A question about a fathers rights.

[deleted account] ( 64 moms have responded )

My son is just a few days old. I didn't tell the man I believe to be the father he was born. I don't want my son around him or his family because they are so mentally unstable. If he can't contact me and he doesn't know where I live anymore is there anyway for him to get a DNA test orderd through the court?

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Buffy - posted on 08/01/2012

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First of all, CONGRATULATIONS on your new baby boy! Falling in love with your baby in those first few weeks is such a priceless experience, and it goes by so quickly. What a tough thing to have to worry about right now! I think that the fact that you're even asking about this shows that you truly want to do what is best for your baby. I can't imagine how hard it must be to think about having to let someone that you don't completely trust take your newborn baby anywhere, even for a few hours.
If he knew you were pregnant, chances are that he will find out where you are if he wants to be a part of the child's life. Do you know how he felt about the pregnancy? Maybe he would agree to sign over his rights to avoid paying child support. But if he wants to be a father, he can go to juvenile court and file a petition, and more than likely, they will help him find you. I know it's hard, but if this man is in fact a danger to your child, I think you should trust the court to make the right decision. If you do end up in court, you need to be totally honest with the judge and let him/her know your concerns. Chances are the judge will understand and do their best to keep your son safe. They can order parenting classes, supervised visitation, and many other options. Who knows? He might decide it's not worth it and you will get what you want in the end, legally and without having to fear that he could show up anytime and cause trouble for you. I can't say I believe what someone else said about the possibility of you losing custody just because you didn't notify him. We've all heard or read "horror stories" about custody battles and judges making incompetent decisions, but a lot of times, the people who tell these stories tend to leave out a few crucial details. I have a hard time believing that, especially if he knew you were pregnant, that you have any obligation to let him know when the child is born and where you are. It's HIS responsibility to go through the court to pursue this if that is what he wants to do. And if you've never been to court, no DNA test done, and he were to just take the child, that is called kidnapping, whether he is later proven to be the father or not.
And I definitely don't agree with "You had sex with the dude knowing you wouldn't want to have a child with him. You may not like him or his family, but he has every right to know he might have a son out there. You made the choice to lay down with him, now you need to do the right thing and tell him."
I understand where that person was coming from, but that's a bit presumptuous and judgemental, considering the little bit of information here. Regardless of past circumstances, the bottom line is that you have a child now, and your priority is to keep him safe. But I'm not sure that trying to hide him from this man is the best way to go about it. One thing that you can do so that you are completely aware of your rights and/or obligations, is call your local juvenile court and just ask them. You don't have to give your name, but there should be someone there who will answer your questions with the facts regarding the law in your state.
The last thing I will say is this: CHILDREN ARE A BLESSING. PERIOD. God DOES NOT say "Children are a blessing IF....you have them when you're married, or.....IF....you are financially stable, or.....IF you think you're ready. This child was a gift from God, and is a blessing no matter what!!! I really do hope this works out for you, but for now just try to focus on enjoying every minute with this precious little boy that you have been chosen to take care of.

Amanda - posted on 08/01/2012

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It might not be the popular response but I disagree. You know this man we don't. Keeping your emotions out of the equation if possible. The father of my baby due in Nov knows the baby is his but I will do everything in my power to keep him from my boys. Sadly sometimes you don't really know someone until it is too late. I don't agree that just because you choose to sleep with someone means you should put up with things or people you arent comfortable with or want your child subjected too......

Sally - posted on 08/01/2012

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It's your right to choose. It's no different than going to a sperm bank and becoming pregnant with in-vetro, it's just cheaper. If you don't mind not collecting child support to raise your kid, then I see no problem with it. In the state of Texas, if you are not married and the biological father does not show up to the hospital to sign the birth certificate documents, the father's name does not go onto the document. You later have to file for child support and possibly prove paternity (at cost to the male), if you choose to do so. Laws probably vary widely by state, you may want to do some research into it. I have two that I never allow to see thier "sperm donor" because his family is attrocious and he has never tried to gain legal rights to see his kids because he's a loser.

Jessica - posted on 08/02/2012

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You are all missing my point! It isn't about abuse or who is right or wrong...the moral of my "paragraph" is that you all need to quit throwing your opinion around and making rude comments to this girl and everyone else who has responded. She asked for advice not moral judgment or opinions weather I agree with her decision or not is for me to keep to myself as should the rest of you. I used my story as an example that your are not all correct in your assumptions. Act like adults. My vest advice for you lacey is to get a free consultation from an attorney that is not in the same county as your judge. Judges dont always see the truth or make rational decisions. I listened to lawyers in my own district, and they Will not go
against the judge and now my kids are unsafe and I worry about them to the point im physically ill. Get info from more than one lawyer and do what you decide is best.

Sally - posted on 08/02/2012

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Wow...
I think those who assume they are perfect by telling people to "use a condom", "maybe it's your fault", etc, etc, etc... need to go find another topic to comment on and quit berating the girl for HER LIFE DECISIONS.

Lacey, In my first post I missed your question "If he can't contact me and he doesn't know where I live anymore is there anyway for him to get a DNA test ordered through the court?"

It would do you good to call a family lawyer and ask your question, as every state is different. Here, in Texas, where I am, it is very hard for a biological father to obtain any rights without the mother's acknowledgment of him merely being a possibility. They are sent to the child support agency to inform them that they believe they have a child, but are told that until the mother comes forth filing for it, there is nothing they can do. They don't track down mothers. Now, if there are standing visitation orders and the mother denies the father access to the child, yes, she can be taken to court.

Do what you absolutely feel is right for your situation. My opinion...if you never speak a word of who you believe might be the "father" of your child, then you have no worries. If you were not asked at the hospital to provide the information, then the courts already deem your son "fatherless". As far as your son being any less than any other child because you denied the right to their biological other half...that's all speculation and personal oppinion. I wish you all the luck in the world on the decision you make for your personal well-being.

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Candace - posted on 08/02/2012

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So many of these posts are very un-compassionate. I Understand what you are going through, except I did let the father know as I was married to him at the time of their births & they have suffered so much because of it. I am truly sorry you are in this situation. Sometimes we just don't know until it's too late what we have gotten ourselves into.

He can get DNA tests & any government assistance will require you to write down anyone you have slept with for a paternity test too. He will also be allowed rights.

My story that might help others be more compassionate:
I have been divorced for 6.5 years, my oldest daughters 11 & youngest 8.
I have done everything I can to keep my kids with limited visitation with their alcoholic/drug addict (meth) father, who has been in & out of prison since they were born, was abusive to me & tried to kill me once (police thought I was just an angry ex) & his family has money (his Dad is a dead ex Chief of Police) his family supports him, even when he was drinking & driving with my girls in the vehicle. They all talk bad about me & my boyfriend, who does support my kids 100% to my children & he has even called my daughters recently tattle tales & liars for telling me what he has been doing wrong.
I have not had any protection for them through CPS, his probation officer or the police station, in which I have called numerous times & have an open case with CPS for 3 months now. Instead they sided with him, even called him to "warn" him that I called on him for the DUI. He also does not pay child support at all & it's only $263 a month for 2 girls. He is now over $20,000 in arrears.
Again, thinking I am just an angry ex trying to "get back" at him. I would love more than anything for him to straighten up, pay his support & be a real father. My boyfriend is a wonderful man & my girls think of him as their real father. My girls themselves beg me every time to not make them go & I do not have a choice.
I have no criminal record, the same job for 7 years & live on my own (he is 38 & lives with his mother), I live a clean life that is never my own, but my children's & family. I am at a total loss as even though he is, does & doesn't do all these things, & I have tried to get help, he still has full visitation rights.

I am not trying to scare you, but this is truth. You need to do whatever you have to do to protect your baby. I have kept everything legal & look where it has gotten me. I am not saying to do anything illegal. Just make sure you are completely prepared, get any proof you can that this is not a good environment BEFORE you sign anything about visitation.

Many prayers to you Lacey!

[deleted account]

I'm going to lock this thread because the OP decided to delete her account for some reason. So all this advice will not reach her. Plus we're just going around in circles and its getting pretty heated.

Thanks,
MOD
Julianne

Chaya - posted on 08/02/2012

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Yes, he can. and if he does, he can at least try for custody.
You can get legal custody of the baby now if you think he or his family is unstable. I got it after my husband and I had been married for seven years. About two years into our marriage, my husband was in an industrial accident which caused a major brain injury. After brain surgery, which was successful, but his entire personality changed.

Lacye - posted on 08/02/2012

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Amanda, you really need to reread what exactly I said. I didn't say you needed it. I said "if you needed it".

I will stand by what I have said many times and will continue to say til the day I die: It is WRONG legally and morally to withhold a child from one of his/her parents. And yes, it is illegal. If the father of your second child ever decided to ask for a DNA test, he will get it.

Amanda - posted on 08/02/2012

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Oh and the you have to sue for child support before being allow to put your kids on Medicaid is inaccurate as well there Lacey.... I have a neice on Medicaid who has no father of record and thus no proof of anyone being sued for child support on her behalf.....



Oh and there are 2 lawyers in my family and district judge on my oldest sons fathers side. I do have a small clue about Texas Family law.....

Amanda - posted on 08/02/2012

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Lacey, I don't need luck getting "welfare or public assistance". Both my boys are on my EMPLOYEE PROVIDED INSURANCE... so you wont be supporting my kids or choices. With my career I am quite capable of providing for my kids without public assistance. I have made the choice to single parent my second son there for all his needs will be handled by me and me alone. For the record my oldest son has a father who pays his child support and has visitation, he was never withheld any time or access to my son and even gets him on days that are not court ordered because WE are adult enough to put our son's best interest ahead of the issues we had as a couple. OH and I think EVERYONE here needs to read up before giving out legal advice. In Texas it is the mom's choice as to whether the child's father signs anything, what last name the child has and whether OR NOT to seek child support, although visitation is a separate matter if there is no proof of paterenty then as I said there is no legal father.....

Dove - posted on 08/02/2012

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I'm blunt too. I DO apologize for it sometimes. I don't mean to be 'rude', but it is what it is. ;)

Shawnn - posted on 08/02/2012

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Lacye, I am on your side in that one.

Don't apologize...LOL...I don't! I'm a bitch! (Ok, so I'll apologize if I read a situation incorrectly and base my response on that...but that's about it!)

Lacye - posted on 08/02/2012

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Dove, Lori and Shawnn: They are talking about me being mean and horrible. I choose to stand up for children who are alienated from their parents, whether it's the mother or the father.

Like I have said before, I am blunt. It's not meant to come across as bitchy, but most of the time it comes out that way. But I'm not going to say sorry about it because I feel very strongly about this subject.

Tara - posted on 08/02/2012

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Lacey,

Yes he can go to court and get an order for you to submit a DNA test. You will have to do it or be put in jail until you do it. My ex went after his ex for paternity and she refused to take the test. She sat in jail for a few days and he asked me if we could bail her out because he felt bad. I told him no she can take the test. Every man deserves to know that they are a father and given the chance to prove that they can be a good father. I gave every chance for my son's dad to be a part of his life. The dad chooses not to be there for his son. And unfortunately my son suffers from it. He has to know where I am going at all times because he is afraid that I am going to leave him too. Let me also add that "dad" hasn't been there from day one so I didn't think that he would be as affected as he is but he is. If he is abusive, which you didn't come right out and say, like I said in previous post, you don't have to give him your address he still does not need to know where you live. If he is awarded visitation, there are ways that you can deliver your child to him without him going to your home or vise versa. The Department of Child Support Services in your area should be able to help you with this. again GOOD LUCK and please think of the child's best interest when you make decisions about the father.

Dove - posted on 08/02/2012

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I haven't given a single verbal assault to the op as she has closed her account and very well may not be reading a single word that anyone has posted.... My FIRST response was to her and her only. Everything else has been posted to the people responding......

Lori - posted on 08/02/2012

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Just FYI...my response had more to do with other responses than Lacey's predicament. Those referring to the sperm donors and thinking it's okay to disregard the father's wishes or not tell him at all...says a lot about your character, or lack thereof.

Shawnn - posted on 08/02/2012

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Good grief, Chandra, considering in my initial response, I wasn't even really addressing the original poster, just the board as a whole...

Get a grip ladies. No one likes hearing that what they're thinking may not be correct, and I'd really like to know how I was "judge and jury"...other than judging that (as usual) if someone doesn't like to hear something, they'll take immediate offense, regardless of whether or not the comment is even directed at them.

I guess the old adage "truth hurts" is still as good today as it was when I was younger.

Chandra - posted on 08/02/2012

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as that is more a post of facts instead of the actual verbal assults on this original poster, yes it is MUCH better. And stated more in a way of answering a q as a lawyer and not a judge and jury

Shawnn - posted on 08/02/2012

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All I'm saying is, if you are in the US, and you have a child, and keep the knowledge from the person who is the biological father because you are seeking to not have that person be involved...When they DO find out, they WILL be able to get court ordered paternity testing, and they WILL be able to contend with you for visitation and custody of that child.

Lacey's question was Could there be any way for him to get a DNA test ordered? YES!!! He will only need to get an attorney, and he's in like Flynn...

AND, some judges would take the hiding of the fact from that other person to be obstructing them from knowing their biological child, WHICH COULD result in either shared custody/visitation, or more exposure to that person than you would like.

There, better? I'm sorry that you ladies think that you're being picked on, but facts are facts. If you do this, you DO STAND A CHANCE OF HAVING IT PLAY OUT IN COURT.

Chandra - posted on 08/02/2012

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dove: its not that its "wrong" its how people word statements and judge based on what is not known by said judge... so before you start getting offended on being told your wrong, maybe you should get a little human compassion within you and reread how yours and some other posts were written.

Dove - posted on 08/02/2012

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I love how trying to give real life experience based on what is legal and moral and right for the kid makes a person wrong.....

Lacye - posted on 08/02/2012

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My son to be's father will not be there when he is born nor will he be on my sons birth certificate.

Amanda: Good luck getting your son on Medicaid or getting any kind of assistance if you ever need it. In the US, you HAVE to sue for child support in order to get any kind of government assistance. And please tell me I'm lying because I have been told this by not only a lawyer but also DHS as well when hubby had to go and set everything up when he started paying child support. As for not telling your child's father, yes you can get into trouble for that, which was also told to me by a lawyer.

What boggles my mind the most about situations like this is women honestly believe they have all rights and the father has none once the child is born. That women deserve everything and they feel like they don't have to involve the one person that helped them create this life. You want to know why I sound bitchy about all of this, because my mother kept me from my child and my husband's ex is doing the same damn thing to him. I have been in this situation before. And here's a little secret, because my mother kept my sister and I away from our dad, when he filed for custody he got it on the fact she kept him away from us! Judges do look at things like that.

Shawnn - posted on 08/02/2012

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Oh boy...Ladies, if you are in the US, you need to get familiar with the laws...

Those of you saying that "it's YOUR right if you don't want a man that you slept with on a one night stand to not have access to the child that has 1/2 of his DNA"...

YOU ARE ALL INCORRECT. If you are in the US, and you have a child with someone (whether you actually intended to get pregnant, or not), and that someone wants a DNA test, which determines they are in fact the father, YOU CANNOT REFUSE THEM. Unless, of course, the kid in question is over the age of 7.

If you have a child by someone that you don't want to allow kids around, you'd better have solid proof of any allegations (abuse, mental instability, etc), or the court system WILL decide that shared visitation is ok.

If the man in Lacey's case does decide that he wants to challenge paternity, all he needs is an attorney, and she will be required to take the baby in for a test. If the test determines that this man is the father, then the courts will be involved, and she stands to lose more than she gains.

Speaking from experience here. Lacey, it's in your best interest to be open, because if it's determined that you "placed obstacles" in the path of the biological father, the courts look down on that.

Lacye - posted on 08/02/2012

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First, it may have come off that I was being judgmental. However, I was anything but. I'm a blunt person. I say what is on my mind. If it offends some, I can't help that. I stand fully by what I have said.

Jessica: This girl never said she was in an abusive relationship. That comment came from another person. I have seen first hand what it is like for a person to be in an abusive relationship, so sorry but I didn't read your mile long paragraph. Maybe I was being a little insensitive when I said it doesn't take a genius but then again, if it's how I feel then I'm going to say it.

All I'm saying is, this guy doesn't even know this child is alive and could possibly be his. She has a responsibility, not to him but to her CHILD, to tell him that the baby might be his and that he needs to have a DNA test done. It's not just about her and what she wants anymore. It's about that child and what he needs! If this guy is the father of her baby, she needs to tell him.

So for those of you who think you are going to gang up on the big bad hormonal Lacye, think again. I'm not standing down because you think it's ok to have a child be taken away from it's father. Potential or not. The guy has a right to at least have a chance to do the right thing for his kid.

Dove - posted on 08/02/2012

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Perhaps you missed my post where I MARRIED a scumbag who wasn't one when we married....

Amanda - posted on 08/02/2012

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Layce I think you are WRONG, You have No right to judge other moms for their choices. Contrary to what you believe you have no clue as to the particulars of someone elses life or choices or even why we could possibly want to keep our kids away from these men...... THE fact your husband pays child support and KNOWS he has a kid changes this completely whether you agree or not...... If the father does not know and DOES NOT pay child support and the mom wants to carry the weight on her own that IS HER CHOICE!!!! IF she goes for child support then the dad does by LAW have right to visitation..... But until paternity is PROVEN then legally there is no father. In Texas that is just the way it is. My son to be's father will not be there when he is born nor will he be on my sons birth certificate.

@ Dove ONCE again maybe you have been blessed but some people go into a relantionship believing it is the best thing in the world, get pregnant and only after that find out the guy ia a scrumbag..... Maybe you can share the ESP you clearly have to know what guys are scum bags I am sure there are a few ladies who would love to know that b4 getting involved with them........

Lori - posted on 08/02/2012

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Where is our society going? Just because the "sperm donor" doesn't carry the child in his body doesn't make him any less the father. It's the woman's choice whether or not to carry a child in her body yet the man has to pay child support even if he doesn't want a child. Now some of you say it's the woman's choice whether or not she even tells the father he has a child? Unbelievable. How about getting to know someone, maybe even get married, or at least be in a committed monogamous relationship before jumping in the sack. Yes, there are circunstances where a man (or woman) may be able to pull the wool over their significant other's eyes, but more often signs are ignored or a couple just grows apart and one or both parties demonizes the other. Yes, she's going through a hard time but maybe it's time someone showed her some tough love and held her be responsible for her choices.
Lacey, I do wish you and your baby the best. Don't get yourself in trouble legally. I know someone who chose to run off with the baby b/c dad and family were horrible. She ended up with limited access and it took years and a major illness to get a reversal.

Kathy - posted on 08/02/2012

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Absolutely; the biological father has rights to his son. Every state is different in how these rights are executed, so he would have to check with a paternity attorney to find out what to do. Your best option is to get your own attorney, in my opinion, if the family is as unstable as you report. The court is going to give him visitation, if he is the father, so be prepared for that. Only a good attorney who knows the laws in your state will be able to assist you through this quagmire.

Paola - posted on 08/02/2012

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You can first find out who the father is then decide. I don't think it's right for women to not want these fathers in their Childs life yet expect child support.

Halie - posted on 08/02/2012

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Everyone deserves to know where they came from. That is not a choice you have the right to take away from someone. My sons father and I are no longer married and for what sounds like a lot of hte same reasons you dont want his family involved with your child. However i followed what I knew was right by my son and in the courts. Through this he hung himself in the courts and they removed his rights. Any contact with him and our son has to be at MY DISCRESION. I gave him a chance to be a dad to our son, when he proved he wasnt ready I simply took that right away until he takes the steps to prove himself ready to be the dad our son deserves. If he ever gets himslef in a good place in life and makes himself safe for our son to be with him. I will slowly introduce this. But you have to think long run. I never wanted my son to feel like i kept him from a relationship with his dad. Kids are smart the pick up things and develope feeling on situations you would never guess they have a clue about.

Jessica - posted on 08/02/2012

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Dove, that is awesome your abusive ex is good to the children but many are not, my point is if you are just going to be judgemental and hurtful keep your opinion to yourself. If you have legal advice, or something helpful or inspiring to say then post it. My abusive ex is terrible to my children has told my 8 year old he is a waste of life etc and so on...my children were happier with their step father thantheir bio father. obly lacey knows this man, give her advice she can use, not a hurtful uneducated opinion of ignorance
Celeste, the same goes for you my dear! you do not know this womans situation so keep your ignorant comments to yourself she is seeking advice, not the approval of some heartless person who can talk big cuz were online. you have no idea what she meant by her comment, she may have worded it wrong, or maybe she is like me and tried to move on and was forced by her ex....resulting in a paternity test! How do you think your comments make people like me feel, my boyfriend and i tried to raise who we thought was our daughter and she was ripped away from us every other week because of some idiot that forced me into intercourse..... ONE TIME got me pregnant, by the wrong person.....just think before you post, words can be very hurtful

Holly - posted on 08/02/2012

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Amen Jessica! The net courage on some people is amazing and quite heartless. I often wonder if people would say some of the things they say online in person.... then I remember they wouldn't or if they did they wouldn't have any friends in the first place.

Celeste - posted on 08/02/2012

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I think you have bigger problems if you aren't even completely sure who the father is. Maybe next time use a condom then you wouldn't have to worry whether the father might be mentally unstable or not!

Sandy - posted on 08/01/2012

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I think it depends on the state, but some places allow you to not list or name the father of the child. If you don't name him, then he isn't legally the father. He can get a court order to get the test done at his own expense, iIrc. However, it's difficult to get that for free. You should probably ask a lawyer.

Erica - posted on 08/01/2012

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There is a lot of emotion and misinformation being given on this post. Here is my take...
I can't speak for other states but in California it is NOT illegal to not inform the birth father that you have given birth. There is no requirement to put his name on the birth certificate. It then becomes his responsibility to prove he is the father to the state. The state can then order a DNA test to prove his paternity. Even then you won't lose full custody of your child unless he proves you to be unfit, which really is hard to prove. The state bases the visitation based on how much the child is attached to each parent at first. California provides parents with guidelines for visitation and strongly encourage parent to increase the visitation as the child becomes more comfortable with the father.

My advice to you is to take advantage of the free consultations that family attornies provide. See 2-3 different ones and find out your rights in your state.

Regarding all the talk about hurting the child because the father isn't around... They have a point. A well balanced healthy child needs both parents unless you have proof that the father is unfit. I know of a girl who was sexually abused by her father during his visits for 7 years (since she was 3). So there are times when a father is not actually good for the child. No one knows that man the way you do. If you are positive that he is unstable and it's not just emotions then you do what is best for you and your son.

No one on this site walks in your shoes, seen what you have seen, and knows what you know. Only you. Gods speed and good luck.

Tara - posted on 08/01/2012

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Lacey,

It all depends on the state that you live in. It is a state matter. I know in the state of Washington it doesn't matter if you list anyone one the birth certificate as the father, if he doesn't sign it or DNA testing is done the father is listed as "unknown" The child is a ward of the state and you or dad has to file "you would be a defendant" to have custody of your own child. You will have to disclose the "possible" fathers but you do not necessarily have to both get DNA testing done at the same time or place. He doesn't have to know where you are at or address. Let them know that it was an abusive situation and you don't want him to know where you are residing if that is the case. I hope this helps. Learn your rights for your state because every state is different. In Washington any man can sign the birth certificate and become the "father" of said child and even if paternity was done the biological father still would not have to pay child support who ever signed the birth certificate would be responsible for child support. GOOD LUCK!

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He doesn't know the kids alive, its illegal to do that. He should have been notified and given the option to deny rights by not signing the birth certificate. If found out it could be used against you in a custody battle.

Jessica - posted on 08/01/2012

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i wouldnt say nothing until the child is old enough to deal with him and whatever crap comes at you, and i wouldnt worry about him taking you to court cos why would he bother??? I think that if he dont know there will be less problems!

Dove - posted on 08/01/2012

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I see my name above, but that is all I can focus on. I'm not reading a mile long paragraph.....

I was IN an abusive relationship and my children adore their father. Say whatever you want, but children suffer when they don't have their father in their lives. Look up the research on that.... cuz I live it every day.

Jessica - posted on 08/01/2012

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Layce,
I think you seriously need to get off your soap box and read your comments before you post them. " No I have never been in an abusive relationship myself but it doesn't take a genius to see one when it's there" WOW! I usually do not respond to any posts, in fact this is the first time I've ever posted anything on here, but I found that comment that to be so incredibly offensive I just can't sit by and allow someone to be so cruel toward women (and men for that matter) who have been in abusive relationships. "it doesn't take a genius"...really! I am going to tell you something, as many of the other women have stated, sometimes you do not really know someone until it is too late. I met my ex when I was 17 and my parents had divorced. I met a nice guy,a few years older than me,and he treated me like gold. It was more than just money and gifts, he really cared about me and did the most thoughtful things for me all the time. A few months later, i found out i was pregnant. It was great at first, but as the months progressed, he started being mean...verbally, not physically. He began to isolate me from my family,and friends; as my parents had just divorced, i desperately wanted to keep my family together. He said he was nervous and stressed about the baby, so i gave it time to see if things would go back the way they use to be, mainly because he had always been so sweet to me, I thought he was telling the truth. Then i was put on bedrest, he began to run around on me "working late", i didn't find this out until years later. Anyway, after my son was born, he began to hit me, broke my ribs, my hand (which required two surgeries and pins and screws in my hand), and sprained,bruised, and emotionally scarred me. My son had to spend many nights with his grandmother to keep him out of harms way. I would try to leave, he would take my keys, pull the spark plugs out of my car, break all the phones and threaten to kill me if i tried to leave; I was terrified. This happened several times, totaling in seven long years of my young life. It took many years for me to get away for good, and I ended up having a daughter with him because he FORCED ME through bodily harm and terrifying threats to "lay with him". He beat me in front of my son, in his parents kitchen when I went to pick up my children who were 5 and 4 weeks old. His mother held my son while they watched him drag me across the floor and kick me, amongst many other things. He did not ask to see my son for a year, the baby for 2 years. I have been through court, had an attorney, still ended up with joint custody, alternating weeks Friday to Friday. In spite of all the medical records and testimony, i only got 4 weeks supervised visits (1 hour a week) and supervised exchanges forever, he is still alone with the kids. My children miss school, are not taken to the doctor when they are hurt or sick, he blatantly rfcuses to pay child support, consistently brakes the court order, and the judge does nothing. I constantly file motions to change the situation, they are always denied. I could go on forever. The point of all this is that you do not always see the abusive side of a person right away, and it can get bad very quickly...people die every day from domestic abuse, and that does not make anyone in that situation stupid, and the person being abused did not just let it happen or over look the abusive behavior from the start. Just because you have never been in that situation does not make you more intelligent than anyone else. Your comments are completely, rude, judgemental, and offensive. This poor woman turned to this site for advice, not to be ridiculed, talked down to, and made to feel stupid. Think before you write, and if you do not have anything helpful or constructive to say then keep your opinion to yourself and dont comment at all. Lacey is a person just like you, a person who needs help and advice. Put yourself in her shoes. I doubt you would appreciate someone talking to you like your stupid and telling you how wrong your thoughts and opinions are,especially during a time of need. I wish her and anyone else in her shoes the best of luck. I have turned my life around, it can be done. Surround yourself with positive people, and cherish every moment with your children.
Dove, you should read the above statement as well, "Why don't we all have sex with scumbags, get pregnant, and deny our children the right to know their fathers because of our stupid decisions" REALLY!!!!!! There are people who support you Lacey! Keep your chin up!

[deleted account]

If you don't have someone listed on the birth certificate and know they are the father, its illegal.

Elizabeth - posted on 08/01/2012

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Ok, first you said " you believe to be the father". You don't know if he is the father? If you don't know who the father is then the only way for him to get a court ordered DNA test is if you listed him as the father and he wants to have proof. If you didn't list him on the birth certificate he can't do anything.

[deleted account]

My mother denied me seeing my father because she decided he wasn't allowed. I quit talking to her and moved across the country to live with him when i was a teen. I know 2 other individuals who did the same thing. By denying a child their father it only hurts your child! It really hurts thinking your dad didn't want you, children often blame themselves and end up with a complex. Do you really want to do that to your own baby?

Dove - posted on 08/01/2012

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Falling on deaf ears Julianne, falling on deaf ears.

To some people it apparently doesn't matter that without these men that they can't stand their child wouldn't even exist.... or that not knowing your father and/or not being able to SEE your father can royally screw a kid up for life.

Hey, it's great fun to have a kid crying in your arms because all they want is their Daddy, but Daddy 'can't' come and see them.....

I should probably REALLY stop reading this post before I say some things that would violate THUMPS.....

[deleted account]

Fathers have rights too. Any person who denies a father his right to know of his child exists is not doing whats best for their child. Every child deserves to know both parents unless their is just cause. Just cause is not for the mother to decide, its for the courts.

Julie - posted on 08/01/2012

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You have no legal obligation to make this child available to this man, who may or may not be the child's father. Morally is a different discussion. But there is NO basis for the courts to take the child out of your custody. It's legal to not name or not know for sure who the father is. If he does go through the court system and require a DNA test, he may win some rights, but not full custody just because you didn't pursue him to form a parental relationship to this child.

Lacye - posted on 08/01/2012

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Chandra:

If I had no children, why on earth would I be on a site called Circle of Moms? Yes I have a daughter and another child on the way. As for my "rose colored glasses", I have been in a relationship with my husband for 4 years and been married for almost 2. My husband is a good man. No I have never been in an abusive relationship myself but it doesn't take a genius to see one when it's there. My husband is not an abusive man. His ex, however, is. I've seen it first hand his ex attacking him. If it hadn't been for me stepping in, she would have severely hurt him. Please do not assume you know my situation. My opinion is based on what this girl has told us. If she has no better reason than to keep her child away other than him and his family being mentally stable (who knows they could be fine), then she should not keep her child away from his father. As I've said, it's wrong and she could get into trouble for it.

Chandra - posted on 08/01/2012

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Lacye, i get your husband is going throu similar (yet other side of coin) situation, but please take off the rose colored glasses you are wearing as sometimes men (and women) hide whom they really are until it is too late. and sometimes us women are willing to over look somethings that we may find"not right" or "unhealthy" until we have a new life in our arms.i will assume you have never been in an abusive relationship (people change, sometimes when its too late to turn back) and prolly do not have children. You do what you need to do to keep your child safe. For those to say that courts have awarded abusive fathers for less need to maybe look at the year that those crt cases were won. Cuz with enough proof the abusive party will get supervised visits and other crt mandated orders.

Chandra - posted on 08/01/2012

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WOW!! i had to stop reading all the replies!! this poor girl has enough to deal with than you all telling her shes wrong!! Lacey, do what you feel in your heart is best for your son! i am going throu VERY similar, i cnat get into the details but lets say VERY simlimar!! excpet my ex knows and was here but not for the 2 yrs of my daughters life. Do what your heart tells you, listen to your heart, when your son is old enough and starts asking questions than answer hem honestly but age apropritely.(sp sry) The hardest thing us mother have to do is stand up for (or against) what we KNOW is right (or wrong). Do not let nay sayers sway your mind. You as your sons mothr will know whats best for him, especially if you know the kind of person your ex is. Lacey, please feel free to pm me if you want to! Know this, you are so much stronger than what you feel, i know i have found a reserve of strength within me since my ex left. Surround yourself with good positive people and positive energy. Good luck to you my girl!! You and your son will have a wonderful future if you just do whats within and be the best momma that lil one can get!!! xo to you and your lil bundle!!

Lacye - posted on 08/01/2012

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Sally:

You may call me judgmental however, I'm looking at it through the eyes of somebody that lives and loves that is going through something like this. Also, a judge is not going to have sympathy on her if the ex finds out and takes her to court and it comes out why she has kept the child from him. I stand by what I have said. If she didn't want to have the possibility of having a child with him, she shouldn't have slept with him. That is the basis with the guys I have slept with. Would I be willing to share a beautiful child with this person? Would this person make a good father? Might sound a little nuts but accidents happen and if I'm not willing to share this life that the other person helped create, then I shouldn't be having sex with him.

Lacye - posted on 08/01/2012

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Amanda:



Sorry but you are completely wrong. As of right now, my husband is fighting for his right to be allowed to spend time with his child he has with his ex because she is going around saying, "Oh he's a terrible person" and "He's nothing but a deadbeat dad" and calling him a "sperm donor". So by your logic it's perfectly ok for his ex to stop him from seeing his child. It's ok that he wants to have a relationship with his child but because she gave birth she has the complete right to shut him out and alienate him from this child's life.



No the situations are not the same as this woman's and my husband's only for the fact that my husband knows about the child and pays child support for the child. But how is not telling the father at all that he has a son any more better? It's still wrong. If she doesn't want him around her child, then she should have thought about that before she decided to sleep with him. That is her fault in this whole thing. She knew how he was before hand but yet it was ok to have sex with him, just not to have a child with. I hope that some how he does find out, because eventually he will, and I hope he takes her to court for what she is doing. It's called Parental Alienation. And yes, you can lose your child over that. My husband's ex is going to find that out the hard way when we take her to court soon.

Jennifer - posted on 08/01/2012

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Yes the court will track you down if he decides to pursue the subject.

Dove - posted on 08/01/2012

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Why don't we all have sex with scumbags, get pregnant, and then deny our children the right to know their fathers because of OUR stupid choices then? Sounds like a plan. Sheesh... I hate this world sometimes. People are ridiculous.

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