even though he may not be around, he can definitely financially support the decision you BOTH made together by conceiving the child....

Polly - posted on 06/24/2010

I'm sorry for this situation. I am a birth mother, my daughter is now 19 and she was raised by family when I was 21 and too ignorant to raise her. My other two boys; both of their birth fathers opted out of co-parenting w/me and I'm eternally grateful for that as drama does more harm than good, I raised alone. I just had another baby w/a man I thought at the very least cared about me but found out quite the opposite was true. I could never have an abortion as to me, for my body, that is murder. If you chose that, it is your right and I won't judge you. I simply offer to you that you actually can raise your children alone w/o anyone's help. I've done it sucessfully and receiving charity isn't a curse but a help. Your unborn child loves you and I think wants to be here. Love your children, love yourself, and seek community support as it is out there. Peace, MumFoxx

Amanda - posted on 06/24/2010

I have to say I haven't read all the way through, but I agree with some. If I were in his position I would feel the exact same. You are expecting your (if the circumstances your way) husband to father (or pretty darn close) your 7 year old without thought of his other child that he isn't allowed to see in his own home. See one of his children on a day-to-day basis but one of his children will have nothing to do with it's sibling and step-sibling, step-mom and father's home. You are making him exclude that child. When children are involved THEY are most important. Not us anymore. You aren't considering that child's feelings whatsoever. What happens when this child is a girl (I don't see why sex matters, but still...) how do you defend your actions than? It's not his fault (or yours, or anyones) about the extremely sad loss of your previous daughters. But your making him somewhat lose his. All I ask is you think about the daughter's feelings. This is coming from someone who's stepmom tried to seclude her growing up. From my perspective, I was glad when my husband booted her to the curb because she tried to make it so I couldn't see my little half brothers and barely see my dad.

Telissa - posted on 06/24/2010

First you can not be mad at the child or her being brought into this world, every person is made in the image of God and we all have a purpose and a destiny. As a mother be a destiny shaper not a breaker. embrace the relationship with the other baby mama she may be a nice lady who is really not out to hurt you but just wants the same thing you want a solid relationship with a Man who is going to own up to his responsibilities. So before we put the blame on the other woman lets look at the source, the man who is selfish and wants his cake and eat it to.

Sandrine - posted on 06/24/2010

I say, if he chooses to leave you, you raise this baby alone and take him to court to receive child support. It's very feasable, not complicated at all. Some fathers have the funds taken out of their paychecks automatically and deposited in your account. Seek help from friends and family and your local social service center. It's free and everyone is allowed to attend classes, group activities and counsel. Do not abort this child at the stage you're at. Adoption is a good idea if you do not want to keep him/her.

Gwen - posted on 06/24/2010

I was in almost the exact same situation (except we were married) when my husband left me, at 8 months pregnant, for "the other woman" who was also pregnant.

This is not your fault!!

Contact your local Child Support agency to inquire about the procedure for paternity testing and applying for child support.

It's OK to be a welfare mom until you get back on your feet. There's no shame in that. You are not using it as a permanent means of income, and you certainly aren't having more kids just to get more money! Have you looked into WIC (through the Health Department)? Their income guidelines are generally higher than other programs and will help with baby formula, milk, eggs, etc.

My advice is this:
1.Take one day at a time. Do the best you can.
2.Find a good counselor to help you process things. Best money I ever spent.
3.Ask for help. There are tons of private non-profits w/ resources to share. Gov't assistance isn't the only way.
4.Do NOT take him back, ever!
5.File for full custody and child support. Check to see if you qualify for free or reduced legal aid.

You will get through this. It sounds like you want to keep the baby. But, if you decide not to, I would DEFINITELY encourage you to pursue adoption instead of abortion.

Cynthia - posted on 06/24/2010

Take a deep breath and relax.. Sometimes these matters takes a bit of time. I'm not making excuses for him.. Just saying that you don't have to make any decisions right now. Do what ever you have to do to protect your child and baby. Get on with your life. Sometimes we all just need time and space. It's hard to figure things out when someone is pressuring us ... take some time for yourself. Good luck.

Nyaradzo - posted on 06/24/2010

Pliz don't abort or worse still think of adoption.Take this child as blessing God will see you through.My husband left when I 6months pregnant and left me with not only the pregnancy but a 7yr old and 3year old but somehow Im keeping beter still than what we had wen we were a family .So pliz pliz don't do anything you will regret.

Salina - posted on 06/24/2010

Well first of all, don't ever think of not having a baby because you think you cannot afford them. God will make a way. If the baby is not ment to be here he/she will not come here. Second, men are stupid when a woman is pregnant, so what you can do is move on. Don't worry about him. In your condition you donot need to be worrying about a man. I just hope you got his social security number. My advice about taking him back if he tries to come back, I say no. He might find some other foolish thing to do and life is too short for that drama (trust me I know).

Kimberly - posted on 06/24/2010

Whatever you do don't give your baby away, if it has taken you 4 years to conceive don't give the baby away, this baby is a gift from god, and buy the way if your ex won't pay child support take his ass to court and get that money.

STACEY - posted on 06/24/2010

THAT CHILD WILL ALWAYS BE YOUR AND GOD'S NO MATTER WHAT. GOD IS UR STRENGTH I KNOW SO BECOZ I TALK FROM EXPERIENCE I HAVE TWO SONS AGE 18 AND 8 AND A SINGLE MOM FROM THE WORD GET GO. I LOVE EVERY MIN OF IT. ITS NOT GOING TO BE EASY, BUT, WORTH EVERY MIN OF IT. I'M LOVING IT THEY ARE A BLESSING TO ME. GOOD LUCK

Nozibele - posted on 06/24/2010

Ohhh another thing, to make it worrse on the man , forgive him, but that does not mean a relationship with you...easier said than done I know, sori again..

Tanya - posted on 06/24/2010

You are now in the same position as the other woman was left in. It seems to me, this man cannot keep it in his trousers, BUT, I am rather surprisingly pleased that he wants to find out if the baby already born is his. (To me that looks like he has some sence of responsability) . He is in a very big dillema at the moment, and if you want this man, and he feels strongly about you - then please don't rock the boat . Wait until he gets his life in order, and let him know you care for him by being there if he needs you. (PLAY THE WAITING GAME) IT MAY WORK IN YOUR FAVOUR.. If things don't go the way you want them too - then this is when you must decide about your baby (at four months you have no other option, but, to have it). RIGHT NOW YOU ARE TOO ANGRY TO DECIDE ANYTHING AT THE MOMENT)

Nozibele - posted on 06/24/2010

I´m sooo sori for what you are going thru, but as the other mothers said, rethink the marriage decision and ohh please do not take it out on the little one, give the baby a chance to be loved by you !!!

Please, for sanity´s sake, have your baby and cut ties with the Jerk !!!

You have too much to deal with already, just concentrate on what is best for you..

Serena - posted on 06/24/2010

..God does not give us anything we can not handle. In this day and age there is no such thing as a woman raising a child alone..and its called child maintance. i overstand what you mean by not wanting anything to do with the other baby, but then again, you shouldnt feel a way about it.

and anyway he can not pick and choose which child to be a dad to, when he fathered both!

Janice - posted on 06/24/2010

I have read all the reply's and there are some good points made.
There is wrong on both sides, He shouldn't have walked out, and you shouldn't of told him, you don't want to hear about his drama's. He must be upset and confused. He was in a short term relationship before he met you, and thought it had finish. He then found you, and must of thought he'd found the right one to want to propose and try for a baby with you. Then not something you do with out thinking about! Then when he's happy with you his ex turns back up saying she could be carrying his child. That can do a lot to a person. I would have be upset angry annoyed and jealous. But this poor innocent child has done nothing wrong she deserves to know her father. You to should sit down and talk, maybe even with someone there to step in and calm things down if it gets heated. First thing is to get a paternity test. Then after that you need to get help with your loses. They are not his faulty and you need to deal with them on your own, with professional help. To start with so he can grow a relationship with his daughter, if he is the dad, he can used a family members house to met. And as time goes on introduce her into his and your relationship. You need to understand if he was willing to take on your child, you must be willing to take on his. He never cheated on you, you knew he had had previous relationships. You have done a good job with your first child so why even think you wouldn't do the same with your second?! I had my son from a complicated relationship and his father ended up having to leave (religious and cultural reasons), before he was born. and has never seen him, I dealt with this and moved on and year and a half later i met someone new, after awhile he took on my son as his own, we now have a daughter together and are getting married. If an ex of his turned up thinking he was a father to her child, i would have to except it know matter if i didn't like it. It was his past. YOU need to TALK to HIM. CARMLY and sort it out!

Blanche - posted on 06/24/2010

the best thing you could do for yourself is take care of you and that unborn baby, if God had intend for you not to have this baby he would have taken it away by now, but he saw it best for your life right now right here for you to have this baby. and if people leave your life let them go cause you are not bound to them, and they are not bad people it just mean that their time in your life story is over, so let them go your destiny is not tied to them. give him the space that he needs right now do'nt phone do'nt make any contact, if he comes back it was just meant to be. do'nt worry about what you do'nt have right now believe that everything has a purpose in life and everything else will fall into place. it was'nt easy but it sure was worth it. take care and everything of the best for you and your new baby on the way. think of it like this there is people that will never be mothers and fathers out there and then their is some of us that is so blessed with many.

Jodie - posted on 06/24/2010

I don't mean to be rude, but if it is his child then you should be supportive not trying to stop him from seeing the child or saying it wont be allowed in your house, thats just being selfish.

Taryn - posted on 06/23/2010

I have been there... I just focused on myself and making sure that the baby was healthy, I focused on the arival of my little one rather than the breakup, it was hard, but you dont want to be depressed the baby will feel it... I would talk with the father of the baby and see if he plans on helping withe the child finacially and emotionally. You need to know where he stands with his child. An give him time, maybe he will realize the mistake he made... She "may" have had his child, but you are def having his child... Make his help pay for this child he is just as responsible as you are.... he can help take care of his baby... wether you have to file for child support or he give you money... I would try everything before giving the baby up..

Collene - posted on 06/23/2010

I agree with you that your unborn child (and 7 year old) should be your #1 priority. His loyalty should first be to you and to protect you from possible mistakes he has made in the past. You are pregnant and since you've lost children before birth before, he should shield you from this stress. Good for you for taking a stand and not allowing it to be brought in. His reaction to it - leaving - tells you a bit about where his priorities are. Learn from this and move on.
You can do it! I was 8 1/2 mos pregnant when I had a different but emotionally stressful situation with the father. I established a paternity suite, initiated child support and garnished his wages all without the help of an atty (which I couldn't afford). You can too! You need to gear your focus away from what he might do, believe in yourself and make your responsibilities as a Mother drive you in the right direction. Don't give up! Your choice with your unborn child is only one you can make, but do not give the baby up solely for the belief that you can't do it - YOU CAN!

Kristina - posted on 06/23/2010

Sweetie I am really sorry your going throught his. My husband now left me when I was pregnant and I know how crushing it is. To sit there and think about all the things you could of done to prevent it and how you thought things would be. But dont...Dont think about that. I know it hurts but your only going to bring yourself down. From your post you can tell your a proud women. Than why hun are you letting this man get you down? It seems to me that he is using this other women and this other baby as an excuse to break things off. Men are like that sorry to say. They cant drop their balls and tell you straight forward they want things to end. They always look for an excuse and a reason to blame you for why it happend. But dont believe him your not being selfish. As far as the single mother thing people do it all the time and I bet you, that you can do it to. Just pray and ask god to help you. He helps those help themselves. So pull yourself together and live hun. When he sees the error of his ways he will come back. But dont let him back unless your positive he is gonna treat you the mother of his child with the respect you deserve. He should be happy what greater gift could you give the man you love than a child?! Hes being the selfish one dear not you!

Sherrisse - posted on 06/23/2010

baby girl you go on and live life if he will leave you just like that he will do the same to her and when things are bad between them to he is going to be trying to park his tighty whitey back at your house and you don't need that for your kids pray and have that baby and move on i'll be prayin for you.

Takiah - posted on 06/23/2010

I agree with many things that Jodi has said. The other issue here and I think this may have been mentioned before. If he can leave you so suddenly because he "heard " the child looked like him, do you really want to spend your life with him?? Many times the right thing to do is also the hardest thing to do. No one wants to be alone we're not designed that way, however don't settle for the mediocrity of a relationship because of it, you deserve better than that. Also keep in mind that whether you realize every decision (good or bad) is shaping your 7 year old son's idea of what a relationship should be like and how he should make decisions. Decide right now what kind of foundation you want your child (current and soon coming) to have. God won't lead you down a path that you cannot handle, so alot of faith will be needed, but he gave you a blessing of another child, so don't throw it away because some man who isn't worthy of you anyway couldn't be man enough to keep track of his sperm.

Takiah

Tina - posted on 06/23/2010

i agree with other moms you should take him to court
you also have to accept his other child

keep strong and raise your children. you will find a way. live for that baby.

Lesley - posted on 06/23/2010

I don't know your faith but I have to tell you first you should pray for God to help you. I personally believe you should keep the drama to as little as possible and you have to do what is best for you, the unborn baby and your son. I understand how scared you are but I know that you can do it! God has blessed you with a chance to have another child and I feel you should follow his guidance. He doesn't give us more than we can handle. If you need money he will give it to you. I understand you don't want to be a statistic but honestly public assistance is for people like you. People down on their luck needing that extra help. There is no shame in assistance!! It is the people that abuse the system that make everyone ashamed of it.
My opinion....I think you need to take care of yourself and your family. I think you should stay positive and remember that you can handle anything given to you with the right attitude. I know you are hurting right now but just keep your faith and remember that you CAN handle this. It is scary doing it alone and financially but check around for assistance through programs, churchs and friends/family. Remember that you will be able to get child support so you will have some money to help support the baby. You might qualify for at least WIC. I wish you the best and will pray for you and your family!

Melanie - posted on 06/23/2010

@Andrea.....
My cousin had a still born (going on 2 years ago) it took her along time to get over the hurt (Heck, she STILL is griveing for him) BUT it took my sister taking her newborn son to my aunties place at the same time my cousin was there (accidentally) for my cousin to actually hold a newborn boy. This was the first time that she had held another newborn since loosing hers. It did her the world of good being around another newborn, particuarly a boy.
14 months ago I had my son and at the begining of this year, my son and I went to stay with my aunty for a week. I was really hesitant about how my cousin would react around him. It took me a few days to actually sit back and allow my cousin "alone" time with him, cause I was worried that she might fall apart being near him.

My son's father left me when I was 4 months pregnant just cause he couldnt stand the thought of being a father so young (mind you he is 36) I know that he knows that we have a son and I frequently talk to my son about his "real" daddy. Im not going to stop him from finding him when he is older and IF he wants to. When my son was 3 months old I met a really nice guy who has taken my son on as his own. My son now calls him "daddy". In november this year we are expecting a little girl.
My son doesnt see his "real" dad cause we dont know where he is and the "real" dad made it clear that he didnt want anything to do with me or the baby, so thats how Ive left it.
Pretty much my whole point is.... 1) being around other newborn girls WILL help you get over your lost 3 daughters and 2) with this baby... prettty much your not alone as there ARE otehrs out there in the same situation, sometimes worse.

Courtney - posted on 06/23/2010

You are right to avoid the drama, for your health and the baby. And he has a responsability to take care of that child. No ifs and or buts. ANd if you can't afford a lawyer to take him to court most states have programs just for child support. You have a little boy so you know you can be a good mom, and you have been wanting another baby. Don't let your ex or anyone else ruin your happyness. I grew up with very little, but never knew it because my mom loved us so much. Love your babies, love yourself, and make him pay.

Kristi - posted on 06/23/2010

adoption!!!! I cannot say enogh about the blessing of adoption for you, an adoptive couple, and your baby.

Marisa - posted on 06/23/2010

First kudos for you for standing up for you and your children. I was 3 months when the exhusband left me and my son. It was hard but I fell into my faith and nearly 6 yrs later we are thriving and happy. Whatever your decision allow it to be yours and one you can live with without regret. My sons are a great portion of my life and I know my decision not to abort was the best for me without doubt. I wish you enough...

Ami - posted on 06/23/2010

One more thing...you have to question that if he is ready to run to the other woman just because she "might" have had his kid and he knows for sure your kid is his, how invested was he in your relationship to begin with? You are probably better off without him. Sounds like this could turn into a situation where he just runs back and forth between the two of you when he gets bored or mad.

Ami - posted on 06/23/2010

First of all, if both babies are his, he should be in the relationship he is most comfortable with or wants...it shouldn't be that he has to choose this baby or that baby. If both are his and he is a decent person, he can be a daddy to both and help support both no matter which momma he is with. Sounds like he just needs to decide which relationship he wants to be in and think about things before making rash decisions. And if he chooses the other woman, he needs to pay you child support to help raise his kid! And he definitely needs a paternity test on the other kid if he's making life decisions based on that alone! This situation is affecting 2 families.

Zee's - posted on 06/23/2010

No, he's being selfish. You can't ignore that kind of drama, especially if one is unsure the paternity.

first thing is take GOOD care of yourself and your baby.

First, contact child support services in your county and get the paperwork together. Chances are they are going to want a Social Security number on the baby before they'll get started, so get all that paperwork together and in order. Be prepared to mail it from the hospital if necessary. Once it's filed, county child support will arrange a paternity test and go from there.

I know it's hard being a single parent. I'm one and my ex's rights were revoked when he was 3. I've not had child support since then.

Jennifer - posted on 06/23/2010

I don't think that it is fair that you are telling him he is not allowed contact with this child in your house no it is not fair for him to walk out on you pregnant but if you love him you will be there to support him in finding out the truth. He is there to help you raise a child that is not even his and yet you make him choice whether you feel you are or not

Julie - posted on 06/23/2010

you are still better off with out him--no matter what you do.

Julia - posted on 06/23/2010

luk dont worry about it just believe in urself ul be able to do it most grls r!! nd if e wants summit ta do wit da child gud nd if nt fuck em el miss ou

Cindy - posted on 06/23/2010

As you can see from all these posts everyone has a different opinion, do what feels right and maybe see a counsellor to help you figure out what YOU want. You have a family after all to consider and all these opinions are only going to add more confusion to your life.

Jill - posted on 06/23/2010

All you can do is follow your own feelings on what to do. But if you are having a high risk pregnancy then you are better off without the drama. That baby is more important than his drama. My daughter had a high risk pregnancy so I understand what you are going thru. And under no circumstances let him get away with no support for that child! Good luck in whatever choices you make.

Kari - posted on 06/23/2010

Dear Andrea,
I am so sorry about your fiance being irresponsible and immature. Pregnancy can be stressful enough without all the added drama you are experiencing. It sounds like you have the baby's best interest at heart. My advice would be to give this baby up for adoption--that way the baby gets what he/she needs and you can structure the adoption any way you want. Plus you still have your son to love and raise--and you don't have to deal with that immature jerk anymore. Wishing you the best! Kari

Melissa - posted on 06/23/2010

Tell you know this child that your having is his, and to get a test to show that the other baby is his! The county the baby is from will pay for it if the "other Mother" is claiming so. If in fact that this baby in ? is his then you two need to seek some counceling if you two want to be together. Don't shut thi baby your carrying out. Things happen for a reason. One word "counselling"

Jen - posted on 06/23/2010

Hey Andrea,
As many of the other mamas have said, regardless of what happens between you two, you can definitely get child support if the relationship heads south. I have worked at some crisis pregnancy centers in the past and they are awesome at helping out with baby needs and hooking you up with helpful services for you and baby, plus having someone to talk to is nice. You can just look up crisis pregnancy center online and use your zip code to find one near you. As far as placing the baby for adoptions, that is an option but seeing that you have wanted another child for so long, I think you are just scared but things have a way of working out and there is always room for a baby;) You can do this! Hang in there, I hope it all works out with you and your guy, but baby is coming and I know that little one will be the light of your life with or without the dude. Hang in there!!

Carla - posted on 06/23/2010

I am very sorry on your situation, specially because when we women are pregnant are very sensitive and its hard for us to make decisions in a situation like this. I can not tell what decision to take, it´s up too you whats best for you and your children (older and baby) but if you have been trying for so long to get pregnant and have lost 3 babies, stepping out from this pregnancy, I believe, won´t make it easier on you.In my country it is said that every baby comes with a loaf of bread under its arm. On the other hand if the father of your baby doesnt want to raise up this baby with you at least he has the obligation to help you economically. Hope you get to make the right choice for you. God bless you. Sorry for the mistakes, english is not my first language.

Meagan - posted on 06/23/2010

I would have to agree with some of the other women...you def. should have waited longer to get pregnant. Ok it's good that you guys managed to work this whole thing out but the fact that you still insisted he deal with it outside of your home is crazy. If you two share a home together then it's not up to you to decide who can come and who can go...it's a JOINT DECISION. If the child turns out to be his then he shouldn't have to spend time with his daughter other places & if you continue to keep pushing the matter then you're going to lose him for good. As for the whole not wanting to be a welfare mom or "statistic" that's really ridiculous. There is nothing wrong with getting help from the state if you need it. What are you gonna do if one day the two of you go completely broke (God forbid) and that has to be an option..are you just gonna give up because you don't wanna be a welfare mom? Both me and my b/f make money but just because I have another person helping me raise my child doesn't mean we're never gonna have hardships. I still think you are being a bit selfish cause you're still thinking of yourself. It may sound rude and I'm not tryna be but it is no longer about you anymore hunni.

Ogechukwu Christine - posted on 06/23/2010

please woman the only advice I have 4 u as a christian mother is,keep ur child,such kids with such circumstances of confusion & abandonment always turn to be a blessing & goodluck,so keep the baby,God will see u through,take care.

Tammy - posted on 06/23/2010

He's a dick, but will need to pay child support...
On the other hand, an innocent child you need to accept if you want it to work

Kristina - posted on 06/23/2010

There is no shame in getting welfare or anyother help if you need it and as long as you are still trying to better yourself. If you have been trying to have another baby for four years then dont let some pos stop you from being happy, I know it hurts but alls you will need is your babys love and if you did give the baby up for adoption would you be happy or would you always be wondering if he or she went to a good home. Its your choose everyone takes things differently but if he is stressing you out i would just not talk to him till after the child is born because you do not need any extra stress in your life right now.. YOu also have to think about your son to, how good of a big brother do you think he will be other children are always great help.

Cathy - posted on 06/23/2010

Aww Andrea.

You poor thing,,Sounds like you have some desicions to make. Don't make any right now while you are all angry , wait a few days untill your feeling calmer I say pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get on with things. As hard it will be to take each day as it come's. I find that things generally fall into place. You will know what to do when the time coomes Concentrate on your child 7 year old as he has thoughts and feelings too. Look after yourself, eat well, drink lots of water. Focus on you. You qare nit alone...we are always here for you.