8 weeks pregnant with a different mans baby

MamaTo2 - posted on 02/23/2013

When you say "raise this child as his own" do you simply mean you two will be living together and he is willing to help you raise the child and love it as his own as the child will live primarily with you? Or do you mean that you intend to raise the child believing your boyfriend is the biological father and never knowing the true biological father? I agree with the above comments that both the biological father and the child should know who the father really is. It is also best to have that truth out in the open for medical history purposes. Having the birth father involved could make a difference in how easy his is for your boyfriend and in how you approach things. Even if the biodad is never involved there may be times your boyfriend struggles with all of this to some degree. I don't think you are fooling yourself by any means, but I would say proceed in this relationship with great caution as well as sensitivity toward your boyfriend's feelings throughout the process. His feelings may change from time to time. He may at times find his role in all of this confusing or difficult. Allow him room to feel whatever he feels at any given point and try not to hold it against him if it isn't always so easy for him. And here's why I say that: I have been in a similar situation as your boyfriend is now. My husband has a child from a previous relationship. His ex left him shortly after getting pregnant, we started dating just a few months later, and realized we were fully in love a few months after that. All before his child with his ex was even born. His ex kept him out of the loop for most of her pregnancy, other than to inform him of the sex and due date of the baby and that she was unsure if he was the father. From day one I was all-in for him, emotionally, mentally, and intended to be physically when the baby arrived. I envisioned being an involved, enthusiastic stepmom. I was genuinely happy for him and pictured us as this happy little family whenever his visitation would be, imagined helping him care for and play with this soon to be addition. Even after hearing awful things regarding his ex's character and what she did to him, I was pretty indifferent about her. I figured any hard feelings between them were for them alone to deal with and wouldn't affect me at all; I would just support his efforts as a father. However, once the baby was born...it was NOT all rainbows and roses!!! Obviously, I stuck it out--we're married now. But it has been a rough road, to say the least, and most of our problems came from unclear, inconsistent, and sometimes completely unrealistic expectations of me from both bio parents early on, and my husband's lack of understanding or sensitivity for a long time towards my insecurities and discomforts as a new stepmom, and sometimes simply just my needing time to adjust to certain things or take a step back and not being allowed that without having my motives attacked. There have been many misunderstandings. Not to mention that for a long time I was the scapegoat for both parents when they couldn't get along with each other. My DH would say one thing to me and another to his ex. She would often try to manipulate and take advantage of him or both of us, and my husband would take out his frustrations with her on me. He would continually ask me for advice so I would challenge him to consider whether something was actually in his child's best interest. 9 times out of 10 it was not, his ex was just using their child, playing games to see how far he'd bend over backward for HER. When I would point this out because I believed he was asking for my honest input, my DH would get angry at ME and defend his ex, but then knowing I was right, he would try to take a noble stand against her, calling her bullshit, and she would inevitably rage about him being difficult. She of course blamed me for preventing her from getting whatever she wanted all the time, even though it was ultimately always my husband's doing. And he would blame me for all the hard feelings between them if he stood up to her. I tried to be very supportive, I was always 100% on his side in any disagreement he had with her that he voiced to me, but whenever I verbalized that to him, he'd suddenly flipflop to side with her and accuse me of attacking her, of not knowing what I'm talking about, and of hating both his ex and, in effect, the child. However if I stayed out of everything, I was accused of being cold and not caring about him or his child. It was a no-win situation for me for a very long time. Nothing about the situation was anything like what I imagined when I happily began dating a guy who was about to be a daddy, and I probably would have walked away early on if I hadn't unexpectedly become pregnant myself. We forced ourselves to work through those rough times because we had a child together, but it has taken several years and a lot of frustration and hurt feelings. For a long time my DH always had the automatic assumption that any input I gave was fueled by hate for his ex or spite towards his child simply because it was not MY child with him. Now, truthfully, I DON'T think his ex is a good person at all. But personally, she's nothing to me. And his child IS a difficult child (as even my DH will say), but that doesn't warrant hate...it calls for discipline. It has taken a LOT of repeated vehement and impassioned explanations on my part for my husband to finally start understanding that my concern is and always has been for his and our family's (including my stepchild's) best interest, NOT to spite his child or even his ex (I really couldn't care less about that). It has also been several years of his ex unfortunately proving me right, that has shown my DH that I'm not just demonizing her every action, I'm simply reminding him to be cautious and smart in his dealings with her in order to do what is truly best for his child.

I shared my story not because I think your situation will be like ours, but just to show how things can end up so vastly different than how we pictured them initially! There will probably be situations along the way that will disillusion you both to some extent. That's just reality. I don't know your boyfriend's or the father's characters or what either of them expect out of the dynamic, but just try to remain aware that everyone's expectations may not always line up and you just have to communicate openly and find the balance that is in the child's best interest and be sensitive to everyone's emotional needs. Don't fault your boyfriend if he is uncomfortable with certain things sometimes. In these threads I often see people telling stepparents "you knew what you were getting into when you chose to be with someone who has a kid." Nothing could be further from the truth. ESPECIALLY when that child is not even born yet. No one ever knows exactly how it's going to be until they are in the midst of it. Everything evolves over time. That's just life. Feelings and situations are always changing. Just try to always be mindful of that and remember that neither of you went into this knowing exactly how everything will always play out. With that in mind, always try to be understanding and empathetic. Make allowances for each other's changing feelings, insecurities, doubts, etc. Talk openly, listen sympathetically, give him space when necessary, and perhaps most importantly, always try to give him the benefit of the doubt until figuring out where he's coming from if he says something you don't like regarding this situation or your child. I'm not saying everything is always excusable, but being a stepparent can be very difficult and very thankless, so always seek understanding.

Dove - posted on 02/22/2013

I agree with Amy. I hope it all works out for you and your boyfriend. Just make sure you tell the other guy the truth and leave it open for him to be involved in his child's life. If he wants to sign away his rights and have your boyfriend adopt the baby... great for you guys, but if not.... just keep in mind that you will all have to be involved with this other man on some level for the next 18+ years.

Amy - posted on 02/22/2013

I think it's great if he wants to be there for you and this child, but your child has the right to know his real father. Even if the real father does not want to be involved you should still be honest with your child about his dad.

Jennifer - posted on 02/22/2013

Your welcome. Best of luck:)

Marah Heather - posted on 02/22/2013

thank you so very much.... i do believe that he can... and hes in right from the begining as well.... i appreciate your words

Jennifer - posted on 02/22/2013

If you believe your love is strong enough to have him raise this baby as his own I say go for it. Time will tell if he can or can not do it. He may be the best father in the world to your baby. I have kids to someone else and my boyfriend treats them better than their own dad. hope this helps and best of luck:)