absent dad should i let him see his daughter

Stacey - posted on 04/04/2012 ( 178 moms have responded )

17

0

0

My daughter is nearly 15 months old on 23.4.12 and her (father) has seen her 4 times in her life the last time he seen her was Jan 04 2012. He also refused to give her anything on her 1st birthday didnt even tx or call to say happy birthday to her. when he refused to give her something or come and see her for her bday i thought forget him. and we had no contact since apart from 2 phone calls 1 weeks ago and 1 today this is why im writin this.he says he whats to see her. i said u cant just come in and out of her life when is suits you. i told him if he can guarantee me a least once a month on that same date each month then he can. see her. he just went quite on the phone. So basically he cant with that silent answer.

He said he will see her when ever he can. what does that mean kmt. he has only seen her 4 times since she was born. i really dont no what i should do for the best. But him coming and going when he pleases is not on and not fare to my daughter.she deserve better than that. he gets me so mad. always chatting the same shit. i want her to know her dad but i dont think it would be good for her.For him to mess her about i know she only 1 but he aint be there and if he like this now what would he be like in the future as she grows up and he lets her down. i just cant see a future for her getting to no him. what do i do? any comments thanks

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

[deleted account]

Of course you should let him see her. That's her father.



My son (third child) saw his father one time (for about 30 minutes) between 2 and 17 months.... until we went to court for visitation. By the time my son was 2.75 years old he had been in the presence of his father (including when he was a newborn) for a grand total of less than 150 hours... My son is 4 and now only sees his father 2-3 times/year, but he loves his Daddy very much and can tell you stories from visitations over a year ago.



Unless the man is a physical danger to her.... she has a right to a relationship w/ him. Trust me... if he is uninvolved she will figure it all out on her own. My kids love their Dad like crazy, but he isn't a 'real' part of their lives. They know and accept that, but that's still their Daddy and they love whatever time they DO get w/ him. I couldn't bear to be the one to take that away from them.



If he were to take you to court.... he'd get visitations anyway, so it's best if the two of you can work out some kind of arrangement. He might not show for all (or even most) of the visitations, but your daughter can still bond to him and at least she'll know she matters SOME. If you are the one to keep him away from her.... you might end up the bad guy in her eyes and he might end up the 'hero'.



That's my take on it all, at least. Take it or leave it.

Mary - posted on 05/16/2012

16

6

0

To all those who insist a marginal relationship is better than none at all:
What happens when he loses interest or goes off on months-long drug binges and doesn't so much as call? I can tell you what happened to my eldest daughter: an emotional roller-coaster ride marked by low self-esteem and misbehavior, making life difficult for everyone around her and ultimately leading to the need for counseling to help her cope with her feeling of heartbreak and abandonment.

I wish she'd never known him.

Isobel - posted on 04/04/2012

9,849

0

282

I don't care what rights the father has...the DAUGHTER has a right to know her father. In whatever limited way possible, that relationship should be fostered and encouraged.

Threenorns - posted on 05/16/2012

87

0

1

where is it written that a relationship must be ideal and adhere to some critical schedule?

it IS possible for a child to grow up knowing full well that dad/mom just isn't the reliable type - that when they remember their child, it'll be a fun time and yes, they'll forget their child when their life gets interesting elsewhere.

you know what causes emotional turmoil and feelings of inadequacy and so on? it's being told that the relationship is inadequate. it's being told "if he cared about you, he'd be here" or "if she really cared, she'd be calling you on your birthday".

i was lucky - my ex only came once a month or so but he called every day. and yes, in the beginning, there were MANY missed visits; times he was called in to work or the car wouldn't work or who knows what.

you know what i told her? "dad won't be here today - he'll be here when he can make it" and that was it - no judgement, no making up for his lack ("don't worry - let's go get some ice cream" or "never mind, WE'LL have a great day", etc).

it is totally possible for a child to grow up seeing the absentee parent as just a rather poor speciman of a human but it's okay to love them anyway (just don't lend them any money).

Jodi - posted on 04/08/2012

26,085

36

3891

"We werent married and he's not on her birth certifcate. So he has no legal right to her."



Well, if he decides to take you to court and get a court ordered DNA test, he absolutely WILL have a legal right to her, and your actions will not be viewed favourably by the court. Just saying.

This conversation has been closed to further comments

178 Comments

View replies by

Jo - posted on 08/30/2012

61

4

1

He doesn't care and she's better off without him. Move on with your life and be happy with your daughter. My husband walked away from our five children and never looked back and they were much better off than having a negative influence in their lives. Face it; some people really don't care. Don't lecture him about being a good father, he'll never be one. Find someone who will love you and your daughter. Don't put your life on hold for that loser. She will be so much better off, I promise you. PLEASE, don't let her hear you talk about him and his negligence; it will only traumatize her and scar her emotionally.

Jessica - posted on 08/24/2012

22

0

8

Hi Stacey

Try not to see it in terms of what you should allow him to do. I think it is about giving your daughter every opportunity to have her dad in her life even if you beleive going to let her down. Us Moms do not own our children.

Paulette - posted on 08/23/2012

2

0

0

Most of these guys sound like losers and their kids are probably better off without them

Mary - posted on 05/17/2012

16

6

0

@ Threenorn: I never told either one of my daughters that their father doesn't care or anything remotely like that after he essentially disappeared, calling here and there to fill them in on how heartbroken he was over his breakup with the woman he got together with 2 weeks after he moved out of our house, or how he didn't have any money to get anything to eat. I'd say those kinds of things were a major contributing factor in the emotional upheaval they have endured. My daughters are not old enough to handle the kind of heavy adult stuff he lays on them as if they are his peers on the rare occasions he does speak to them. Hence, my strong feeling of the need to protect them from any contact whatsoever until he can get his act straight and figure out what's appropriate and what's not when talking to a 9-year-old or younger child.

As I said-- would have been easier for all of us if I'd left him like I should have when I was pregnant with my youngest and my eldest was only 3. It was so important to me that they have a relationship with their father, that I couldn't see the harm it was doing to them or me. Now I know that some things are more important for a child's emotional well-being, and sometimes it's better not to know or be around a parent if that parent cannot conduct him/herself in a responsible manner.

Michelle - posted on 05/16/2012

9

1

0

If he isn't interested don't force it,it wont be good for her.My girls dad was the same way and what I did was told them that he was busy with his own and his problems and if chooses to contact you when your older that's fine and a lot of years went by an he never even called and lived in the same town.I finally decided to call him and see if he wanted to see them because they were asking a lot of questions and well it didn't turn out to well at all.He saw them twice and I ended that because he called them some horrible names and told he wished they hadn't been born and they are the cause of all his problems,so now he wont see them ever again.Its hard decision to make and all I can do is tell what I went through and hopefully it will help.

Penelope - posted on 05/15/2012

6

0

0

It would depend on the quality of their visits together. Is he kind and affectionate towards her?
Assuming that their visits are congenial, I think that a child should be allowed to see his/her parent. Otherwise, they feel abandoned and unloved which is a negative emotion that will stay with them a long time and erode their self-esteem. I would be angry too at the dad's attitude, but I would still let him come. The child will be better off for occasional visits than no visits at all.

Maeve - posted on 05/15/2012

2

0

0

Listen to Jodi, she is spot on. A child has a right to see both parents, regardless of how they feel or think about each other. Keep your own emotions out of the equation. Its hard but necessary.

Mary - posted on 05/11/2012

16

6

0

@ Vanessa
The problem with all of that is, what does one do when the courts will not help? My girls' father is a known drug-abuser and runner and has been apprehended on drug charges repeatedly; he cannot hold down a job and pays no support, but when I appealed to the court for full custody and supervised visitation based on these facts, I was denied at best and flat-out ignored at worst. I've gotten to the point where I'm done throwing away what little money I have into a court system that refuses to serve my needs and the needs of my children and have resigned myself to the risk of being jailed for contempt in order to protect my children from unknown people, places and things while in his court-advocated, unsupervised care.

Sadly, my experience has been that if one parent is managing to somehow hold it all together without the help of the other parent, then it doesn't really matter to the court at all what that other parent is doing or not doing.

My recommendation to anyone who isn't on welfare (the court pays attention to the needs of single parents on welfare; after all, the state's got to foot the bill otherwise) who wishes to take their case to court is to invest in a good lawyer if the funds for that are available-- and if they aren't then don't bother doing anything, because it will likely be a waste of precious time, money and energy that most single parents don't have to spare.

Neddy - posted on 05/08/2012

51

41

5

Well, i have to say i disagree with some comments on here. You do what you feel is right for your baby Stacy. I don't think that is fair to any child that a father or mother can just come in when ever they feel like it and to make it worst, you don't even know when that next visit is. Stuff that and yeah...it would play with your head a bit. Take responsibility FULL ON, not under half.

I'm not saying he has no rights. Of course he does, he's the real father, but the way he carries on he should have no rights. I know that sounds blunt but it is her future.

Also, I believe a child does need to know that she has a father and to let her know as soon as possible and whats happened and what is going to happen. I know she is too young right now but doesn't mean a child does not understand what you are saying. It will all come in to focus for them sooner or later.

Good luck Stacey

Michelle - posted on 05/08/2012

9

0

0

You should always let her see her father. Him being in and out of her life is something he will have to explaine to her. You should never tell a child why it is just have her ask him directly.

If you deny visitation you have legal issues along with your child will blame you for the lack of relationship with her father even though you were trying to keep her safe.

I was a child in the same situation before. I know how it feels.

Pamela - posted on 05/06/2012

2

8

0

You as her caregiver and protector would know best, is he a good or bad person? If he is just struggling for time because of other obligations, by all means allow him to see her. However, if he is abusive in any shape form or fashion, you know what to do. Every child has the right to have a relationship with both of their parents, whether they spend 1 hour or 24 hrs together its a matter of quality not quantity. I hope it works out for you and your daughter.

Best wishes,

Sherry - posted on 05/05/2012

7

17

0

i have a 5 yr old son tht is messed up cause i let his dad in and outta our lives ...... i agree it can mess a child up like that now he sees a psycholigist. if he can't see his child on a routine then forget i have a on-going routine for my 5 yr old otherwise he really acts up and gets frustrating cause of his add. i say foget the father it isn't worth having your child looking forward to see the father and then he doesn't show up on a special occasion like school plays, graduation, birthday's etc.

[deleted account]

Yes she entitled to know her father. Make sure there supervised visits mothers today often make the mistake of thinkin just because that there father they will not abuse. Keep in mind this man be in and out of her life.

Put him on child support. Make him take financial responsibility.

Kayla-Marie - posted on 05/04/2012

8

18

2

my son is one month old and his father doesn't even know he exists because he told me one time that if i ever got pregnant to get an abortion, and i figured wow what a jerk so i thought to myself i never see him so how often would my son, so i broke up with him and never told him about my son. if your ex is going to be like that now how hard is it going to be for your daughter to only see him once in a while when she is older and understands that he is her dad? my advice is don;t let him see her maybe then he will get his act together and come around more often.

Michelle - posted on 04/24/2012

9

1

0

I was in a similar situation this is what I did except now my girls are 9.If you have tried with this man and cant come to a solution do what I did.I invited him to see his girls and be a part of their life and he chose to come around maybe twice a year so I stopped contacting him and explained to my girls that I tried to get him to see you whenever he wanted because I love you and you needed to know who he was,he chose otherwise so therefore when your older you can make your decision to be in his life if he wants it.You can only try you cant force it and your an awesome mother that loves your child enough to try and you did and when she is older she will love and respect you more for it.

Kara - posted on 04/24/2012

3

5

0

Hi

I have a daughter that is 11. Her father from day one of me being prego, didn't want the pregnancy. However I was 20 in college and not 15. I told him I'm having this baby wether you like it or not. So I did. He was back and forth for the first 4 mo of my pregnancy. I finally told him you are either in or out. I'm not doing this back n forth stuff. So he said he was out. After I have birth he called to see if I was ok and if she was as well. I told him we were fine and that I didn't need him once again. However he convinced me he had changed and that we could work it out. Well before I wanted him to meet our daughter I went around him to see if things "really changed" they didn't. So I told him he needed to pick being there or not. He chose not too. So I accepted it and raised her with the help of my parents until she was 2. I'm now 32 married and have three other children. He has never seen her to this day and she has never asked about him.

If a man/father can't make up his mind about his own flesh and blood then it's simple, your child deserves better. It's not fair to be in and out of their lives just bc it's convienant for them. I went through the state when she turned four and they garnish his wages for child support. I don't regret one day raising her on my own. She's beautiful, smart, independent, a great artist and reader. Things happen for a reason.

Michelle - posted on 04/24/2012

48

77

4

My son is 6 and has never met his dad, he never contacted me through my pregnacy, didn't turn up the one day he did ring and we arranged to meet when my son was 9 days all, he rand me one more when my son was 5 months old demanding to see him or he was going to take me to court, i told him to go for it and never heard from him again until 2 months ago because his sister got in touch. he told me that he will start paying money for my son once he's met his and my son is to know that this money is from his dad.... i went into one and told him he is not buying my child to which i haven't heard from him since and this was a month ago.... i really wouldn't worry about your daughter seeing her dad, like you said he cant just come in an out when he likes and you have told him straight that if he cant see her at set times then not at all. i told my sons dad it is up to my son know not him, that way my son cant get as hurt as he would if i went chasing a dad that dont care, tell your ex the same, rather he commits properly of he waits for his daughter to decide which could be another 15 yr down the line, he might all of a sudden give a shit and want to make the effort

Amber - posted on 04/21/2012

1

15

0

i agree with mary, my daughter is 18 months old and never sees her father he use to come visit here and there and she would cry when he left and would cry daddy daddy everyday after that. until i put an end to that.. she doesnt deserve to go through that, its been almost three months and she has been fine & never happier..im sure your child will thank you one day for not putting him/her through that.

Mary - posted on 04/20/2012

16

6

0

I started out with the mindset that my daughters needed their father in their lives no matter what, even if it meant spotty visitation and child support. I bent over backwards to ensure he was a part of their lives in some way. If I knew then what I know now, I'd have cut him completely off from them a long time ago. Now I have a 9-yr-old who suffers from depression because her absentee father is the sun in her sky and she hasn't seen him in 7 months, nor heard from him at all in over 2. My 6-yr-old is a little better off, as he faded out of her life at an age when it didn't have such a heavy impact on her. He has left me completely on my own with these girls to support them in every way-- he doesn't so much as provide any emotional support, let alone anything else. No father at all is far better than one who puts his child on the bottom of his priority list. Your girl will suffer less if she never knows him. Once she gets old enough to choose for herself whether or not she wants to see/talk to him, at least she'll be emotionally developed enough to handle it a bit better if he disappoints her.

Lorraine - posted on 04/20/2012

18

0

0

LMAO! See how this sh*t is theraputic...it's like we have daughters with the same guy. Just hang in there and be strong girl. Don't waste ur time wondering what's happening in his life, whether he's sad or happy, and start doing things that make YOU happy for urself. Cos the truth is, even if u exposed him to his wife, guys like him are smooth operators and can worm themselves in and out of any situation. Will u believe me if I tell u that the woman my ex went to stay with still stayed with him even after I told her what he did to me, saying that she "believes he has changed" and she wants to give him a chance...and then left him a few months later when I forwarded her a message he'd sent to me asking to come back to me because he didn't love HER and he was just using her to "teach me a lesson"...I know how u feel about him not being responsible for ur daughter, but it's not ur fault. Be the bigger person and do right by ur daughter, u will be highly rewarded when she's all grown up and sees how strong and tough her mommy is.

Stacey - posted on 04/20/2012

17

0

0

hi i read your post i like the bit about the dogs and he had the nerve to say what have my dogs got to do with it hahaha lol such a waste man he is, just like that cheat of a baby father of mine even tho he never cheated on me because we was not together i feel 4 his wife i feel for u women. he even said to me after his wife found out 2days ago that i dont want him so he has to try with her. I said what the FUCK u cheeky bastard how dare u say that to me im a women also and just because i dont want u you have to try with her how fuckin rude and disrespectful is that and image he would do the same to me. he is a loser. As in your case your man is just the same as mine all talk and no action. i couldnt catch my breath when he said this 1 today he said he's sad and unhappy so he wouldnt be able to be around my daughter i said what u mean. u NOB u dont make sense! I get sad to, so what u trying to say ,I get sad 2 and unhappy so i should remove myself from my kids for days weeks and months even years cos im unhappy he such a dickhead it unreal. what the f*** is that supposed to mean. i dont get it

Lorraine - posted on 04/20/2012

18

0

0

If I were u, I'd take the offer of him saying u shouldn't be in contact anymore. That way u don't have any expectations of him calling or doing anything for ur daughter. Just look after urself and ur daughter, u're obviously not going to get anything out of this guy. He can also open a bank account for the baby and send the docs to u; why must u do everything for him? He's a narcissist and will ALWAYS play the blame game. Just stay away from him, and one day when/if ur daughter asks about him, she can call him and find out why he's not there when he disappoints her over the phone. I also spoke to a woman my ex went to stay with after he left while I was pregnant, we were practically "married" cos we had a home and a life with future plans together, but the poor girl was shocked when I called him, she answered and I told her I was pregnant. The sooner u start stop stressing about him, the better ur life is going to get. It's not fair what he's doing, but there's really nothing u can do to change who he is unless he himself wants to change.

Stacey - posted on 04/20/2012

17

0

0

Hi all! thanks for all the comments. i still aint got nowhere with this man. he is still the same noting will change. I called his phone 2days ago and 1 women answered HIS phone i asked for him she asked who im so i told her im the mother of his daughter. i said who r u she said the wife. i said well i want to speak with him about my daughter.she said call back in a hour and he will be there so i did call back. and she tried to put him on phone but he wouldnt take the call they were arguing and phone went dead. i think this is when she found out he has another child. We had a 1nightstand. if that what u wanna call it but dont really wanna go into to much details about that and i kept my baby. NEVER IN a relationship or noting i think this is partly the reason he does not see his daughter cos he is so wrapped up in lies to the women he lives with. i just want all the women out there dont ever think im a homewrecker because im not. i was single when we had r night together. after that phone call. he called me to say this is all my fault i should of kept quite and didnt have to say to his wife about the baby. i told him b4 if any1 anwser your phone and asks me who im i will say im your babymother. i i think she needed to know like i said i rang his phone. expecting to speak with him. im not going to deny who im so he can live his life of lies and stays away from his daughter. he is a cheat and his wife deserve to know this. like my daughter needs to know her dad.i cant believe that he said i have coursed this problem. made his life hell because the wife found out about the baby. who told him to cheat. i never so how ive made his life hell. me as a women i would wanna know if my man had anthoer kid out there anyway after all of this headache with him he called this morning sayin we shouldnt have no contact and i shouldnt call him he will call me as n when he can which he does anyway i dont call him. just when he gets back in contact with me. and see his daughter when he can. he wants me to open a bank account for baby which i will so he can when he can put money into there. i said what about day to day living. he said he not a millionair i said im not 2 ive 5kids that live with me.so still after all this heartache he is putting me threw he still cant come up with noting solid for my daughter. for my daughter i know from my own absent father behaviour i hate the ground my so-called dads walks on i said this to him then he said thats y u r like this i was crying and had to hang up on him. all im trying to do is stop my daughter from the pain them waste part time father will coures her i have a appointment on the 1st may with a lawery he pushed me to far saying im to blame about his life now and his wife finding out. how im to blame for his cheating ways. im just so pissed of with him right now that he still cant say when he will see her. so we will have to see if n when it comes to court the outcome

Sarah - posted on 04/19/2012

67

0

6

well i didnt read your last post only that first few, you did state that what was clear that all men are like that. you wouldnt or shouldnt have said it if you didnt mean it. to be honest your post about personal messages was too long to read sorry!

Lorraine - posted on 04/19/2012

18

0

0

But I just said in my previous post that I didn't mean all men, just the ones that we're crying about here. READ!

Sarah - posted on 04/19/2012

67

0

6

@ Lorraine Mamabolo
not all men are alike, thats a mince thing to say, if you grow up telling your kids that, they will never have a chance at a real relationship. unless you have dated every single guy on this planet, you cant say that. and this statement is coming from a female

Mercedes - posted on 04/19/2012

1

0

0

Women always tend to be the lenient ones, when it comes to access by an absent father.You are right to be concerned that he may drop in and out of your child's life. Since you are the primary caretaker you have to decide what is in the best interest of your child. I can understand your concern to agree on specific dates and times as it brings certainty. My advice is that you deny him access, and that if he is serious enough and committed enough that he formally (through the judicial system) applies for access.

Lorraine - posted on 04/19/2012

18

0

0

Hi ladies.

Please take s few minutes of ur time to read this. I've opened up and shared with u very personal details of my situation with my daughter's absent father in the hope of helping even if just one of u. I apologise in advance that this is like a whole chapter of a novel :)

I'd like to share with you how I'm trying to handle my situation with my 3 month old's absent father. I'm 27, he's 35. It's a daily struggle, where most days are better than others, and if you've read my comments on this post, you already have an idea. Here's a quick recap: We were in love; he cheated and lied; I kept forgiving him and giving him 2nd chances; he'd continue with his cheating ways; I stopped trusting him completely; I became violent when he'd go out/not answer my calls/lie to me; but we still stayed together because of...yes you guessed it, LOVE; we both wanted a baby and struggled for a while to conceive, but when we found out I was pregnant last year, we were over the moon; we continued having arguments because he'd go out drinking and lie about having been trying to get work; on July 31st I lost it with him, when we were moving out of our flat to a different place, and he went out all night, came back stinking of alcohol AND with a beer in his hand at 6am; I was almost 3 months pregnant then; I shouted at him, he left and booked a one way ticket to a town over 1000km from me and tried to hide it from me; he came back and pretended to help with moving my furniture out of the house; I searched his bag, saw the ticket and confronted him about it; he lied and said he's going for training/a workshop for for a week for his new job...and that was the last day I ever saw him.

It's now been almost 10 months; I gave birth to a beautiful, healthy baby girl (Naledi) in January; he missed the whole thing, my pregnancy and birth; over the months he was gone I had my highs and lows where I'd forgive him and was willing to allow him back in my life because angry as I was, I still loved him and wanted us to be a family; he kept saying he's coming "tomorrow", and went as far as lying about being in the same town as me but couldn't see me cos he was "still in a meeting"; he'd then ignore my calls and stop calling me altogether; I'd get angry and send him angry messages telling him to just stay away for good; as you can understand, my hormones were a mess, mind you I had a high risk pregnancy and he knew that and I called him every horrible name in the book you can think of; he'd then send a message after a long time asking for forgiveness and admitting that he knows he treated me bad and regrets it; I'd entertain it just to see if he really meant it, so I'd call and fill him in with the baby's progress; and then he'd go quiet on me again and it was the same cycle all over again; not once did he send me money for doctor's appointments or medication; even when the baby was born, I still have not received a cent from him.

It has been a struggle for me to stop being so angry and just accepting that this is the type of person he is; and I can honestly tell you that I am finally learning to just be happy without him. I hated him for a long time, but I figured he's living his life and having a good time and posting pictures on his facebook while I worry about him missing out on our daughter's life. But I don't care anymore. I neither hate nor love him. I actually feel sorry for him. I'm one of those people who sees the good in other people and although I no longer want to be with him, I want him to be happy wherever he is and I've told him that. I told him I can only offer friendship to him at this stage and that he can talk to me about anything, but I end up feeling the fool because this guy only cares about himself and no one else. And even after all of this, at this very moment, I do not hate him. This is the path God has planned for his life, maybe he's supposed to learn something from it. I've started living my own life, raising such a healthy, most precious baby girl who's so sweet it's crazy! I was worried when I gave birth at 34 weeks that there'd be complications because I used to cry so much and continued smoking up until just before I was 4 months pregnant, but the little thing came out bouncy and kicking and we were on our way home in less than 12 hours after I gave birth to her. I sent him a video of the baby, and to date he probably has less than 10 photos of her, because why should I go out of my way to accommoate him and feel like I'm forcing him to be a father? Truth is, I can't want for him to be a father more than he does. And the craziest thing with all of this is that he blames ME for HIS absence in her life. Yes in my angry state I told him to f* off and that I never want to see him again, but because I'm a good person and didn't want to stoop to his level, I apologised so that we could at least be civil with each other. But even today, when we do talk after weeks without any communication, I'm always the 1st to initiate contact and it's really tiring and unfair.

I'm now going to copy and paste the last message I received from him and my response to him, and you tell me ladies, if this is the type of person you allow to come in to your child's life. A child whom you love more than you love yourself and take care of her the best way you can. You tell me if "he has the right to see his daughter". A daughter he has never met. I get that sometimes as mothers we keep our kids away from our exes for our own personal reasons or to get back at them because we're angry; but with what I'm going to show you, you'll see that I as a mother to my daughter, really tried my best. I hope this helps some other mother(s) out there, and know that it's not your fault that your ex is the way that he is and that YOU as a FULL TIME MOTHER have EVERY RIGHT to look out for your child's best interests. Again, I apologise for my whole chapter of a novel, I just felt that I should share this with you all, firstly because I can relate to your stories and hearing them helps me heal every day, and secondly in the hope of helping Stacey out. I'm at a point where I can laugh at our situations because you know what, WE are not the bad guys here for wanting to protect our kids...it's these men who are stupid and undeserving of anything at all from us, and it's so sad for them that they think they're punishing us while they're in actual fact only punishing themselves and missing out on so many precious moments of their childrens lives. And you all know what I'm talking about...that sweet silly smile your baby gives you, that just makes everything around you disappear and for that little moment all is well in the world...our exes don't get that first thing in the morning to make their day...WE DO! So I take off my hat to all single mothers out there who are doing it on their own, as well as all the fathers who are involved in their children's lives even if they're not with the children's mothers. And to correct a statement I made with one of my earlier comments on this post...obviously not all men are alike. What I meant was that all the men we're crying about here are alike. So without further adieu, here's just some of the things I have to deal with when it comes to my child's father and how I'm handling it:

April 08 I said - I hope having two dogs and caring for them fulfils ur role as a father. Naledi is a full 3 months today! U should be ashamed of urself...but as always, u only care about urself. It's ok though.

April 09 he replied - u thinks so neh!? U forget that you been not only teaching me a lesson but pushing me way far away from... Since the day we were still staying together and how we got frustrated on how you couldnt fall pregnant and finalyy when it happened i was actually we so happy and each day wa like we were in heaven, i couldnt be away from you for so long i always wanted you so close to me, at one stage you kept asking me WHATS WITH ME! And clearly i told you that life had moved on to another level and waa happy being in that space i was...let alone pamper youand it sometimes iritated the shit out of you....and eventually i left...the hardest desion ever....but all in all Lorraine, u still pushed me away in so many ways as much as i was trying to bounce back... i was so crazy and happy over the baby that i used to write little letters and messages to my unborn child...every thought and feeling i had about you both was my daily bread...and everytime i do that you never appreciated my devotion and showing out my happiness.... U always told me to remove and banned me from saying TeamNaledi...that alone got to me... U basically had ultimatums for me, i dont know how u want the father of your baby to b like... Open, shut me forever...i know and acknowledge that we had our fair and share of a rocky relationship... But to keep pushing those other buttons of yours and making me be this monster that probably dont give a fuck.... Thats were u r wrong.... Just spend time and think what has been happening since... At some stage i wanted to come with family to sort all out and u threatened me and told me not to set foot here if i know whats good for me....u also said i shouldnt bring anyone ..my mom too in the process... And never even gave her one of my names... Clearly u want her to be a Mamabolo right?... With all done and said Lorraine ... like you said..I AM aSHAMED OF MYSELF, indeed i am...dont think i am happy, i am not. ... Speaking of my dogs...has nothing to do with anyThing

(SEE HOW HE DOESN'T EVEN RESPECT ME ENOUGH TO SPELL CHECK WHAT HE SAYS TO ME OR SPELL CORRECTLY)

April 09 I replied - Are u serious right now? U're blaming ME for ur absence in ur child's life? Very mature. Ravel in ur sadness and excuses. Dwell in the past. U pushed urself away when u started cheating on me, lying to me...actually, no, I refuse to allow u to drag me in ur twisted life. Did I not say I was sorry, the same way u did? Have I not been trying to reach out to u? Trying to keep u involved in Naledi's life? I can't force u to be a father nor can I want for u to be one more than u actually do! How was I going to give a Shona name when u weren't here? I'm not Shona. And frankly, ur excuses and reasoning are lame. I've been disappointed in u before, but THIS?! U're absent in my daughter's life to punish ME? Let me tell u something, I feel nothing :) My still staying in touch with u is not for my health, but so u can be involved in my daughter's life. U mos said to me "YOUR daughter", right? Of course she's mine, and will have my surname, I'm not married to u and u do not deserve to be honoured when u left while she was only a foetus. I can't believe this message u sent me, honestly, lol.
I can't do this with u anymore. A few days ago we were talking like adults and today u say all these things that I'm trying to forget so that we can focus on the future, but it's clear I'm more concerned with the future and u with the past. All the things u remind me that I said to u, I had a right to say them because u made me angry. Our relationship was broken from the 1st time I found out u were cheating on me, but I always tried to fix things so we could move on...oh Tinashe, I don't know what else to say to u that I haven't already said. I thought we were past all this pettiness. So right now I'm just really sad for u. This can't be the life that u had planned for urself. A life with such misery. I never pushed u away. U acted certain ways and I reacted. All those things I honestly don't care about anymore since I had Naledi. They are a past that I don't always want to be reminded of and relive. And when u keep blaming me, it's like u're constantly reminding me that u cheated on me, lied to me, lived off me, made me pregnant and left me. But there's a little person involved now...doesn't that alone make u want to conquer the world, forget the past and work and live for the present and future on a clean slate? I've forgiven u as well as apologised for my role in this mess, but I can't keep reaching out to u all the time if u continue being the way that u are. I can't always be the 1st to initiate contact n u just go quiet on me. It's not fair. I'm sorry that u still feel the way u expressed urself today, I don't want that for u. So today, instead of finally parting ways with u thinking that I pushed u away, let me release u instead. Not cos I hate or resent u, but cos I want u to no longer worry about me and Naledi being in ur life. U need help Tinny, this is not normal. I'll always love u as a friend.

Then I didn't hear from him for a couple of days and on April 12 he sent a text message (the above were exchanged over facebook) saying he's sorry and wants to start over on a clean slate, AGAIN! And because of the space I'm in right now, I gave him a call, spoke about the baby and even sent him one picture (I'm not Mother Teressa, lol). He promised to call and never did, so this morning at 2am (South Africa), I sent him the following message to which I do not have nor expect a reply yet:

April 19 I said - Hi Tinashe. It's been a couple of days since I last called u. U never call though hey, anyways. The last time we spoke we were civil with each other, and I thought that meant we're making progress and u'd be checking in on the baby regulary. But I haven't heard from u since. I feel like u're just buying time everytime u want us to start on a clean slate and that u want to come and be with or see Naledi/me and be involved in her life and raise her. But ur actions speak louder than ur words. This is not an attack from me, I'm just being real and stating facts. I don't know how u feel about the fact that u not only don't do anything for her but that u haven't met her, and u've said u're not happy about it, but Tinashe, u haven't and continue not to do anything about it. I've tried to make it easier for u by letting u know what she's up to, but honestly, that's not fair, to me or her. She was not conceived over the phone or via facebook or yahoo messenger. She deserves way more than this. I don't know how u live with urself and sleep at night, I guess to each his own. And with that, I'm going to ask u something, and how u take it is entirely up to u, whatever makes u sleep better at night and is logical to u. Truth is u're no different from all the bad and absent fathers out there, regardless of the relationship with the mother. U're the type of father who makes little girls grow up looking for love and attention in all the wrong me, and sometimes just hating men in general. And I don't want this for Naledi. Look, I've been making a lot of excuses for u and trying to make sense of this and give u 2nd chances over and over, but now I just feel like maybe u're not ready to be a parent when u're just a child urself. This is not about how ur or my feelings are affected, it's about a lil baby who not only doesn't know her father, but doesn't feel his love either. U've said u're coming so many times, and that's a big thing, but u haven't even done anything as small as buying her baby wipes. U've sacrifised me and her to be wherever u are, maybe u did really mean it when u said the only thing u're willing to sacrifise if finding happiness and I thought it was a typo cos u gave up on that to be where u are now. So I just wanted to humbly ask, as a woman who was raised without her father but by a strong woman, and as a mother who does and only wants the best for her child, if u could please just let me continue to raise Naledi on my own as I've been doing, with the promise that I will not talk bad about u or make her grow up hating u, but that when/if SHE asks about u, I'll help her contact u and it'll be up to her if she wants to meet u. Cos this thing of u making empty promises, it's hurtful and inconsiderate to me as an adult, what more on a child? I'd have to be a really bad mother if I'm going to stand by and let u do that to Naledi and I'm left to pick up the pieces when u let her down. This is not about the past or who has more power and all that nonsense. This is reality. Many children have been brought up perfectly fine by single parents, it doesn't make the absent parent a bad person, sometimes being absent is actually a good thing cos then the children don't grow up in unstable, loveless homes. I mean, look at me, my mom did a pretty good job didn't she? Naledi is lucky because of all the exeperiences I've been thru which means I'm going to be one hell of a good mother, wouldn't u agree? If there's anything u can do for ur daughter at this very moment, is to let me do this and not feel sorry for urself, be difficult or defensive. Cos if u continue to say u're going to do things and u don't, thus letting her down time and time again, she will end up hating and resenting u. U're one of the very lucky few guys whose babymamas don't cause them too much drama, so take advantage of that and don't piss me off cos when u tell me u miss me, love me and want to work things out and be with me and Naledi, and then I don't hear from u for this long and u send me a "PLEASE CALL ME" text? THAT, pisses me off!

Polly - posted on 04/18/2012

1

2

0

Hello, I know that it is very difficult for you. But because I was on your shoes ones, I will like you to ask yourself a question. It is for your daughter that you are mad or it is for yourself? Don't get mad at me, i repeat, I been in your shoes ones. I have a daughter when I was married. When she was 4 month and I get home I found a note from my husband asking for forgivenes because he was leaving me for another woman and he wanted me to take care of our child. I heard from him three month later, he wanted to see her. I was very angry, frustated and I didn't want him to see her ( He moved from Puerto Rico to Orlando). He wasn't going to see her often and I was concerned, like you, about the way that was going to affect her. II was andgry about the way our relation ended and that was the mayor problem for me. I work with my feelings and you know what, today my daughter is 13 years old she know that she has a biological father that she only see once or twice a year, that talk to him by the phone maybe once a month and she is healthy girl that know that is loved by her family regardless of the detail that she doesn't see or talk to her father often. I tell her that she is very diplomatic with him. I know that she has feelings for him because we talked about it. But she doesn't miss him because she doesn't live with him. I get married about 5 years ago and now she has a sister, and a stepfather that she call father because my husband earn that name. Think about what i said. You don't know what kind of relationship they will grow. The most important thing here is what you feel. You are the only one knows her father is he a good person? Thats what it counts. I hope that it help you to made a decision.

Keyana - posted on 04/18/2012

2

0

0

Hi Stacey, I totally agree with what your sayin about your daughter deserving better than him running in and out of her life..he said he come see her when he can then let him (not that it's ok cause it's NOT). The only reason I said continue letting him see her when he can is because I have a 2 year old son, his father was killed before he knew I was pregnant. Everyday I wish he would have at least gotten a chance to see him. Try to give him a A for effort, because tomorrow may not be promised.Let her know all he allows her to know you can't live her Nd her fathers relationship,at the end of the day he has to answer to his god about why he chose to be a part time dad. Just makes sure she knows you love her no matter what and will always be there.. At the end of it all follow your heart and do what's best for the baby.

Andrea - posted on 04/18/2012

1

0

0

Do what is best for you and your child hun, i've been through the same thing with my sons father and he is now 4 i locked him off because all he is doing is walking in and out of his life and not knowing what he is doing to him and he aint paying child support. It's unfair sometimes but he needs to guarantee that he aint just going to come in and then let her down, but you the only one can make that decision

Samrah - posted on 04/18/2012

1

11

0

well i think u shud let him see her and let her decide when she is old enough ofcourse if she wants to be in touch with him or not...you dont want her blaming you for anything when shes all grown up..she might not understand the feelings you have right now...and dont even stress about it..enjoy ur relationship with your daughter :) after all she will be ur best frnd 1 day

Dairo - posted on 04/18/2012

2

3

0

Tell her father that he should allow her to grow a bit older than this age before seeing her as he like so that she would have know right from left and she would have known how irresponsible her father is. I am in the same situation, even their dad did phone talk less of coming to see them. He said, when it is time children would ask for their father and I have been waiting for the time. So cool down, take care of your child and tell her off our back if possible sue him

Charlita - posted on 04/17/2012

15

26

1

Hello Stacy. I think you should do everything the legal way. By doing this you protect yourself and ensure that he is helping you financially. You should also see about having the courts schedule visitation. This way, you can document the times that he does or doesn't show up. It may seem a lot to do but it is in the best interest of your child. You also have to try not to come off as the bitter ex-girlfriend. I know you have anger towards him because he is neglectful of the baby. Keep in mind that the more animosity you show towards him, he can turn around and accuse you of being difficult. The last thing you would want is for the courts to look at you in an unfavorable light. Do you have a support system? Is anyone in his family a part of the baby's life? Do everything above board and it will show you the measure of what kind of father he really wants to be to your child.

Alexandra - posted on 04/17/2012

581

24

1

does he pay child support? If he does, then he should see her, if there is absolutely no abuse whatsoever. If he doesn't, then he shouldn't. He has to fullfill his duties first.

Crystal - posted on 04/17/2012

3

0

0

First off, I think, it depends on the type of relationship that you have or had with her father. My step-brother had a daughter with a 15-18 years old (I can't remember how old she was) and he hasn't been there for her at all. And lately he has been wanting to see her, but he never tries to go to his mom's to see his daughter. My niece's mom is actually trying to get full custody of her because he hasn't tried to come see his daughter. She doesn't want him to come see her anymore. even though she keeps asking if she is the reason why her daddy left. I also think that maybe you could try it once and see how he reacts with her. And maybe, just maybe he will make it more to see her. But it is your choice to make. I hope that I was at least a little help.

Karin - posted on 04/17/2012

2

0

0

Hi Stacey. Thankfully, your daughter is young enough to not even notice whether he is there or not. If he wants to see her, then let him. Set up a time for him to see her that is convenient for you. His rights are not that important when he is NOT the custodial parent. Be sure to take all of your emotion of this. This is about your daughter, not you or him. Believe me, I am speaking from experience. Also make alternative "just in case" plans for when he wants to see her. If he doesn't show up within 30 minutes of the time that he is supposed to be there, then you and your daughter go on about your day. It only gets tricky when they get older. If you are not married to him, and his name is not listed on her birth certificate, don't sweat it. If his name is on the birth certificate - or if you are married to the father - then you have his legal rights to consider. Just keep proof of what he does and doesn't do for her, keep proof of his visits or non-visits. You'll need that in case you have to go to court. When she is about 3 or 4 is when she will wonder where Daddy is (and that's only if you haven't met a wonderful man by then who steps in as the father-figure in her life). At that point in time is when you tell him that his relationship with his daughter is what HE makes of it. Again, this is about the best interest of the child, not him. I've had this same conversation with my daughter's father - she is a well adjusted 7 year old who knows Daddy loves her even if she only sees him once a year. Do not push her on him, or have her call him. Let him make the moves, set up visit times but don't let her know when he is supposed to show up just in case his plans fall through - then she is protected. If you want to push more visits, then take him to court to set up mandated visitation AND get your child support. The one thing that you should not do is talk negatively about him in front of her, Let her draw her own conclusions on her dad. At the end of the day, you might hate but that's your choice. Make sure she has the choice of how she feels about him. Keep your head up, you are not alone! :-)

Hendyne - posted on 04/17/2012

11

17

1

II would just take him to court and file for soul custody. If he choose not to take a part in her life. When she gets older explain it to her. Then, I would make sure I select who I date and make sure they are willing to step in as a father figure and pray. Matthew 7:7

Channy - posted on 04/17/2012

1

0

0

Well, i had mixed feelings as i could b possibly facing the same problem. As soon as the words i'm pregnant came out my mouth, my ex's next words wer abortion. I refused. He kept on stressing me out 2 da point of bein sick in hospital n almost losin baby. I fell apart. Heard from him again an agonisin 2 months later. Den neva again after that. My son was born in october 2011. His dad has never seen him, has made no attempt 2 see him, does not support him, ignores my smses, n has another child who is a few months older than my son. Suprise 2 me! His now married 2 his first childs mum. Suprise 2 me again. He has denied my son n doesn't even acknowledge his existance. Encourage this relationship? I will never allow him to hurt my son. And he would have to prove himself before I'd allow him any contact with my son. He should've accepted his responsibility with his rights. You cnt have 1 without the other. Thats how i feel.

Cortnie - posted on 04/17/2012

40

29

0

My oldest was having break downs when contact stopped they stopped a month after. It can cause more harm then you think. I know i been through it unfort.

Cortnie - posted on 04/17/2012

40

29

0

i agree but when u see the dissappointment in ur kids eyes and actions thats when u make the toughest decision stop all contact and when teh child gets old enough . tell no lies , tell what u did and tell what he did . then give them the reason why u did it. i did that with my oldest and she loves me more for that. she was even ready to forgive him then he broke her heart so yeah i may be cold hearted but my kids know they r loved and need who only wants to be around.

Aaliyah - posted on 04/17/2012

2

21

0

As a mother we only want what we feel is best for our children and every little girl needs her daddy . Witht that being said you should allow her to see him . What harm can it to at this age . so pray about it and you allow nhim to come and see her . him coming when he wants or not coming at all is something he has to explain to her when she gets older.

Cortnie - posted on 04/17/2012

40

29

0

okay i know exactly what u r going through. what i recommend is give him an option of going through visitation that way u can document for legal purposes and if he cant committ to regular visitation then what kind of influence is he on ur baby. pkay witht ha being said , makeit clear no child support no visiation cause i have a big feeling he will not go for visitation. now that isnt what the law will tell u but that will send a strong message u want a man in her life not a deadbeat. when she gets older give her the choice to see him, tell her no lies , tell her ur faults and his. then she will see the real man that wasnt around.
i hope the best for you and if its hard to do then you are prob. protecting her the right way.

Kimberly - posted on 04/17/2012

4

7

0

I know where you are coming from I have been dealing with this for 14 years. My daughters dad only saw her 2 times in the first 5 monthes and then he left no calls no nothing. He wanted to come back when she was 2. I told him that he would see her every week on the same day his choice of day and that we would not fight. We had to have a friendship. If he could not do this then he need to walk away for good. He agreed. Given it has not always been easy but when I want to yell at him I look at her and find the thankfulness for he. First you need to leave the past be hind and second he need to see her on a planned time. If he cannot do this take him to court and let him hang himself like my other childs dad did.

Rena - posted on 04/17/2012

25

16

0

Lets not turn this into a man bashing session...there are also absentee/lousy mothers. The issue is being there for the children. My ex has also been very abscent through most of my daughters life, and at 23 she has not seen or heard from him in at least 3 years. It is a far from ideal situation, and I worry about how it effects her, but it is totally up to her how she deals with her dad going forward. I never did anything to keep her dad from her, and she is aware of that. I think that putting road blocks up can bite you in the backside, as the absentee parent can say "I wanted to see you but Mom wouldn't let me." Over time kids figure it all out, but in those young really formulative years they may question why you won't let them see their dad. Tread carefully... as long as you don't feel that the other parent will endanger your child give them a chance. Not condoning the lack of contact by your daughters dad, but lots of men find very small/young children scary. Maybe he feels more comfortable now that she is a toddler and a bit more independent. Just a thought. Good luck! Raising kids is an adventure under any circumstance.

Eileen - posted on 04/17/2012

17

2

3

Definately ,
The children have to resolve whatever relationship it is they are going to have with their father, unless he is a danger. My ex husband died and my children had not seen him for 4 years. I wish they had a chance to resolve their relationship with him. I always thought he would resolve some of his issues in his older years but died in a roofing accident when he was in he late forties. My children still are still trying to deal with the fact that they will never be able to resolve their relationship with him and make it whatever it is - even if it is a phone call. Most people love their children and he did - just could not get past his own issues - Not a good legacy to leave and we never know what tomorrow will bring. He has something to offer her (may seem small to you) but whatever it is he does have- even if it is for her to come to the realization that he is what he is will be better than none.

Carrie - posted on 04/17/2012

6

0

0

I would make it supervised and in public place with the courts only. That way every time he is a "no show" it is documented with the courts. Eventually she will grow up, and realize who and what her dad is herself...Kids are smart, and you don't want to be the one who "kept" her away from her dad, but if he is the "no show" it is NOT on you, but on him. She will get it, and figure it out herself.

Becky - posted on 04/17/2012

159

69

10

Lorraine...AMEN and AMEN. The only thing I would add to that is that, what isn't fair (and this may well be what you meant) is that it's EXPECTED of mothers and not of fathers. I don't begrudge any time that he skips out on; I want my kids with me 100% of the time, so that just means I don't have to miss out on anything. I'd rather do nothing in this world more than 2 things: be a Christian light and be as close to perfect a mother as my humanity will let me be. If he doesn't want the time with them, then all I ask is that he doesn't play with my kids' emotions in the process of choosing his personal time over them. Just go away and let them be happy with their mama and the man who actually has worked so hard to properly raise them and provide for them. You're also right that moms shouldn't force the visits. Offer him concrete times and places to work with at the beginning, because if he truly is just clueless about being a father, but will step up to the plate once he's provided a little direction, then that's good for everyone (especially the kids). But, as Lorraine says, if the unwillingness to be a parent is evident (as it is in Stacey's original post), don't let anyone tell you that forcing it or allowing erratic and rare visits is the way to do right by your child. Moms don't need to, nor to I believe they have any right to, bring such instability and pain to a child's life. You are their protector. Don't let anyone make you think you have no right to keep your child from circumstances which will cause him harm, whether emotionally or otherwise.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms