A Cry For Help

Jacqueline - posted on 07/15/2012 ( 34 moms have responded )

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I am a single Mother of two children whom I love dearly. However, lately I have been playing the shoulda, coulda, woulda, and what if game. I met my husband when I was 20, we married 11 months later, had a baby, and out of studipity of not knowing how to use birth control, had my daughter 13 months later. By 25 our marriage was over and I got the kids, no child support, no stabe home, or an education to support them. I was a stay at home Mom for three years. What am I to do was the first thing that came to mind. My parents wouldn't help out, so I stay in 3 different shelters to survive from being homeless. I went back to school and earned a AAS degree. I got my culinary arts degree. Now ten years later, I have had 13 employers, 4 different places to live, with the one I am at now hanging by a thread, never had more than 100.00 in savings, and I am the working poor. People say I am strong and a good person trying to and determine to provide a better life for my children. I see a loser, who at the age of 33 is still starting over and can't seem to get it right. What is wrong with me. I pray to God to just end it now. Take my from my hell and call me home. When I drive down the street I want a dunk driver to hit me and kill us instantly. My Father says I am being selfish and cruel. That me wanting to die and the children as well is awful. I agree. But after 10 years of being on my own, trying to live a good life, do all the right things, I am still broke, I get paid minuminum wage, and I'm still on gov't assistant just to put food on the table. How is this living. My children are good kids, they make straight A's, they like helping, and they are kind and polite. But I barely have anything for them. It's summer, and while their friends are out enjoying family outings, vactions, trips to the pool, fun things to do, my children are at home watching t.v or getting on each others nerves, while I am at work making money to pay for one bill and gas. I am tried of trying to just get through another day without something being turned off or to hear that I am being kicked out of my home, because I cannot pay rent. I left my husband because he became abusive and almosted killed my daughter and myself. I thought leaving him for good would be much better than staying. Now I am not navie, I knew I would have trouble getting on my feet again, but 10 years later, I am no where. My Father says I have my children, that, thats something. How is that something. I do believe if I hadn't had them and life was this bad as it is now, then I would have not have a problem with exiting this world. But having children, and being a single parent who can barely care for them is not being successful or something to brag about. How can he say that. If I hadn't been Catholic and thought the only way my relationship with my ex was going to work out, we needed to be married, maybe I would have taken a different path. If only I had lefted him the first time he put his hands on me. If only I could have seen that he didn't love me, but wanted to own me. Why, why, why. I know it doesn't help. But, going back to school, working hard, making sure my children were safe and had the opportunity to live a peaceful life without the fear of being hurt has not gotten me anywhere either. If it weren't for Food stamps, transitional living programs, my parents finanical support in desperate times, and God's grace, I would have been worse off. I don't drink, smoke, do drugs, sleep around, or even go out, but I live a life of pain, sorrow, anger, unfairness, that you'd think I deserve this life style. I can relate a lot to Job in the bible being that I have been abused, mistreated, judged unfairly, and been used, and although, God and I have had heated conversation, I love my Lord and I still believe that I am here for a reason other than my kids. There's nothing like the feeling that you were meant to do something with your life, for someone and you barely can get out of bed or the opportunities aren't there. I am ashamed and disappointed with myself, that I am not able to stand on my own two feet and live up to the potiental God created me for. I know he is not done with me yet, because I am still here and I have commit sucide 3 times in my youth, once in my adolestance, I survived my ex husband's last and final attack, and I have been praying for him to bring us home for the past two years. So, is it wrong to want to throw in the towel? To want/ wish for something bad to happen to me and my family because I can't seem to provide a good desent life for my children? Or am I being selfish and robbing my children of having joy and happiness of a life I can't even fathom with the way my life as gone for the past 33 years? I am not quitter, yet I don't see any progress or results for my fruits of labor and perverences? Yes I am strong and have beaten the odds, but when will it stop? When will I be able to be a witness to God's power and share my story so I may inspire or help someone else that couldn't see the light? When will I be able to have the positive out shine the negative? I don't want to be rich or famous, have a house on the hill, drive a BMW or what ever is popluar these days. I just want to be able to be proud of the woman I am, pay ALL my bills, put food on the table, enjoy hanging out with my children, and maybe once in awhile get out and enjoy being an adult for once. Is that too much to ask for? I need to believe that I am not doing all of this hard work through pain, blood, sweat, and tears for nothing. My children deserve much more, more than I am able to give. Therefore, I am reaching out in anyways I can. Please help me find my villiage to help me raise good, homesome, and productive young adults.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Jeannie - posted on 07/18/2012

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Hi Jacqueline. I just wanted to see how you and your family were doing. I have been thinking of you and hope things are going ok. I wanted to share something my EMT instructor told us. "If you don't have confidence in yourself, your patients wont have confidence in you and they wont let you treat them... Now I know you will not have complete confidence in yourself for a little while but fake it (self confidence) in front of your patients till you gain it." You can modify this to what ever you need but it has helped me in my field and in caring for my kids.
I hope this helps and you are doing ok.
Jeannie

Emeka - posted on 07/17/2012

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Wow!!! So much love coming your way Jacqueline! We have all been throught different horrors in our life, some more than others. You seem as if to have a pattern of it, I do agree that you should speak to a counselor. I'm also going to say sweetie, your kids love you and you're all they need. They do not see everything that you are going through, they just want you to love them. We know you love them, but because you are so depressed thinking about the negative outcome rather than the positive outcomes in life, you cannot show them the love they need. I always say to myself when things get hard, "it could be worse". Someone else always has it worse than me and you and they are overcoming it. If you concentrate on the goal, rather than the obstacles, the goal will get nearer. You are 33, you have your health it seems. I work in the medical field and there are so many who lose their lives younger than you or can't walk, or see, etc. Those who never got to say goodbye to their loved ones or kiss their kids on the forehead. I'm sure they would love to be here because their life was robbed from them and you have yours! You want to escape from this world, you haven't even seen the light. It is there. Remember how God puts obstacles in front of us that he knows makes us stronger and he already knows that we can overcome it. He believes in you, so don't give up! He is always there to show you the blueprint of the maze and how to get out of it. You just have to trust Him. I was in an abusive relationship as well and overcame it. It is hard, but remember there are those who are more confused and weak than we are when it comes to getting out of these abusive relationships. The fact that you did, shows me that you have strength and passion. Maybe you should volunteer at a domestic abuse agency because you have been through it. People relate to people who have been through things that they have rather than people who have learned about it by studying it. You are strong enough to help others. If you volunteer with your degree, you can possible get a job with that agency or that field. Something you enjoy doing, knowing that you are helping others and also providing for you and your family as well as becoming stronger yourself. I KNOW YOU CAN OVERCOME!!! But you have to believe it too. Your kids believe in you, they are counting on you to woman up for yourself and them. Remember, learn from your past so that you can change your present and better your future. Do not get discouraged, it takes perserverance and baby steps. Sometimes, you have to depend on yourself rather than waiting for others to give you strength because in the end all you have is you and your kids. Men come and go and you know what, they are just a man, flesh and blood. Nothing special unless he shows you 100% respect and love, adoration, understanding and helps you out financially, making your life easier. If he pulls you down like a weight, let him go. Your girls need you to be strong or they possibly can repeat your abusive pattern with their spouses or mates. We have to make our decisions to raise our children with integrity, strength, and respect for themselves and others. If you are always downing yourself, they see it and their self esteem will be low as well causing them to choose men who are jealous and abusive, or become victims of rape. They are girls, not sure if you have boys but they too need to learn from you. Be an example and be strong for your kids and above all Jacqueline, YOURSELF...I wish you blessings and please read this whole thing because I took the time to write it. Please learn from it because I have been through it and am still coming out of it by being strong for my kids. Your kids give you strength and as I have said to myself "my kids keep me here." Without your kids here, you might not have been here and wouldn't have gotten the chance to change another's life. You are needed more than you know. It will reveal. You may respond, I encourage you too. Also, I work in the social work field as well, it is okay to be on government assistance as long as you use it as a stepping stone, and not an anchor. There is no embarrassment in that if you are caring for your family and doing the best you can. Check out churces as well, they help. Oh, and I must add, even though you say you are a good employee, managers like an employee who works as a team and has a good attitude towards the other coworkers and the job itself. So if you change your outlook, then it will probably get better for ya and they might start putting an effort in the job that they do.

Paulyn - posted on 07/17/2012

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My heart goes out to you, Jacqueline for I have been in your shoes for some time. I too have two kids and continue trying to make both ends meet for all of us. My eldest son is now 15 years old and my daughter is 7. I too have questioned my being fit as a mother and wanting to give them everything else that they cannot have - a father, economic stability and comfort. All I was able to offer them for most of their lives was constant assurance of love and honesty. I told them that all we had was each other and we had to help each other. Kids are resilient creatures, I have learned, and my kids have learned to tide through the good times and especially the bad. At a young age, they have known that we can be happy even without the material things most people have associated with happiness. There were times when my children knew that we were unable to pay the rent or buy cooking gas or enough money for me to go to work. But we continue on - knowing that there ARE and WILL BE good times.
You sound like a smart strong woman, Jacqueline. Continue improving yourself and believe me, we are raising strong resilient children. There are lessons for us and our children to learn as we trudge through life. Count the blessings you are receiving, focus on them and believe that better times are just ahead.

Christina - posted on 07/17/2012

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Jacqueline....you have gotten so much good advice from the ladies on here, so all I will say is this....I will pray for you and your kids, and I know you will find a way to be alright.

Jessica - posted on 07/16/2012

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Jacquelin, I'm a single mom of two daughters. I think that many of the ladies had some great ideas to help. I'm on meds and see someone once a week for therapy. I had all the feelings that you have talked about. This made a world of difference. I am the person I used to be and liked. Once I got past that I started school. Now mind you I'm at home with my girls like you were and started going back to school doing online college. Yes my dad is paying for internet, but this will not be forever. I know how you feel, I'm on goverment help also. I do how ever have some ideas that might help you get your girls out of the house. The zoo here has a day were you can bring in cans for a food drive, you can also pack a lunch that day. Earth day is another day that you can get in 2 dollars. Work on your physical health, Go for walk. In Louisville they have free movies at a park that you can go to. Our libary offers so great programs for all ages. Books are free and we even won 2 tickets to the aquarium. That was something I wouldn't have been able to afford it other wise. Bike ride are a good family thing. Depending if your girls would like, girl scouts would be a great program. They can wave the dues and the cookie money pays for the activities. Youth group at church would be another free and maybe fun for them. I will try and think on it some more and give you more ideas. My kids are really young so the park and picnics are still fun for them. We feed the ducks our old bread and cearel. I hope that I have helpped. I would love to keep in touch. Maybe we can be pin pals.

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Jessica - posted on 07/18/2012

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Jacquelin,
Great job at taking the first step and going to the doctor. I see my therapist once and week and I don't know why I lived my life without medication. The stuff I'm on keeps me out of the deep dark depressions. I really feel that is were you are,cause I have been there and seen the signs of it. Once the professional stuff teaches you coping skills and that with medication (that is if they feel you need it), hunny you will feel so much better. I have walked your path, I do know. When I first made my other post I didn't realize that you had a son and daughter. I know I said girls scouts, but he could do boy scouts if they are interested. So how did the job stuff work out? I can't remember the day you posted it. Have you heard anything? I will pray and cross my fingers that it all works out for the better. Maybe that is not the place that you are ment to be. If that is the case, you know that when one door closes another opens. We may not see it at first, but it is there. You have the skills and the ability, you just might over looking it. I know you said that you went back to school for culinary, but maybe you should look in to nursing. That is what I am doing now. Schooling should only take 18 mos- 2 years depending on the school. There are always jobs for nurses and most places you work will send you back to school for a better job training or cert. I know you have really been down on your self and I was doing that two, you might laugh at me, but I have been painting my nail and toes. This has been helping me feel so much better and like a human. The little things. Make up some day, looking nice. That might make some difference to you. Keep your head up. Please keep us updated to how you are doing. I don't want to have to worry all the time, cause we haven't heard from you. If you want you can shot me any email. My address is jlmueller1@yahoo.com. Lots of hugs and love your way.

Jacqueline - posted on 07/18/2012

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First and formost, Auntie Arie, I thank you for your prayers and reply to my post. However, I want to make it real clear that I do not want to or will harm myself and children. I have prayed for God to call us home and had vision of what if someone ran into me while driving, but I would never intently harm my children or self. As I had blogged the other day, I have seeked help and I am in the process of see a therepist on a regular basis. Furthermore, when I say I want to give up, I am saying I don't think I have any strength to fight for a better life anymore. Maybe this is all I am suppose to become and I just have to find a way to accept it. Thank you for your interest and advice.

Bee - posted on 07/18/2012

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It is very hard, i am in a similar situation but i make most of the time with my children as possible, i try to do fun things with my children like having a picnic in the living room, taking them to the park focus on appreciating nature and thank God for the little things and at the end of the day it make me feel better, sometime children just need to know that you love them, because their is so many children that have everything but don't have love and that is what is important, what may look normal to you may not be normal until you speak to the other family that seems like they are having fun

Auntie Arie - posted on 07/18/2012

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Hi Jacqueline, first I'm going to start with I feel your pain & I hear your cry out for help. I'll keep you & your children in prayer. What you need right now is to seek professional help with your feelings of wanting to harm your children & yourself because things aren't going right for you & your children. I'm a single mom too of 5 & never ever had thought of taking something from me & my children that GOD gave us which is the breath of life. I was on food stamps, living in public housing, & working minimum wage jobs. I don't drink, smoke, hangout at bars, or sleep around just like you don't but that's how we choose to live. It was a struggle raising my children alone but I did it by myself with the will of GOD & the LOVE I have for my children. I thank GOD that 4 of 5 of my children are grown & living on their own. You're still young to get out there & socialize & get to know & meet people. There is free activities out there that you & your children can do together just ask around or look it up online for the town in which you live. Volunteer some of your time to others that need it & get your children involved. Jacqueline just know that life is a struggle for some of us & we are the people that has to work extra hard to get what we want, but it does & will get better with time. Don't do anything to harm your children or yourself...please seek professional help! I will keep you & your children in my prayers. May GOD be with you, hold & keep you in Jesus name...amen!

Stacey - posted on 07/17/2012

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I know how you feel I felt like that many times, I don't have the best job in the world, with the way today society is I'm glad I have a job, I receive assistance to the put food on my table, I live paycheck to paycheck with the grace of god today I can pay all my bills and at 1 time I couldn't... it takes a lot of hard work I have made some wrong turns wish I could do somethings differently but those are the choices that I made an I have to deal with them and you have to deal with yours... it's hard work being a single parent I went back to school and pick the wrong school so I'm still stuck at the same job I am a HHA, That's a home health aide I take an elderly or younger people that need my help their home I make a difference everyday in someone's life, as for your kids once in a while you have to say fuck it I'm going to take my kids out, but I don't know what city you live in, but there should be a lot of free things that you can do with your kids, check the newspaper or if you can get online put in for free stuff for kids in your area, you could also pack a lunch take them to the park to have a picnic watch them play enjoy them, if you really wanna get to know yourself look at your kids cause they will tell you who you are, to be honest there was times I wanted to smack myself right out of my kids but I didn't they're my joy everything I do I do for them and sometimes I get rewarded with them acting like me... bottom line is you can't get past this depression mode you're in, then you may need to get help,if not for you then your kids

Marta - posted on 07/17/2012

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# 1 don't be selfish and take your kids with you. # 2 don't be selfish and take yourself away from them! Look how much you have already overcome! Go to the doctor and get something for depression and ask him about low or no cost counseling in your area-there may be something. Check with the church for meeting groups for single parents, women or other groups you qualify for, also ask your minister what programs your church has for children in the summer-at the very least they will have bible school. It will get your kids out of the house and they often have field trips and other fun activities. Ask at your local community center or sports center about summer programs they have for children-they often offer scholarships for people in financial difficulties, and check with your local library-they have summer reading programs which not only promote reading, but also offer many great programs for kids-storytelling, clowns, music and games are just a few things our library offers in the summer. It sounds like you are so overwhelmed right now that you can't think of anything positive. Start with the first step-the doctor first to get yourself well and focused and on your way home stop at the library or the chamber of commerce or any other place that would have information about offerings in your city/town and start signing your kids up! Good luck!

Jennifer - posted on 07/17/2012

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im also a mom with 2 kids and no husband but i dont take this as a negative thing,my kids are my angels and they are my life.im doing everything for them infact im here in saudi arabia for 6 yrs working hard for them its a very difficult feeling that my kids grew up without me but i have to sacrifice just to give them good education.things happened for reason God gave us this situation coz he knew we are strong and we could pass this trial.Be strong for your kids.

Ronda - posted on 07/17/2012

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The BATTLE IS IN YOUR MIND!!!! Read "Battlefield of the Mind" by Joyce Meyer and read the Psalms, they are comfort.

Tracy - posted on 07/17/2012

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There have been many replies. Maybe mine is similar, but here it goes. FIRST: the moment you said you think about hurting your kids was a huge flag. PLEASE, find somewhere they can go until you can get things figured out. Second: despite the whole image of super moms and we can fly high and do anything - all of it with a smile on our face and never a tear to be shed - is a MYTH. Most moms will have times in their lives that they get down and even cry themselves to sleep. It doesn't matter what their situation is. It does sound like you've gotten farther than that though in the scheme of things. But please know that you aren't alone in your struggles (the internal OR external ones). Do you have any other mom friends that you can go have coffee with sometimes? REAL friends that won't judge you but will also call you out on any BS you try to feed yourself?

We all struggle - some MUCH more than others. Sometimes life is so biased against one person that it's scary. I have a friend that I can't even believe how she gets out of bed most days, but she does. Sometimes it's by the skin of her teeth, but she does it. I have so much respect for her. It sounds like you and her are so much the same.

ONE LAST MAJOR THING: YOUR KIDS LOVE AND RESPECT ALL THAT YOU'VE DONE FOR THEM!! DON'T LET THIS IMAGE OF A PERFECT LIFE THAT THEY *SHOULD* HAVE DESTROY WHAT YOU ALL *DO* HAVE!! There are so many ways to be successful and being a good consumer is NOT one of them. You make sure they are fed, clothed, housed, educated, etc.. That goes so much further that you know when it comes to the way kids see their parents. Also, you are struggling to provide a better set of life options for your kids. Never lose sight of that. This is all temporary. Do you know how many of these "highly successful" people (CEOs, celebrities, musicians, lawyers, doctors, etc...) came from NOTHING but they saw how much their parents struggled and not only did they want more for themselves, but they wanted to be able to pay their parents back by helping THEM out later in life. Their parents' struggle was THEIR motivation. If you can, think about how much your children can learn about life because of how much YOU struggle FOR them.

Katrina - posted on 07/17/2012

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Hi Jacqueline. Sorry to hear of allyour troubles. The ladies on here have given you awesome advice: see a doctor, legal aid, think of your kids' wedding days (that you'd miss if you weren't here). As for praying for your life to end, I tried that over the yearsand from what I know of our Lord, it'd be a surprise if He DID exactly what we asked in that instance. I grew up in a home with two addresses (mum's house and dad's house). My dad was abusive and my step dad was abusive, so life was awful. I spent the most partof mylife believing Ideserved no better so clung onto anyone who treated me nicely because no one may ever love me again. Ultimatey that left me pretty vulnerable, and found myself again in abusive relationships. I've been in many a situation that I'm not proud of, but, as Joyce Meyer says, I'm not where I wanna be, but thank God I'm not where I used to be. There is always hope. You should really commend yourself on your kids. Your life is tough,but you're doing a great job with your girls as they're A Grade students and are respectful and kind. When my middle child died, that was the end of it all for me, except, I knew my daughter needed me. I had to remind myself to breathe, to have a shower, to get out of bed and to put one foot in front of the other. It was a "season", and eventually I moved forward. With all that life hands you, it's easy to give up, but clearly your ARE a stong woman and a fighter - you WILL get through this. Get as many people around you as you can - to be an ear, to help you out and/or to just have some company. YOU DESERVE IT!! And adults need it. Especially parets and being a single parent is tough. Also, DO be proud of the woman you ARE. Not just the woman you CAN BE. Thewoman you can be, is less tired, stresses less about bills and can decorate a permanent home While these things are totally desirable right now, and many people take them for granted, YOU are NO LESS an amazing woman, without them!! Please remember that!! God Bless xxx

Lori - posted on 07/16/2012

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Although I am not a single parent, I was raised in a single parent home (for the most part). I was abused, and have many days of depression. There are days I think things would be better without me but then I look at my children. I know my mother went through a lot, and I have the most respect for her and everything she has done for me and my siblings. I know how hard it was for her, and even though she never said one negative thing to me about my father, I know what kind of person he is. Children know, you never have to say anything to them. I know it may seem like you are not getting anywhere, but you are. You need to hold onto your faith, and always reach out. I'm glad you are seeking help for your depression. It is so very important. I'm from Canada, so I'm really not sure how similiar our resources would be. But I would definitely seek legal aid and get child support. You are a special person, and an important one. You matter to many people especially to your children. I'm so glad you reached out here. As someone mentioned earlier, strangers are just friends you haven't met yet. I can be a friend to vent or whatever you need! lorirab@hotmail.com Email me anytime. big hugs to you, you are not alone!

Karen - posted on 07/16/2012

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I may be all the way over in England, but I'm happy to pray for
You and be your pal. Kagzie@sky.com.
Make use of me. Strangers are just friends you haven't met yet! X

Mother Of Pearls - posted on 07/16/2012

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Hey Hun well your not alone I have had those thoughts also I have been abandoned abused violated and in every way unwanted as a child also as an adult and a mother life is hard and even with kids it's worse I go threw it every day and I wond what is my purpose in life I'm no good for myself how can I be good for my kids but baby girl I guess there's a purpose for u and for me and for our kids so never harmurself or the kids because there will be a negative outcome yo are a strong loving powerful woman and you will succeed in life we will go threw tribulations forever but you have to hold on to faith and hope and keep going cause your kids love and depend on you you cant let them down it's overwhelming but you can do it just keep pushing yourself just believe in herself I know what you are going threw I have gotten into my truck and just wanted to hit a tree or run my car into the river but I look at my kids and I can't do it because they make me strong and if you remember job went threw it al, he lost everything but he never lost faith never damned god and keep hope in his heart and he prevailed and was blessed triple in all he lost so if he could do it we can do it together you don't need to be alone I'm here if you need me but uh your not alone most of us go threw these things in life although its hard it ok cry scream take a second and then keep going I'm here message me you are not alone I'm here

Alecia - posted on 07/16/2012

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Just wondering where you live... I know it costs money to move but have you thought about trying to relocate for more job opportunites? Life always has its struggles but God ALWAYS has a plan for us so just keep your faith and keep your head up.

Kimberly - posted on 07/16/2012

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Dear sweet Jacqueline, your letter is raw with pain and despair. It sounds like you are deeply depressed which is a medical condition that can be treated. No need to feel ashamed of that diagnosis, you have been stressed and worn out for so long that your coping mechanism is worn down. You are human and under an incredible amount of stress. Please know that others do not judge you as harshly as you judge yourself. I am sure that your children know at some level how hard you try. They are smart and I would bet a large amount of money that they know who is there trying to take care of them and who is absent and not supporting them. Whether or not they express it now, they will always remember you as the parent who tried. While it is nice to be able to do those things you mention you want to do for your children, that is not all there is in life. Your children have the security of knowing they are worthwhile to you and this is way more important than any item or trip you could buy for them.

After my divorce, I faced many of the same problems you did and had to rely on others for help. My youngest graduated high school last spring and took the fall semester off this year. I lost another job (3rd one to be fired from) when I had never been fired from a job prior to my divorce. The truth of the matter is that things are tougher and there are so many things that factor in to make it difficult to keep a job when you are a single mom. When I was laid off from the last job in January, I applied for unemployment and enrolled in the local community college to work on an RN degree. My son and I both got Pell Grants which paid the cost of books, classes, fees etc with money left over for both of us. This is in addition to my unemployment benefits.

If I can make a couple of suggestions, I would like to give you some ideas for a little help to take some pressure off. First, if you don't have access to medical care or psychological care, seek out a free clinic. There is one in our town that I was fortunate enough to find that was available to me and my oldest at no cost based on income. In addition to that, they file for free drugs from patient assistance programs from drug companies and my son and I got brand name psych meds for $4 a prescription. Please check in your area for the local Salvation Army, Catholic Charities etc for help with financial things they may be able to supply. In my state, if you qualified for any state program like food stamps, housing, medicaid, etc, the state would provide free legal help to collect and enforce child support orders. You did not get pregnant alone and I can guarantee you your ex doesn't sit around feeling bad about his children doing without. Why should you feel badly about getting some help since you are the one brave enough to take on the challenge and be there for your children? Sometimes the local domestic abuse shelter will be able to give you help or ideas on how to get training and build your self esteem. Most of the women working there are previous victims of abuse and can help you navigate your path.
One of the reasons I wrote to you is to encourage you to keep the faith and open your eyes to the good things that are happening in your life. You have two wonderful and healthy bright children who look up to you. You just can't see it due to the depression you are in. If you can catch just a glimpse of sunlight, it will spread to other areas of your life and pretty soon, the positives will outweigh the negatives. When you are able to be in the warmth of the depression and stress being lifted, God will bring new and good friends and possible a special someone to share your life with. You will attract them with your new success and positive attitude. Others are there for you and have been there before. You are not alone. One of the things that surprised me was how many successful women I have come across since my divorce that had been in impossible situations also. They were there all along, I just never knew about their struggles until I was divorced and they shared their stories with me. Get out and exercise with your children, walk, ride bikes, play ball, etc. Once you move around, you will feel happier also. Please do not give up the fight. Many do just before they were about to experience a wonderful victory. Hang in there and enjoy the success that you will have in the future. Each day is a small step in that direction. I am just finishing up the prerequisites for my school and have another two years of nursing classes. Even today, I feel unworthy and unlovable sometimes. I just know that I will do my part and God will take care of the rest and bring special people into my life. I think God sent you into my life to remind me that we all face feelings like the ones you are facing. God bless.

Jacqueline - posted on 07/16/2012

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I went for a drive this evening while my children were at library for a teen night event. I listened to inspiriational music and prayed to get it together for my children and myself. You all have been a help. Thank you! I will continue the fight and try to believe this battle I am once again fighting is the Lord and I am in the process of changing for whatever he needs me to be. I also seek out a counselor and have my intake tomorrow. So wish me luck. As far as the other things mention, I am greatful for the advice and will take them one day and step at a time. It's been a little overwhelming. I have been on my own and alone for so long it normal, so the over poured of comments is surreal for me. Thank you again. It was helpful.

Avery - posted on 07/16/2012

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I relate to your situation so much!!! But at the same time, this sounds so bad but I had a dear friend tell me this and once I applied it, it changed my life. She said "you are being negative and that is being selfish because that is your fall back" now I didn't agree with her then but her solution was start speaking life into your situation. Be positive, say I am provided for, I am beautiful, I will.ect 100 fold what the enemy has stolen from me." once you stop letting the enemy consume your mind with the stress and fear of whether you'll make it and you start speaking life into and over things you activate gods life and power into those situations.

If you are having problems financially I strongly suggest going to www.danijihnson.com
She has a ton of free material that will help train you how to manage your finances, raise your kids in a godly manner, how to start your own business, increase your income, pay off debt, everything! And she does it all out of love. I have met her personally and she's amazing I'm a so cle mom of 2 young boys like 3 And under young. Both their fathers don't give me anything, I struggled for a long time but now I'm constantly speaking life and truth and positive things into my situation and circumstances and I've listened to dani Johnson almost daily now and her simple tips and direction s have helped me pull myself out of poverty and into blessing simply because I was willing and ready to change my mindset. I got in touch with a therapist bc I felt the same way you do, felt like my kids would be better off if I wasn't here. But I got into counseling and discovered things about myself that I never would have known bad I not chose to make baby steps and speak positive things into existence.

You can do this! You will push through this! Your children are blessed! Your finances are called blessed and increased in Jesus name and we call you at peace, you are not overwhelmed, you are wise And slow to anger, you are blessed!

You can do this girl! Ask your kids they'll tell you the same thing :)

Hope this helps! You can email me if you need more help with the finances, jking72@me.com or just need to vent because I completely understand 100%

Nonie - posted on 07/16/2012

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I am a single mom for 29 yrs....did it all myself, when to school, got a degree, had a total of 5 kids, two marriages, still ended up single w/ all 5...my story is a lot like yours, But the key words you said is: "GODS GRACE"! That is how I got through it....could not get a job, (even w/ a degree)....both marriages was abusive....I got S**T from my family for having so many kids, they never helped me out, was on food stamps, welfare, got free food, WIC, etc. I just sat my kids down and said, look! i am not super mom, you will get food, a house, maybe a toy now and then, but i cant buy everything you want, but you are very much wanted & loved! We when to church every Sunday, (didn't tell anyone there, my business, until I had no food in the house or the PGE was being turned off, or couldn't pay the rent).... they did help out, a little for that month....I had to learn to budget everything, like buy a whole chicken and use it for 4-5 meals, buy a roast and use it for 4-5 meals, buy noodles, add a can of veggies, 1 egg to it, to make it go far, freeze the sauce from anything I made, make a big pot of chili and freeze the rest, etc. I felt like throwing in the towel many, many, many times, but you know all my kids turn out good....they & you & I have to do what they, you & I do, to make it in this world.....Yes, it would have been nice if they had a dad around, but they didn't miss it, they know they have me and i will always be there for then...they all got to know their dad(s) later on and said "Thanks mom for raising me", that is you reward! Be truthful w/ them tell them how it is....All children deserve more, but some deserve less, all you can do is give them what you can w/ a lot of love.....I have not gone out in over 30 yrs, becuz of raising my children, but my time will come and they will all be gone out on their own soon even, then I will wish they were all home again...Hope this helps.....

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Stay strong! Your kids see how hard you are working for them. Set them up in a youth program for entertainment, they are often free when you ask the right people. They can also start being youth workers (couselors in training, library group assistants, conservationagents etc.) who can learn valuable experience needed for college and university entrance and often pays a little for their extra entertainment. Reach out to different organizations in your area. They are great for providing career upgrades, financial assistance and housing and transportation allowances. In 4 years your eldest will graduate from high school. And at 4 years your eldest can apply for scholarships and grants to support her through college or university. A year later your second can do the same. Spend some time with your kids. Stay up late watch a movie eat popcorn. (if you can't at home the library has movie nights with free popcorn or sometimes there are movies in the parks that are free aswell. If you want me to look up some specifics I can, just let me know what area you are from

Heather - posted on 07/16/2012

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I know how u feel. I have been a single mom for twelve yrs. I am almost 30 and have a degree with no luck at finding a job in my feild. I am a cashier at mcdonalds making 8 dollars an hr on as$sistance and no child support. I know its rough now it will get better i promise. Have faith.

Tina - posted on 07/16/2012

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There is no reason your ex got away without paying support - unless he is in jail. You are a kind and decent human being that deserves a break! Please utilize the Lifelines every company provides nowadays! (Even if they don't pay you shit they all have some sort of Life Balance Program that has councilors at the ready)

I agree with PP that you need to get support from that no-good ex husband of yours! - and PLEASE DO NOT think that your children don't see the sacrifices you make for them! They may have their sullen moments - but deep down they are proud of you for working your ass off to keep a roof over their heads.
You are 33 - my dearly beloved husband at 36 hasn't figured out what he wants to be...you are never to old to figure it out!

I highly recommend you get on the web and start filling in a FAFSA Form(http://www.fafsa.org)
in order to qualify for student aid and start thinking of jobs that need trained, experienced & caring workers - I bet you'd make a kick-ass nurse - and to get your foot in the door you could maybe get a nurses aid job while studying! - We're not rich by a long stretch but with 2 children on our tax return my husband usually gets some sort of grants for the school year. In your income bracket I'd be surprised if you have much out of pocket cost! Pick yourself up - ask for the help you need and grow into the woman you want to be for your family! Giving up is not an answer! - There is absolutely nothing wrong with Government Assistance when you need it! So find out if you can get help with your rent and such! My Co-Worker just rented his newly remodeled home to Section 8 Housing because he could not find tenants that could otherwise afford the place. Be persistent and get the help you need!

Growing up my Mom went from driving an Audi Convertible to not making ends meet when she decided to separate from my Dad. It was a rough go for a few years and then she found herself. Not once did I feel resentful that she wasn't able to give us blow-money anymore like she used too - I'm still in awe that she utilized the resources available to her at the time to feed us and keep the bills paid. I have a profound sense of pride in her and her working so hard for us made us feel loved all around! YOU CAN DO THIS!

Jeannie - posted on 07/16/2012

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Sometimes strangers are the best people to start rebuilding a friend base with. We don't know what you did in h.s. or anything like that. We wont bring up anything up from your past and we don't know anyone from you past so there is a bias towards you. And it sounds like that would be good for you! My best friend and I met as strangers because my coworkers didn't wait for me to get my uniforms before leaving for lunch. She gave me a ride back to our station. Now we listen to all of each others problems complaints and how annoying our husband/roommate are.
Sorry I read another post that had girls so I was going with that.
There are grants to help pay to go back to school. As a single parent you, I'm willing to bet, would qualify for a pell grant. Plus if you are out of work, check with you local county government, but there might be a government system to help. Here it is called Work Force Centers. They help with education or other support to help you get the education to gain meaning full work so you can support your family.

Silvia - posted on 07/16/2012

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You're wrong Jacqueline! That's what friends are for, to have a friend who listens to you and gives you advice, it is something everyone needs!! As for your kids please seek help, I know it's been rough but giving life to them is enough. Please don't think about them getting hurt because life WILL change for the better! You obviously care about your children and yourself or you wouldn't be reaching out. Jeannie gave you her email and wants to be your friend and I could be your friend too. Strangers you've never met are willing to be there for you, to become your frieNds.

Jacqueline - posted on 07/16/2012

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Thank you Jeannie Nelson! I cried, but it helps to hear that some people can make it through the darkness. I've lived a tough life and I want so much more than what I have for children, who are 1 boy and 1 girl. They mean the world to me. I just feel like I'm letting them down. I would love to go back to school again and finsh my under gradute degree, but I don't know how I can come up with the out of pocket money or how I can live and take care of children with a part time job. My children aren't ready for that kind of talk, they know when I am unhappy and are extra kind during those moment, but I don't want them to worry about me. I want them to be kids, As a child of a single parent, they tend to grow up faster than the norm. and I don't want them to. As far as friends go, I don't have any, I don't know how to make them or keep them. Trust issues that go way back to childhood. I would love to have girlfriends to laugh, cry, have fum with, support, and grow with, but I can't help but to think how I could be a friend to anyone, when must of my days are crying days. Who wants a Negative Nancy or a Debbie Downer as a friend? Lately I have been wearing my heart on my sleeve and that's not fair someone- right?

Jeannie - posted on 07/16/2012

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So up front this sounds very similar to the house I was raised in. The main difference is my dad never hit us, we (my mom and I) were treated like third and forth class family members. He did, however tell my brother that everything was mom's fault and to get mad at her and take it out on her. He even hired a lawyer to defend my brother when he almost broke both of my legs and hit my mom with a cast iron skillet. After my mom left him he would call and make it seem like his world revolved around me, only to not show up to see me. From there my mom found a guy who started out so nice and seemed like he was going to help her get back on her feet. That is until he beat her almost to death. Her father would give her money when things would get shut off (my dad refused to pay child support), but he would also tell her that she was a horrible, and ungrateful person and a bad example for her kids. My brother was going to carry on my dad's name so he was treated better. My mom suffered in silence, she was even looked down on in church. She had a lot of physical problems that made keeping a job hard. Her father would say if she wasn't so fat she would be fine, but at least half of her problems didn't have anything to do with her weight.
I knew from a young age that something was wrong and something was making my mom sad. I thought it was something I was doing (thanks dad!!), or not doing. One day when I was 11 or 12 I think I asked my mom what was going on. I had been more mature for my age most of my life so I guess she thought that I could understand by then. Mom told me a little bit of what was bothering her. I finally told her that dad jerking me around like a yo-yo was making me feel bad about myself. We decided to move on from there and have it be just us girls. From then on my mom and I would sit in bed and talk about whatever, before I went to bed. My brother would bounce in and out of our lives, but the core strength of our family was the two of us. Sometimes if felt like the world was against me but I always knew in the back of my head that mom would never turn her back on me. We would say "it was us against the world!" Sometimes we would win most of the time it felt like we would loose. Having my mom as my back up, and fully understanding that she had been there too, made the losses a tiny bit easier to take. Mom never made it off government assistance but she was starting to know her self worth was not in the amount she brought home, but in how she felt about herself (was always a work in progress), how her kids turned out, how they thought of her, and that she never gave up. I have a wonderful husband but when she died I felt like I lost the one person that I knew I could trust and count on to be by my side no matter what. Oh I celebrated my 4th anniversary this year, but I have had/seen to many men leave when they got what they wanted or when they wanted something new.

The point to all of this is I wanted you to know that there are others who have struggled and made it. Depending on what "it" is to you. It changed for us a lot. Start small!! Maybe your first "it" can be thinking of your daughters on their wedding day and seeing how beautiful they will be, and doing it whenever you feel like crying. At least you can cry proud tears then. That was a trick from my mom. Also, depending on their age and maturity, talk to one or both of your kids and see how they are feeling. Maybe the team approach will be what you and you family need. Only you can decide that. I want you to know that even with all the moves having to go without etc I still turned out ok. I am working on double college degrees, and have two children of my own, and a stable place to live. I have something that is invaluable and hard to put into one word, I guess it's like having a blue print on how do deal or try to deal with things when they go wrong. Or having a go through hell and come out alive mentor. And also the determination to prove that I can live up to her strength, courage, and heart. It sounds to my like you are giving something like this to your kids. I know my mom wanted to end it a few times, probably no more than when she and I where fighting. So I don't know if it's normal but I know you are not alone there either.
I am willing to be one of your adult friends if you like. My email is snuggles278@yahoo.com if you want to talk.

Jacqueline - posted on 07/16/2012

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Thank you Louise and Michelle. I appreciate your feedback. I will look into legal aid and therapy help. Money is very limited now. I just had a talk with my boss at my job on my day off and he informed me not to come in for the rest of the week. He didn't say he was firing me but not to come back til next Monday. So, it seems that I am once again without employment. It doesn't make sense. I am over qualitified for the job, yet I am the one that is being let go after 4 weeks of hard work and during the job well. I came to him 2 weeks ago about co workers not wanting to work continuely during their shifts and how to handle it. He said I was during the right thing coming to him with it. That the crew is young and this is many of them's first job. Now he throws it back in my face about the crew is complaining about me being bossing, throwing my experience in their face and want to do things my way. Therefore, he doesn't want me to come in until he figures things out. What is a girl to do? For the last 2 weeks I have come in and done my job. Gone above and beyond. I am a shift lead and suppose to direct the crew, but they don't want to listen to me. So I just work. And now it seems I am being punished for trying to make things right and better for the whole company. He couldn't even give me a direct answer of what I was doing wrong. How I am suppose to correct an issue that I don't even know about. He ask me if I enjoy working there. I told him I do when everyone does their part. When others are standing around gossiping, you will find me working. He thinks I am not having fun at work and there is suppose to fun at work. I believe that at times work can be fun but not all the time, especially if you are the one carry the most load of the labor because you don't want to step on anyone toes, so they can't complain about you. And guess what they still do. Why is this happening to me over and over? What am I doing wrong?

Michelle - posted on 07/16/2012

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I agree with Louise but also go talk to a legal aide lawyer and sue your ex for child support not only will they find him and make him pay, but he will also have to pay back support from the day that you divorced this money is owed to your children and will definitely help you get out of this rut you are in. Seek help for you depression issues and nail your ex to the wall.

Louise - posted on 07/16/2012

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Jacquelin you need to see a doctor to help you control these feeling of utter dispair. You may need medication for a while to help you handle every day life. You must not dwell on the what if's, but move forward with your life and look at the positives. You and your children are fit and healthy, your kids are doing great at school to prove you are a brilliant parent. You work hard and pay your bills and your girls love you. I know you feel life is an up hill struggle but you have done the hard bit. Your girls are getting older now and before you know it they will be working or moving out. Time flies so fast with children. Hang on in there! Go to church if that helps you, get involved, join the choir or something. Adult company once a week will boost your confidence and make you feel part of the human race again. Struggling daily is very depressing, so you need to break the cycle and get out to meet people. Join the school committee it costs nothing and you will meet parents facing the same problems as you are. There are a lot of single parents out there that feel the same as you. Please do something positive today and ring the doctor for an appointment. Take charge of your life and step out of the doom and gloom and into a new positive you. You can do it! xx

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